6 weeks ago I discovered that my husband of 33 yrs had had an affair with a coworker sometime between 1993-1999. I discovered it all quite by accident. We have just moved out of state to a new home and in an attempt to unpack and put things away I came across a collection of cards, emails and gift receipts which left no doubt that he had had this affair. When he retired from a 28 yr career with a federal agency, he brought home with him about 30 file boxes of books, papers etc, which he wants to keep because he plans to write a book about his experience working for this agency. The box which had all of this evidence of his affair was falling apart and while we were putting things away one evening he mentioned that he would like to sort it out and put it all in another box. The next day I innocently discovered all of these things while trying to help him out. As part of my domestic duties I oftened sorted and organized our things. Up until that point I thought I knew this man and believed that he would never do such a thing. Anyway I conronted him with the evidence and he admitted that he had indeed had the affair, but had ended the sexual part of it in 1994( at this point I am not sure that I really believe the time frame he is telling me because there were receipts for gifts and emails dated after that, up through 1999). She moved from our area to an out of state location in 1995. I knew her briefly as someone he worked with and she sold real estate on the side. They had a common interest in real estate investment and she sold him a rental property in 1993. He says that he has not had any kind of contact with the her since 1999 when she called him just before he retired. (At that time he took a contract job in Brussels, Belgium and we went to Europe to live for a year.) When she called him the last time,he says that he told her that he wouldn't be around anymore, and that he had his family and she had hers. He has apologized profusly,said it was the most stupid thing he ever did and felt very guilty and disappointed in himself. He said that he never meant to hurt me and that he never stopped loving me. We have both cried many times in these past few weeks. I do believe that he is profoundly sorry for what he did and that he felt very guilty for that long of a time. Until I discoverd the truth, I would have never believed that he could or would do something like that. It is so out of character for someone like him. Most of our friends would consider him to be a cross between a workaholic and a boy scout. I did not recognize or maybe I didn't want to admit to the shortcomings of our marriage in the way of his need for sex and my need for affection. We have been trying to put our marriage back together. We have been reading and discussing Dr. Harley's books "Survivng an Affair" and "His Needs,Her Needs" and have found great consolation and direction in how to love one another again, the way we should have been doing in the first place. Anyway, THE BIG QUESTION WE HAVE IS WHETHER HE SHOULD WRITE TO THE OW AND TELL HER THAT HE HAS CONFESSED TO ME AND OUR KIDS AND THAT HE IS SORRY FOR HURTING US AND THAT HE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HER OR HER FAMILY EVER AGAIN. He doesn't feel comfortable doing this at this point since he hasn't had any contact with her for the past three years and he feels like it could stir up some trouble. Her daughter worked as an intern for him during the time and he has kept up a friendship with the daughter as well. I feel like he should write to her so that we can put it behind us. Our adult son also feels like his father should do this. We are going to burn together all of the stuff he saved. I have asked him why he saved all that horrible, incriminating evidence and he says he didn't want to throw it all away in this office for fear that someone would have discovered it and publicly embarassed him. Knowing him as well as I do, I can see where he would hang onto it for that reason. He also has been a bonafide workaholic all of our lives and usually has more to do than he ever has time. So I think in his continual haste he forgot. I would appreciate any thoughts or advice anyone who has been caught in this kind of horrible situation has to offer.

{{{Reeling}}} Big hugs coming your way. Welcome to MB. It sounds as if you've gotten a good start to recovering your marriage. Reading all the materials written by the Harleys will help you tremendously. Now you may get other opinions on this, but my opinion is that your H is right. Contacting OW at this point would not do you, him, or your children any good. If he hasn't had contact with her since 1999, WHY would you want him to contact her now? Don't bring up any old feelings he may or may not have. Your H decided in 1999 that it was over, if you've decided that you want to recover your marriage and you KNOW that the A is over, let it go. Just my opinion, and I'm sure you'll get others. Focus on yourself, your H and recovering your M. Let any thoughts of OW go; she's not worth it!<p>MOM

R,<p>I'm sorry for the pain and the situation you find yourself in. I agree with MoM. I do not think you should pursue a letter. You are asking your husband to do what he already did 3 years ago. Why open this back up again? Nothing good will come out of this. The A is over and done long ago. You need to focus on strengthening your marriage. The OW is insignificant to you and your marriage. Don't focus on what happened 3 years ago...look to the future with your husband.