Every night this week, we have went to bed on good terms. After a few minutes, he starts up his whole, "you know this won't work. I will never love you the same way. It's all your fault. Why didn't you just listen to me and do what I said?"
I'm tired of going to sleep crying because I'm a failure. I'm tired of hating myself and having him justify that to me. I'm tired of already being on the brink and instead of any help, I get more pushing. Of course, come morning time and it's all better, at least he can say he loves me, he's just having a hard time. But, I can't say that I'm having a hard time with his a. because that's unreasonable, "I wouldnt if you didn't".
I don't have therapy for another week and I feel like I'm going nuts. For a moment last night I thought I could leave my son behind, thought he would be better off. I have to pour my entire energy into praying, just for the will to live. He knows this and yet he pushes.

I don't lurk as often as I used to, so I don't know your whole story. I can relate, however, to your post. What you have to realize is that HE is the one with the problem right now. He has to justify what his own shortcomings are. Try as hard as you can not to have these conversations with him right before you go to sleep. Try to get in sooner with your therapist. And yes, continue to pour your energy into prayer. Hang in there.

Rainfall<p>I can sense the pain in your post. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.<p>I am having a terrible day and feel similar pain...<p>How can two people who loved each other so much at the beginning of a relationship cause each other so much pain later? It defies understanding. <p>Don't give up...try to remain focused. If you are there...working on your M, then you are not a failure...<p>Please take care...<p>E

Rainefall ~ please please chant this everytime he tells you that YOU are a failure and the responsible party for his mess:<p>His truths do not have to be your truths.<p>In otherwords...as I often tell my squabbling sons...just because he said it doesn't make it true.

Rain-
I had a pretty powerful realisation the other day in therapy which reminds me of your post. I was recounting a painful memory from my childhood; my father left the both of us when I was about 2. From that point on, my mother and I were a team. We did everything together and had fun doing it. <p>When I was about 8, my Mom met my stepfather. The first memory I have of meeting him was when they got home from a date. I woke up and went into the living room and found them kissing passionately by the fireplace. My first reaction? Scream, cry, yell and cry some more. <p>My mothers first reaction to my outburst? To shout at me and tell me to be quiet. Which she did. I was told to go to my room, stop being so silly and be quiet. In other words, my feelings were wrong and I wasn't entitled to them. <p>To this day, my Mom and Step Dad will say that I was a "spoiled brat" that night and shouldn't have reacted that way. It's taken me 24 years to finally realise that I didn't ask for that. I was being blamed for having a natural reaction to what I saw as someone I loved being taken from me. <p>So in therapy the other day, I finally saw the situation for what it was. I didn't ask for it. My feelings were valid. I was made to feel guilty, but I am NOT TO BLAME!<p>Why it took me so long to see this is beyond me. But the relief and release is amazing.<p>You can get there, too, love. Hang in there. <p>love,
venusenvy

Thanks! I am trying haard to fight all the demons that seem to be lurking. The other night he told me he thought the devil's ideas were the right ones and I about died. Where is he going? Last night, no arguement, he just started whimpering. I asked him what was wrong, tried to comfort him, and then when he started running his fingernails (what little he has) down our closet door, I bolted. I went to the couch and stayed until he was asleep. Am I saying the wrong thing? Why can't we ever just go to bed? He started saying he was going to sign us up for Temptation Island 3, because then we could look ridiculous. Why am I trying? I love him and I know he loves me, but how much more can one take?