Hi all,<p>I thought I’d provide an update of things as they’ve played out over the last couple of weeks that WW and I have been gone – visiting our families back home.<p>So WW was pretty stressed out about going home – was kind of a basket case, really. She didn’t want to face anyone, didn’t want to “visit reality”. She had a lunch date even set up with OM #1 to tell her story about how our M was “hanging on by a thread”.<p>In any case, my plan was to Plan A her and our families as much as I could. I expected her to be cold to me though, and so I’d have my work cut out for me in terms of controlling LB and trying to send her positive messages.<p>The first few days at the in-laws were such that she said very little to me, found excuses to spend as much time away from me as she could, sat on the opposite side of the room from me, etc. We both had colds at the time, too, so our folks, although possibly suspecting something was wrong, I think dismissed it as us being sick. I realized that she was likely suffering from some withdrawal, thus affecting her mood.<p>Things did degrade a bit around day 3 or 4. I was feeling extremely isolated and powerless, so I initiated a couple of relationship talks in our room. Given that she had “nowhere to run” so to speak, it was an opportunity to attack a few issues. I noticed that she started some serious fogese, and rather than shrink away from it, I attacked it head-on. For example, she’d talk about how I was making her feel like a prisoner, and I’d respond by saying that she was perfectly free to leave me – that it was her holding herself back. And it went on like this. And it made her more and more upset and stressed – but only for a while, and it did get to a point where I was showing some strength and clarity – and although the short-term effect might have seemed negative, I think I did plant some seeds that may have born some fruit later as I’ll explain.<p>We eventually shifted over to staying with my parents. WW spent the first night with a girlfriend in a small town about an hour away – I drove her and picked her up the next day. She used it as another opportunity to “escape” and “avoid me” – and my parents, too, I think (guilt, etc.). Given that I believe her girlfriend has been a “bad influence” on WW in terms of advice, etc., I expected the worst after picking her up. But instead, WW seemed to have calmed down a fair bit. She admitted that the time was good for her – an opportunity to simply “veg out”, watch TV, etc. So that was good after all.<p>She did have lunch with OM #1, but no “funny stuff” happened – I drove her to the restaurant where they met – I didn’t say a word about it – she had admitted that she was having lunch with a group of people that would have included OM #1 – a lie, but I knew saying anything would have been a LB. At the same time, I went to lunch with a friend and his family. It was kind of hard, but in the end, I think it was the right thing to do – she likely had a chance to rehash her story, and her mood was not too bad after.<p>My mom did actually sense that something was wrong. In a particularly awkward moment, she asked WW if she’d done anything to offend her – close but no cigar, mom – it’s not about you! Anyhow, WW realized that she was acting strangely, and I think this small confrontation actually made her start acting more “normal” for the remainder of the trip – more talkative, more open to me, etc. I did actually really enjoy my time at my parent’s place – I felt energized to a degree – a familiar environment, maybe.<p>I also wrote her a lengthy Plan A letter. It was not so “sweet” as it was “strong”. I took the opportunity to again attack her fogese of late, and get at the heart of some issues. I was willing to say things like “why are you still here if you want to go so badly?”, etc. I feel that I’ve reached a point of enough acceptance that I can say these type of things and feel confident in myself, confident in any outcome.<p>Near the end of our trip, we took a side trip to a very nice spa nearby. We’d given gift certificates to our parents to stay there in the past, but had never stayed there ourselves. WW was quite happy about the prospect of going when I suggested it about a month ago. When we got to our room, it was quite impressive – we joked that it was just begging to have sex in, and that too bad she was too emotionally messed up to consider it right now. We enjoyed the spa, the in-room hot tub, watched some of our favorite shows, had room service, and really enjoyed ourselves. I think I hit a Plan A home-run with this little side-trip. At the end, she was talking about how handsome I was, even gave me a nice hug (she made up an excuse, but I could tell it was genuine).<p>On our way back home, we missed our connecting flight and ended up spending the day in a large city. WW was pretty b****y – she wanted to be back home, and I think didn’t like the prospect of spending the entire day with me. But we took a cab downtown, went to a couple of IMAX’s, had a nice lunch, etc. Near the end, we went and played some pool – a nice idea that she really, really seemed to enjoy. (There’s a story about us playing pool in our very early days of dating – haven’t done it in years, though.) So the day ended actually on a bit of a high-note in my books, despite the hassle of being 12 hours late returning home.<p>Yesterday it was back to work for both of us, and as I expected, she was late again – even admitted in e-mail that she’d been invited out for supper and would be late. Indeed.<p>Which brings us to this morning. She got up early and was on the couch. I came out, sat down, and she opened up, quite unprompted. She started talking about how she’d come to realize a few things. First, that she knew that to make us work, she needed to let herself open up to me, show her affection (basically meet all her EN), etc., and that she also knew she’d have to give up OM completely. I could have told her this months ago, but the fact that she was saying this herself, unprompted, does seem to be something of a breakthrough. She went on to say that she’s come to understand that much of her anger towards me recently was there to push me away, maybe even to make me “make the decision”, etc. – another unprompted revelation I could have told her about months ago, but something major she’s come to understand herself! And she said that she now realizes that this entire experience has allowed her to see that I’ve loved her all along – through all the time that she thought I didn’t love her because of the way she thought I treated her – WOW – this is a major thing for her to accept! She also said that it was when we were playing pool that she really started to feel like my “friend” again – we had a nice moment when she said that. And she made some comment about how she was terrified of losing me, and that she acknowledged how “great I was” for how I’ve handled the entire situation (i.e. Plan A!). She’d also started jotting down some notes for our MC that included thoughts along those lines – something she hasn’t done to date. By the end of this talk, she’d cried a lot, but I think had gotten a lot off her chest. She admits that her problem is quite clear now – it’s about her being in love with OM in a passionate way, and loving me in a very deep way. She now says it’s not about the past – she’s starting to accept that. The situation therefore remains tenuous, but at least she’s finding some clarity. And my Plan A efforts I think are clearly setting me up for the next while.<p>So… things are going well, at least so it seems. Proof that Plan A can be effective, I hope. As Steve had put it, it’s a chipping process. It’s been 4 months since d-day and the start of Plan A. We still have some of the most difficult ground to cover – her giving up OM #2. But at least she’s starting to let go of her anger towards me, and is starting to understand (by herself no less!) what she needs to do if she wants to make us work. And by my remaining in Plan A for the foreseeable future, she really honestly will have no reason not to continue making progress towards working on us.<p>My current worry is not that she’s about to leave, but that she WILL try to string this out for a long, long time. She admits she’d love nothing more than to have both OM and I. So… Should I still plan my Plan B? Some have said that you can only Plan B AFTER separation. True? If she’s still stringing this out in 3 months, what’s the best option? More time in Plan A, allowing her EA to die a natural death? These are the things I’m wrestling with now. (Yes, I’m not quite so upset as I was a few weeks ago – progress will do that, I guess!)

