After spending some time with my H last weekend only to have him leave and bail out on taking kids for the night, I woke up Monday morning not really giving a darn about him or our marriage or what he does. <BR>I just want to live my life and do my thing regardless of him. I have stood around and waited on him long enough. I have wasted my entire summer and labor day weekend "waiting" on him to "want" to spend his free time with me and the kids. <P>People here have been telling me that time would make things better. Is this attitude better? I'm not sure if it is a defense mechanism or what exactly changed. H & I really didn't argue during the 20 hours we spent around each other. In fact, he said he had fun. I just could care less if I see him again right now or not. <P>This is scary because this is the first time I have had these feelings. He has been gone over 5 months but up until last weekend, I wanted to stick around the house in case he came by, or I would check the caller id immediately for any sign he might have called.<P>Tonight I will see him at son's ballgame and while I plan to be friendly, I really don't care to spend time with him. <P>Is this a normal phase in the grieving process? Will it go away? Will my indifferent attitude make any impact on my H? This is not some Plan A thing that I am making myself do, I have simply lost the sense of urgency that I was feeling before. <P>If anyone has experienced this feeling or has any advice, I would really appreciate it. Thanks alot. <P>PP<P>

<BR> Wow! Time to tell your H where his lack of attention to you and family has guided you. You are at the point that you do not care any more. Tell him that you love him and that you want him to be your H for all time but that it is time for him to work on the marrige with you;you are no longer going to work on it by yourself. Be ready not to fight tell him you are ready when he is. It takes 2 for a recovery to make it work.<BR> Thank You, Yesitcan! Work

Hey peoplepleaser, just read your post. Thast exactly where I'm at as well. I know more people will respond who are farther along then us, so I look forward to hearing from them too. I'm at the point of just letting go of all of it, and moving on by myself. My h is not interested in a recovery, but i have to recover for me, to keep my sanity in tack. I have 4 kids to take care of, and if not for me then for them. They haven't had a mom in over 6 months. ANd i know they need me really really bad. If my H decides he wants to make it work, fine, if not fine too. HE will get another 18 months from me then i'm filing for divorce. At that time, i will not even consider taking him back. My H wants everything to go back how is was, fine he can go back, i won't. I'm not the same person as i was before. I will be as nice to him as i can. But i won't let him push my boundaries anymore. I'll try not to LB himat all, but i will move on with him or without. PAytonrose

Well I got into this mode of thinking about 4 mo past d-day .H had moved out for awhile, wouldnt end his A, wouldnt go to therapy, I began to emotionally detach from my H because he was emotionally detached from me and I couldnt handle feeling attached to him much longer - it was TOO painful.He kept finding fault with me for why our marriage wasnt working but didnt do a darn thing to try to change himself. He even wanted to make me madder so that I would be mean to him so he would feel less guilty about divorcing me which was what OW was pressuring him to do.Finally after filing on me something snapped inside him and he woke up and realized what he was destroying- our 15 yr marriage! I had suppressed my anger so long that I finally started getting angry- this really fueled the fire. When he filed for D on me that set me off bigtime. But now we are reconciling 6 mo past d-day and I have had to try to emotionally re-engage. I think its normal to detach at some point when you're being treated badly- how could that be wrong? Its natural to want to avoid emotional pain. lifeismessy Good luck to all of you no matter how things turn out for you!lifeismessy

Hi, <P>Your feelings are fairly common for your timeframe. Here is a post I share about the 5 stages of grieving. See if you can see yourself here. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>About that time you are at now, I told my H to go get the D. He never did but I wanted it over with. It scared him a bit, then I went to a type of plan B (did not do a good one). This scared him more he came home but for him it was premature. Too much OW pressure and his feelings for her were still strong. So he went back 2 more times after that. <P>The 4-5th months are hard. Your adrenaline is starting to peter out and reality is still staring at you. So it is only natural for those feelings to get worn. This is about when I started looking hard at D. Walked the walk down the courthouse, consulted a laywer, read up on state laws, etc. Got all my research together then told H, ok go ahead, I am ready. Is that what you are feeling like? If it is, then do the reality check of what a D would mean. Write it down on paper if you feel you need to. These are some strong feelings and you need to be just as clear headed on those feelings as you expect your H to be on his. <P>Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. <P>L. <BR> <BR>

