I would appreciate anybody's comments on what to do in thebeginning stages of attempting to reconcile a 17 year marriage by myself. My husband left for 4 weeks, (affair was not exposed yet), he came home after the affair was exposed for 3 weeks and left again 2 weeks ago. Saying he wants a divorce and does not love me as a husband should love a wife. <BR>He was gone only one day before he called to appologize for his behavior (very angry and screeming at me)when he left and tell me he had not "filed" yet. He came over the next day and we talked for several hours, cried and prayed together. I want reconciliation and he does not. I asked him if he could give us 6 months to a year before filing for anything. He said he would give it a few weeks and see what happens. I asked that we communicate openly about finances and we agreed he would find a room to rent for $400 per month. He also said he is not seeing the ow anymore. That it will never work with her. He claims to be living in his small office( he relocated there last year away from his maintenance shop) at work which I just found out is in the same building she works in. What a coincidence.<P>My question comes in with what do I do?? God has revealed to me over 6 weeks ago things that I was responsible in the marriage for and done a miraculous work in me. My husband saw the change and said I had turned 360 degrees from who I was before the affair was exposed. This came about when I had a near death experience in a forest fire while I was away camping with relatives. The next day God told me to go home and that was when the affair was exposed amd my heart change occured.<P>During the 3 weeks he was home we began to see a Christian Counselor, pray and read the word, go on dates, show affection (something we were not used to doing) and I really enjoyed it. The problem was my husband was dead emotionally. I did not understand what was happening. He got caught two times going back to sleep with the OW while he was home the first week. I was devastated but he insisted (after God took his breath away in the middle of the night with his back completly going out) that he would break it off with her. He was off work for one week from this injury that he later told me happened while he told me and his daughters he was going to a Bible study and really went to have sex with her. In fact God had given my 16 year old daughter Job 20 the day before that she shared with her dad about how if he did not repent from his sin God would take the tip of an arrow and put it into his back right through his liver. This was the livest example of a pay back I have ever seen God do.<P>But a phone bill arrived 2.5 weeks ago and it had the OW's # on it. I confronted him very lovingly and next thing he is packing and says he is never coming back. I then went into a pitiful sight of pleading with him not to go. It got very ugly and in the end I finally said "just go, I release you". <P>He has called almost every day since he left to talk about "nothing" and even came over for a "dinner date" with me last week. He still has not filed (he says he can only do one thing at a time and that is find a place to live)and said for me to keep waiting for him. He is consumed with finding a place to live since he is living at work (so he says. I do not believe this for one second. She lives right near his work and I just found out last night that he was with her at lunch yesterday due to his cell phone recording a conversation of him asking her how to check his voice mail. I had just called him and he did not answer (I wonder why) so I left a voice mail and when he went to check it for some reason it recorded him and her talking. I know his voice mail password so last night I called his cell phone and checked his messages and here was him and her talking!! I could not believe my ears. Needless to say I did not sleep much last night. <P>What plan should I be on?? <BR>I wrote him a letter and was going to give it to him next time I see him but now I am thinking it will not serve any purpose but make him angry and justify his behavior. <P>Should I file for a legal separation or divorce?? I don't want to but I don't know how long he will keep his check in our joint account.The bills are mounting up quickly.<P>Should I suggest he live with her?? Instead of wasting $1000 month in a share rental that he will never be at just to make it look like he is not seeing her.<P>Should I cut off all contact with him?? I get very down after talking or seeing him when he leaves. I get very emotional. He has not seen our daughters in 3 weeks and I was thinking of setting a schedule to force him to see them? He also tells the girls that he loves and misses them so much and is not abandoning them. This man is SICK!!<P>Any wisdom would be appreciated.<P>Thanks and Keep Praying!<BR>Pray2Day<P><BR>

Pray2day--<BR>Welcome to MarriageBuilders...if you haven't already...please read through the basics on this site...they will introduce you to the Marriage Builders basic concepts.<P>You might also check out the Just Found Out forum...there you will find definitions of acronyms, the general welcome, et.al.<P>I would also check out the Noteable Posts...there you will find really good explanations of Plan A and Plan B...<P>I know that someone will post to you with links for these things...I haven't yet explored this ...<P>Please read as many posts as you can and post us your questions...give us as much background as you feel comfortable with...we are not experts, just people like you who are dealing with tough situations...<P>Finally, read some of the Harleys' books, like "Surviving an Affair," "His Needs/Her Needsm," and "Love Busters." They will provide great help for you to become stronger and stronger in the months to come...<P><BR>Prayerfully,<BR>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Thanks for your reply. I have read the book "Surviving an Affair" I will continue to read posts and look forward to the support as I begin this frightening journey.<P>Pray2Day

