Well, my W informed me tonight that she filed. All I said was OK. We sat around all night talking and watching the World Series and just before she went to bed she tells me this, kind of matter-of-factly. I had a feeling, she was being so nice and talkative.<p>I'm sure OM is still very much in the picture. I'm sure her grounds will be irreconcilable differences. I'm just going to gather everything I know about her relationship with OM and decide on a lawyer. I'll probably follow Steve Harley's advice and counter file on the grounds of adultery and mental cruelty, but I'll take my time responding. I don't have proof that they were sleeping together, but I've got a year long history of cellphone records, voice mails I've heard, phone conversations I've recorded (but I can't use), secret meetings, time spent in a hotel in Florida, etc. I'll let a judge decide.<p>There are probably those of you who thinks that's a mistake, but I need her to face what she's done. It's the only way I can see anything changing. I don't want to drag her through the mud, but if she wants the D, I want the real reason to be known. Also, it may help me in custody proceedings. It shouldn't, but it depends on the judge. I just can't let her walk out of this marriage smelling like a rose. Maybe I'm being vindictive, but it's time for her to see the consequences of her actions. I never wanted this. I still don't.<p>sad dad<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

wow, sd. I'm sorry. I guess you've seen my post by now... maybe not. but thanks for thinking of me and asking about me.<p>I think your plan sounds good. I hae been through many emotions... up and down... still up and down... anger, revenge, apathy, relief, on and on and on..... I wanted to just make it quick and easy and painless. Then I wanted to make it hard on him and contest it and hold him accountable for the A. Im glad you've got Steve's advice on this.<p>Keep us posted. I guess we're sorta in the same boat... simlar anyway. I'm so thankful we don't have kids in the middle of this. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. <p>Sorry about your news. But hang in there. You'll make it. And we're all here to help.<p>Faith1

Faith,<p>I did read your post and understand how you're feeling. I'm not sure how I feel. Sorta numb, but strangely relieved. Things will probably get ugly, but I think that will have to happen if anything is going to change. I have nothing to lose at this point. I'm going to bed. Thanks.<p>sad dad

sad - you are a man of strength - she cannot take that from you. Keep holding your head high - if it ends this way, you'll exit with no guilt, prepared for the rest of your life.<p>What was Steve's logic for counter filing?

WAT,<p>I think Steve's logic is to make her face what she's done in the light of day. It probably won't hurt my custody chances. Also, it could buy me some time. I'll have to get a more specific answer from him next time I talk to him.<p>sad dad<p>[ November 05, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I don't understand though, what do you get out of counter filing? Mental cruelty? Do you have young children?

SD,
Good Morning. How are you today?<p>I understand the numbness. I'm not sure if you remember, but when I posted right after H gave me the papers, that's the feeling I had at that point. I had guilt that I had done something to cause it, and numbness, and some sort of relief as well. <p>WAT is right. You are very strong. You've made an excellent effort at trying to save your marriage. Feel proud at what you've done, and what you're trying to do. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep us posted. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

SD- I feel for you! I cant say that I"m surprised though due to the way you've been describing her behavior lately. You can bet that OM is really fueling the fire for her to divorce you and be with him. She probably has a huge fantasy built up in her head about how great that will be- I know my H did- he thought OW was the end all and be all and is only NOW re-thinking his views on her character and behaviors. This is yet another reason I suggest you contest the divorce- to allow time to pass that may possibly help your situation by allowing more time for OM to LB and your wife's fantasy life to diminish. I know in Canada there is a one year waiting period after filing before divorce can be started and I think that would be great if they had that in the USA too. By all means make sure you have an excellent attorney- I found a great one thru a lawyer at my church who checking into it for me. Take care- lifeismessy

Sad dad, I feel for you. I have been covering up my H's A since 1998.I have been protecting him. When he moved out first time I covered up this action from his family who live neaby. We even had a pending divorce going on which was stopped and he returned home. On his second relapse I covered for him again. My inlaws never really knew what he was up to. Now this third time I am ready to tell all. People at his work don't even know. If all this is so great for him and he wants a D then let the whole world know. <p>I have a Question about that mental cruelty and adultry. Does anyone know if that is possible? I live in a no fault state
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] My H has caused me so much emotional distress and our two daughters that I was wondering about some kind of emotional abuse action. I see my lawyer again in a few days, I will have to ask.