I had a similar thing happen. But, we were in recovery!! Things had been going great, then we took a family vacation and had NO couple time for about 10 days. Got home and I felt almost no connection to W.<P>W went online immediately and maybe emailed OM. I don't know what she did because I didn't care AT ALL and I didn't pay much attention. This was very surprising to me because before we left I was very worried about what would happen when we got back. <P>It was very peaceful to not have worries for a while. It was very disturbing to not care. I can almost imagine that this is what Plan B should feel like if done properly (I never had to go there).<P>We did reconnect fairly quickly after spending time together. It was a very strange experience. Coincidentally, it was about 4 months after d-day.<P>--Jeffers

Thanks for the replies. I write to my H everynight in a journal (he has never read it but knows it exists). I try to write down exactly what I'm thinking in order to get it out and not dwell on it. It really helps. At first I did it thinking he would read my thoughts and come running back home(ha,ha) but now I just do it for me. I don't think I'll allow him to read it now because it is more like a private diary these days.<P>As for my feelings, I saw H tonight at son's b-game. He asked me to rub a sore muscle in his shoulder. I sat behind him on the bleachers to do this and once I was done, I stayed where I was. He finally moved up beside me when he realized I had no intention on moving to be next to him. We talked alot of course about work, ball, school, etc and had a good time cheering our team to victory(yeah!)<P>When it was time to go, he wanted to buy me a hot dog because I hadn't eaten. I refused but thanked him for thinking of me. We went to the van and my typical routine has been to hang around outside to talk to him and get my usual goodbye hug ( the hugging started about a month ago by him, he says he wants to see how it feels)<P>Anyway tonight we were still talking but I went around got in my seat, put belt on and closed the door. He looked a bit shocked and leaned all the way in the van from the side door to semi-hug me. He kept on and on saying he had a good time and it was fun, yada yada yada. I said yeah it was, see you later, bye.<P>I usually cry after we part ways but tonight I was actually happy. It is so wierd. I'm not sure what it all means. I have been praying for God's peace in my life because I have been super impatient during this process. I try to LB but I have definately been guilty of pushing to hard.<P>I guess he will think I'm trying to play hard to get now but the truth is I'm not playing. I'm tired of games. He knows how I feel about things and that I am willing to forgive him for his affair and devote myself to making our marriage great in the future. He knows I've accepted my part in our growing apart and he knows most of the things that drove us apart are no longer part of my life. <P>See, I used to have a best friend/co-worker who I talked on the phone with almost everynight. Her H and mine were friends and we often took trips together. She betrayed me and my company in Dec00 by walking out without notice and going to a competitor of ours who was trying to shut us down by stealing our mangt. staff. At the time, I told someone I would have expected my H to have an affair before I would expected my friend to do what she did. <P>Little did I know that 1 month later, my H would say "I'm not happy", 2 months after that move out, and 2 months after that start an affair with the new "girl next door".<P>Talk about feeling betrayed and forgotten. I did survive though and with God's help I'm stronger everyday.<P>I needed the wake-up call in my marriage. I was spending too much time at work or thinking about work or on the phone about work, etc. My H and I have different TV interests. I like Braves baseball and he likes movies with fast cars, guns, breasts, etc. I'm the typical Braves fan and he likes the "Movies for guys who like movies" format better. <P>We also have 2 children 5&10 so during school time, there was always homework, someone who needed a bath, needed a check for something for school or some activity, some ball practice to attend and various other things that drove us apart. He also worked a mini-shift which meant he worked 2 nights out of every weekend. <P>I have tried for 5 months to get him to see what he is giving up. I have begged other MBer's on the D/D board for advice and the best piece I got was :<P>If there isn't a student in the room, don't try to teach.<P>A profound thought but I think it finally set in. Nothing I can say or do will make any difference until my H decides if new life with GF is better than old life with wife of 12 years and 2 kids. <P>They live in a house divided by a towel over the window between the living spaces. He rents one side from her Dad who owns the house. This is how they met according to him. She pursued him and he thought that a new relationship might help him "feel alive" again. Neither he or she has a phone. They both work 3rd shift. Her X was a drug addict and she has a 5 year old ago. ( personally I love this little girl because she scratched a tic tac toe board complete with X's and O's into the passenger side door of my H's prize GMC truck, I could have died laughing because he is so particular about that truck and the paint, etc.) I have never met the OW or her kid but I know she is making lists of divorce questions, etc for him because I found the list in his wallet last weekend. <P>Well, I'm just rambling on and on. It really helps me to "talk" this all out. Sometimes I go back and read my old posts just to remind myself how much I've grown during this whole ordeal.<P>God Bless you all and thanks again for responding. It means a lot to me.<P>PP<P><BR>

