For anyone who's kept up with my infrequent updates lately, you'll know that W is going to move back home tomorrow morning.<p>I truly think her heart's in the right place, she's told her staff something about it as one of them emailed her sending her prayers and wishing us luck in our "rediscovery." I take that as a good sign that she's serious about at least putting herself in the position to have her needs met. She's agreed (in word if not in a letter) to no contact, and I truly think she means it... of course I have mistrust about a weekly dinner she wants to set up with her girlfriend and daughter (with whom she was living), but I'm sure that's just paranoia.<p>But I also know that she's not really enthusiastic or optimistic about this move. I have to admit, I thought I'd be much more happy about it too, but all I feel is nerves and a fear of "what if I'm not good enough." The matter of my Plan A changes being for real is a not issue, that's how I'm going to live my life....but I guess I'm just afraid of what if that's not what she wants.<p>I don't know. I have NO CLUE what we'll talk about at night. We at least have a hockey game to go to tomorrow to occupy some time. But I mean, we already know EVERYTHING (pretty much) there is to know about each other. What in the world are we going to do with our time, sit and stare at each other? Stare at the TV? I don't know, any suggestions?<p>Thanks,
Kev<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: kevco- ]<p>[ January 22, 2002: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>

KEV--Now lets be fair. Certainly there are things that even you don't know about W?!?! Then again, maybe not. That's not the point. <p>It's nice to hear she's coming back. Mine's supposed to in two weeks and she's the same way. Scared, reticent, concerned and not overly ecstatic about it. "What if(s)" all the time. I guess that's normal. Must be the withdrawal.<p>Be the picture perfect Plan A poster child and she will stay and things will get better. If we all didn't believe that, we'd all be D'd and starting over. Rent some DVD's or plan some dinner. Don't know your culinary skills but perhaps a few meals prepared by Chef Kev would be nice.<p>Please give updates. I'm scared as sh** also and don't know what to do. I look forward to seeing your progress. <p>Great Luck and God Bless!! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

kevco,<p>I am just wondering what you are up to since the moving date is tomorrow. The end of window shopping day. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Open up the communication and be honest w/ her so that the two of you could plan doing something new and exciting. Do some new activity and mix with the old one that you used to do. Even better if W willing to be the activity planner.<p>Yes, staying in love is intentional and a lot of work. Just be yourself and no LB.

Kev,<p> Well, this is a tuff one Kev. When I thought W and I were in recovery shortly after D-Day and all through the summer, for the most part, We had many good times. At least they were for me. We took many trips, laughed and cut up with each other, stayed in hotels just to get away by ourselves, went on many dates, held hands and tried to act like we were young and in love, like in the beginning.<p> For me those times were the best. I fell in love all over with my WS. I think she was in love with me again as well for a time. That false recovery didn't last past the summer.<p> She did not break contact with other men. Well she broke with the main one I knew of. Then I found out about OM #2. We seperated for awhile, she did her thing I guess. A few weeks ago she moved back with the promise to really work on recovery...Sigh.<p> Kev, in my situation it has all been a lie. We had a couple of decent weeks but they too did not last. WS still sneaks around to see OM(other Men) Still carries and hides OM#3 cell phone etc.<p> I guess what I am trying to say Kev is there are no givens in this. You be the best Kev you can be. That is all you can do really. Shower her with love and affection, but don't smother her. Be fun to be around every chance you get. NEVER say a bad word about OM. <p> I wish you the best man. Keep us posted.<p> jd

Hi Kev ~<p>So what is your (you and your W's) plan for recovery?<p>I assume, since she is moving home...that you talked about HOW you plan to sort this out? Or is she coming home under the "we'll see what happens" thing?

Nothing insincere. Just casual. Not too jumpy. It is gonna be hard and moments of being uncomfortable will be there. Just knowing this will help. <p>Don't plan too much. Don't be too nice or sweet. Somehow the WS in recovery don't like too much sweets. <p>Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Be prepared for some waffling. Don't expect 100% participation. Know that there will still be sad moments. <p>Here's hoping for a good recovery. <p>L.

