Just curious, does anyone know how long an affair usually lasts

Hi Spiro,<p>I'm thinking that the Harleys say that the typical timespan is 6 months to two years, but of course, each situation is different. The interesting part is that because affairs are designed to be kept secret, once the secret is out, the affair usually begins to unravel. It can't stand the strain. There is little the BS can do during this time besides Plan A and taking care of him/herself and the kids.<p>Surviving an Affair has all this info. It's a must read if you haven't already.<p>Estes

HI Estes,<p> It is really good to hear from you again.<p> That really makes sense what you wrote about affairs ending once they were out in the open.<p> I also wonder what the difference between a fling and an affair? IT seem as if a fling would be a one night stand and an affair is where feelings are involves. Do you agree?<p> I have really learned a lot from your replys in the past.<p> You seem to have a way of getting a point across without being mean. <p> I started posting becasue, I was really confused about a reationship I was in.

This is a new relationship? <p>According to the Harleys, even a ONS, one night stand, is an affair. I think that it is that the betrayal of trust occurred at all, not the length of the betrayal. You might also look for a pattern developing. And remember to count on what people do, not what they say. <p>Hope you are OK.
Estes

New Relationship?? No way!! I want nothing to do with relationships. I am looking forward to being on my own....<p> I have learned a lot from this site, but it also makes me curious about other things regardng affairs.<p> I couldn't imaging being a BS and trying to plan A or B. That must be so difficult. But I guess, if you love someone enough, the effort would be worth it.

Unfortunately, it took my son's situation to lead me to MB and all the books I have read. I think I understand so much more now about the dynamics of infidelity than I ever imagined existed. It is all so very complex and so incredibly painful.<p>Another thing that has impressed me is that the causes of marital distress and infidelity are so universal. You can take the stories from Surviving an Affair and practically insert the names of people you know. It's the same story over and over. The same rationalizations. <p>I am also concerned about why we can't learn to develop better relationships. Why do we keep hurting each other? What events earlier in life handicap people emotionally and interfer with healthy adult relationships?<p>I think that religious values play a large part in the determination to preserve marriage. Also, having children involved is a major motivation. Plus, plenty of folks simply love their spouses, and realize that most affairs are mistakes that the WS eventually regrets. Also, Plans A and B are designed to help the BS improve him/herself, so that no matter how the marrigae turns out, the BS comes out of this a better, stronger person.<p>The great thing about MB is that it gives people a guideline to do the very best they can to correct mistakes and repair damage before they bring the marriage to an end as a last resort. Then they can move on with their life knowing that they have truly tried their best.<p>I love this site and the people here. Everyone is so brave.<p>Take care,
Estes

RE: I also wonder what the difference between a fling and an affair? IT seem as if a fling would be a one night stand and an affair is where feelings are involves. Do you agree?<p>No I do not agree. Here is what I’d say about the subject.<p>
The words affair and fling are used to describe relationships that are love interests. They may or may not include physical contact. They can occur between any combination of married and single people. The word fling does seem to be used for shorter, more flighty relationships. <p>I would argue that the husband and wife are involved in an affair with each other. I sure think that way about my husband.. He is my lover, my soul mate, my boyfriend, my squeeze, etc etc. <p>Remember that the marriage contract and vows say that both spouses agree to ‘forsake all others’. That means no affairs out side of the marital relationship. Infidelity is when a married person has a extra marital fling or extra marital affair (EMA). Another way to look at it is that an affair is when a spouse takes emotional and/or sexual energy outside of the marriage. When infidelity is concerned we do not distinguish between flings and affairs. This is because whether if the relationship is a one night stand or a long term relationship it is still infidelity. Though infidelity usually involves the WS (Wayward spouse) sneaking around and lying to the BS (Betrayed Spouse), it is still infidelity if the BS knows full well what is going on. Even swinging, where both spouses participate is infidelity. EMA’s can be purely emotional, purely physical or both. <p>EMA’s can be a legal issue in marriage because they break a legal contract. When a person cheats on a person they are dating we still look at it as an affair and not very good form, but it does not have the legal and moral implications that and EMA does.<p>Hope I made some sense here.

