I've been able to confirm that my WW is still in contact with OM several months after d-day. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] She even lied about the telephone number I found hidden and asked her about. We weekly sit down to discuss how each of us are meeting our ENs and when I suggest that to help meet my need for Honesty and Openness that I like to know if my W has contact with OM, W says that she doesn't think she could tell me if it happens. She says the A isn't important now anyway.<p>So, is it better just to tell her that I know she has been calling OM or just continue listening to her tell me that she is being honest and open (she told me she hadn't contacted OM)? If I tell her I know, she'll figure out how I found out and that would probably stop any opportunity for me snooping in that manner (not that it probably needs to continue). On the other hand, if she knows what I've learned, will it help her understand how her actions continue to stall recovery and don't follow the MB plans? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Could she be the one case where continued contact won't interfer with recovery?<p>Thanks for any advice. I'll ask Steve the next time I get an appointment as well.<p>HoFS

Tough Questions!<p>I think if your wife is in contact with OM, then she is still in fog - even if she would rather be in recovery. <p>I guess I would not disclose what I know, and I would not obsess about it. I would just keep on plugging along - focusing "on the goal, on the goal, on the goal". Affairs usually die natural deaths.<p>It wouldn't hurt to say "When I know you aren't honest with me - perhaps because you are fearful of my reaction, it hurts my feelings and makes me lose hope for a full recovery. What I really need from you is honesty, and I will try to be that kind of person to not react in a negative way, so that you will continue to be honest with me." <p>I just wouldn't tell her that you know, but that is my opinion - and not sure if it is an "MB Certified response".....<p>Hang in there, you are doing a fine job!
TnT

I think it depends on what your goals are. If you are still working on Plan A, probably not, according to MB. I found out about one phone call that OW made to my H that he didn't tell me about after we got back together. I hit the ceiling. But by then I was past the point of Plan anything. I made it clear that if it happened again he would be out. But while we were separated and I was in Plan A I never pointed out when I knew for a fact that he had lied to me, or his stores didn't match up, and it happened a lot. When we got back together I did tell him that I knew for a fact he lied to me about many things, but didn't get specific or draw out the conversation. I just wanted him to know that I knew. I was always as cryptic as possible about how I did find out things, so as not to ruin my sources, just in case.

I'm in the same situation. Found out last night that W had made a few calls to OM during the last few days, not sure if they actually talked or what. W's been acting real strange the last few days also which is what made me suspicious.<p>For me, I'm just going to sit on it for a while and try and not let it bother me (like that is real easy to do). But, confronting her with it is just going to be a big LB right now and not part of my Plan A. After all, aren't we trying to give WS a non-confrontational and non-judgemental environment to be in, hoping it makes them feel more secure with being honest to us and open up more?<p>I like TnT's idea. I think I am going to say something along the line of "I can't help feel like there is something you want to tell me but are afraid to. I don't like feeling this way, I want you to be comfortable and secure telling me anything without the fear of reprisal or anger from me, that's not what the love I feel for you is all about."

TnT-<p>Yes, tough questions I know. Thanks for the pat on the back. It is hard to judge whether or not one is doing a good job. I thought the A had died. I think she believes she can maintain friendship without falling into any type of A again. I think this makes her more guarded in general.<p>fairydust-
Oh, I'm still in Plan A mode. In fact, my W tells me I'm doing what looks like a great Plan A. She says its just not having any impact on her feelings toward me. I think that contact with OM can interfer with this happening. Thanks for the warning and advice. I will probably have to tell her that I found out about OM telephone number since I told her that I would try to call this strange number I found and find out who answered. She told me to go and let her know what I find out.<p>HoFS

lhs-<p>Sorry to read that you are in a similar situation. I understand about not being judgemental but in my way of thinking, there is no judgement involved. It is fact.<p>She has used 'Clinton' type of language when it comes to honesty. She has said, "I'm being as honest as I can be." Well, that leaves some wiggle room doesn't it.<p>Your idea for what to tell her looks good. I appreciate the advice. I'll reflect on it a little and try not to let it all bother me so much (yeah, not so easy).<p>HoFS

I confirmed the same thing yesterday with my WW. We have been working on it for four months (I had been she had been working on OM). I confronted her with the fact that I knew she was still seeing and talking to OM. She said "You are just being paranoid again!"<p>Well I've got to tell you I have reached the end of my rope. I have absolutely had it with the bullsh!t lies!! I quoted her exact words to him "I miss your kisses and touch". I then told her I cannot take the mental anguish any longer and that I was leaving her and filing for divorce. "You want him...you can have him". and this is no ultimatum. This is the way I feel right now. I am pissed!!!! <p>She cleary saw the light and I watched the heavy FOG that has been cast over her for four months drift away in front of me. <p>She begged me all day to give her another chance please one more chance I'll do anything not to lose you etc. etc.<p>These are the words you pray to hear every day and for some reason when I heard them yesterday I could have cared less. It was like someone lifted a huge weight off of my chest.<p>I'm not saying you should do the same. You will know when it is time as I did, but it seems to have turned things around 180 degrees.<p>I know how you feel...it hurts...hang in there and keep posting.<p>Good Luck.<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: wantwife4life ]</p>