Hi everyone- <p>Yesterday was an awful day for me. It is funny, I was okay on Thanksgiving, but it all sank in yesterday. I cried the whole day. I ended up calling H at work. It started off bad because OW answered the phone (co-worker). So, as you can guess, most of the conversation was bad and I LB'd tons. I was pretty out of control- he hung up- I called back a few times. He was so angry that I called him at work to, "verbally slam him." That was definitely not my intent.<p>I sent him an e-mail apologizing- and he was so mad. It seems as if this is all my fault- the whole A. Anyway, now what do I do. I am thinking about going back to Plan A. My friends/family think he should contact me the next time, but I somehow think I should Plan A (from a distance- calls, letter writing, etc...) I did ask him to get drinks with me last night, all he said was that, "he didn't think that was a good idea." That wasn't too harsh of a no- so he may be softening a bit. <p>What do you all think I should do? Please help- I want to call him. I want to work on being his friend. Just a month ago we were doing so well....<p>AS <p>Ps- started anti-dep's yesterday. Can't wait for them to kick in!

Dear Advice Seeker,<p>You are in plan B? Hon, you have to stick to what you say or he will walk all over you. Right now that OW is shining big time and you are looking a bit worn. <p>So my dear, go and shine up a bit. Get your nails and hair done. Go to a spa for a mud wrap or aromatherapy treatment/message. Whatever you need to make the outside of you feel good. Pull out those horrible toxins from your body. Work on polishing up and making yourself shine. Then when you are stronger, from a distance - flash - not the nudey kind, the blinking flirting kind but from a distance. Like via a friend who tells your h how good you look. You can keep tabs on him via others. You are still relatively newly weds so it is somewhat expected that you are still getting to know each other. <p>Plan B between you and him, work on bettering yourself inside and out, use others to 'gently' put in a good word for you and keep tabs on him. Don't bother them too much after you send them on this mission just make sure you choose these carefully and that they have a level head. <p>What do you think about those ideas?<p>L.

Hi Orchid,<p>I know you are right- I do not want him to think he can walk all over me. And, I did leave him a voice mail message last night that apologized yet again for calling him at work and to call me when he is ready. <p>But, I am also afraid that he is now left with this horrible impression of me and that maybe I should send him some letters talking about everything but "us". He knows I will be with him only if he cuts all contact with OW- including his getting a new job. As of yet, he has not begun searching for a new job. He said yesterday that he has not had time. <p>I am working on me- losing weight, cute new hairstyle, dressing "trendy". But, it is very unlikely that I will ever run into any of his friends to report to him how good I look. That stinks. He does have to come over eventually (he is going to contact me with a date) to pick up the last of his stuff. I think I am going to be there for that- I do know that is contrary to Plan b though. <p>Well, I am definitely more "in control" today than yesterday. I hope as these meds start to take effect, I will be even better and will stop focusing on him. We will see.

Hi Advice Seeker,<p>You know what you need to do and have started. Remember the consquences if you give him the option to walk all over you. <p>This is now a tug of war between what you want vs what you need to do. I will be gentle with you but remind you to look down the road for the ultimate goal of having your H back home for good. It would be best not to muddle up this goad with shortterm wants. <p>If you had children, this may make more sense. But often we tell our children to stick it out because it will get better soon. (like taking medicine and stuff). So I say the same for you. I did a plan B but not well. It just delayed my H coming home. Yea, I had a good excuse (child, money issues and a psyco OW who kept trying to throw me in jail - or threatened to) but still I could have been firmer on plan B. I surely don't wish that on you..<p>Recognize you will have these bought of depression. The meds will not take it all away just help you cope better. Continue to work on yourself, you just never know how your H will find out how good you are looking..... other experiences even showed the wS looking in the window (I can't remember who that was...) So don't underestimate your efforts. If your H is too thickheaded to see your changes, then you will still benefit since those changes will be good for you as well. <p>Keep posting here. <p>L.

You are so right Orchid. I need to print this thread, so when I am tempted I will realize that my short term gain is not worth messing with the long term goal of bringing my H home. Plus, I am enjoying working on me. I feel good about myself! My clothes are too big! It is a great feeling. I appreciate you taking the time to respond and give me this "pep talk."<p>I know what I need to do- I just need to keep telling myself this and not give into my whims.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good, I am glad. You have now made me smile also.<p>L.

Advice seeker,<p>Orchid knows of what she speaks.<p>Lots of Hugs,<p>OneDay<p>p.s. You've got mail.

seeker, a marriage does not end cause someone lb'd, it ends cause one (or both) parties no longer want to be married. It ends because of who people are, abuse, long term neglect, long term patterns of LB'ing behviour, etc.....not over a phone call by a distraught bs, and despite your H being angry, any rational human being (I assime he is rational) understands why you were upset. It does not help for sure, but it will not be why you divorce (unless that is all you do forever...patterns). You did the right thing, you apologized for inappropriate behaviour, took responsibility, that is a good thing, and balances the lb'ing). Don't agonize over it, look at it as revealing about you, and use it for your own growth, and continue on in the best way you decide, and try to avoid situations where you "lose" it. The most immediate need is to learn to recognize the rage coming, and have methods in mind to counteract it (even to the point of immediately hanging up the phone, and calling back later...hey phones disconnect all the time right, who knows what happened). Or if in person, running to the bathroom, and throwing cold water in your face. Anything to buy a little time to regain balance.

Hi,
I have been in your situation. Have done some major LBing (before I found MB) and thought NOW it's surely over, H absolutely hates me... But no, I just backed off for some weeks, calmed down and H came around again talking about reconciliation?! Like snl said as long as it's not constant, it won't be a reason for D.
I am in plan B too, just over 3 weeks now. It's hard. I am not having difficulties wanting to call H since my love bank is so empty, I can't put up with more rejection and pain.I also tended to get really disturbed if H wasn't at home or wouldn't answer his cellphone.Or a chance that OW could have been at his place or hearing her kids at the background. Don't want to know. I still miss him, the old H anyway!
Just hang in there and take good care of yourself.

Thanks everyone- it has been a really tough weekend. I am beating myself up- ever since I heard his voice I have him in my head. It truly is an addiction- I am going through withdrawal. <p>Against everyone's advice (you can't keep a stubborn woman back) I had decided to Plan A from a distance. I even sent him a letter today. Then I became obsessed with calling him- really embarrassing now that I look at it with a rational mind. He keeps his cell phone off most of the time, but at one point I know it was turned on. I asked him to call me- told him I needed a friend. He never called. <p>I drove by his house (I hate to admit this) tonight and he was not at home. Thus, it is my guess that he is spending the night with OW. <p>Well, you will all be happy to know that I have decided I need to return to Plan B- I need to keep my sanity. He is not being receptive and I am slowly losing my love. Thus, tomorrow is another day... Wish me luck and willpower- I need it!!! Thanks for understanding- I am not normally this loony. Actually, I have always been pretty level-headed. It is amazing what love will do to you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]