I have not posted for some time as I have been in Plan B since W moved out in August. I did not get much chance to use Plan A and was not aware of MB at the time when she moved out. When I had discovered the A it had ripped my heart out and had tried evrything to convince her that I wanted to try and overcome the situation, but had probably done some major LB'ing in the process and as most WS, she was deep in the fog and was deep in the A so she could see no resolution but to run from the present situation and move even more strongly towards the OM. My last contact with her was when she moved out and at that time knowing that I could not do anything to stop her decision I tried to leave the door open for her if she wanted to make any contact with me. Not to be afraid and that if she did it would only show me strength snd courage to do so and that I would be there if she wanted to talk. That was 3 and a half months ago. Both of us contine with individual counselling (her suggestion as she did not want to work on us, but wanted to work on her to get her strength)<p>She moved only two blocks away and continues to see the OM as they share time and overnights at each others dwellings. I have had for some time the urge to make some sort of contact with her as I know her personality that she will not make the fist step towards contact herself. She has always been this way with family and friends and will not make the first call if there is any conflict with them. Throughout her entire life she has great difficulty in resolving any conflict that has taken place with family, friends or relationships. She may also be afraid to make contact with me thinking that because I have not spoken to her that I may have animosity against her or that I may be angry and do not want to resolve. She has limited or no contact with family and friends and maybe feeling that what she has done has not been well recieved by those and is just afraid to face me and those others. <p>I have written a letter that I will share with you that I have been holding onto for some time struggling with myself as to wheather or not to send it. Without sending it I keep myself protected from the enormous emotional pain that we all feel when betrayed. Four months ago I thought I would never get to the next day and was trying some way, hoping that the terrible pain would go away. The good days get longer and the bad days get shorter. Counsellor told me that if I was to send it I had to be prepared for the risk of the response. (She knows more as she counsells my W as well). The last time I saw C she asked if I had sent it yet and I had not, but I read it to her and she thought that maybe it was time to send it. (Can never figure C's out. They seem to confuse and challenge you at the same time) Also by sending it and being rejected, it may help push me to the next step of recovery as I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels at this point.<p>I accidently ran into my W on the street corner during the middle of the day. Very unexpected as she would normally be at work, but had taken some days off as she needed to use up some of her holiday time. We stopped for a short 15 minute coffee. Very uncomfortable, but we managed through it without any talk of our relationship and mostly talked about family. She had just come from the counsellors office and felt quite emotional as all of us do after a session. She did not seem to be overly happy. <p>She is also the type of person who struggles with loneliness (which was part of our problem as I own a cottage resort and am away for most of the summer), so even though she may not (MAY NOT) be happy with the OM as reality has taken effect after the initial fantasy, addiction part of the begining of the affair, she will stay with it until something better comes along. OM has two grown kids and a new grandchild although he is in his early 40's. There was also stress in our relationship as we have been trying to have our own children for about three years without success and were working with a fertility clinic right up until the A. This is the only place where I see their relationship failing. Also they are both cheaters so at some time you would think that the crackks in the wall will begin to expose themselves? <p>Your advice in weather I should sent it and the content of it would be of great help!!<p>--------------------------------------------------<p>Dear W<p>Hi! I hope this letter finds you safe & secure.<p>I feel I needed to make some sort of contact with you.<p>The past few months have been trying and emotional as I'm sure it has for you as well. I have come to many realizations over this time, some based on what I am learning and some on pure soul searching.<p>The first step was to become aware of the things I was doing wrong in the relationship and the second step was the choice to do something about changing those things. I have continued with the counselling on a regular basis for the past 4 months and am happy to be advacing on my own personal growth in becoming a much better person. It seems as though I was fighting everything all the time and was causing my own unhappiness and the only person I can change is me.<p>I needed to be more accepting to make myself feel better and that the happiness really could be very simple. I needed to look at all the positive and provide encouragement. I needed to be a better listener and eliminate the distractions and give my undivided attention. I needed to validate the feelings that were being expressed and then communicate with support and respect. Change can be difficult at times, but the rewards are far outweighing the struggles.<p>I understand that I was doing a poor job of meeting your emotional needs which are so vital to the success of a marriage. I had always made a commitment to my wife, but I forgot to make a commitment to my relationship, for which I am truley sorry. The time and energy that we put into our lives for other things, I needed to put that into my commitment to my marriage on a regular basis.<p>I had that drive to create some financial freedom for ou future (But at what cost?). I certainly didn't want our relationship to pay the price that it has. The work is certainly not worth anything that keeps us apart. The priority needed to be placed on the relationship. I screwed up and apologize from the bottom of my heart.<p>I wanted to let you know that my feelings have not changed in regards to us, just to reassure you that I am still here, as you had expressed to me that you might be afraid to want to talk or to make that call, for you may not be sure how I feel.<p>I understand the overwhelmingness of the situation that you felt you were in, and how hard it was living under those circumstances.<p>I am here to be supportive and respectful. I hope for an opportunity to really re-connect and form a close bond with a renewed commitment to our relationship.<p>I love you.
H <p>
Thanks for listening.<p>I have read many of your stories and find this site as a great means of support. I hope the best for all of you who are struggling through the different stages of INFIDELITY.

