I hope I can approach this question without getting emotions running real high, but I am honestly curious about this.<p>Ever since I discovered MB in November, I have been reading like crazy, discovering things about my hubby and me, from reading others' similar posts and such, and a lot of it from reading through all the curricular from the main website, about infidelity, how to deal through it all.<p>I have posted some, when I felt I might could contribute, and I have posted questions and gotten a "few" responses.<p>But in all, even though I have seen some say BS and WS are welcome here the same, it does not come across this way. Am I being paranoid? Am I being too sensitive? I'd love to have a lot of replies from so many of you to relieve my sense of ..... not feeling welcome.<p>My husband and I are having the best year this year in somewhere around 6 years. I love him with all my heart, and although there is an occasional small love buster, most of the time it's love bank deposits. If my husband has come this far, forgiven me of my wayward-ness, I have gotten back on the straight and narrow, are you all hurting so much, you can't be forgiving too?

Bellea, I don't think that's it at all. Some of the WS get the MOST responses. I don't avoid threads because someone is a WS and I don't think others do either. It just depends on the subject of your thread and the number of people online at the time. Beleive me, many a BS has said the same thing you have about people responding to thier threads, so please don't think it's because you are a WS. Welcome to MB, by the way! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Bellea,<p>I have tried to put myself in the position of the WS and still find myself with the same thoughts. In the another post I said both the WS/bs/op can come here. If they have the right attitude, they are not only welcome but will thrive to become better persons. If they have a wrong attitude, their stay here will be shorter than most. <p>This is a hard place to be. Your stay here is up to you. It is a bit harder for the Ws because that is why most of us are here. So there is some blame factor. When I read a WS post, I have to sometimes step back and give it deeper thought since I find it harder to know where they are coming from. <p>I have never felt uncomfortable posting to you or hearing your thoughts. I have to admit there were a few OPs here that I felt needed to go elsewhere. <p>So Bell, you are welcome here. Keep posting. I wish you and your H well on your recovery. <p>Take Care,
L. <p>Ps: I saw your pic and think you look cute!

Sigh. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Thanks Melody. Even if no one else takes the time to respond, you just made me feel a LOT better [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I am not sure I understand your concern. The board is pretty much about marriage restoration, and to some extent personal growth, there is some socialization but it is not a social place per se. There would be no particular reason for a lot of hellos, how are you's. The board is issue driven, with some supportive stuff too (if needed), and a place for some venting as well. I have been here 8 months, a wsh, and my um......... search for understanding is somewhat at odds with many here. On occassion folks have been a bit harsh and judgemental, but for the most part I am civil, and try to give back too, and people treat me ok. Labels are thrown about some, but I think mostly people react (as usual everywhere) how they are treated, and see folks as people, not labels. <p>WS (and BS) are first and foremost people, hurting usually, and in hard places in their lives, and trying to find the right path for them. All folks ask for is consideration of feelings, and honest input.... Some ws/op come here and are pretty obnoxious, and insensitive, so get a predictable response...not cause they are ws/op but cause they are..... well, obnoxious and insensitive. If you have some input you would like, you must say so, and be specific, folks will respond, your ws history makes no difference. And in fact, your participation as a ws in a recovering marriage will be considered very positive and hopeful by most here, and I am sure many would also like to hear from you how you came back into your marriage (as well as why you wandered), as they seek to understand their ws, and try to recover.

Hi Bellea<p>I hope your not being paranoid. It's true that WS and OP are welcome here. IF your reason for being here is to build your marriage. We all want to rebuild or improve our relationships.<p>What do you think is making your R the best it has been in 6 years? What are you doing now, that you previously weren't?<p>My H had an A. We have been in recovery 15 months.
I had been neglecting my marriage. Kind of like, well if you want to withdraw from me and not make any effort, then I'll do the same. THIS IS NOT GOOD for a marriage. I have forgiven my H. He is very lucky and so am I. I have grown tremendously and found myself again. This is the person that my H had fallen in love with. My Marriage is my #1 priority. It wasn't always.<p>The hurt still creeps up on me now and then. But, it's becoming less and less. Whilst our love is growing more and more.<p>So, what are you doing?

Thank you, all!! After I hit enter in reply to Melody, I saw the other responses. <p>I guess I was just being
paranoid. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Sorry 'bout that.<p>As far as how we got where we are now, it's been a long road. I'll try to hunt up the post where I told my whole story. I don't think I could re-type all of it!!<p>Merry Christmas everyone.

