I had an affair with one of my bosses at work who is also married with 2 young children (he's 40 and I am 29) for a little over a year and I am in recovery after admitting the affair to my husband in order to see what was left in our relationship. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and married for 3 out of those 10 years. We met when i was 20 and everything seemed OK prior to the affair. But the affair almost ruined us. I am lucky enough to say that we both found the strength to try to work on things, and it is indeed working. <P>After 4 months of hard work, I can happily say that my marriage is getting back on track and I have regained many of the lost feelings for my husband that I thought would *never* return, including sexual feelings. Leaving my lover was a hard decision but when I made it, I realized that whether or not my marriage survived, I had to at least try because there was once great love in my marriage. I also hated the liar I had become as a result of the affair, and how my lover was comfortable with the lying. I hated how I was hurting my husband as well. Thankfully, my marriage is getting better - we communicate more, share our emotions (something my husband never used to do - now he shows me and tells me how much he loves me), he respects me as an individual (something I thought he never used to do as well) and has shown how much he loves me, not just by forgiving me for such a terrible betrayal, but by having enough faith in us to help me through it. In the past, I never thought he really loved me; I thought he just felt I was 'good enough,' or that I made a good doctor's wife. I now know that all those thoughts were part of my own insecurities. I used to blame him for them, instead of trying to resolve them with him. So now we are working on it and I am almost through recovery but...<P>My problem is that I have not yet 100% forget my affair partner even though I have not seen or spoken to him in over 4 months. I told him that even though I had feelings for him, I needed to try with my husband and therefore could not have him in my life at all anymore. I respected my husband and wanted to be fair to him. In order to help myself through this, I have closed all of my means of communicating with him including severing mutual friendships, and even got a new (and luckily, much better) job in order to get away from him. But even though I made this choice, I am constantly ruminating about it. To me these thoughts make no sense because, now that it is really over, I clearly see that my lover had a predilection toward cheating and I have recently heard that he has had affairs before. I suspected this when it was going on, but refused to believe it. Now it seems so obvious, and I cannot believe how much I risked with my husband to be with someone who is a liar. I see how much he was lying to his family to get what he wanted and that upsets me. I also think a lot about his small children and his wife and feel sorry for them because of what I did to them. Then sometimes I feel sad that I made the choice to leave him for good because he was so hurt by it. For over a year I tried to end it and each time, he'd try to keep it alive despite my efforts. But back then, every time he called, I'd talk to him and it would start all over again. When I ended it for good, I had to ignore him totally, and that hurt him. He knew I was going to ignore him, and I asked him to respect me by never communicating with me again, but he still tried. I still remember him crying to me, asking me to tell him I loved him just one more time, and it makes me sad. I wish it didn't. <P>I hear from some peopel that he is going great, that he and his wife are trying, and that makes me mad because I tried to get him to do that for so long but he never listened. He only was motivated to do it once I made the final choice to end it. I am mad that I spent so much time trying to help a person who, it seems, is not able to be helped, given his past. <P>So how do I forget all this for good? Will I ever forget it? I feel like I dwell on it often and it makes me feel sad and depressed. I want it to end, especially now that I am so much closer with my husband. I hate that I think about it and want to stop.

