Hi, Some of you have read my threads, but here's a little history...Beginning December, WS told he she wanted D when I returned fm overseas, because she was unhappy and did not love me anymore and she didn't want to try to work it out anymore, hurt too bad. Well, then turned to a friend, my BF for the comfort she needed, she fell in love with him, my suggestion that maybe he was such a good friend is what pulled her away and she thought about it and decided that she did love OM. Then she talked to him about it and he felt as if he loved her too. He's married and then demanded of his BS a D. Then they move out and are now living together. I'm in plan A improving myself and she can see that, she's even said that to her friends and me. Well, here's the questions...Why is she alienating her friends? Why is she SOOO busy that she doesn't have time for herself? I see that she wants time to herself, but she just won't take it. I've offered for her to come over here and have it, and me and the kids will leave. She forgets things now more than ever. She used to have the BEST memory. I used forget things all the time and I seem to be remembering things much better. What's going on here? She doesn't want me calling her names like darling and sweetheart, because they are terms of endearment. I do that with alot of people. It's kinda hard to stop. Why does that bother her so much? Why does she talk to me like she's angry or has an attitude with me, when he's around, either on the phone or around me? When she talks to me and he's not around or nearby, she's real sweet and understanding and talks to me with normality. Why? Is she trying to show the OM that she really doesn't love me anymore or what? She's trying to be nice, when we talk (even when it's not about us), so why does she change being nice when HE'S around? He acts as if everything is just peaches and cream when he's around me. That burns me up inside. I keep up spirits though, to show her that I'm improving myself and that I'm not being that insensitive, ***hole, jerk, unloving, uncaring, can't listen, always judging and criticizing, not a friend, that I used to be. I knew that they would be coming over to pick somethings up today, so I left, as to not put myself in that situation. Tomorrow, she has an activity planned with the kids, ours and his, and says I am invited to come. He will be there. Should I go? I'd love to be with my kids, but if I see them being close or affectionate, even little glances, I just know I'll LB and blow my top. Should I go and show her that I'm really improving, or should I just stay away? And she WANTS me to go out with OW. I don't get that. She says I need to experience more of life and it would be good for me. What's that all about? I don't want that, I want her. maybe that's me being selfish, but how can she suggest something like that? Guilt maybe? Well as you see questions, questions, questions. Never mean it to be long, but always is...Gotta vent. Appreciate the listening. BM

This one went to the bottom, way to fast, Back to the top with it. Please respond.

No Replies...Bringing it up!

Hello!<p>I saw that no one had replied to you, so I thought that I would tell you, at the very least, you are not alone. <p>You ask a lot of "why's" in your post. I can honestly say, I did/do ask the same thing. My WH seems to be exactly like your WW. He is alienating his friends and family (didn't even call any of them on Christmas, including me!). He has crashed his car, lost his wallet in a drunken stupor, treated me like crap, blamed me for all the problems in the marriage, lied to me, lied to his family and friends, isn't paying the bills (despite claiming he wanted to be independent and part of that was taking over our finances), and is generally on a path of self-induced destruction. <p>The only thing that keeps going on over and over in my head is, "If this relationship with OW is SO special and SO perfect and SO right, then why is it turning my H into a nightmare?"<p>I believe the more seasoned MB Warriors call it the FOG. It is real. It is scary. It is thick. <p>I can only suggest you Plan A Your Bum Off (my favourite expression). If you can do this with minimal/no LB's, then you're on the right track. For yourself, and hopefully for your WW.<p>Come here to vent, scream, shout, rejoice and share. We are all here and going through the same stuff. We understand.<p>Lots of love and hope;
VE

Gosh Broken,
I don't recommend that you subject yourself to their open display of their affair, like smashing it in your face... UGH! How cruel is that?!<p>Nah, don't go to the event... I don't know what your wife is trying to prove nor whom she is trying to prove it to!? I have to agree with venus that it is wandering spouse foggy behavior! It sounds like your wife is confused (typical). It sounds like she is trying to make things appear to be acceptable and normal when they are NOT (typical). And it sounds like she is trying to rub your nose in her affair when she knows good and well you still love her and want your marriage to recover from and survive this with all your heart!<p>DON'T GO! I think it will make you miserable and so do you--you said so yourself. If you act like a fool, it will only justify her mixed emotions about leaving you for good.<p>Only patience on your part and implementing a good Plan A can make a difference. Plan A, changing yourself (for good) is the only thing that will work--not Plan A as a manipulation tool. Plan A means meeting the emotional needs of the WS. Do you really know what her top five emotional needs are? If not, try to find out because Plan A won't work unless you really and truly know (not guessing). Sorry if you have mentioned before and I have not read all your posts. Have seen your screen name on Emotional Needs so I promise to do my homework before posting to you again... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Trusting God with all the unanswered questions will help you keep your sanity in the meantime, esp. if your wife won't talk to you in detail. Faith means we don't have all the answers. So keep the faith, man! We're here to listen to your vents. No lovebusting! Especially right now. It's crucial to your Plan A efforts...<p>Their "arrangement" can't possibly last. I believe your wife is avoiding her friends because they bring ACCOUNTABILITY into her life and probably don't agree with her current lifestyle, dropping your kids right in the middle.<p>I think you should just stay home and keep reading up on Plan A, especially in the Notable Posts thread on Just Found Out. There are also some success stories out there that will encourage you!

