For me it has been 8 months since D-day. My wife and I are doing pretty good on the surface. I don't bring up her affair. But each time she says someone is dumb or stupid or criticizes something I think "well what about what you did?" I find every hour of the day there is some time spent thinking about my wife's affair. I think I have gone two hours without thinking about it, which happened when I was teaching a class and another time at a meeting at work. But idle time is a killer, the images then fill my head. So my question is:<P>1. How long has it been?<BR>2. What is the maximum length of time you didn't think about it?<BR>3. How long after it happened, did you decided to not bug your partner about it?

Altho I'm D Rodger, I'm gonna participate. Hope that's okay.<P>Answers:<P>1. Since D-Day, 2 years, 2 mos<BR>2. 5 hours max.<BR>3. 3 mos after D-Day <P>Jo

Rodger-<P>Does sleeping count? Thought not! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>I guess I could say:<BR>1. 9 months<BR>2. 15 minutes---maybe longer if I am reading<BR>3. 7 months-----no bugging him anymore.<P>I stopped bugging him when I decided to let him go. That decision lifted a great burden off of both of us! He comes home more often, and things are definitely improving!<P>Krystal

2 years 9 months<BR>Not sure. I remember at 11 months I was thrilled when I didn't think of it during an hour Christmas program. Now I know I think about it daily, maybe hourly, but it does not have the same stabbing pain. It is more just part of the fabric of my life, rather than the central focus. I do not filter ALL my thought through the affair, but it still affects me today.<BR>Almost immediately. He would not talk about it, so it became a taboo subject. I mentioned we were lucky to make it to our anniversary at 9 months after D-day. Another conversation (mostly one sided) 12 months after d-day, then not again until 2+ years. Ironically when we were rearranging our bedroom, he found my SAA book under the bed and apologized again.

1. How long has it been? <P>7 Months<P>2. What is the maximum length of time you didn't think about it?<P>I think about it every day, usually during times when I am not occupied by something else. Still have trouble concentrating at work. I think that the longest period of time between thoughts might be 6 hours. <P>It is so odd because I have moved beyond the affairs in so many ways. I’ve forgiven him. Our marriage/relationship is wonderful. It’s not perfect of course, no relationship is. But it’s definitely a good, solid marriage. <P>Though I think about the affairs often I usually do not feel the pain and confusion they cause for me. There is usually a trigger that brings those back…. Like his ex-wife (rule of protection, POJA), there have been some posts here on MB, if I feel overwhelmed (EN – domestic and family support) or if we do not spend enough time together (rule of time, affection, conversation, recreational companionship). At these times it becomes obvious that the thoughts and pain are still with me… like they live in my subconscious and refuse to go away.<P>I did go through a period at about 4-5 months were it seemed that the thoughts had gone away. But as life’s stresses have mounted and we are finding it harder to spend time together, I am more haunted by the affairs. <P>I hope and pray that some day soon the thoughts/pain/confusion will go away and never return.<P><BR>3. How long after it happened, did you decided to not bug your partner about it?<P>I was terrible at first. The affairs were just about the only thing I could talk about for 3.5 months. And STL was loving and kind enough to hear me out and answer my questions. Since then I’ve seldom felt the need talk to him about it. I stopped when I could no longer think of anything more to say or ask. <P>In the last couple of months I’ve mentioned them a couple of times.<P>Z

Dear Rodger,<P>It`s been 14 months since D-Day but 4 1/2 years since my H`s actual onenight stand.<P>I can go about eight hours without thinking about it but that`s only twice a week while I am at work. Other than that it`s at least every hour.<P>As for no longer discussing it, it`s been about two months. There is no point in discussing it anymore, we get nowhere. There are still alot of unanswered questions. Dr. Phil say you will want to talk about it until you are sure that you have been fully heard. I know I have not but am tired of emotional scenes. I am not healing but my H is happy with the status quo.

Hi there Rodger,<P>Good question. My answer is that I have thought about my affair with a married man every single day of my son's natural born life. I had a baby by a married man. My son is grown now, but I truly do not believe one day has gone by in almost 20 years where I have not thought about it or been reminded of it in some form or fashion. Can you believe that?<P>Something comes up in the news, friends talk bad about others who are messing up, children being born out of wedlock constantly these days, just everything reminds me of my choice to keep and raise my son... Every time I look at him and realize how much I love him, how handsome he is and how wanted he is, how sorry I am for the pain I created in his life to have been raised in his formative years with no dad, just everything. When I help him with his college papers for classes where his history needs to be discussed... The list goes on...<P>So to answer your question, every single day since the dang affair happened, which was only a shortlived PA in 1981... When a child is in the picture, you can never escape the reality of the affair. Never...<P>Fortunately, my husband has NEVER bugged me about my past. I think his philosophy tends to be the less he knows, the better. He's the greatest and has been a tremendous, godly influence on my son.<P>This, to me, is how God shows His love and forgiveness for me in spite of me. God has been awesome to me. I'm amazed. I'm more amazed at God's restoration in my life, than devastated by my mistakes. Does that make sense?<P>Well thanks for asking and I pray that God gives you the strength to keep forgiving your W as often as it takes. Try not to allow bitterness to settle in your heart. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It's so dangerous!<P>A long time ago, someone on the forum said that affairs NEVER go away, they are only a thought away. How true, how true. Just keep forgiving her. Love ya!

2yrs today<BR>Every hour<BR>1 year<BR>I wish I could forget

1. Almost 1 year<BR>2. About every 15 minutes (except when really busy when I can go max of 2 hours)<BR>3. After about 4 months (First time she committed to staying. She had relapse of EA in August but I've only bugged her once about that.)

1. Over 3 years<BR>2. At least once every waking hour. There are just too many triggers.<BR>3. We still, on occasion, discuss it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rodger:<BR><STRONG><P>1. How long has it been?<BR>2. What is the maximum length of time you didn't think about it?<BR>3. How long after it happened, did you decided to not bug your partner about it?</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>1. 2 and a half years<BR>2. Maybe 24 hours<BR>3. 3 months, we really never talked about it much even at first. Once she went away for good, there was no more discussion.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rodger:<BR><STRONG>1. How long has it been?<BR>2. What is the maximum length of time you didn't think about it?<BR>3. How long after it happened, did you decided to not bug your partner about it?</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>1. Four months<BR>2. I think about it, at least for a brief moment, at least once every hour.<BR>3. 2-3 months, probably. This is real important. Didn't make much progress those first 2-3 months.

Hmmm, so another trigger to think about the A? Well, I can't seem to forget. Every time I say "I love you" and she doesn't respond, it is a reminder. I'll see her picture up on my office wall, it is a reminder. Every time she is out working or socializing with her students (OM was a student), it is a reminder that she would rather find happiness in others than work on it with the man at home. Geesh, am I negative this week or what? I think I need some ice cream [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>1. Its been 6-1/2 months (seems like longer)<BR>2. A couple of hours if I'm really into some work project or busy with the kids.<BR>3. I didn't really bring up the affair any within a week of D-day except when I found out that she was maintaining telephone contact with OM. I suppose I haven't really mentioned the A in about 4 months. Now it is all about us.<BR>SG

I have had a couple good days lately but this post is discouraging to know that the BS who are longer term are still thinking about it so often. I guess all I can do is be optimistic and hope that somehow I can be different?<P>1. 9 months since D day (12 months since PA ended)<P>2. At around 4 month mark I went one whole day! But that was when I was really busy. Up until the last couple days, I would think about it at least once an hour. Past couple of days went 3-4 hours.<P>3. After 3 months discussion has been minimal. But it still comes up at least 3 times per month.