Estes,<p> I can't understand why you think people who have affairs, had a bad childhood. I am not saying you are wrong. It's just that I don't see where you are coming from. I think peope who blame their troubled childhood are using that as an excuse.<p> I admit, I had a very troubled childhood, but I don't think it had anything to do with the affair I was in.
My childhood was very abusive. And because of that I went to the extreme to be just the opposite when it came to raising my daughter. In othere words I didn't abuse my daughter because I was abused. I think too many people use their raising as an excuse to do wrong.<p> And as far as religion... I used to have a very close relationship with God... I honestly don't know where I went wrong there. I know when I lost my favorite brother to cancer I bacame very bitter. When he became sick, I thought, there is no way God will let us suffer through this after all we have been through.<p> As I mentioned before Estes, I am trying to learn. I guess, I am just mortified that I got involved in an affair in the first place.<p> Thanks for listening.

I have a question for claification too for you guys who know the material better than me. I think I read or heard that affairs that involve both physical and emotional are the hardest one to deal with. What is the scope on that?

oh, I know I haven't posted a lot so I probably should give some back ground as to why the question. I'm divorced - ex husband had first affair - a one night stand only because it was in another country and he wasn't able to get back anytime soon then 5 years later another A - very emotional at first then evolved into physical - we divorced over it and now they are married. Wish I had this site then. Now in new relationship and not wanting to repeat mistakes.

oh, I know I haven't posted a lot so I probably should give some back ground as to why the question. I'm divorced - ex husband had first affair - a one night stand only because it was in another country and he wasn't able to get back anytime soon then 5 years later another A - very emotional at first then evolved into physical - we divorced over it and now they are married. Wish I had this site then. Now in new relationship and not wanting to repeat mistakes.

Hi Everyone,<p>Spiro, I am not saying that a difficult childhood automatically leads to an affair. That certainly should not be used as an excuse for one. What I mean is that a person who has residual emotional issues caused by traumatic events of childhood carries issues into a marriage that can strain the marriage in a way that the BS has no input.<p>For example, my DIL's childhood left her with deep unresolved issues of inadequacy and depression. Her father left the family when she and her sister were little and ignored them thereafter. Her mother, clinically bipolar, made it clear to the girls that it was their duty to keep her happy and appeased. Her grandfather committed suicide, and the new stepgrandfather sexually abused her and her sister for years. <p>Unbeknownst to my son, DIL brought all the awful treatment into the marriage. For several years DIL covered up her pain and pretended that everything was all right, just like she had pretended everything was all right in the past, as a way of self preservation, I think. This lovely, intelligent, charming young woman internally was constantly chasing happiness and approval from the outside while the real problem was inside. But she pretended everything was OK to keep everybody from thinking negatively of her.<p>Eventually everything came to a head. The harder she tried to make things right, the more depressed she became. My son wasn't making her happy, she said. On a trip back home, she contacted an old boyfriend and within a month had filed for divorce, moved to OM's state, and left my son wondering what hit him. He had no clue, because she had no clue. She had never once indicated there were serious issues in the marriage. <p>This is what I am referring to about unresolved childhood issues prompting affairs. My DIL is chasing rainbows, and she won't find them outside herself. She has issues my S cannot help with because they are her demons. Until she comes to gripes with her internal issues, the marriage has little chance. She saw the affair as the answer to her unhappiness. Nine months later, she is on the verge of emotionl collapse, because her solution has only caused more problems.<p>If one partner in a marriage brings issues into the marriage, they have one strike against them from the start. Maintaining a marriage is challenging enough without one of the partners looking for something that the spouse cannot provide.<p>Alcoholism, abandonment, verbal abuse, sexual abuse all take an emotional toll that are hard to resolve. Until they are dealt with, the residual effects can lead the victim seeking resolution to the pain and sometimes that search leads to an affair as the solution. <p>I hope this clarifies what I mean. I know where my DIL is coming from. She is in emotional agony. But her affair is not the solution. It has hurt her, my son, and my grandson beyond measure.<p>If I may say so, I hope you can forgive yourself. God ALREADY has. All you have to do is tell Him you are sorry, that you know you made a mistake, and you want the forgiveness He has already offered. I believe with all my heart. These are not just words. God is ready to listen. You make a mistake. Your are truly sorry. And you ARE forgiven. God forgives you; now forgive yourself.<p> {{{{Spiro}}}} <p>Take care,
Estes

