I am having a hard time dealing with a lot of what my wife (WS) has been saying lately. Are there any BS who can comment on their experiences. I have heard a lot lately from my wife. Such as...<p>- I am attracted to taller men
- You are too hairy
- I never smoked pot before because of you. So I smoke it now.
- Pot helps me sleep
- You can't get addicted to pot
- I wish you wouldn't care so much and quit trying so hard
- If it was up to me I wouldn't be living with you right now. I would be living off with my friends.
- I like to drink, so what. I have been drunk before and I will get drunk next time. I have thrown up before and I was ok. I will throw up again and still be ok.
- I feel the way I do and I don't know if that is going to change.
- I don't like being questioned about anything.
- You control me too much (this I disagree on because I haven't said or done anything to try and control her since Plan A'ing. The only thing I did say was about the pot being in the house and to be careful with it. I have worked on this not controlling her in my plan A)
- I am uncomfortable being around you.
- I don't want you thinking things are normal again. (What a joke normal. She has not been anything near normal for the past three months. I am just plan A'ing and she doesn't like it.)<p>I need some help on dealing with this almost every other day. It is a lot and I am trying my best. I am affraid I will make a LB soon. I am seeking out someone who has been there and can give me some pointers on how to deal with all of this. The pot doesn't bother me but when she wants to do it every two days or so or everytime she goes out with friends. Well it does bother me because I see it as she is smoking away our relationship. If I was controlling her I would of thrown out the pot and her pipe. So I don't think I am trying to control her I am just having a hard time with the relationship and then on top of it you throw in the pot. UGH!!!
Any suggestions? Any help?
We are suppose to see the counselor together (first time together) on Saturday which I think is going to be a flop. My wife doesn't want to be any where near the relationship now. What the counselor says is probably going to go in one ear and out the other ear on my wife.

I know how tough it is. My H started drinking heavily and smoking pot when he was in his A. Said it made him feel better, helped him sleep etc. That was kind of funny because he was extremely depressed and could easily sleep 12 hours, be up for 2 and then take a 4 hour nap without drugs or alcohol. But it was self medicating, and it sounds like that is what your wife is doing. Unfortunately a depressant like alcohol only makes things worse, but a person in that state can't usually see it that way. OW was really into hanging out in bars & smoking pot so I guess he was just adopting her hobbies. He also took up chain smoking and he used to be one of those people who couldn't STAND cigarette smoke. I didn't try to stop him or make a big scene about it, I just mentioned occasionally that I was concerned about his health and safety and if he decided he wanted any help I was there for him. It seemed to fall on deaf ears "I am fine, I don't need any help" until one day he called me and asked me to help to find him a Dr. to see because he was realizing he was depressed.

First off... you can't educate them... and no critical judgments...<p>WW: I am attracted to taller men nothing... and no rolling of eyes or anything that remotely smacks of judging
- You are too hairy same as above
- I never smoked pot before because of you. So I smoke it now. ditto
- Pot helps me sleep ditto
- You can't get addicted to pot ditto
- I wish you wouldn't care so much and quit trying so hard ditto
- If it was up to me I wouldn't be living with you right now. I would be living off with my friends. I can't control you. Only you can decide where you want to live.
- I like to drink, so what. I have been drunk before and I will get drunk next time. I have thrown up before and I was ok. I will throw up again and still be ok. I can't control you. Only you can decide what behaviors are appropriate for you.
- I feel the way I do and I don't know if that is going to change. no response
- I don't like being questioned about anything. IF you are questioning her STOP... it is going to push her away...NO relationship talks!!! NO "How do you feel today" talks! Keep conversation light and about ordinary, everyday things... if you haven't been questioning her... don't say anything)
- You control me too much (this I disagree on because I haven't said or done anything to try and control her since Plan A'ing. The only thing I did say was about the pot being in the house and to be careful with it. I have worked on this not controlling her in my plan A) anything you do or say will be regarded as a way to manipulate or control... just recognize YOU can't control her thoughts or feelings and LET IT GO...
- I am uncomfortable being around you. say nothing
- I don't want you thinking things are normal again. (What a joke normal. She has not been anything near normal for the past three months. I am just plan A'ing and she doesn't like it.) I don't want things to be 'normal' either... if you are refering to the way things used to be. STOP. <p>just my humble opinion... most of what they are saying is a test... to prove if your walking your talk... some of it is guilt... they know what they are saying is ridiculous... but they want you to agree or reiterate it so they can be mad at you... so don't... don't repeat it and don't respond... let what they say ECHO in their own ears...<p>Cali

ditto cali - a good, thorough answer. All BSs have heard similar stuff with only the details changed. It's all very typical WS script stuff.<p>As hard as it may be, the best course for you, in addition to what Cali has already stated, is for YOU to let most of this stuff go in one ear and out the other. Try not to take it personally and believe us when we say she's following the predicted behavior. You are experiencing the same frustrations other BSs have experienced and your situation does not sound unique.<p>Now about the pot. If she's keeping it in your house you may be taking a HUGE risk. It's your home, too, and you may be accused of possession if she gets caught. I'm no expert on this, so maybe others can advise you better, but you may have to deal with this aspect separately from the relationship things.<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

