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Joined: Dec 1999
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Background:<P> I've been posting only occasionally, at Recovery, but I recognize several old friends here, so I thought I'd ask for encouragement here, too.<P><BR>My dear h. just told me that he needs a date for a HUGE function 'in the city' this week. We are two years into a strong healthy marriage, finally, after 13 bad years.<P>I have not seen OW in two years, and my formerly WH hasn't been involved with her for 2 years, he last saw her 9 months ago across a large convention hall. They still are practicing their profession in the same large city, but avoid each other very well. <P>She hates me, because she has never confessed her 3 office affairs to her h, but did have to change jobs last year when the truth hit the fan, so to speak. (BTW, I was only a confirmer of the truth, not the gossipmonger).<P>EX-OW was a 'collector' of men in the office, and kept the correspondence from them as trophies...which she left in a drawer for my h. to see, to try to make him jealous...except she didn't count on him confessing it all to me.<P>I still hold a few "TRUMP" cards...so to speak. I doubt if her h. will attend this thing, but there's a good chance she will.<P>ADVICE?<P>This huge dinner (over 1000) will be in a giant room, but if they do the tables by profession, guess who will probably be close enough for us to glare all night?<P>I just ordered two dresses, so I have that under control no matter the weather, but I need a pep talk big time....and don't want to bring this up with anybody local.<P>thanks in advance<P>his POGP<BR>lizzie<P><p>[This message has been edited by alias (edited September 05, 2001).]

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alias,<P>I'm not very good a pep talks (I think my kids soccer teams would have done better if I was [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )<P>My only advice is to sit proud at the dinner knowing the fact that your husband, who made a choice, chose you. Sit there thinking that you have had two strong healthy years of marriage and that OW is likely still miserable. People who as you say "collect men" are usually very unhappy and very insecure. Know that you are neither of these things. Keep these facts in your head and I think you can make it. After the party is over, have a wonderful evening with just you and your husband (if you know what I mean). Do something special and make it a night to remember, instead of a night to dread. In fact, spending time planning for something special after the party may take your mind off of your other issues.<P>Like I said, I'm not good at pep talks - but I can throw my 2 cents worth in.<P>S&C<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited September 05, 2001).]

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go looking your best.<P>And do not look for her at all. Repeat don't look for her.<P>The best revenge ENJOY yourself. <P>How about getting a room at the hotel for afterwards, tell your H shorlty before the dinner, so you both will have something to look forward to. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Hold your head high - knowing you can openly be who you are, that you have nothing to hide, that your H is with YOU, he chose to stay with YOU and that you are both an awesome team, stronger than ever, more in love than ever. Smile, smile, smile - it looks much better than glaring!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>And....HAVE FUN!!!

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S&C: don't sell yourself short as far as your cheerleading ability. I feel stronger and more beautiful already...thanks.<P>sing: Making love in a hotel...ANY hotel...is a BIG trigger. They had about 30 nooners over a 1 1/2 year period...and the A started in the big hotel we'll be at.<P>Instead, I have turned our BR into an oasis...we've spent the past two years learning massage, trying out candles, bought a great new bed...you get the idea. <P>I DO think I'll try to plan for the BR to look inviting when we get home. My H. has been antsy ever since he mentioned this thing...but he HAS to go...we'll have clients to entertain (fortunately, I've met them before and like the wives alot).<P>Alberta...what a good point...I look really good when I am having a good time. I think I will have a glass of wine before I go, tho...just a teensy one!<P>Thanks, dear ones...I'll keep you posted.

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I think Alberta had a Good idea. Have a GREAT time at this function BUT don't make it seem as if you are putting on a show for HER benefit. You know what I mean? If she gets the impression that you are ACTING happier than you really are, she may feel like things are not as strong at home as they really are and just may try to contact him again. Be your self, be happy and just ignore her completely as if she never was an issue in your marriage. Again, I hope you have a great time. Best wishes.<P>K

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Liz,<P>Why don't you both stay at the next closest hotel and forget that place. You two could have your own little illicit thing going on, by staying somewhere "secret" and running off somewhere else while the mob is milling about the "other" hotel. <P>I bet if OW got word that you and H are staying somehwere else it just might miff her a bit.(Did I just say that ?! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ) Side benefit. <P>Really, try someplace NEW with H. I bet it would make him feel more relaxed as well. The suggestion might be a big LB deposit [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]Anyway............have a good time Pearl!