If your WS is still married to you, why should you socialize with WS and OM? I don't think I could do that real easily even after many years of being divorced. If you go, you are putting yourself in a huge position to LB. No one could endure that and be calm. Your pain is still too raw and undecided.<p>WS gets angry at you cause you are a reminder that what she is doing is wrong. <p>Keep learning about yourself----what you need to do to be kind and considerate but don't make her life easy with OM. That will prolong your pain. <p>TW

Hi Broken:<p>Welcome...and sorry you are not getting the help that you need...but I'll give you what advise I have.<p>Almost all of your questions can be answered by accepting the fact that your wife is confused and she's trying to manipulate you, her friends and even OM so that all the pieces will fall into place without undue pain on herself. It is, of course, not possible, and it's strange but a lot of WS think it is possible. <p>If she can just avoid her friends until they can accept the situation (and she probably feels like they eventually will) and just get you to accept the fact that the marriage is over and you need to move on, then she can pursue this other relationship without guilt. For heaven sake, don't play into her illusion, if you want your marriage, act like it...even if she is very negative about it. You will not believe how much she may change her mind in the next few months. <p>Continue to work on yourself...making yourself a better person and a better partner...and let time do it's magic on her and her affair...it will if you let it. <p>Faye

Believe it or not, I've told her that I do not want the divorce, but I accept the fact that she's wanting it and that has changed her attitude about things. But she has sooo much anger and resentment towards me right now. I can be the sweetest person I can be and be who I know I can be. Plan A. And she still gets frustrated with me. You hit the mark on that stuff. I think that she is trying to use all the people around her to make herself feel better. And I do think that she feels guilty about what she has done. But right now, I think Pride, won't let her understand that she has made a mistake. And also the fact that she's in the fog too. Thanks for the comments.

Okaaaaay, sooooo....<p>Did you go??? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Yes, I did go. Had a great time w/kids. WS said I was bieng a jerk some of the time, I wasn't, but that's all she could see. She seems to have her defenses up when I'm around. Read to pounce at anything that might not be just right to her. I was HAPPY HAPPY that day and had a wonderful time with the kids. When she realized that I wasn't being an A$$, she seemed to be a little better, but still that that old chip on her shoulder. Well, a little bit later, my son decided that he was going to lay down on the floor in the middle of the rink and look up at the disco ball. When he did that I immediately went after him to get him up. Then my WS came in and said something to the effect of, you can't let him do that...I immediately said, I know I'm on top of it. Staying positive. I didn't get all the words she said, but something to the fact of 'this is my time', so I then, told her i could wait outside, so I was not to take any of her time with the kids. Then she realized what she said and said she was sorry and that she didn't mean it to come out that way. Well, I went ahead and went outside a couple minutes later. Told her to have a smoke. Well, then they all came out about 10 minutes later, and she apologized again, and we talked for a few minutes and I kept up that good attitude and told her that it was OK, I understand. As far as OM goes, I pretty much ignored him most of the time, but when he spoke, I did reply in a nice way, but said very little. All the while, I wanted to punch him in the face. but lots of kids around and didn't want to have kids see something like that. Much less my own kids. Well, we talked and she realized that she had hurt my feelings and said she was sorry, I could see the hurt in her eyes. Then we parted and talked to her later, and she was pretty nice. Still that little chip there, but pretty nice. It seems the only time the chip is there though, is when OM is around. When he's not, she's nice and considerate of my feelings and pays attention on how she treats me, but still waiting for me to be the jerk and ready to jump on me. But I have given her no chance at that in the last week. I think she may be finally realizing that I'm really changing. I don't think that that will change her mind, especially since she's still in the 'fog'. But its the little things that keep popping up that makes me believe that she's still confused and doesn't know what she wants. I can see that she is in turmoil and I can't do a d**m thing about it. It hurts not to be able to help the ones you love when they are hurting. Keeping her in my prayers.

Yes you can do something and you ARE doing it--Plan A (as in, not LBing and not punching out OM). Keep showing her the good person she stands to lose. I think you did great fighting off all those temptations to love bust...