My wife and I attended counseling together for the first time together. She moved out in Sept after I found out about the affair. We have been married 25 years. The kids will not speak to her and she blames me for telling them. After them not seeing her at Christmas she said I win, she'll come home. She didn't break off with the guy until the very last minute. In the counseling it came out that she felt I was holding the kids hostage (the kids are all 17 years old and up) and it was my fault that they feel like they do. She shows no signs of remorse, only anger that I made her give up this great love she found. She says she does not like me as a person and doesn't want to spend any time with me. Sounds promising, right? I am trying to do the right thing. I am trying to make myself a better person. Why would I want to be with a person who doesn't want to be with me and thinks that our relationship has no chance? She doesn't think that I can change.
Is her attitude caused by depression over the fact that she had to break off the relationship? If I show her that I am trying to be a better person, will that soften her heart? Should I tell her I don't want her coming home unless she is willing to make an effort? I don't want her to come home and make all of our lives miserable.
I just don't know what to do.....

It sounds to me like your kids are grown up enough to make up their own minds and hearts about what their mom has done to the family... Maybe your wife is just not ready to accept her responsibilities in causing so much devastation to so many loved ones. It's got to be a tough pill for anyone to swallow.<p>She's home and that is a good sign. But I hear you about her influence in the house. I have heard that mom sets the tone in our homes. If mama is happy, then everyone else has a CHANCE at being happy! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Oh well... I think you are doing great by finding this site. Can you afford to call Steve Harley? He could probably tell you best what to do as your situation sounds unique.<p>If you stand 1/2 a chance at making things right in your relationship with your W, then she has to cut off all contact with that OM completely.<p>Maybe you can start with the questionnaires from this website? At least you can try to figure out what your wife's top emotional needs are and begin to make deposits in her love bank. That would be a good start, if you can convince her it would be a worthwhile exercise.<p>Plan a date! Turn on the charm. If you initiate some tenderness, she'll respond in a tender way. That's just how women are. We respond. Love her back to the person you first married. Hopefully that would trigger good memories for you! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Good luck!