Hi Sorina! Haven't seen you post before. Welcome to the club! Isn't this fun??!!

Hey New Woman! I don't know if fun is the word up till now, I've been lurking for a while, most of what I've read has made me , "The Hiddeous OW" think that I was in the wrong place. But this thread sure helped me. Sometimes I forget just how good I have it now, and find myself thinking of him in that unrealstic way. Got to quit that!

This is weird, so many of the same attributes (although I would rather stay focused on my H and marriage than even think of the Snidely Whiplash OM (blech)<P>He was the jokester that made everyone laugh, always wanted to make others like him, tried very hard to do this to compensate for uh, other areas that were lacking. Self absorbed, moody, not at all attractive, cheap, kind of walked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, whereas my H is very good looking, not moody, always has a smile, nice to everyone, down to earth. It seems to be so much more about the fact that they make us feel good about ourselves (meeting emotional needs), and that's about it. This thread really makes me wonder about myself sometimes. What a trip to see so many others with so many similar circumstances.

Blues,<P>Even though I listed those things about OM, he still have very wonderful qualities and filled all the emotions/needs I was lacking at home.<P>I felt the OM was my soul mate/true love. My husband couldn't do anything right. I critized everything. I felt I married the wrong person. <P>Tamis is right on and it's only been a short time for me.

Sorina,<P>No, I meant isn't this THREAD fun!! Gee whiz, all I need is for people to think I'm having a blast being a former OW. I know what you mean about feeling like "you're in the wrong place," but look how many of us there are. Good people who made some very bad mistakes and very poor choices in life BUT are turning our lives and our marriages around. Isn't that what life's all about? Again, welcome. <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Blues--<BR>Maybe it's that everyone has good and bad qualities. We've been accentuating the good in our OMs for so long that it's time to take the OM off their pedestal. It's time to accept our husbands...good and bad!<P>

YOU GO GIRL!

New Woman, <BR>That's right, let's not loose our head and appear to be having too much fun. Thank you for the welcome. I am only now starting to feel love again for my husband. I've always known that he is a wonderful man. We've had our problems before, but nothing that could justify my cheating on him. In fact, I remember when my affair started, I actually had to convince myself that I was even attracted to OM. (I love Madelyn's name for hers) I guess I was just so needy and wanted someone to want me. It was pretty heady, all that attention. It's been really tough to put that all behind me now. This thread has been great. I don't know who started it, but more of the same, please!<BR>

Sorina,<P>I agree, we do need more threads like this one, and the gratitude journal one (make sure you chime in on that one too). I'm glad you are feeling love for your H again. I know that if my H hadn't done his part (actually he did much more than his part), we wouldn't have healed as well as we have. I am so grateful that he is so forgiving and kind. True, he also cheated, but he has been so wonderful about making the necessary changes for us to redefine our marriage. I love it. I love him. And that love grows stronger everyday. You'll see ........ <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Hummingbird,<BR>You I feel the same way you do about the OM being my soul partner. Even though the OM has some qualities that have been listed on this thread, and although I want to stay with my husband - I can't pull away from the OM. I have fallen hard for him and can't walk away - How is this done - how do you get through withdrawl?? I have tried to focus on his negative qualities - but when push comes to shove I still find myself in his arms and not my husband's!

Sorry I'm late, but I want to play too...<P>Needs a haircut- if you only knew!<P>Sneeky - knew the good parking places for necking way out in the boonies<P>Poor work ethic - pawns off all legit work and plays games on the computer all day<P>Lazy - anything to get out of work! My H is the hardest worker on earth!<P>About 40 pounds overweight - My H is GORGEOUS!<P>Eats WAY too much greasy food - yuk!!<P>Manipulative and controlling - His W doesn't even have a drivers license. He has to drive her everywhere!<P>Knobby knees, skinny arms, big belly.<P>Breaks promises all over the place.<P>Drinks too much beer.<P>Whew!! That felt good!!

NB,<P>Yippee!!! Wasn't that refreshing? Gee, I love this. Here's some more:<P>1) He tries to put on an act that he is such a goody-two shoes. We know different, don't we?<P>2) He's very unassertive and lets people walk all over him.<P>3) Did I mention he was 30-40lbs overweight with a pot-belly? <P>4) He told me that long ago his family had a dog that they didn't want anymore, and instead of finding the dog a good home or at least taking him to the shelter, he took the dog to the woods and just turned it loose. Now, that's sick!<P>5) He'd requested a transfer overseas without his wife and children even before he met me. Nice guy!<P>I'm sure I'll think of more later .......<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Got more ....<P>1. He's running from God<BR>2. Has left his kids to pursue his own "pleasures"<BR>3. Very much in debt and doesn't care<BR>4. Dating while still married<BR>5. Likes football (oopps, think I already mentioned that one)<BR>6. Kissed with eyes open (and definitely not as well as my H)<BR>7. Didn't smile alot<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited September 10, 1999).]