JR<p>I feel you need to stay in Plan A for now. Keep her talking and listen. I feel the A is dying and she will see the light. <p>Stay strong<p>
SLH

J.R. - progress, indeed.<p>Please understand that the 'coaster has few level moments so there's likely to be some upcoming dips to go along with these recent rises.<p>Keep doing what you're doing and NO LBs!!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by J.R.:
<strong>So? Should I still plan my Plan B? Some have said that you can only Plan B AFTER separation. True? If she?s still stringing this out in 3 months, what?s the best option? More time in Plan A, allowing her EA to die a natural death?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Of course still plan your plan B as a contingency. Hopefully you won't need it.<p>I cannot possibly see how Plan B can be implemented without a separation. You have to be separated to avoid all contact. With your Plan A progress, I'd recommend Plan B as soon as she bolts - if she bolts.<p>In three months - or however long YOU can hold your Plan A together - you have the option of initiating a separation if you're really at the bottom of your lovebank or can't avoid LB'ing because your patience is getting thin.<p>Remember, the whole premise of Plan A and B is that the affair will likely die a natural death. There is nothing you can do to hasten its death other than to leave it alone. That's why Plan A and B are all about YOU! You change the things you CAN influence. You make yourself as desireable as you can in anticipation of the affair ending. Get it?<p>WAT

Good work J.R., hang in there a bit longer. As A grasping its last breath, the faster WS in and out of fog. And as you mention, it is actually easier for BS, you just have to be patience.

Dave, you noted that Plan B requires separation - yes, absolutely. My main point of consideration is whether I should be the one to separate, or wait for her to do so - if she ever does (something I tend to doubt, really).<p>My current leaning is towards wait-and-see. I had established a personal time limit of 6 months of Plan A. I may consider adjusting that if I perceive progress. HOWEVER, I also know that she's seriously "stuck". She admits that she's got her head shoved way up her a$$, and can't seem to do anything about it, despite admitting that "I'm so great" and "such a catch", etc. I think the simplest explanation is that her A has not died yet - it's only 4 months in since d-day. But there are signs of stress on it, and I'm actually optimistic about its death within 3-4 months maybe if just left alone, as-is. But we'll see. I do have limits, and I also acknowledge that Plan B could be very effective for me personally. I think her being on her own, despite it being what she claims she wants at times, WILL make her face reality moreso, and would very likely hasten the death of her A. So I'm a bit torn, but also pretty darn calm about things. I'm doing my thing, and doing it pretty well. I'm certainly making her confused, so that's a good sign, I suppose.

Good J.R. - you're doing fine. You're ahead of the curve, it seems, so preserve this position by - you guessed it - NO LBs!!!!!!! One aw sh** will cancel a thousand at-a-boys.<p>One thing you said needs to be noted:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by J.R.:
<strong>I'm certainly making her confused, so that's a good sign, I suppose.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Please get it out of your head that you are "making" her do anything. If she's confused it's because she's making herself confused. Please, please, please do not think or act as if you are causing it. WSs seem to be able to detect this and will quickly rally in their defense, claiming BSs are trying to control or manipulate them and Plan A efforts will go down the drain. Some BSs DO make this mistake, IMHO. Understand the subtlety?<p>WAT