I am just so confused. My H and I have not seen each other in almost six weeks (since the day he finally confessed about PA). At that time, I told him that I needed to distance from him so that I could move on (this was before I discovered MB forum). After some very angry phone calls on my part, I sent him a Plan B letter.<p>We did not have contact for about a month. However, when Thanksgiving arrived, I caved and contacted him. My depression was getting worse and I had a "need" to contact him. I am now on anti-depressants (why I didn't take my mother's advice and get on them earlier I will never know) and am back in control of my actions. <p>I also decided that I was not ready for Plan B. So, here I am, in Plan A with a H who cannot face me. <p>This week, we have slowly begun to e-mail each other. He is still very short in his responses, but at least they are friendly (sometimes sarcastic- but that is my H). <p> On Monday when I first e-mailed him, I didn't have a plan,was still out of control, and LB'd like crazy. When I asked if he would go to drinks with me to rekindle our friendship, he said no. When he wouldn't agree to that, I got needy. I basically pleaded with him to meet me- to answer questions for "my sake." He still wouldn't/couldn't agree to it. <p>He inititated contact via e-mail Wednesday (regarding non-important business matters) and we went back and forth all day. I stayed away from any "real" issues though. I also didn't ask him to meet me. I did a good job in Plan A.<p>This morning I wrote him a quick message and he replied. I left it at that. But this afternoon I asked him if he would join me for a pint of Guinness in honor of the 'Great Guinness Toast'. (We went to Ireland together in April of this year). His reply was, "Sorry, I told you I can't do that." My reply was, "I am not going to push. If you change your mind, the invitation still stands. Have a nice evening." I was very proud of myself- I am sure he thought I would beg and plead. <p>What gives? Any explanations as to why he cannot face me? How should I approach this? I have thought about just stopping by his house, but then I think he should be the one to inititate contact. Plus, this could be taken as a LB. I just don't know what to do- how long can he avoid seeing me. His behavior is very bizarre.<p>Thanks for your help everyone. I am clueless as to how to approach this, but I am hoping some of you "experts" out there can give me some advice.<p>AS

Yikes. From your description it definately sounds like you are smothering him with your "neediness".<p>It's good you figured this out because now it gives you something to work on about yourself. You need to become more independent and not so "needy" of your H and his presence.<p>Could be many, many reasons why he does not want to see you right now. It sounds like you handled it well in your last email to him.<p>My first advice would be to stop asking him to meet you. When he's ready, he'll ask, and every time you do it right now it seems like he is just hurting you more by "shooting you down". Save yourself the pain.<p>It also sounds like you went to plan B the first time as a "reaction" instead of seriously sitting down and analyzing what are your boundaries and what you need.<p>I did that too, so don't feel bad. For a lot of people, it seems like plan B is a quick way to end the pain, but it doesn't work like that, you have to be ready and so many of us jump the gun too soon!<p>So, if you really are in plan A, then get to it. Work on yourself, the things you need to nmake a better YOU, and stop worrying about him, analyzing what he is doing and taking everything so personally!<p>HbH

Hello adviceseeker,<p>I don't think stopping by his place is a good idea. You made the offer, he said he can't. You handle it well by leaving the offer open. He chose not to. I think doing anything more would be an LB.<p>I think HbH made some good points.<p>My additions are: Re-read about plan A, then master those top 2 ENs; avoid all LBs, including being overly keen (I know it is like walking a darned tight rope!); keep taking those meds; and balance your plan A efforts with focusing on personal healing. When was your last IC appt? Is it time to make another? What about asking your friends out for a drink the next time you are tempted to ask H? Can you take a break this weekend out of town and not contact your H at all, just focus on you?<p>It is late, so my thoughts are not very clear. I'll check back in tomorrow with anything else I might think of.<p>Hugs,

advice seeker,<p> To answer your initial question of "why can&#8217;t he see you", I'd have to guess he is still seeing the OP in some way shape or form. Like I said guess. Good job getting off the needy wagon, it will do wonders for your own self-esteem. I'll stop at that since your situation (only 1-year of marriage) is probably a bit if not quite a bit different than most here. Tell us some more history/background/interaction when you find time, It'll help to lower the assumption factor on what folks read into your story/situation.<p>
Good luck,
HI

I have to agree with the above...I would stop contacting him altogether unless it was for business and I would keep it to business. Ask a girlfriend out, take a class, join a club...start building an outside life.<p>I'm willing to bet that if you don't call him, he will call you. And I agree about not going to his house unexpectedly--ever!--boy, that could open you up for a whole world of hurt.