painforever,
First, I need to confirm that the A is still ongoing. I think what I can get out of counter filing is time, time to see if the A can last once completely out in the open. A lawyer I spoke to said that all the lies and deception I've been subjected are grounds for mental cruelty. I may not go this route, but am leaning that way. We have a 3 yr old daughter and custody is an issue.<p>faith,
Thanks again for being there and for the kind words.<p>lim,
I think you're right on the money. I'll find out soon enough. It took her 6 months to finally file. Let's see if she has the stomach to follow through.<p>bbb,
My state is not a "no fault" state. Please see my reply to "painforever".<p>[ November 05, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

<p>[ November 11, 2001: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

faith1,<p>It's good to see you can keep your sense of humor.
Sometimes we need that to keep us sane.<p>I really didn't want to go home tonight, but I did. I kinda just tried to avoid her. I was afraid I might say something I'll regret.<p>I've talked to a few friends and my sister today. Some say go ahead and counter file and some say what's the point. I'm still weighing that decision. I've got to talk to Steve and find out what the pros and cons are. My situation is different than your's in that she never admitted anything. I can't help but think that once it's out in the open it will be harder for them to maintain the A. Her parent's will be very upset. They are the most family oriented people I've ever known. This goes against everything they brought her up to believe in. I think that's why she has been so adament about denying it. I have a some time before I have to make a decision. I'm going to make her wonder for a while before I respond. <p>sad dad

<p>[ November 06, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

I've been weighing whether I should counter file or not. There are risks and it will be a huge LB.
First though, I need to confirm OM is still in the picture. I should find out soon. I won't go into details.<p>Assuming they are still involved, if I counter file she'll have two choices:<p>1. confess<p>2. face everything I know in court, and risk the embarassment, humiliation, etc. I would like to avoid this if at all possible. The choice will be hers.<p>Which is the lesser of two evils? The way I see it, and I think the logic behind Steve Harley's reasoning, is that once she has to face the truth in the light of day, it will be harder to maintain the relationship with the OM. Also, it may buy me some much needed time. I realize this may push her past the point of no return, but she's already filed so what do I have to lose?
I'm sure I'll bounce back and forth with this decision for a while.<p>sad dad

She filed but you have not been served yet. If she did, counter it ... for A to die it has to be in the open. It will buy you time, un-contested and irrecon. will go fast. It is no LB if you could explain it to W that you need this to "move on" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... hey, we could talk fogese too. It is better one LB than loosing you advantage.<p>Get a good PI if you need to, you might need it for your case ...

What a minute, she filed but is still living at home? Do you want her to see the real light? <p>How is she going to see anything if you allow her to have her cake and eat it to? I mean, if this D thing is her best move, then she best move. <p>H talked the D stuff on his way out the door and for about 4 months after. I finally said ok after the 4th month. Then he got cold feet (ow got a hot temper) and so he left OW and tried to come home. H said that as long as I enabled him he would have stayed in that position forever. Hm...... so I said, ok now you get the part I was enabling you on. I guess he couldn't figure it out on his own, so I gave him more of his responsibility and that is when he found out the calculator in his brain was broken. Somehow he kept thinking that as long as he handed me a check all his bills were covered. It didn't matter to him that the check was less than 1/2 of what he owed. Go figure!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>JMHO,
L.