Hi P2D,<P>Here are the links mentioned earlier. <P>General welcome package:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>Plan A <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Plan B [url]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html<P>Symbols & acronyms <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011959.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011959.html</A> <P>Hope this helps, it is a lot of reading but well worth the effort. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

Well I can certainly relate- been married 15 yrs myself when my H had an A with single coworker and I found out this past valentines day. He too couldnt make up his mind and moved out to think but really he wanted to be with her. A month later he moved back home saying he wanted to reconcile but he really didnt and was still in secret contact with OW. Then he slept on the couch for 2 more months before filing for D on me then cancelled it and we both went into counseling at that point. He then went thru withdrawal for about 6 wks- not knowing WHAT he wanted. But finally we are in recovery. Its been quite messy. If you truly dont want a D dont file on him to provoke him to come back to you. Instead refuse to discuss D- just tell him its wrong,against the Bible, would damage the kids and dont discuss it further. My H had a very guilty conscience and he figured I would never be able to forgive him and our marrige would never be able to recover- OW fueled the fire on this with him because she wanted him to divorce me and be with her. So after he finally filed for D on me he woke up and realized what the heck he was doing and said he was making the biggest mistake of his life.( Man upstairs was helping me!). I think the fact that you both have strong faith in God is definitely a positive here. Does your H realize what the withdrawal from OW stage is all about? Our counselor told my H that he needs to get control of his thoughts because they lead to his feelings which lead to his actions. Maybe you could explain this to your H? lifeismessy

Dear Lifeismessy,<P>Thanks for your reply.Your story sound so similiar to mine. I am not sure my husband understands the withdraw period. He had severe depression on the days I know he did not see her. <P>At this point he is coming over to talk with us (due to my request). I was going to tell him I want no contact with him until the affair is over. I am now praying and asking God what the right thing to do is. I am not sure this is what is best at this early point in the game. <P>I reread the part of the book that talks about Plan B and it said if WS will not stop seeing OW then go to Plan B. I am thinking that I have not had very much time to show him how things would be different if he came home (only 3 weeks). He does not believe that I have really changed. He thinks I am doing it because I want him back so bad. The truth is God changed my hardened heart towards my husband after the affair came out. I don't understand this one?? Why would God put love in my heart for a man who just admitted to adultery. I am hoping it is a sign that God will restore my marriage and I will be the wife my husband desired. <P>As for the D word, I have not mentioned it in two weeks and either has he. In fact he told me to pray for him and not worry. Then a week later told me to "keep waiting". I think some reality is starting to set in. <P>He has no $$ due to our financial situation at home. Just enough to pay the bills for one household not two. I hope he will see that this affair is leading him to poverty and begin to miss the life style we have created together. <P>Please pray that he will not go through with D and realise he is making the biggest mistake of his life. <P>He thinks because our girls are 13 and 16 that they won't be affected by his leaving for another woman. They are devastated. It is like we are all dead in this house.It is so depressing and he is out "having the time of his life". <P>Pray for him to repent. His guilty conscience has got to be bothering him. Pray for the fog to lift that he will have eyes to see what he is really doing.<P>He justifies his behavior by saying that I was so terrible for 17 years and he has not one positive memory with me except his children. This is the biggest lie from the pit and he is so blinded.<P>Did your husband come home yet?? If so how long was he gone before he realised what he was doing? <P>Please pray for us.<P>Thanks,<BR>Pray2Day<P>

I hope my story has encouraged you that recovery is possible even in these very troubled circumstances. My H and I had been going to church every wk this year when the A occurred- his denial had to go very deep for him to be able to sit thru sermons then say he was 'going to the gym' and go over to OW's condo. His rationalizations were VERY outrageous as a result- he claimed we had nothing in common but the kids,that he wasnt in love with me- he was in love with her, that our marriage was 'hopeless' that I couldnt change in the ways he needed etc etc! OW also convinced him that I was such a weak SAHM that I could never survive without him and only wanted him for his money, our new house, security etc. LOL! She doesnt realize that 15 yrs ago we started with NOTHING but a colicky newborn , a one bedroom apartment and trips to the laundromat. Counsel with your pastor for strength thats what I did especially when H was deep in the fog. Here's some Christian books to build your strength- Calm my Anxious Heart,The Power of a Praying Wife and Hope for the Separated- all excellent books that will help you thru this difficult time. Do your daughters know about the A? My kids are 14 9 and 4, my oldest two are girls and fortunately I was able to convince them H was choosing to live away from home due to a mid life crisis, no mention of the affair. However our church members and neighbors know do to our separation so they may find out that way unfortunately. My H is now committed to rebuilding our marriage and actually its better than before the affair because I now understand how we werent communicating properly, resolving conflicts well, and how we had a bad power imbalance in our relationship that led up to this. lifeismessy