Recovered,<BR>Yes, you will eventually forget your lover. It just will take time. It sounds like you have made a lot of progress in just four short months. You say your affair lasted over a year...well, you can't expect a year'd worth of feelings and memories to disappear in such a short time. Undoubtedly, there will be certain memories and thoughts of him that will linger with you for years, but that's not something you need to share with your husband. You just need to understand that this is the consequence of the kind of relationship you shared.<P>As time goes on, and your relationship with your husband continues to improve, your memories will dim. You are very lucky that your husband was understanding about your affair and was willing to work on rebuilding your marriage. Many husbands are not so willing--mine was not. And as you continue to build new good memories with your husband, they will displace the memories of your lover.<P>Another thing you can do is try to think negative thoughts about your lover. You said in your post that he was comfortable with the lying in your affair, and also that it is likely that he had other affairs before. Dwell on those things. Realize what that says about his character and the person he really is. Be glad that you got out when you did. It's a terrible thought, but maybe you weren't the only one he was messing around with???<P>Hope some of this helps. Hang in there, you're on the right track. Time is the great healer.<P>Calla

Thank you, Calla, for your kind words. Your message was very helpful to me. I appreciate your taking the time to write.<P>I am sorry to hear that you and your husband could not work things out and hope that you too can forget and moveon.<P>

Recovered,<P>You are very much on the right track. When I broke things off with my lover, it was very hard. And as the months have passed, almost 6, it has gotten easier. There are many things I have to just put out of my mind because my OM really thought I was going to get a divorce like he did and marry him. But I couldn't throw away all the years I had invested in my marriage. I had to break all ties with him in order to see if my marriage could survive and so far it is doing great.<BR>Do I still have feelings for the OM? Yes, but they seem to get further and further from my mind as the days progress.<BR>Whenever he comes to my mind, I replace him with images of my H and all that he has done for me. I think of how much my H has stood by me and how much he must love me. And I can't imagine my life without him in it. But there are times when the OM's image is so clear in my head. And I realize that is the biggest price I have to pay for cheating on my H. It will take lots of time for those memories to fade, but I know that they will. Just as I know that I made the very best choice in staying with my wonderful H. <BR>So give yourself time and know that those memories will fade in your mind too. Replace them with the good memories of your H and all his love for you.<BR>God bless.<BR>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes

Recovered,<P>Please listen to the advice you are getting. A few months ago a lady who posts here, SKM, posted a chronological listing of her changes as she recovered from here affair. It was shorter in duration than yours, but I think you may benefit from reading it. Simply click on bookmark labeled SKM's chronicles. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002290.html" TARGET=_blank>SKM's chronicles </A><P>It would seem that you are doing very well for only 4 months of recovery. There will be ups and downs and some of them will depend on the evolution of the affair. For example, did you confess the affair or did your H find out about it? How long after the affair was known to your H did you finally realize that contact ceased? All of these questions have a baring on how fast you will recover and how fast your H will feel.<P>I would not be surprised that as recovery continues that you will see some anger from your H and even pulling away for awhile. Just keep doing what you are doing.<P>As for the forgetting, Harley suggests that you will never completely forget and there will always be a "weak spot" in your heart for the OM. Hence his strong suggestion that "no contact" be maintained for the rest of your life. I am sure you realize that if your OM has lied easily and has indeed had other affairs, that his pain with your breaking it off is very likely temporary. Sadly, he will probably find someone else unless he and his wife are in recovery also.<P>Keep posting and asking questions there are many here who can help you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. Reading your responses, and how you seem to care for total strangers, brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had used this forum before - when I first got into this, I didnt know it existed. But I found the site after admitting my affair to my husband. I have read every single one of Dr Harley's books and I am convinced that I would not be here without them and without him. In the past I just used this site when I needed a 'pick me up' or word of inspiration while at work. This forum is also helping tremendously. Can I ask for an ear for this stuff below? Thanks so much.