Hi all,<p>I haven't posted in awhile, but I have a few new developments that I would like some input on. <p>First, I will give a little background. For those of you who do not remember my story, or who are new to the board, my H and I have been separated since October 17. As of this date, my H refused to see me or talk to me. I guess the guilt was too much for him to handle. I did e-mail him occasionally, but in the beginning, before I became familiar with the MB principles, these were usually very angry e-mails. Then, I went into Plan B and we had no contact for 5 weeks.<p>I soon realized that my time wasn't ripe for plan B- I hadn't done an adequate Plan A. So, in the beginning of December, I began fresh. At first, my H was very distant and untrustworthy. He didn't believe my actions. But, I stood my ground and truly tried to work on me. For any of you oldtimers out there, I have been relying on the advice of Lostva, the Plan A Queen, who has helped me through the last month of my life!!! She is wonderful BTW!!!! <p>Anyway, my H started becoming a bit more receptive to my e-mails and, the Thursday before Christmas, he called me. The first call since October 17. He called again on Christmas. Now, he always called with a 'purpose' but it was obvious that he was calling to talk. The conversations were always lengthy, yet I did most of the talking- he was still defensive. He also has begun to get a bit more personal in his e-mails, even going as far as telling me that he was having a very emotional day and that it was making him sick. For my H, this was huge (as far as I knew, he was out there having the time of his life!)<p>Okay, fast forward. This past Sunday I decided that it was time my H faced me. Some of you may feel that this was a major LB, but something within me told me to do it. It was not an impulsive move, I slept on it and had been thinking about it for over a week. I also know my H is still involved with OW (a co-worker) but that he is beginning to really question the situation.<p>As you can expect, he was a bit angry that I just showed up at his house. He wanted me to leave, yet we talked for about an hour. And, for the first time in the six years we have been together he cried- I mean really cried. He was sobbing. This is the same man who told me that crying was a sign of weakness. I managed to hold back my own tears & did a very good Plan A, even through some of his anger. It was a very touching experience- for both of us. I never mentioned his A or OW and tried to stay clear of relationship talk, but he kept coming back to that.<p>That night, my H called me- of course he was calling 'for a reason'. We talked for 1/2 hour. The next day, for the first time, he initated e-mail contact and even asked about me. He initiated contact again the following day. However, towards the end of the day I began to notice a difference in his tone. But, I was riding the high end of the roller-coaster, that is for sure....<p>So, I guess I got my hopes up too high. Yesterday I initiated contact and told my H that my grandfather, whom he had a close relationship with, was in the hospital. His response was, "I hope he is okay, have a nice day." That is it. I have heard nothing today. I know that he is conflicted, but why such a sudden change in his actions towards me. It is very difficult. I am trying to remain positive and upbeat, but this is sure bringing me down!!! What do you all think?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know that he is conflicted, but why such a sudden change in his actions towards me. <hr></blockquote><p>Take that sentence and reverse it and you'll have your answer. Why the change? Because he's conflicted.<p>You know it's not a short ride, it DOES sound like progress. But now maybe he's ashamed of himself for crying, maybe he's afraid of opening back up, maybe he had contact and was reassured there, maybe, mayBE, MAYBE.<p>You're right in taking heart in the progress, but just don't expect that it'll continue to be that way, because you're BOTH likely to have backward steps at times.<p>Good luck to you, and God bless,
Kev

I think that kevco is right. Don't panic, go with the flow. Pull back a little yourself but keep the email and communications going. Keep the life line going.<p>He is going to wonder why you are changing and what you are up to. So go slow and easy.

Kev and Zorweb,<p>Thanks to you both for your replies. You are both such insightful people and always eager to help others- it is definitely noticed!!!! <p>Just a little update- I didn't e-mail my H yesterday (or call) and he didn't contact me. However, this afternoon he e-mailed me. He wanted my brother's address to send him and his wife a card for their baby (interesting- the baby isn't due until the end of February and he knows that). He was being really friendly in his responses to me.<p>The only thing that bothers me is that I know he will be spending the weekend with OW and it kills me. How do I know- because when I asked him what he would be doing this weekend he said he was going to yoga and probably going rollerblading. My H has never gone to yoga (before last weekend and I am positive he spent it with her) nor has he shown even a bit of interest in rollerblading. So, I will fill in the blanks. But, I didn't mention this to him. <p>Anyway, next Tuesday is our official 6th year together (our anniversary when we were dating). Now, I know that is not really significant, but my H is very into dates. So, I am positive he will be aware of this. I am sending him a card. Until then, I will not initiate contact- hopefully he will. We will see. <p>This rollercoaster ride is for the birds. Wow- doormats we are not. I will tell you what, it would be MUCH easier to just throw in the towel. Too bad I love my H so much!!!<p>Thanks again!