Hi Nat,<P>I know your pain and it has been the most difficult thing I've ever endured in my life. Is your OM married? How long has the affair lasted? My OM ended when I finally told him I wanted us. I saw his true colors. It's only been about 5 weeks, sometimes I feel like I'm come so far and then I take a few steps back.<P>You need to break off contact with the OM completely. I work with OM so it's difficult, I've been searching for new job or to be transferred. I am still in withdrawal, and I'm hoping it doesn't last much longer but everyone is right about no contact. <P>It is going to be very difficult but try to focus on your marriage, all the wonderful qualities in your husband and how you felt for him once. <P>I can only speak for myself and fantasyland was a beautiful place but reality hits hard.<P>Try and give your husband a chance, break it off with the OM completely and when you come through the fog I bet you'll see the OM differently.<P>I'll pray for you.

Nat and Hummingbird--<P>I still find it hard not to want to contact the OM...in fact I just called him at work (knowing he'd already left) just to listen to his message on voice mail. Sick, huh! I miss being his friend.

Nat, Hummingbird and Holly,<P>Me too... still hard on some days not to AT LEAST ask him how his life is... I HAVE to see him 5 days a week, so it's tough!<P>BUT it CAN BE DONE. Just today, we had an incident where I COULD HAVE jumped right back in there and played and laughed like we used to... I CAN'T though, so I hide here in my office. <P>WHAT did we do to ourselves? <P>I thought of more too...<P>Left his first wife for his second, although he never actually married the second (the one who can't drive)so she's common-law.<P>Was arrested for picking up a whore/police officer in disguise - oops! <P>Hates cats, I love cats (I love all animals )<P>I'm sure I'll think of more later... HOW REFRESHING AND UPLIFTING!!!! FUN!<P>

Nat, Hummmingbird, Holly,<P>It really is hard but it continues to get better if you just don't have contact. I really "needed my life back" and feel like that is finally happening.<P>Now, let me see, since this ended at the height of the fantasy I am not sure about anything but...<P>I think he is really cheap<BR>He never reads<BR>Doesn't do anything cultural, only interested in football<BR>I think he is lazy, at least I know he is always tired because he has a chronic condition<BR>He is shorter than me<BR>He pursued a married woman, married women should be off limits<BR>He "just wanted to have fun", my relationships are more meaningful than that.<BR>He said one thing and did another<BR>Her never put himself in my shoes or worried about my well-being<BR>Seemed to think a lot of himself<BR>Conflict-avoider<BR>Never wanted to talk about anything.

Hey everybody, I'm way late on this thread, but is it okay if I join in??<P>It's funny reading what you don't like about your OM, cuz alot of those qualities are MINE... <gulp>... Lest we forget, I was an OM for a while.<P>My qualities that the OW probably didn't like:<BR>1 -- I'm not ambitious at all.<BR>2 -- Not the best physical specimen around (okay, I'm a little overweight. I'm working on it!)<BR>3 -- Too concerned with my looks. I blow dry my hair. I buy alot of clothes.<BR>4 -- whiney (at least I was during parts of our relationship when I thought I wasn't getting enough attention! <blech> )...<P>OK, now it's her turn!<BR>1 -- Has a history of promiscuity and infidelity.<BR>2 -- diagnosed bipolar personality disorder.<BR>3 -- total conflict avoider!<BR>4 -- potential for alcholism.<BR>5 -- has absolutely NO head for financial planning, constantly broke.<P>For Nat, Hum, and Pam -- I hear ya! I still think about OW quite a bit, and there are still times when I want to contact her. Luckily those moments aren't as strong as they used to be and I've been able to hold back from the temptation. This is all really hard work!! Even though I can acknoledge her faults in a list like above, I knew that stuff before, and it didn't matter in the least bit. <sigh><P>--andy

Hi everyone,<P>I had to sign off yesterday, first opportunity to catch up.<P>Holly, not sick at all, I've done that too. I was a bit stronger this week because OM was on vacation. He will back on Monday, my hands are getting sweaty and I'm getting nervous just thinking about it.<P>I miss his friendship more than anything else. I know on Monday it's going to be so hard not to ask how his vacation was and what he did. I've been playing different scenarios in my head on how to act, what to say. I know there will be some interaction. I think I'll just say "hi, nice vacation and good". <P>NB - you work with OM too? I've called myself every name in the book and I still can't believe this happened to me. It's really torture.<P>I still haven't thrown everything away, I just can't do it. I put everything in a box and tucked it away out of sight. Hopefully soon I'll be able to.<P>I may need help on Monday and it really helps knowing I have such great support.<P>Thanks.

HB,<P>Yes, you've got support here and you will be okay next week. You will. Think positive! <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.