<P>I am doing well and so is my husband but here is what happened:<P>I met my affair partner at work. He was a high level writer at my publication and everyone idolized him. I heard a rumor that he was involved with a younger girl and saw them acting weird together, and was disgusted. I didn't even want to be friends with him even though I admired him. Then suddenly (we were on a retreat) he started paying attention to me. We talked. Here was the most "popular" person in our company talking to little old me! He made me laugh. I felt sorry for him because he was spending so much time drinking and smoking pot with is coworkers (I do not and have not ever done any drugs and in fact find these sort of people to be weak). I felt sorry for him and thought his use of drugs and alcohol on a social basis must be because he was unhappy. I asked him about his family and kids and he said "I have a 1 year old and a 5 year old. One kid changes your life, and two kids bulldoze your life" I felt sorry for his kids because he said that. But still I admired him for some reason, probably it was becasue of his job. Stupid of me. <P>We left the retreat and became email friends, and wrote to me contstantly about how he felt we knew each other from before. He made an excuse a month later to come to my town and we went to dinner. He asked me to be "his date." I was flattered. Then he very easily held my hand at dinner. And told me how he felt about me. It all happened so fast. I told him I felt infatuated with im for some reason even though it is wrong. He said "Well maybe we should do this and think about it as an addition to our lives, not a subtraction from our marriages." This line worked on me. From that day on, we became lovers. I did not kiss him on this trip even though he tried. But on subsequent trips it became physical. I am not very sexual so was surprised that I even did such a thing. I did not have sex with him right away. <P>He left my town and told his wife "I'll need to be traveling to X-Town a lot this year" He told me that he "was preparing her" for his frequent visits to see me. I was floored. I thought it would be a one time thing and here he was planning to see me so often, planning excuses way way way in advance. <P>So we had a one year long affair, that grew more and more intense as time went on. I tried to end it a number of times but alwasy fell back into it.<P>After a year, my consceince was killing me. I admitted it to my husband on my own. He did not suspect anything - except for the fact that I was treating him like dirt prior to admitting it. Our relationship was in horrible shape, and I just felt like he needed to know the truth since I was more or less prepared to move out anyway. So i told him one night. He asked why, and I did not have an answer. I just felt attracted to this other person and felt it was a sign that my marriage was not right, and that I should explore it. Also, unfortunately, my husband told me that he would understand if I ever did such a thing like cheat because I was so young and inexperienced when we met. I never thought I would do it, but I sort of held onto this word from him when I decided to go ahead and cheat. <P>My lover was very adept at telling me things like "my wife doesn't understand me" or "i do not feel any emotional connection to her" and I believed it all, felt sorry for him in fact. I wanted to help him so much. When i would end things (I tried lots and lots of times) he'd say something like "my life is chaos, and you are the only thing that makes me feel good" or "isn't it sad that you do not think you have ever had someone who really loves you, and you are letting that one person who does (him) go" and stuff like that. It always made my heart melt and I felt that he was being truthful and I wanted to keep feeling it. I wish i had stopped in the beginning before I really fell in love with him, but alas, one cannot undo the past. He would go out of his way, risk his job by making very silly reasons to come to my city to visit me. He would often come 2x per month - ridiculous because there was not much going on here. But no one knew. <P>I finally decided to tell my husband because he deserved to know why I was being so mean and what was going on, and because I felt as if just leaving him was unfair. I wanted to also tell him becasue me and my affair partner had decided we would "do what we needed to do" in order to finally be together. That was the plan, although I cautioned him that we would not be able to promise one another anything given that we cannot predict how admiting will make us feel toward our spouses. He agreed. Then suddenly I got cold feel and told him not to change his life for me. But I knew that *I* had to make some changes, and one of them was coming clean with my husband. <P>After I told my husband, I also told him I loved him in a general sense but that I was in love with my affair partner. I told him I didn't know what to do, wasn't yet sure about divorce, but that I needed his help in staying away from my lover. My own attempts never worked, but knowing that each time my lover contacted me would hurt my husband more, I knew I might be stronger. So I agreed to cut off all communication. This happened in mid-March. <P>But the affair partner didn't let up. And his persistence was welcomed by me sometimes, because I was lonely, scared, tired, and missing him. He called the day after I came clean to "see how I was" and tell me how strong he thinks I am. How I am stronger than him. How he admires me. And of course to remind me that he loved me and would marry me if I ever left my marriage. All this, from a person who had gone to counseling with his wife for 7 months while having an affair with me and never even having the courage to admit it (he said I was not their problem so that's why he didn't bring it up in counseling). From that, I knew he'd never have the courage to tell her anything. He was also always so worried about his kids. I told him that he was going to hurt them very much by breaking up his family and he said "well, maybe I will be helping them by bringing you into my life" which of course, made me feel so good. He said "why can't people understand that I just found someone I like better, that I will be happier now? That will help my kids. YOU make me happy. My wife doesn't." I want to have children so badly, but can't right now because my husband is deep into