Thank you all for your replies. Everyday I am working on "me" and getting myself stronger. I do realize I was needy in the beginning- even desperate, but I am in control again, and I have to admit I hated who I had become. <p>The most ironic part of the whole situation is that my independence was what first attracted my H to me in the first place, and I have lost sight of that (a few days after we initially met I left the country to live abroad- I knew nobody). My H wrote me throughout my stay abroad and courted me immediately upon my return to the States. I also think this independence got me in trouble with the marriage though. I was so afraid of losing my independence that in some ways I shut him out (I discovered this in IC). What my IC and I have discovered is that I actually had become very dependent emotionally on my H in the years we were together, and I was trying to push him away to regain my independence.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> It also sounds like you went to plan B the first time as a "reaction" instead of seriously sitting down and analyzing what are your boundaries and what you need <hr></blockquote>

Hurtbyhubby- you could not be more accurate. At that time, I didn't realize I had any other choice in the matter. Also, I don't think H realized there were other options either. We both just assumed that this meant the M was over. In some ways, I still think he believes this. I think he believes he messed up so bad that we can never repair it.<p>OneDay, you are right. It is an LB to be totally "keen." I will not initiate contact today, nor this weekend. Hopefully he will make the next contact. <p>I have an IC appointment next Tuesday. I also have a busy weekend planned; I live in the Washington D.C. area and I am going to visit the latest editions to the National Zoo- a baby elephant and a baby gorilla. I can't wait- especially since the weather is supposed to be so nice (mid 60's). I am staying with a girlfriend in Virginia for the weekend [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The Med's are working wonders- they have helped me to get over my "slump." I am "me" again- not only to my delight, but to eveyone who has contact with me's delight as well! I am usually a very cheerful, uplifting person and I truly do not know who I had become. I have also re-discovered exercise. What a great outlet for stress. It not only helps me relieve tension, but it is helping me to get in shape. My H will be shocked the next time he sees me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hi Infidelity- You are absolutely 100% correct; the OW is a co-worker of my H's and they work in close proximity to each other. They started out as good friends and I encouraged the relationship (wow- makes me want to puke thinking about it). I was a VERY trusting individual. Plus, he hated cheaters and made that very clear. He hates himself right now. <p>You asked for a little background, so I will give you a quick version (sorry to those of you who have already heard it): We dated 5 years prior to marriage. He was a great boyfriend. He is very immature (I love his mother to death, but she did not let her two boys grow up- she lived "for" them) though and is definitely a conflict avoider. We both lived at home until marriage and did not realize the magnitude of living on our own with real responsibilities. We also took on more then we could chew: a new house, two new cars, got married, he got promoted to manager (a position that caused him tremendous stress), I graduated law school and got my first "real" job (took the bar somewhere in between), etc... all in our first year of marriage.<p>Our biggest problem though was that we never had any quality time together. He was a soccer coach and had practice two nights a week. I had a meeting another night a week. Most of the other nights we were with friends and neighbors- never alone. We disconnected. <p>One of the things we discovered about ourselves long before marriage was that we were definitely a couple who fought less when we were together. I knew plenty of couples who fought more when they were together, but not us. We were a really great couple- our qualities complemented each other. We often had people comment on this. We were aware of this, yet in marriage, we just took it for granted that we lived together. We made no effort to see each other. <p>Also, I was a nag. A big nag. We had a brand new house and I was very anal. I could kick myself now, but at least I have learned. <p>Don't worry- I am not blaming myself! He crossed the line and he made a conscious decision to withdraw from me. But, he is an internalizer and instead of telling me his problems he withdrew.<p>Sorry for rambling. I just wanted to give you background.<p>I still do not understand why he "can't" see me. If there are any WS's out there who also went through this, please help me to understnad what is going on in my H's head. <p>Thanks again everyone for your insight. You all are great!