renee,<p>My understanding about the EA versus the PA is that in a PA there is ONE primary emotional need being met, sexual fulfillment. <p>The difficulty with an EA or EA/PA is there are other important emotional needs being met in addition to SF, and the affair partners can really love each other.<p>The challenge then becomes one where the WS who wants to save the marriage must choose to let go of a deeply emotional relationship and work to rebuild love for the BS and let BS fulfill the ENs that the WS allowed the OP to fulfill during the affair. <p>Leaving the A is extremely painful for the WS. It is really hard. WS go through withdrawal that takes weeks or months. There is often renewed contact with the OP. If there is, recovery is set back to square one and withdrawal has to start all over again. Meanwhile the BS has to
use every bit of emotional strength he/she has to maintain love for the WS. This is why recovery from an A with an emotional component is so hard for everyone.<p>Hope this helps. Correct me if I have the wrong take on this MBers.<p>Estes

The length of an affair has many variables, such as;<p>How frequent the parties can be together.<p>THe length of time they get to spend together when they are together.<p>THE frequency of contact during the day.<p>THE quality of time they have to spend when they are together.<p>And of course how soon they are discovered. <p>Typically it takes 3-4 months to really get to know someone, it's at that point that annoying habits and other love busters begin to come to light and are no longer ignored. THen withdraws are made and when enought withdraws are made the grass dos'nt seem so greener and the fire burns out.<p>Hope that is helpful.

Estes,<p> You know, I went through a lot of trauma when I was a child, but because of that I became a stronger person. So, I think a lot of good did come of it. <p> When I did some volunteering for the Mental Health Association, I met a lady who claimed she couldn't work because her father locked her in a closet when she was a child. I know some people have a hard time over coming abuse when they become adults, but Estes, it seemed to me, she just had too much time on her hands to sit around and think about those things. She lived along with two kids to raise. I would become crazy if all I had to do was sit around and think about what happened to me as a child.<p> Isn't life strange sometimes? I am not judging anyone, but my mother just turned 80 in September, and my brother who is 43 is living with her and always drunk.... I am really confused about the difference between the two of us. Am I the stronger of the two or does he just choose to live like that because he wants too? He liveed through the same abuse I did. <p> Thank you again for listening..

I hear what you are saying. I've listened to psychologists who point out that many, many people have overcome early trauma and have productive lives. The majority, in fact. And we surely do see a lot of blame for lack of success placed on past experiences.<p>For you, I'm happy that you have become strong. It's pretty sad about your brother. His life seems rather ineffective.<p>Do you recall a specific time when you told yourself that you were OK, that they were wrong, and that you were not going to be held back by what happened, or did it just happen? Did you ponder it, or did your strength develop without conscious thought? I guess I'm wondering if you spent a lot of time philosophizing (Is that a word?) or did you just get on with life?<p>I was fortunate to have a very stable childhood and thought for a long time that my security was the way everyone saw the world. After years of teaching and working with quite a few troubled kids, I realized that what I assumed was "normal" really was not typical at all. <p>I realize now that the world does not look the same to all of us. What seems to be a clear-cut choice to me may not be so easy to someone with different experiences. <p>I'm glad to listen anytime.<p>Estes

Hi Estes,
I never thought too much about all of this until now. I do know that I don't want to become bitter like my older sisters and brothers. Life is just too short.<p> I refuse to live with the poor me attitude. <p> I also used to volunteer for the homeless and one thing I learned that I think everyone should know is, not everyone in that situation chooses to be there. Most of the people who are homeless are mentally ill. Isn't that so sad??? Most people look down on people like that and think they are just too lazy, but in MOST cases that isn't so.<p> I just don't understand why some peoples life experiences makes them stronger and more compassionate and then there are those who just can't cope... I wonder if it isn't mostly a choice? <p> I know I got off the MB track here, but you are just so interesting to "talk" to. <p> Have a good night.