Kev,
It seems to me one of the first things you want to do, and discuss is the LB Questionnaire, to make sure you are not LB'ing.<p>This could open up a whole lot of discussion
"Wow! I never knew you got angry when I said/did that!?"<p>I can't really help much, since my WH is still aboard the mothership, without any hint that it will ever circle our hemisphere again. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I hear you, JD. That's been one of the biggest fears that I have, that it's all a lie. But she's been pretty open about all of this. Make no mistake, this is NOT recovery. It's very much what BrambleRose said...."wait and see."<p>I expect very little, but I hope for much. I've gotten some conflicting signs about all of this, but I guess I wouldn't expect much else. I know this is terribly hard on her.<p>We've covered the LB and EN Q's. I pretty much knew what the LBs were, but her #1 is going to be the hardest for me to avoid because I often don't even realize that I'm doing it. The ENQ was a little encouraging. With the exception of 1, our top 5 ENs are the same (somewhat different order). So it's not like I'll have to try to do something completely foreign to me in order to meet her EN.<p>Pray for us, guys & gals!<p>Kev

Kev,
Good Morning, did you get ANY sleep last night? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
I was going to suggest that you do the questionaires (sp?) but it sound like you have that one covered. So she WANTS to move back in. YEAH!!! Conversation will just happen. Like everyone says, avoid LB'ing. You are already commited to Plan A, so you are comfortable with those aspects already. It may seem awkward at first, but I think the two of you will find the niche that suits you both. It seems to me that you have been able to talk about a lot of hard stuff already. That is wonderful! That was the beginning of recovery for Bill and I. It was just a bit different for us in that I had already instituted no contact BEFORE we entered recovery. I heard you, this isn't true recovery (YET ::fingers crossed:: [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ). But still, it is the first step.
What did you do with your time before A? All those same likes and interests are still there right? See what SHE wants to do. The first few hours or days may seem odd. But it will feel comfortable again. It will feel DIFFERENT, but still comfortable. You two have changed and so your relationship has as well. It may take a few days for that to "gel".
Be assured that what BOTH of you are feeling is NORMAL!!!!! I can only speak for me and how I felt...I was scared, nervous and felt like I was under scrutiny at times. I just had to keep reminding myself that I put some of that there and just relax Louise and breathe. For us it was a bit different because of the girls. Life had to keep going in a forward motion with a 6 and 7 year old!
We found ourselves talking about things we already knew about each other. But now it felt "new".
So take time, relax, BREATHE, enjoy life. Just be you, she loves you. YOU love YOU! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Keep in touch...

Good luck KEV,<p>It will be awkward, but I know you will do well. Just be you. She is going to have to go through her "steps of emotions too.<p>I found the hardest thing to get away from were the triggers...but as time goes by--they lesson too.<p>I wish you two the very best...think of all the wonderful years ahead of you. That is what you have to look at. There will be some uncomfortable moments...just try not to concentrate on them. <p>Gosh, I wish I was in your shoes. Pat

wow. that must be excellent... thanks, honey

Doesn't feel real excellent. She has a LOT of anger stored up, and I'm getting to be the target of it. I've asked, but we've established that I'm not to touch or hug, or even feel badly for her. I agreed to the first two, but told her that I love her and I DO feel badly for her.<p>I DON'T have her right where I want her (physically, yes.... emotionally, HELL NO!)<p>Now I'M mad and went for a drive. I feel like she doesn't deserve me any more. The "wonderful" OM aparently suggested to her that she come home and see, even to sleep with me. Hmmm, it's so easy to offer that when you've already won someone's heart, isn't it? Yeah, he must REALLY love her on an emotional, and spiritual, and some higher level if he's so eager to just give her body away like that. I wouldn't WANT for her to be intimate like that with me unless she loves me. Maybe I'm old fashioned or something, but sex is NOT only being physical to me....It's more emotional than physical to me. Does that make me a chick? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>See, now she's sorry that she was hateful. She didn't say it, but I think she is. <p>
This is going to be VERY, INCREDIBLY, NEARLY IMPOSSIBLY HARD<p>You guys take care, and your prayers are definitely appreciated.<p>Kev

kev,<p>How was the drive? Did you go out by the river and look out? I would've, I like the Lake Manawa bridge.<p>It's going to be hard, you knew that!! And you know that you will be the target of her anger, that she has with her self. Don't let the OM be any part of a converation the two of you are having, he doesn't belong in your marriage.<p>If I remember correctly she did not write a no contact letter, right? Think she needs to, as she can't have him waiting in the wings "IF" it doesn't work out. Am not sure how you go about doing that without it being a major LB.<p>Keep posting here and keep taking those drives if you need to as long as neither are an LB to her.<p>We are here for you and continue to pray with you for a healthy recovery to your marriage.<p>Dawn