forgot to answer your question about how long till H realized what he was doing- about 4 mo past d-day this is a common time that they begin to get a grip so I have heard from others on this board. By the way- consider this fact that a pastor told me- when Satan gets a grip on a Christian man such as your H Satan loves to return to familiar targets when they try to emerge from sin, staying in the darkness becomes such a habit it takes quite alot for them to return to the light- that is why you need to be the 'grownup here' and stay in the Word

Yes, I am encouraged by your story. My children do know of the affair. After much discussion and prayer my husband and I felt it was best to let them know. It turns out they had overheard me one very early morning begging him not to go to work because I knew he was going to see her. How horrible to wake up at 4:30am and hear that your dad is having an affair and then keep it a secret until my husband told them a few days later.<P>The saddest part is when he told them he said he had made the biggest mistake of his life and was home to work on his marriage and hoped they could forgive him. He even prayed with us and told us he would take the family to church the next day. We have been Christians for 10 years. He also was an usher at church. So talk about guilt of having an affair. He would go every Sunday and put on that fake smile for everyone. I knew he was in sin but had NO IDEA it was and affair. <P>He also told me the line about our personalities were not compatible, not loving me for a long time, and only good thing from the marriage was our girls. What a lie. I know we had our struggles but it is not anything like he describes.<P>I pray his mind will change some day. I hope sooner than later. My girls need their dad so bad. <P>Is there ever a situation where it is best for him to come home even when he is still seeing the OW?? Should I tell him to come home for the sake of the kids?? When he was home for 3 weeks we were in counseling and spending a lot of time together. There were many moments that he said his heart was starting to fall in love with me again. But now he is gone!! And wants a divorce. What happened?? I guess satan and the OW (satan's tool) got the best of him. I keep praying for something to happen but so far he is very into this OW and willing to loose a 23 year relationship and his daughters.<P>Pray for him that conviction will come and true repentence will follow.<P>Thanks,<BR>Pray2Day