What's different about your relationship, now?

The board is slow for lots of reasons lately - from the change in servers and trouble getting in (we lost a few through that stuff, I'm sure) and the holiday season (it's always slow), the weekends (notoriously slow) and then there were the unrepentent OW who dropped by with their hate. YOU are NOT one of those!!<p>Be patient with us, and know that it ISN'T you!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Oh, and I meant to say also that I came here, over two years ago, as a WS, although I was also a BS, so I understand this thing from both sides, unfortunately.

Bellea<p>I would not say that you are being paranoid. I’d say that you are reacting to something that many people find curious. It is that some posts get lots of responses and some get few. Who knows why. I know that most of my posts have not gotten many responses. When I first came here in April, I recall that I posted twice because I was falling apart at work and could not stop shaking and crying….. 1 person responded to my first post. A couple of days later I made another post because I was in even worse shape at work. Two or three people posted. At first I was miffed because I saw some posts with up to 100 responses and I could hardly get anyone to respond.<p>The post about what star we all look like is the most responded to thread I’ve ever started here. I mostly just respond to other people. Find I get a lot out of that. Once in a blue moon I start a thread. One thing I do a lot of is to come on here and see who is getting only the least responses. Then I’ll respond to them. Hate to see anyone get no responses.<p>What I did find was that the few responses I got were a life saver. Thank goodness for those people. It seems that people need to get to know you a bit. It’s like anywhere else. Some people only start their own threads and never respond to others. Every so often we give each other a pep talk here to remember to stop by the new people’s threads and help them.<p>I love to see people growing and marriages improving. I for one do not care what a person’s part in all of this is as long as they are working on their marriages. Those who are not I hope they are at least working on themselves and not further destroying marriages and families. That’s what all of this about. So please stay. As people get to know they will look for you to see how you are doing. <p>WS, BS & OP are welcome. You may have noticed that some people get very bothered by OP’s who come here to thump their noses at BS’s and WS’s who are here to prove that MB will not work in their very unique case. <p>RE: If my husband has come this far, forgiven me of my wayward-ness, I have gotten back on the straight and narrow, are you all hurting so much, you can't be forgiving too?<p>My experience is that many of the people here forgive themselves and their spouses. Though many others are still in the stage where their WS are not wanting to work on the marriage and yet still want to be in the marriage. These people are having a terrible time and sometimes do not have a lot to give.<p>I have not responded much here in the last few weeks because I’ve been recovering not only from my he’s affairs but from the problems with his children. The entire thing put me under the weather for weeks. I’m bouncing back now and hope to be here more both physically and mentally. We all go through these cycles. <p>My H, SeenTheLight, used to post here a lot. Like so many guys, he can only take so much of this touchy feely stuff. But I keep him posted on everyone. There were a few times when people hasseled him because he was a FWS… they felt he should not be give advice. But that was really a very small group of people who had attitudes of their own making. Most of the people here accepted him quite well. He had also been a BS in his previous two marriages. So at least I think he had a lot to offer. <p>Please stay here. Don’t take things too personally. People will come around. Forgiveness and repentance are essential parts of the human condition. There is plenty to go around here. I think that anyone who can come here and admit that they have been a WS or an OP and in recovery is a very strong person. It’s a lot easier to be here and not have to admit to all of my past sins. You are a courageous woman to face your H with your issues and to come here to help your marriage, yourself and everyone else here.<p>Please stay… you have a lot to offer.

Wow.. Zorweb, your response got me in the heart [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I plan on staying right here, because I get so much out of it! I had simply not responded sooner because our family has been watching Christmas movies and playing Mancala tonight lol.<p>I think I was just gettin my feelings hurt for some other reasons, not just the WS part... I get the feeling obesity is looked at as the next worst sin next to infidelity around here! (Which, unfortunately, I am...) The "fun" post about what star do you look like was the socializing of the night, and it just seemed like everyone was "chatting" or leaving messages for one another, but me. I felt left out. I was being a bit childish. Sorry 'bout that. When I get PMS'y I get this way, lol.<p>Thank you all for you heart felt responses. It has made me feel not quite so alone, and a little more welcomed here. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Oh yes, I hunted down my early post where I told my story...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013682<p>It stings to go back and have to relive, knowing the pain I caused. But just know it is like looking back and thinking, "Is it possible I really was possessed?" Seriously. Scary stuff.<p>Thanks all!!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Bellea,<p>I skimmed the responses and didn't see this angle. Sorry if it's already in there somewhere. <p>If you take a step back and consider the majority of posters here are BS, often they have very little perspective on any WS issues. There are a few other WS, a few WS/BS, and a few brave BS who are willing to respond, but all in all, I think this probably has an impact on the number of responses any WS would get.<p>Also, since a majority of the folks here are BS, many may just discount anything posted by a WS just because of the feelings that they have. I'd much rather have them ignore, rather than flame anyway.<p>Please know that you ARE welcome here. That welcome is contingent on one thing, though - just like ANYONE here. If a person is respectful of others feelings and situations be they a WS, BS, OP, other, then they are welcome.<p>Take care!
Kev