Hi Kev,<p>Wow ... was pleasantly surprised to learn your W came home. Sounds like first couple days have been rough, but I'm sure you expected it.<p>I would say just "be there" for her, no discussion of OM, no LBs (of course), no talking about the relationship unless she initiates it - after all, talking about relationships can take away time from "being" in a relationship. No pressing her for anything, Kev. Give her the space and time she requests, if she makes her way to you then give her all your attention and then some.<p>What you're doing is walking a fine line of caring enough to give her the space she needs, but at the same time intuitively being there whenever and as soon as she needs you. I know you have it in you to be successful, you just need to exercise patience and time.<p>What Lostva (success story) use to say is she just did the little things for her WH once he was home, small things that he liked and only she knew what those things were. She never let up, she kept at it until he started to notice that she CARED enough to know him so well to do those personal, loving small things. <p>I know what she was talking about because that's what my xH use to do too, and it's those things that I now remember (20+ years of them), those small things that he did just for me, that only he would know and care enough to do.<p>Keep us updated on your progress, even the vents cuz we care.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hey Kevco:<p>Just curious how things are going. I see that now she has agreed to move back and let you try to meet her ENs. I know this is good news but I also very much understand your own sense of indignation. The fact is, you have a lot of resentments built up that will need to be addressed. I think it is normal for the BS to feel the WS is not good enough for them at some point. I felt this way numerous times.<p>Based on your statement that the OM somewhat encouraged her to move back with you and even consented to her being intimate with you, it is clear to me that this "relationship" with OM is doomed. Please let us know what happens with your W. Keep up the good Plan A.

Hey Kev,
Just wanted you to know that I continue to pray for you and Jill. Try very hard to just "be" there for her. No relationship talks, unless she initiates. Ask God for strength and patience and CONTENTMENT, right where you are today. She's home, Kev. I would give ANYTHING to go back to that first time/day my H came home and do things differently. I badgered him about the A, how much it hurt me, etc. My H was lying, granted, as he could never break from OW, but it might have been easier for him if he hadn't felt so threatened by me and what I ALWAYS wanted to talk about. My prayer is that God will truly turn Jill's heart back in the direction it needs to be in, towards you. God Bless, Kev!!<p>MOM

Kev,<p>Here's my advice. STAY FOCUSED ON YOU. Yes, you need to focus on her needs. But it sounds like you're second guessing yourself all over the place. Don't loose sight of what you've done, how you've grown. As long as you stay true to your love for her, you can and will be proud no matter what happens next. And the confidence will show, she'll see it!<p>God bless, good luck.

Thanks folks. I really DO appreciate your calming input!<p>DB- Nah, I went window shopping..... FOR A CD-RW [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Resilient- Time and patience- Check! Where can I buy some of those? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I'll have to give some thought to doing some nice, small things for her. I don't know if she's in a place to accept them, so I'll have to consider it. It's probably way too soon for anything much to matter, but we'll see.<p>RJ- I hope you're right, I truly do.<p>Mom- Thank you SO much for your prayers, I know that they'll help. Right back at ya, daily.<p>Wld- Thanks! I can already see that I haven't been fooling MYSELF with the changes that I've made. They're habit now, and I just DO stuff like I always should have. Hope that can bring a little trust back to our relationship. I haven't had an opportunity to not LB on her #1 (judgemental/ condescending talk)- well, maybe when we had the couple of heated (one sided) discussions, I don't know. I really hope that I can pass that test, you see that's one LB that I haven't been able to practice on, and so I'm not sure about it yet. Plus I don't even realize it sometimes.<p>
All- just a short update. Yesterday was better, no outbursts, no talk about "us," etc... We watched some good TV, had dinner, ran a couple of errands (though she thought I went to keep an eye on her), and did some online shopping for new clothes. Pretty much anything on the computer has been hard for us in the past...just different computing styles, and we usually ended up in a tiff, but not last night.<p>I want SO badly to just hold her and have her say that she loves me, but I know that I can't force either of those. I know that I just have to be, and work on, me. I've been doing that for a couple of months now, and I think I finally know who/where I want to be.....I just don't want to be there alone. <p>That's not neediness, or dependency; it's a desire to be the kind of partner that I promised to be a long time ago. It's a want to make things right, to make amends for MY mistakes. A desire to forgive, and to be forgiven. I want to take all that I've learned, the tools that I've acquired here, the growth that I know is coming, and share those with the one person that I truly love, my wife.<p>Thank you all!
Kev<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>

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Yea Kev!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Small step for progress but it is progress!!! I am glad she came home. Give it time Kev, time and patience. <p>Keep that prayer for a calm heart and a clear mind. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You & your W have made me smile. That is quite hard at 10:03pm and I am still at work waiting for this dumb report to post!!! arrrgh....<p>Take Care,
L.