redhat,
I agree with your thinking. The A has to be exposed before it will die. If the OM is Mr. Wonderful, the love of her life or whatever she's thinking, why hide it? I told her months ago I will fight her for custody of our daughter. I think she's scared that any admission could be used against her in custody proceedings. It shouldn't matter, but I know I wouldn't want to take that risk. As far as LB'ing, you're right again. This is really something I need to do for "closure", not to hurt or humiliate her. If she takes my need to know the truth as an LB, there's nothing I can do about that. I would rather expose the A and get the truth than avoid an LB.<p>Orchid,
I understand where you're coming from, but I can't make her leave. I asked her to leave a couple of times, but because she would never admit to anything and because of possible custody implications, she wouldn't. I can't say I blame her. As much as I've wanted to, I couldn't leave either because it would hurt my custody chances. I suggested about 6 weeks ago that we sell the house, agree to share custody 50/50 and try a separation. My reasoning was we could face all the same issues we would face if we got divorced (emotional and financial realities, life without each other and the affect this would have on our daughter), while easily being able to reconcile if we chose to. It was a fair compromise and would protect both of us in regard to future custody issues. She wouldn't agree to it. If OM was no longer in picture, I can't see why she wouldn't. We'd have nothing to lose. <p>Two weeks ago, she wanted to have a "friendly" sit down and go through the details of the D. I refused saying that I wouldn't make any decisions without consulting a lawyer. She was willing to agree to permanent 50/50 shared custody. I thought it was odd that she was willing to make such a concession. As a woman, her chances of custody are much better than mine. Also, 50/50 shared custody is not in our daughter's best interest. Children need stability and a place to call home. It just show's how desperate she is to avoid going to court.<p>sad dad

sad - as usual, your logic is air tight, IMHO.<p>You have probably read here before that courts, at least in the U.S., usually don't care about past immoral behavior of parents in custody battles. Sad but true. But you certainly shouldn't "help" your wife with this knowledge. Let her sweat.<p>My real reason for replying: Of course, NONE of this is in your daughter's best interest. Even if/when the A hits the light of day, your W may not be able to see this reality. She is not yet able to look in the mirror. <p>My wife is the same. She finally admits to adultery on a "legal technicality" - traveled out of town with OM and spent the night in the same hotel room (of course, nothing happened and if I and OM's wife hadn't raised the roof over this "innocent" incident, everything would have been OK). But she still rationalizes her behavior and takes me to task for sending my son to school with a wrinkled shirt and without brushing his teeth.
You should expect the same hypocrisy regardless of what "comes to light."<p>[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

sad dad,
You are doing fine so far. Tell W since she filed w/o talking then "you have to do what you have to do" (fogese talk, use it against them [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , they will not see it as LB, reverse psych.). If W want to talk then stop the D otherwise W could talk to atty. Painted it as "this is not a demand but a reaction to what she does" (fogesee reasoning ... I have an A because ...). [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I do not think she is scared of court proceeding otherwise W will not file, she could win coustody easily w/ good laywer. She might be pressed by OM or she might afraid of loosing $$$$. Does she have a mean to support herself or how much lower standard of living is she going to be if D happens ?. My W stop short on this, my W did not like the picture of if contested D happens. Even she get 100% physical custody and spousal support. She also stay home ... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] come back 3 days after D-day ... said "I live here too !!!!" [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] . I am buying time to let A dies naturally.<p>Anyway, unless you are served in your hand it is not yet started ... check w/ legal advisor you need it. Stalled it time is on your side ... if there is A it will surface (get PI), more than 50% she has OM and OM is presurring.<p>You could start a thread to shared idea "how to snoop/sleuth" meanwhile here is my favorite link ... 50 signs your spouse is having an affair:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html<p>
My W talked about D on cell and I am 100% sure OM is listening and she did it intentionally !!!. I am digging my heal and stay on my tranches and let OM [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] about W.<p>Patience, Perseverance & Resilient should be BS motto.

WAT<p>You wrote:
"You have probably read here before that courts, at least in the U.S., usually don't care about past immoral behavior of parents in custody battles. Sad but true. But you certainly shouldn't "help" your wife with this knowledge. Let her sweat."<p>That's exactly what I want. Let her sweat it out. My chances of custody are as good as any father's, regardless of her A.<p>I realize that exposing the A may not make a difference or help her see the reality of what she's done, but it will give me peace of mind and I'll be able to look at my little girl and know I did everything I could to keep her family together. She's all that really matters and everything I've put up with has been for her.<p>sad dad