I do not see you as in plan B at all, you never in plan A therefore never in plan B.<p>If you have not educate yourself here are some great link ...<p>General Welcome for All New Builders
Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes
Plan A misapplication by Distress
WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses <p>As as letter, you might want to check out WAT's letter letter from WAT's to wife ... you might want to use it but warning that do not expect anything out of it. She is still in the fog.<p>If I were you, learn about LB & Plan A, increase contact w/ WS. You plan A just started ....<p>Good luck

I agree with redhat, in that you aren't in plan B, b/c you haven't done a plan A ... YET? IMO, there's no time like the present! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I think that your letter, as wonderful as it is, might be too 'heavy' to send your W right now. Have you thought about wooing her a bit first? Maybe sending some of her favourite flowers and some cards with funny jokes on them. And then sending an invitation for a light lunch or dinner? or just coffee? (one that's planned... grin).<p>IMO, whatever contact you do initiate with her right now, it is vitally important that you stay away from talking of your M and your relationship. You've had a LOT of time apart from each other. You need to get to know each other more again first.<p>Let us know what you decide to do.<p>Karen

Thank you for your responses. <p>From D-Day to the time she moved out, I had tried continually to show my support for my commitment to repairing the damages and working on our relationship although I had probably done some LB'ing as well b/c the more I tried the farther I seemed to push her away. During those two months I had beat myself up and was putting all the blame on myself and it began to take its own emotional and physical toll. Strong anxiety and great difficulty in eating properly. I lost alot of weight which I could not afford to lose as it was. From the advice of family and friends I had to start looking after myself. I needed to make myself strong before I could be strong for her. I thought the letter would then be the beginning of a Plan A to show the commitment I still have for our M and the changes that I have made to re-connect our relationship. <p>I guess I'm afraid of her reaction to the letter in pushing her away as I feel that every chance may be the last if it is not received well.<p>After I ran into her the other day and at the end of our visit her departing words were "I will wait to hear from you" as I had told her I had wrote her a letter and would send it soon, which gave me some hope that she was interested in hearing from me.<p>I feel that every move on my part has to be so careful. It's the fear of taking that risk.

Hi, <p>Yes it does appear scary to move from plan A to plan B. Here is some help:<p>Plan A 101 - 2nd edition writeup:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html <p>
Plan B 101 - 2nd edition writeup:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html <p>
Try reading up on this. Plan B is not that hard, it just feel that way. <p>Take Care,
L.

hfac,
You could send it since you told her already and look very good except remove the last sentence
I hope for an opportunity to really re-connect and form a close bond with a renewed commitment to our relationship. since you do not want to push it at this point. However keep in mind that that letter is your statement for you to start your plan A !, frame it and read it every time you want to LB. It is not for her and it won't win your wife back.<p>Again learn plan A & LB ... send the letter and try to remember what make her fall in love with you in the first place ... be that person again ... try to remember what she really hates and drove her to OM ... stay away from that person.<p>Let us know the progress and good luck

Orchid<p>I have actually had no contact with my W for the last 3 1/2 months until I ran into her on the street the other day, so this is actually a move to START Plan A.

Hi HFAC,<p>Here's an additional thought. Plan A you can basically do without notifying anyone. However, plan B does require planning. Notification and execution. So no contact with 3 1/2 months happened, were things explained to your W before you did this? <p>L.

Orchid<p>My last contact with her was by telephone and I told her that I would not stand in her way or do anything crazy or harmful during her move. I reassured her that she did not need to be afraid as that is not the type of person I am.<p>I also promised her that I would not try and find out her Phone number or where she had moved to and that she could tell me those things when she felt comfortable. I reassured her that I would not turn my back on her and that I would be here when she felt comfortable to talk. I told her not to be afraid that it would show embarrasment or regretful in what had transpired, but that it would show me strength and courage to make that call. <p>She had indicated to me some time ago that she may be afraid to make that call. One of the huge stumbling blocks for a WS would be facing family and friends again especially in this case as I have more contact with her family than she does. I know they are disappointed in her.<p>The reason why I feel that I need to make the first contact is that in all her past relationships with men, family or friends, she has never been the one to make the first move when conflict has risen. I feel like I need to let her know that I am still here for our M as she may not know where my heart lies after 3 1/2 months of no contact.

<strong>...in all her past relationships with men, family or friends, she has never been the one to make the first move when conflict has risen. I feel like I need to let her know that I am still here for our M as she may not know where my heart lies after 3 1/2 months of no contact.</strong>[/QUOTE]<p>Hello, Hoping...
I think I might help shed some light on this dilemma for you.<p>As I read your description above of your WW, I saw my WH!! They are twins separated at birth, I bet. He would NEVER make the first move, either, so I knew we had a big problem. Too much guilt, remorse, conflict avoidance personality - all of the above.<p>See, when my WH left, I came home to find a note on the TV telling me he had filed for div., didn't want to be M anymore, and to direct all correspondence to his atty. I had NO idea we had such problems! But even if any of it were true, he certainly couldn't discuss it with me cause he doesn't "do" confrontational talks well.<p>Eventually, I found out he had moved in w/OW that very day. For 3 long months I had zero contact. During that time I found this place. I read everything, posted a little, and learned a lot. I thought we were in Plan B, since we had NO contact. But we weren't. We weren't in any plan, since I didn't realize I could Plan A from a distance. So once I figured that out, I started doing that! <p>I write him letters, send cards - only once in about every 10 days or so. The first one was the hardest. It didn't say anything, really. Just sorta, 'Hi, just wanted to say hello, and catch up on things...."<p>See, we had just moved into a new house we renovated for 5 months, and then 2 weeks later, he moved OUT. So I caught him up on the things around the house I had finished, complemented him on all the hard work I appreciated now that I was living in the house. Just told him about my vacation (alone - but didn't point that part out) working on the house, and stuff like that. NOTHING about "us." This is what others are advising you. Stay AWAY from "relationship" talks. Your W is not ready to go "there" yet. <p>I hope this helps some in pointing you in the right direction. Granted we're NOWHERE yet, but at least we (I?) opened the door of communication between us, which, as you say, my WS would NOT have been able to do.<p>Lupo