Hey all,<P>I'm sort of bumping this up to get some more opinions along with wanting to wish everyone a great weekend.<P>For the first time, I feel good going into a weekend because I'm going do what I want to do and I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself or waiting on my H to come by to help me. <P>This morning before I came to work, I weed-eated around flower beds, skimmed the leaves out of the kids pool, changed the water in the turtle tank, took the trash off and went to the grocery store. <P>To anyone out there who thinks all hope is lost and they can't go on without there H or W, please know that good times will come sooner or later. I don't even pretend to think things are better for me and my marriage but I really think I'm at a much better mental state to handle things as the happen. God has restored my Hope. II Timothy 1:7 says " I have not given you a spirit of fear".<P>Maybe I've just realized that I was letting my fears rule me. I was and still am afraid to be alone, to be a single parent, to maintain a yard and 4 acres of land, to pay all my debt, to save for college, braces, cars, etc. However, I am no longer letting the fear of failing prevent me from living. I will go on. God also says "I will never leave you or forsake you" One thing I know for sure is that if you put your faith in people, they will let you down but if you put your faith in God, anything is possible.<P>I hope everyone has a great weekend. Looks like I'm going to do some weed-killing, mulching, plant some mums and maybe make a brick walkway if I get real inspired.<P>God Bless PP

Hey pp,<P>We have a turtle too, actually it's my d's - named Chomper (like from Land Before Time).<P>Hang in there. You actually have a very good thought process. You are right!!!!!! You can't sit around waiting for them to call/come by. It is best to do your thing - BTW, if he is with her - let the newness wear off fast.<P>You are actually doing SAA - all the principles in Surviving an Affair. Letting go is good - maybe the rubber band will start coming back.<P>You know, sometimes I think that if this were ALL OVER - what possibilities would I have. I hate to say, I know this one man, who is a bank president, had his wife leave him for another man - I see possibilities - I actually see myself with him. <P>I'm sure you hate the pain as much as I do. I have really hated this game - I always thought my H would never play games - and then he let himself get roped into his EA (which he claims was never an affair - he doesn't classify it is that). So, tell me, what do you call sending a rose, relationship/love cards, calling long distance, writing her and her children's birthday's in a daytimer - what do you call that?<P>Yes, at times, I am ready to GIVE UP.<P>Hope you survive the day, aftershock

I'm really glad I hooked up and read this post. I have a very similar situation to those I'm reading. D-Day was 5-1/2 months ago, we went to counseling, but my husband admits that I am working on the marriage more than him. Of course, I have found this crazy, and think that with all of what has gone on, it should be him that has the user name striving, and not me!!!<P>He is definite about wanting to work on the marriage, and we have very little hostility now. This is a small town, so there are times when we see "her", much to my dismay. However, I have put so much energy into this, reading books, praying, looking for signs, progress, etc. that I am kind of emotionally exhausted. I had a little break down a couple of days ago, and said that I might just want him to move out to give me some space (he's never wanted to move out).... My whole hangup I guess at this point is that I don't think we're making progress fast enough for me....<P>I think I want to detach a little now, just to gather up some reserves.... Hope that helps someone out there. My H is a little bewildered - he thought things were going pretty well.<BR>