Pray2Day,<BR>Hello. Welcome. You have come to a very good place. We are all here to rebuild our broken Marriages. God brought you to this place, just like He brought me and all the others.<P>Your questions are all valid. I know there is a lot of confusion and fear right now. But you know those things are not of God, so put them out of your mind, or Satan will be able to use them against you. You need to be the strong one right now and hold your H up before God to fix this mess.<P>My story is that my H (of over 20 years) left one day - just packed up and left while I was at work, I came home to a note on TV and d. papers in the mailbox. "I don't want to be m anymore, I filed for d." That was it. Gone. Moved in w/OW. I did not know there were any problems. Oh, we were "distant" and not sexually in the right place, either, but I figured we were stressed out, having just remodeled a new home and things would be better once we moved in....2 weeks after we moved in, he left. I figured out about OW right away. He did not call or take my calls or talk to me for 3 months. You can read my related posts on further developments. Although he's not home, yet, I know God is working on him. See, he filed d. papers, but they were wrong, so nothing happened. That was 3 months ago. Nothing more on that. <P>Since then, I found this place, read EVERYTHING on here. Ordered HN/HN and SAA (books - see link at top of page). I was also directed to RejoiceMinistries.org. Excellent! It has restored marriages testimonies....it CAN happen. It WILL happen. Just believe God. Put your faith in Him. Trust Him, His Word says he HATES divorce, so your H can forget it! There will be NO d. in MY house! I have claimed it....you can too. Keep your eyes on Him, and He will direct your steps.<P><B>I knew he was in sin but had NO IDEA it was and affair. <P>He also told me the line about our personalities were not compatible, not loving me for a long time, </B><BR> <BR>My H said ALL these same things! It's pretty amazing, when you read here, how all the WS's say the same stuff! It's all just Satan's lies. And they buy into it. Don't you do it! You have God's Word, and it sounds like He speaks to you pretty directly! That's good!<P><B>Is there ever a situation where it is best for him to come home even when he is still seeing the OW?? </B><P>Personally, I don't think so. Because there is soooo much hurt and anger from him that it makes life pretty much unbearable for everyone. This is from my own perspective, of course, since my H is with her, and NO end in sight, but others may advise you differently. I personally wouldn't want him here, looking at him, KNOWING that he's "with" her at other times. Nope. I couldn't handle it.<P><B> There were many moments that he said his heart was starting to fall in love with me again. But now he is gone!! And wants a divorce. What happened?? I guess satan and the OW (satan's tool) got the best of him. I keep praying for something to happen but so far he is very into this OW and willing to loose a 23 year relationship and his daughters.</B><P>It IS the devil that keeps messing with his mind. Keep him lifted up in prayer. that is all you can do that will make a difference right now. The changes in you, he will see, or God will make him know about them. Don't worry about demonstrating them to him, or if he will notice. God will take care of that.<P><B>Pray for him that conviction will come and true repentence will follow.<BR></B><P>It WILL happen. We will pray. We will also pray for YOU to be calm, listen to God, "be still...." and not worry. Remember, all these things are NOT from God. Our Lord doesn't want you to worry, get upset, fear, move outside His will, etc. These things are all from Satan, who LOVES to bust up marriages, because M is God's most sacred covenants with us, because it represents His relationship with us/his bride. And the more earthly marriages Satan can bust up, the more he can convince the world that there IS NO GOD and that God doesn't mean what He says. HOGWASH!!<P>We know better. your H knows better. He is a christian. This is good!! This will bring about his repentance or broken-ness sooner than some who are not saved. Many, many marriages on this site have been turned around and recovered from this devastation. Believe. It Can happen. It WILL happen!<P>I'll pray for your M.<BR>Dear Lord,<BR> We lift up this precious sister and her M to you. Lord, we know that as Christian brothers and sisters, it is our duty to pray for the body, for what hurts one part of the body hurts us all. Father, bring her WS home for good. Lord, we pray you would bring ALL our WS's home for good. Father, open their eyes, show them the evil intent of the devil in making them have "unclean" feelings for OP, not their spouses.<BR> Give Pray2Day the patience to wait for your timing, Lord. Help her through the next confusing times, and give her your peace that passes understanding. We trust you, Lord, knowing that you Love us more than we can understand. We know you are our Loving Father, and you wouldn't give us one minute's hurt more than we need to bring about our sanctification. <BR>Thank you, Father, for our spouses. Even as we see them going in a direction away from you, Lord, we know you have them in your Hand, and are guiding their steps, too, and will not allow them to stray too far away. We trust you, Father, and know you will redeem our M in Your Time, and in Your Way. Help us, Father, to stay OUT of your way as you do Your Will. Have your Way with us, Father. Start with each of us, and then work on our Ws's without our getting in your way.<BR>We praise you, Father, for hearing us, and answering us, as you know what we pray for even before we utter the words.<BR>Bless you, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen. <BR>

lupolady,<P>Thanks for your response. It helps me to know I am not alone. Today is my favorite day of the week (Sunday, church) but it I am still sad and lonely. <P>I can't believe how satan uses the same lies and people get so blinded. Our Pastor preached a great message on how we get comfortable being Christians and leave areas of sin that satan comes in and erodes our lives. He used my broken marriage as an example. My husband was the classic put on a happy face Christian who served as an usher. I knew something was really wrong this past year with him but he would admit to nothing and I was done with being his nagging wife telling him how he needed to change. Well he did change, he turned into a horrible monster from listening to satans lies and turning to another woman. <P>Today I wait for his call to come over and talk to me and our daughters. He said he would call but it looks like another lie. <P>How do I protect myself and my daughters from his broken promises??<P>