Hey Advice Seeker. Nice to hear from you again. From the last posts I read of yours some time ago, it sounds to me you have made considerable progress. Your WH is clearly showing that he misses you, is now seriously questioning his actions, but still is caught up in the A and is taking his position sitting on the oft-mentioned fence.<p>From reading many of the posts here, it often seems that when the WS starts truly questioning the A and gets to know the OP better, they start thinking they might be better off back in their M. But by then they are often so caught up with and feel some misplaced obligation to the OP, that they can't make any reasonable decisions for some time. I may be wrong, but I think a large part of the reason your WH started sobbing when you met with him, is because a large part of him wants to go back to you but he feels as if he has placed himself in a situation he cannot get out of easily. He is conflicted, embarassed, and probably has difficulty dealing with the guilt he has for cheating on you.<p>Anyway, you are doing great and keep it up. Just wondering how you got throught the holidays. It must have been difficult. BTW, my W has recently agreed to work on our M and now even says she loves me again. Quite the turn-around. I worked on giving her affection and time, and avoided talking about our relationship or her EA. Now we are just beginning the recovery process, but I have high hopes and the determination to make our relationship so much better. Best wishes to you.

RJB2,<p>Wow- I think you just hit the nail on the head. I truly do. I do think my H wants to be back with me (and I don't just think I am being naive here) but I think he doesn't know how to do it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I may be wrong, but I think a large part of the reason your WH started sobbing when you met with him, is because a large part of him wants to go back to you but he feels as if he has placed himself in a situation he cannot get out of easily. He is conflicted, embarassed, and probably has difficulty dealing with the guilt he has for cheating on you.
<hr></blockquote><p>This says it all in a nutshell. I could tell by his reaction that day and by his subsequent phone call. Also, did I mention that he seems to be rather worried that I am dating- he has made several comments about this. I am enjoying the jealousy actually- but trying not to make it an LB. For example, when he said that he is sure I have plenty of people calling to ask me out, I neither admit or deny it. My answer is simply, "I only am interested in you H." I think this is keeping him wondering and as far as I am concerned, let him worry a little. I know some of you will think this is an LB, but I have definitely made it clear that I only want to be with him!<p>The holidays were horrible, but I survived. Thanks for asking. Alot of tears were shed, but luckily I have a truly wonderful and supportive family!!! Additionally, my mother took it upon herself to make it her mission to get me involved in projects- more specifically, painting my house. We spent two weekends over the holidays painting, which proved to be a great distraction (I highly recommend it to those of you out there trying to find a cheap and productive distraction!) And the end result is so rewarding. That old saying, "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger." Well, I think that applies to all of us on this website going through the holidays!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> BTW, my W has recently agreed to work on our M and now even says she loves me again. Quite the turn-around. I worked on giving her affection and time, and avoided talking about our relationship or her EA. Now we are just beginning the recovery process, but I have high hopes and the determination to make our relationship so much better. Best wishes to you. <hr></blockquote> <p>That is such wonderful news!!! Wow, I love to hear that- it gives me new hope. People always say to me that I shouldn't be so hopeful, but I feel that hope is one of the only things I have left to hold onto [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I also believe hard work pays off, and you are living proof of that. This was probably the most difficult time in your life, but look at the result. I know you have a long way to go, but you have come a long way as well. Keep us posted......<p>Okay, so I have to give him time. This is hard, but I am trying. He is coming around some though-he is definitely beginning to initiate contact between us and this is huge. I am doing my best to meet what I think are his EN's (especially admiration, conversation, appreciation). I can't meet affection- we are not in physical contact, although I do tell him I love him everytime we speak.<p>Best of luck to you and your wife RJB2 and thank you for giving me hope and inspiration.<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: advice seeker ]</p>