Peoplepleaser It's amazing how much we want what we can't have. You want your husband and he is, of now, gone. If he saw you doing well, Places to go, people to see, things to do don't you think it would make you a more interesting person to him. I'm happy to see that you didn't stick around tonight at the game to reasure him that you wanted him so. This is what Plan B is all about. Giving you the space to work on you and for him to see and wander what he is missing and what you are doing. <BR>Continue to be a bit misterious. Be to busy, sit with other parents at the game, have him rub YOUR nick, don't be so eager to ansewer his calls, DON'T BE NEEDY. We ALL want what we can't have and.... <BR>You are SO on the right track. <BR>BTW I really needed to read the line " If there isn't a student in the room, don't teach". Thanks<P>------------------<BR>Marry

Well, so far so good. No tears yet!!!!<P>So far I've cut about 2 acres of grass, fed the roses, sprayed roundup around the flowerbeds, hauled off a load of broken stuff and 2 bags of trash, washed and folded all the clothes and took the dry clean stuff to the cleaners. Whew!<BR>And I cut the low limbs off the poplar tree and hauled them off too. Forgot that...<BR>The depressing thing is how much more I still have to do. I am really overwhelmed so I decided to stop and make a list so I could see what I had accomplished.<P>Funny thing. My H came by the morning(actually I passed him on road when going to cleaners and said I'd be right back) He did have this funny look on his face that he was shocked I wasn't at home. Too bad I didn't have better plans at that time.<P>Well, he helped cut the grass in the dog lot, showed me how to hook the trailer up to the tractor so I could haul stuff easier and plugged a tire on the tractor that was flat. He said that we would load up some old outdoor furniture that needs to be thrown away. We were hauling off a load of brush and he asked if the kids could just go spend the night with him. I said sure, they are your kids. Have fun. He asked me to go check on D and get some clothes together for them, including bathing suits. He wanted me to look for him a suit too. ( The OW's dad has a pool but he said he would take them to the lake) Yeah right!<P>Anyway, I came in and did all those things then went to take a shower and I was filthy with grass & sweat. He eventually came looking for me and once again seemed shocked that I was doing something instead of following him around like a puppy.<P>He needed help finding them socks and shoes, **Some things never change** . The kids were wild today so I'm really excited he has them. Let him deal with them for a while. I'm not sure that he won't get OW to help him but I know my 10yr old D will tell me if he does. This will be the first time she has been to his place and he moved there in May. <P>It hurt a little when he didn't ask me to go with them but I didn't let it bother me too much. I'm planning on enjoying the day.<P>Thanks to all for your replies. They really do help me keep my perspective. PP

I forgot to add that as soon as he asked me about them going with him, he was in an incredible hurry to leave. He didn't move the old truck he said he would and didn't help load up the junk to haul off. It was like he felt guilty about not asking me and he had to get away fast. That might not have been it but it was a definate change in behavior from that point on. He came and hugged me before he left but I didn't hug back. Didn't pull away but just didn't wrap arms around him. <P>I hope he sees that having both kids by himself is not as much fun as being together as a family. But for now, I've got to stay busy. <P>See ya!