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Hey there!<P>I am linking a thread from this summer which included some great advice from others to me when I had to be at a professional function and OW was there, often within a few feet of me.<P>I hope there is something helpful in this for you:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003526.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003526.html</A> <P><BR>I know you can pull this off lizzie! My strategy, as you will see from the thread, was to pretend she did not exist, that she is completely irrelevant to me, my H and our lives. I never said a word to her for three whole days (and evenings), even when we were right next to each other. And, of course, whenever there was an opportunity to make a positive impression with my H and others attending the event (many of whom know or heard rumours about H's A with OW), I tried to do just that with a noticeably confident smile. (Of course, I was dying on the inside the whole time, but damned if I was going to let anyone else see that!)<P>In a nutshell, my advice is to take the "high road". Do not bring yourself down to her level; do not acknowledge any form of connection to OW; she is invisible to you, your H and your life.<P>Also, do discuss and agree on a joint strategy with your H. That helped us a great deal.<P>Good luck. Just keep telling yourself "I can do this, and I can do it with style"<P>OneDay<P>------------------<BR>Never give up. Never, never give up.<BR>~ Winston Churchill

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I know you'll be terrific!<P>Honey, she's not an issue anymore, hasn't been for a long time. She has no power over you, no power over him...you guys have proven that.....she's nothing unless you make her something. And you won't.<P>Dress to kill, have a good time and forget she exists. Trust me, your presence is worse to her. She has to see the two of you happy, know what she did and try to not show that she feels like a jerk! We were invited to a "thing" the first summer after Robert came home and a wedding that fall. I had been around PT here and there at his work, but nothing too terribly close. I was kinda excited. I have this terrible need to take stuff back. Anyway, one of his friends came to him and asked if we'd be attending - it happened for both events. When he told him and asked why, he told us it was b/c PT was also invited and did NOT want to attend if we would be there...it made her too uncomfortable. (Deep sigh here - even I have my moments of pettiness! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ) I'd be willing to bet it's the same - you intimidate her much more than she does you, even if she doesn't show it.<P>Have a blast!<P>Love,<P>Lori

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alias,<P>Attack your husband BEFORE you leave then tell him there will be more of that after. <P>Spend a few minutes looking in the mirror at yourself. You've come a long way. Nobody is better or stronger than you.<P><BR>Good luck,<P><BR>who

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DEAR SISTERS AND WAR BUDDIES...<P>thank you.<P>i will breathe<P>i will smile<P>i will look fabulous<P>(dear H. just left another phone message "BTW, this thing is VERY fancy" <P>I'm psyched.<P>I look fabulous in formal wear...and she is really FLAT chested.<P>oops...petty moment [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>POGP

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alias,<P>I KNOW you'll be lookin' good and carrying yourself like the confident woman you are. I have one more suggestion. <P>According to my H, I have a bad habit of "assuming" he knows what I want and/or need. In a situation like this, I would want him to feel free to put his arm around me, hold my hand, keep me close, definitely include me in conversations, to make a "united" team appearance to his friends. I'm sure your H realizes how much this appearance means to you. If his physical affectionate presence with you means alot to you while in the company of these friends, let him KNOW how much you'd appreciate that before you get there. <P>Too often I have assumed my H understood my feelings, my fears, my insecurities. And too often he has told me, "Hon, I wish you had TOLD me you were feeling that way. I didn't know."

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Nerly,<P>THANKS.<P>As you probably remember, our husband's went to the same school of stoic behavior...and you are absolutely right...I assume that if she is there, he will know exactly what I need, but if we don't discuss it, he will just freeze up and head for the bar.<P>Thanks for the great advice. I've missed all these friendships, but not the garbage that first brought me here!<P>liz<P>------------------<BR>I became a Pearl because of the pain inside

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Don't forget to tell your H how fabulous and sexy he looks in formal wear!! (And how much fun you will have taking it off of him at the end of the evening - or will it be the beginning??? tee hee [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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I can't wait to hear how it goes.<P>I will soon see the OW @ a college reunion. H hasn't sen her in 3 years. She is very arrogant & denies the A. I am petrified. Will she be thinner, prettier etc.<P>I will be happy that my h is by my side, but it would be wonderful if he spent the entire drooling over me & showing everyone just how much he adores me. If he leaves me alone for one second I'll die.<P>Can't wait to hear how it turns out...Enjoy...<P>Lisa

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She wasn't there!<BR>We were at a table with the company president, marketing director, and the CFO and a fascinating group of women -- their wives and daughters. No 'have you met my companion for the evening' garbage. <P>I just LOVE this new company -- God has so blessed my husbands faithfulness. He left his last job to get away from OW, taking a $10,000 pay cut. <P>Try balancing your budget with that! But guess what? He (and therefore WE) have been prospering and being blessed over and over -- as a family, not in a paycheck.<P>Never Underestimate the POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE! (my apologies to Ladies Home Journal and Stormie O'Martian.)<P>liz/pogp<P>btw, I'm still overweight by 20 lbs. Two years ago, when I rebounded from the Infidelity diet I started doing the gourmet cooking that 'caught' my h. in the first place. Now We joke that we are fat and happy and that love handles make for better sex. Goodness, did I just say that?<P><P>------------------<BR>I became a Pearl because of the pain inside


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