his medical training. It felt so good thinking of having his cute children in my life because I thought I loved him so. <P>So I continued contact with him after that for a week and then told him I had to stop, that I wasn't being fair, that I felt sick about it and depressed. So he agreed to leave me alone and I said I'd call him if anything ever changed. But emailed me 2 weeks later saying he'd be in town. This is how he used to get me to see him when I would try to end it. He'd say he'd be in town and wanted to see me "as just friends." Silly me would always agree and then this thing would get started again. But I have to admit, he ws the first man who ever pursued me like this, so I interpreted it as love. So this time, I told him no, that it isn't right to me him or our families and he was devastated. He said he heard it in my voice, that I was really gone. He said I amde him feel like an idiot, and I told him not to tell his wife just fo rme, but to tell her so they can work on things, like I did. When we ended the conversation, he was crying. <P>The next day he sent another email telling me we still needed to talk, that he had written me a long letter tha the was going to put in the mail. I promptly wrote back telling him not to mail me any letters and that, after the conversation we had the night before, he should not have any more questions in his mind. I asked him to forget me and to not contact anymore. His reaction to this was anger. So much anger that he made strange phone calls to mutual friends (one was a 25 year old coworker of mine, when he is a 40 year old man. He also told her that "Recovered is so jealous of me an you - she told me that several times" making my friend mad at me. Of course I was jealous when he talked to her when he would talk to her! I was having an affair with him!) He asked her what she thought was wrong with me because I was avoiding him. My friend said he sounded insane, very desperate. This hurt me that he would do such a thing because he was jeopradizing my reputation. Luckily, I had already quit that job and did not have to worry about the damage he could do. Or so I thought. It ends up he used to work for the new company I work for and he started communicating with people there again - meanwhile he hardly ever mentioned them before. Then he called a coworker of mine at my current company (who used to work at the same company as me and the affair partner) just to talk to her about things. She told me this and was confused by it because in her words "she was never even friends with him before." So he was trying anything he could to get a piece of me back. It made me scared so I called him and told him how mad I was. I tired to get him to admit that he was wrong, and he said it was innocent. He could not even admit he made a mistake by trying to saboage my friendship. But we ended up talking and saying we missed one another, and decided to talk later. Little did I know that he was out to dinner with his family when i called. He walked outside of the restaurant and spent 30 minutes on the phone with me while his wife waited inside. It was her birthday, he told me the next day. I felt awful. He did not tell me that when we were speaking and I felt so sorry for he. But we still made promises to love each other and work on leaving our marriages to be together. We figured that becasue we missed each otehr so much, it had to be the right thing to do. He tried to see me over that month but I refused, saying it wouldn;t be right. I also said I didn't want to see him unless we were both unmarried. That was the only way it would feel right. <P>So 3 weeks later, I finally told my husband I wanted to move out, I said was not physically attracted to him, that I did not want to be married anymore, that we had nothing in common. He was so confused. Of course, I lied to my H and said I didn't think I would be with my affair partner - I was "doing it for me." He left for work very sad and very depressed. I called my lover that very morning (a Saturday) and told him what I did. I told him I was looking for an apartment. He said "I feel nauseous. I feel sick" and then said "this is what you wanted, right?" and I said "Yes, I do." I thought I was strong, that I didn't need him. But I sensed that he would back away out of fear (he often worked hard at "getting me back" and once he did, would stop professing his love for me and start talking more about how he may be hurting his kids and how his wife was married once before and how hurt she will be by being divorced again). He repeated that he felt ill (really, he had to get off the phone becasue he was in his yard and his wife was milling about near him). He asked if he could call me later and I said no, I needed to think. That was the best decision i ever made.<P>I hung up thinking I would leave my husband as well as my lover. Then this strange wave came over me that night after a day spent thinking. I never really gave recovery a chance because I kept letting my lover back in from time to time. I knew I'd regret this. I also knew my husband was/is a wonderful person but that it is hard to see with someone else blinding me. I also looked back at photos and remembered all the amazing times we had before I had an affair. I realized i was taking the weak way out, and in the process, destroying the love that I cherished for so many years before. Not to mention, my actions would be destroying someone else's family. So I had a real heart to heart with my H and told him that I had spoken to my lover and that I had slipped up over the past mnth and a half. Remarkably, he understood. I asked him )before, it was always him asking me) to take me back so we could try. He said yes. And we had a great night talking and crying. I felt such love for him then.