I know exactly how you feel. I actually got to the point with my H that I told him it hurt to much to care so I was going to quit caring until we could work something out. It floored him. Within two days, H said he missed me. H has never moved out so he meant he missed me caring. I literally got to where we would sleep in the same bed with me on one side and him on the other. Instead of me holding him, H finally decided to come over and hold me saying he missed me. I know where you are though. It feels so liberating (even for me with H in the house) not to worry about it for a while, huh? I was just tired of trying, tired of crying, and simply tired of caring about it. It worked for me since H realized what it means to lose me.<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Dumplin,<P>I, too, am almost at the point of not caring. I asked him yesterday if he would prefer I not be with him anymore. I am sick of crying almost everyday because he won't tell me what has/is going on. So much for brutal honesty. I told him last night...no matter how terrible or hurtful whatever it is, he should tell me, because otherwise my imagination runs wild. No response. I end up not doing anything around the house or yard because I don't care about any of it. I know that if we split up, it won't be mine, so why should I care. I just wish I could let go.<BR>

Peoplepleaser When you get going, YOU GET GOING!!!!!!!!!!<BR>All of these things will not only make you look more pleasing "interesting" to your husband but they will give you your self confidence back. <BR>You are an interesting woman<BR>You have things to do (don't go with him even if you are invited,"you have other plans" he doesn't need to know weather you have plans or not. does he tell you his plans?)<BR>You have people to see (there must be a friend you could go to a play with)Volunteer at church or shelter.<BR>Let him question, don't show interest in what he is up to and be evasive about you activities.<BR>PP My daughter is the one here who is involved with a MM. I wish his wife would come here. I'm for the family and his children and have told my daughter so. <BR>You are doing great!!!!!!!!!!<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Marry

Sad1,<P>I know how it feels not to care about anything. Have you talked with your doctor about anti-depressants (sp?)? When I first found out about H's A (a year ago), I was so depressed my boss sent me to the doctor because I was non-functional. I didn't care about going to work, didn't care about the house. Our dishes piled up because I literally didn't have the energy or the want to to get up and do them. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you can't let this ruin YOUR life. I know it's devestating. I almost lost my job (thank goodness I had an understanding boss) and I know my children were suffering because I didn't have enough energy to take care of them properly. My MIL was a lifesaver during this time with the kids.<P>You have to make sure to take care of yourself. Do you have any children? If so, remember they need you. Your H comes last until he can "get his head out of his butt" in my opinion. Find something that you enjoy and hold onto it. For me, it was music. My favorite song during this time became "Kiss This" by Aaron Tippen. It's a good song to get you mad and getting mad (along with meds) was the only thing that got me through that period. When H wasn't home, I would turn on the music and dance around the house with my kids. Maybe the dishes didn't get washed right then, but eventually I got to where I had the energy to get them done. If you don't have any children, maybe you should consider getting a pet. I have a dog that will always love me and if I need to cry that dog will sit there and let me loving me the whole time. <P>I'm worried about you because you sound like I did and I had many thoughts of suicide. I felt like a failure and now I still have to remember that I may have played a part in this, but my H was the one that chose to have the A, not me. Please e-mail me if you need someone to talk to and talk with your doctor about some anti-depressants.<P>With love,<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Peoplepleaser, I think this must be normal for people experiencing a lot of emotional trauma. I usually post in Recovery, but the title of this post caught my eye. I'm going through the same thing, just getting too worn out by all the stress. You can check out my thread:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/004431.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/004431.html</A> <P>(I hope this link works, I've never done this before.)<P>I hope that for you, as for me, this taking a break from it all has the effect of surprising your husband and making him rethink this situation. If he's used to you waiting eagerly for his attention, it may not be so much fun to find you going on with your life.<P>Good luck!<P>SBH

peoplepleaser<BR>Last week I took off my wedding ring for the first time. I felt free, but the next morning I put it back on. I felt as if I really didn't care anymore after 5.5 months of plan A and 1 month of plan B. <BR>This last week I too have noticed changes in my WH. He has either called or come over every day(he lives with OW) except for this weekend. He's back with her full time. This is very unusual as I was always the one to make contact before. I see how this has gotten my hopes up again though and I'm afraid I'll blow my plan B. It's so hard to know how to react to him when he contacts me. He's a very shy person and I don't want to scare him away.<BR>Do you have this problem or is it very clear to you how you should act towards him?