Pray until you know in your heart what God wants for you to do. I read Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'martian- EXCELLENT book for broken marriages. 10 days after I confronted H and he confessed I asked him to move out for awhile because he was staying out all night some nights with OW and I refused to have that flaunted in front of my face. We agreed it was a mutual decision but of course he rushed right to OW and said, " my wife threw me out!" So sending them out of the house might as well be sending them right to OW"s doorstep if theirs is a heated emotional/physical affair. However I felt God was asking us to be apart for some time. If you read Love Must be Tough by James Dobson it talks about the scriptural basis for separating. One thing you must remember though is that if your H sees an attorney soon he is probably going to want to come right back home because in OH here and other states its considered abandonment to leave your wife and kids and move in with OW. So you could charge him with abandonment and change the locks if you wanted and not let him see the girls if you wanted that. My H found that out after a month away from me and came right back home saying he wanted to reconcile. But he didnt and stayed in secret contact with OW. This was EXTREMELY hard to live around as he was cold, angry , depressed and unaffectionate around me. I told him if he filed for D on me I would take the kids to another state to live after I went for main custody of them and start my whole life over near relatives. That freaked him out. Legal separation is another possibility to check into. Why not find an attorney thru someone at church? Thats what I did.I got alot of free advice from an attorney over the phone. Check out those books I recommended you can buy them used at half.com. Also dont let your H move back in until youve gone to some counseling and youre really SURE he's committed to your marriage- that was a mistake I made and then H wouldnt move out again due to legal reasons. lifeismessy

lifeismessy<P>Thanks for your sugestions on what to do. I have contacted an attorney through the phone book and got free legal counsel. I am not aware of what the abandoment laws are in CA but I do know they said I could change the locks and he would have to pay me spousal support for the rest of my life. He would also have to pay child support. He would have nothing left in his paycheck. <P>We did talk about this after he left two weeks ago. I asked him not to file for anything for a year to give his heart a chance to change. Actually for the affair to die is what I know needs to happen before his heart can change. He did not answer me so I live in fear each day that I will be served with papers. I pray they never come. <P>I also told him about the legal costs. It is outrageous what they want to divorce someone. <P>I pray he will not go through with his threats of D.<BR>

I know just how you feel about fearing that you will be served with papers. I know I totally freaked out when I was served with them in mid-April. My H has told me since that he felt extreme pressure from OW to file on me and also that because we had been arguing that he felt I deserved someone better in my life.( guilt talking). Yet he didnt say any of this when he explained why he filed when I made him come home to work- he used the usual excuses- hopeless marriage, not in love, only together for the kids etc. I think he was too scared to admit the real reasons he filed on me at first- until he realized he would lose EVERYTHING. You are so right about divorces being $$$- its twenty thousand usually I've read thats the national average in a contested divorce unless you do a dissolution which is cheaper- about 10K still - but I told H I would NEVER agree that our marriage is irretrieably broken - both parties have to agree on that to do a dissolution. I just caution you again that if your H does want to move back home make sure that you are convinced its for the RIGHT reasons - insist on some counseling to see where his thoughts are at and that contact with OW has truly ended- ask for proof- I wish I had because it made things even rougher when he came back home and was still in secret contact with OW. There is no working on your marriage when they are still in contact believe me. Keep posting and take care- lifeismessy

Lifeismessy<P>How can any WS think that divorce is the best option? How can they not think of the consequences? My husband and I have discussed all the consequences but he still says he would rather count his losses now and go on with his life while there is still time. He is 40 and I guess believes he had better leave the marriage now before he gets too old and knowone would want him.<P>It is such a lie from the pit of hell. They are so deceived and truly believe that we are the cause of their unhappiness (blame game). <P>I know I have caused some of the problems in the marriage but my husband also played a part. He truly believes he has learned lessons from our marriage and does them right with the OW. He says he has learned communication and honesty. I about died when he told me this. What a lie! I told him to come back to the marriage and try communicating honestly then he could say he learned how to do this. He thinks he communicates his feelings honestly with the OW. I know he doesn't. I am sure he does not tell her when he is having a "dinner date" with me. When he is calling saying "I love You". <P>This whole affair stuff is just LIES!!! Why can they not see what we see. I guess all WS wear blinders over their eyes. My prayer is that God would remove the blinders and they could be able to see things as God sees them.<P>Pray2Day<BR>

I am really sorry for your troubles pray2. I am a ws also, married 23 years, and myself, w, and ow are all Christians too. This is hard for everyone, and I do worry about satan alot, but the hard part is figuring out what this all means. I suspect you are in no mood to hear my philosophic thoughts re religion and marriage, but many are posted here (at MB) and you can search my user name if you think that it might help you understand your husband's mind. I and ow decided we had to stop, and revisit our marital circumstances, and are doing so at the present. But have a long way to go and an uncertain future. I am wondering if ow is married?

sad_n_lonely<P>I will search your name and read your posts. My husband is involved with a divorced woman who is a Budhist. My husband and I are both Christians. I hope and pray he will return home soon since he looks very depressed even though he says he is "having the time of his life!"<P>Pray2Day