I'm sorry that the post on what movie star we look like got you down. I saw your response and realized that it was a downer for you. When I tried to open your photo at work it did not open. So I could not even see it until I got home a hour or so ago. Have been fixing dinner for my kids and getting them to help me with the daily pick up around here, so I did not get a chance to respond to you on that thread yet. Right now my daughter is really bugging me to so watch a movie with her and snuggle. Demanding aren't they. But before I do that I wanted to tell you this.........<p>Hey, you don't have to feel bad about your weight. You are beautiful woman. Beauty comes in all sizes. If this were the romanesc (spelling) times you'd a considered a raving beauty and all of the thin women would be considered.. well, too thin and sickly. It's all in they eyes of the beholder. I have a little secret to share with you. You see I've struggle with a weight problem all my adult life. It's a bear to keep it under control.. I understand that. I also understand that some people think that people who are not perfect weigth are somehow deficient. That is their problem. <p>So know that you are beautiful and that many people can see beyond any weight problem.<p>I mentioned my friend, the one who looks like liz taylor. Well she's put on a few lbs in the last few years because of stress... her ex left her to raise 3 boys age 6 months... 8 years old. Gee she's a little stressed. But let me tell you, she is still a knock out with a personality to die for. She always as a string of the most yummy men asking her out. <p>So care not what the small minded say or think. You are better then that.

Yes, Kev, <p>I realize most folks who come to MB come as BS who are hurting, and looking for comfort, and usually see WS as the "bad guys." That's why I had asked, is it BECAUSE of that...<p>I think I really was just feeling... left out, and well, uh, I don't feel so left out anymore. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It makes me feel kinda wierd, having to "ask" for responses. I just needed a little assurance.<p>And just in case any BSpouses out there are wary of me? Please, read my story. (the link is in an upper post by me..) I hope you'll be able to see that I have gone through quite a lot, and over a period of time. It's not like just over night I was "cured." I am very aware it takes more than that!!<p>Again, take care everyone. I honestly really sincerely say a prayer for my MB friends every day, sometimes more than once a day. I wish everyone the best.

Bellea,<p>Hugz..... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Bellea,
Well, sometimes I go to post a response and see that someone else has hit the nail on the head with my thoughts..so then I have a tendency not to contribute.<p>As far as BS versus WS versus OP posters..I think the only thing I really look for is sincerity...and not necessarily sincerity in following MB stuff..more like sincerity in really wanting to figure their life and relationship out.<p>And sometimes, those quickie no brainer threads like the movie star one get lots of response simply becuae that's what they are..no brainers and a little bit of a vacation.<p>As far as weight being second to infidelity....hmmm I think us smokers get it bad too..and trying to quit again...
Hugs,
T

Hi again, <p>I did want to add something else, about the weight. In 1998 I weighed nearly 300 pounds, and I fully understand the feelings you describe. <p>I had my affair after losing some weight, but still weighed in the 250 range. I was called a fat whore by the OM's S.O. (significant other). <p>One day when you have about a million free hours, do a search on me and you'll see that I went through hell as I grew through this entire process here on MB. You'll also see that I wrote a thread about calling people fat, specifically OW... and let me tell you, I found out something interesting, and in the end healing for me... that ANYthing we say about the OW in OUR OWN situation is ours alone to carry. <p>If someone talks about their fat OW, or their frizzy haired OW, or their toothless OW, even if it describes me, it is NOT ABOUT ME, it is about THEIR OW. This is one place we can vent, and vent we do. It is not personal to you, or me, or anyone on this site. <p>I want to apologize to you though if the remarks hurt you. I do understand, and have talked about it myself over the years. I did want you to know that I DO understand your pain and frustration with this issue.<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>