<P>My lover called me at work on monday to hare a story about how he admitted our affair to an ex coworker. He was excited talking about it, and I stopped him in his tracks. I said I didn't want to hear it, I wanted him to just understand that it has to end. More than before. I told him about my dicussion with my H and said I have to end things for good. He cried and we hung up. He called back and asked me to say I love him again. I suspected he was recording me (he did that in the past because he loved my voice) and refused. I told him he needed to move on. There was no activity for a week and then he sent an email. I ignored it. Then another. I ignored it. Then I heard his company was being sold to another comapny and that he would lose his job. Theere was also a story in the paper abotu how he may have stolen someone else's idea, and he got caught doing it. I felt sorry for him. So I wrote and told him to hang in there m(so much for him to deal with at once). He wrote back but I did not respond. This was dumb of me becasue I should have known I'd never be able to help him. Then he called me on my birthday, sent 2 dozen roses to my office, and sent a card with love poems. I ignored them. More emails came every few days which I ignored. All the while I told my husband about every time my lover tried to contact me. This was mid-June by now. <P>Finally my lover showed up at my office (2 hours away by plane from his town). He said we needed to talk. I reluctantly agreed to talk to him and told him he must forget me. I did not let him try to suck me back in. I was firm and strong. He said "but what about all the promises we made? All the things we said were so real" and I said "they were real feelings that existed in an unreal world of an affair" and that I did not want him in my life and that I wanted to work on things with my husband. He reiterated that his life with his wife was bad and beyond improvement but that he'd be alright. I wished him luck and he told me to cal him if I ever got divorced. <P>Seeing him, even if it was just to end things totally, was a mistake because prior to that, i was not depressed. After this, I became depressed for some reason. Like Dr Harley says, it set my progress back to day one of withdrawl. But at last I got through to him and he agreed to leave me alone. I became so depressed by this that I called him and asked him why he is so selfish to have forced his way back into my life like that. He said he needed to do it to close the door or put the lid on the coffin. He continued to say "now I know how much my wife loves me, she knows I saw you and she is understanding. Now I know why I married her" and "I told one of my friends about this and he read me the riot act. I never knew how risky this was before" and it made me feel so bad. I felt bad because he never listened to me when I encouraged him to work on his marriage and to be honest, and I felt bad that he was acting high and mighty after begging me to see him and even saying for me to call him if I ever got divorced. I hate that I called him to ask why he showed up at my office and that is what is making me the maddest. I have done so much to work with my husband at that point and then I let him walk right back in to make HIMSELF feel better. All it did was set my recovery back. I also hate that he acted high and mighty about his relationship. But this was our last conversation.<P>I do not know why I wrote all this out. God forbid he finds this website and looks at this. He will know. But I cannot seem to forget my stupid mistakes and I feel so stupid that I was with someone so selfish. someone who puts himself and making himself feel better before anyone else. Do you see him the same way, or is he just sad becasue he lost me? I have never explained this in such detail to anyone and would love insight to his character, if that is OK to ask. I know mine is flawed as well, but maybe hearing some negative things will make me feel better. because my life is back to normal more or less except I ruminate about the mistakes I made in the end. <P>I guess I jsut needed to tell someone the whole story, and see if anyone has any opinions on this situation. To date (since June 26) there has been no communication between us. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>Recovered,<P>Please listen to the advice you are getting. A few months ago a lady who posts here, SKM, posted a chronological listing of her changes as she recovered from here affair. It was shorter in duration than yours, but I think you may benefit from reading it. Simply click on bookmark labeled SKM's chronicles. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002290.html" TARGET=_blank>SKM's chronicles </A><P>It would seem that you are doing very well for only 4 months of recovery. There will be ups and downs and some of them will depend on the evolution of the affair. For example, did you confess the affair or did your H find out about it? How long after the affair was known to your H did you finally realize that contact ceased? All of these questions have a baring on how fast you will recover and how fast your H will feel.<P>I would not be surprised that as recovery continues that you will see some anger from your H and even pulling away for awhile. Just keep doing what you are doing.<P>As for the forgetting, Harley suggests that you will never completely forget and there will always be a "weak spot" in your heart for the OM. Hence his strong suggestion that "no contact" be maintained for the rest of your life. I am sure you realize that if your OM has lied easily and has indeed had other affairs, that his pain with your breaking it off is very likely temporary. Sadly, he will probably find someone else unless he and his wife are in recovery also.<P>Keep posting and asking questions there are many here who can help you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>