One thing I have found out and have read alot on the BB's is that the WS says and does things that is so not them... I think they try to hurt our feelings (and yes, they do) by doing and saying the mean things. I know it has to be because of the fog... and they don't want the guilt. The WS will bring up meaningless crap from the past but use it in away to say how unhappy they are or how they really didn't love us...blah,blah,blah.<p>Another good book to read is ...love must be tough by James Dobson. <p>visit other websites too... just gather info and post and vent on the boards... don't listen to her saying things like you're too hairy.... my gosh... were you not hairy before she married you! It didn't seem to bother her then....and the POT thing...Yikes...so now she smokes pot... well, isn't that something to be proud of.... if she nees help sleeping there are sleeping pills out there.... and if she really didn't want to be there.....you're not chaining her to the wall to keep he there. In the dobson book anything you say her to know is falling on deaf ears....<p>I think to myself one day... ALLLLLL the WS will wake up and see how mean they were to the BS.
Shame on them....<p>Keep your chin up and keep doing the plan a.
Know in the long run it will help you in all aspects of your life. I know this is hard... at times you want to scream, throw something or even see a glimmer of hope that maybe you're getting through to them... Remember plan a is about you...but not to be a doormat. <p>Blessings,
s

This is classic WS talk.....just look at it. It contridicts everything in the way they were before the A.<p>- I am attracted to taller men
((since when?)) <p>- You are too hairy
((did that ever bother her before?))<p>- I never smoked pot before because of you. So I smoke it now.
((was it a matter of respect...or control?))<p>- Pot helps me sleep
((they make sleeping pills...they're sold over the counter and aren't as expensive.....or...um.....ILLEGAL.))<p>- You can't get addicted to pot
((ask my aunt...my brother...my sister...yes you can.))<p>- I wish you wouldn't care so much and quit trying so hard
((I'm pretty sure this means...you're making me feel guilty because I'm not in a position to try as hard as you are yet.))<p>- If it was up to me I wouldn't be living with you right now. I would be living off with my friends.
((the choice is hers and she knows that. guilt trip.))<p>- I like to drink, so what. I have been drunk before and I will get drunk next time. I have thrown up before and I was ok. I will throw up again and still be ok.
((this one I don't get....throwing up, falling down....not remembering anything is a good time? you spend money to feel like crap?))<p>- I feel the way I do and I don't know if that is going to change.
((it won't until she wants it too.))<p>- I don't like being questioned about anything.
((this one pretty much means.....I don't like to have to decide whether I'm going to have to lie or tell the truth.))<p>- You control me too much (this I disagree on because I haven't said or done anything to try and control her since Plan A'ing. The only thing I did say was about the pot being in the house and to be careful with it. I have worked on this not controlling her in my plan A)
((hmm.....if you controlled her too much then how the heck was she able to pull off having an A?))<p>- I am uncomfortable being around you.
((funny.....you're the same person she was comfortable enough to marry.))<p>- I don't want you thinking things are normal again. (What a joke normal. She has not been anything near normal for the past three months. I am just plan A'ing and she doesn't like it.)
((there is really no such thing as "normal".....but if there was.....things would never be that way again anyway.))<p>Everything.....and I mean everything your WS has said has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the way she feels....and there is nothing you can do to change the way she feels about anything.
I know this will be hard....but it can be done. Let it all roll off of you for now.....but as I said in another response to you. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you are not willing to put up with.

Dear Confused Guy,<p>I have heard similiar versions of everything on your list. That is what pot does to a pot smokers brain. <p>I am going to reiterate, your W is not going to be able to do ANYTHING to fix the marriage while she is still smoking. My H told me that while he was smoking that he KNEW all that he was doing was wrong but he simply could not do anything to change or fix the siutation. He felt guilty and that guilt led him to smoke even more pot. Pot clouds the thought process and makes you apathetic. Did you read the links I posted?<p>I was in denial too for YEARS. I could have researched pot anytime and found out what it does to the brain but I choose not too. That is until my H had an A. That was rock bottom for me. I should have done it alot sooner.<p>You are wasting your time and efforts trying to repair your marriage as long as you W is still using. She cannot help herself while under the influence of pot. You cannot make her stop either, she has to decide that for herself. You have two choices here, give her an ultimatum or learn to live with it and go about your business doing what makes you happy. You are beating your head against the wall here thinking that you can fix things BEFORE she gets help for her addiction.<p>There is a section here on MB where Harley makes it very clear that a marriage cannot be fixed as long as there is an addiction present. Then adiction must be addressed BEFORE recovery and rebuilding of the marriage can begin. You can find this by doing a search here on MB, keyword "addiction"

Daisy,
I did read the links that you posted. I understand a lot of what pot does to someone. However when I try to talk to her about it without making any LB's. I get the same crap over and over that pot isn't addicting like other drugs. That pot isn't this, pot isn't that...etc.. Now she is saying that I said it was ok for her to smoke pot. What she took out of the conversation that we had and she forgot the rest was that I said if smoking pot once in a blue moon made her happy then do it. I told her not to use that as an excuse on why she is doing what she is doing to our marriage. I never said smoke pot everyday that she can't sleep or everytime she goes out. I might as well be talking to the wall because she doesn't want to hear anything. She will keep smoking pot until she is either busted at work or by the police. In all honesty I am tired of her smoking pot and drinking as her answers.<p>I agree with everyone that as long as there is an addiction she is going to sit high on that fence drinking and smoking. I wish I could take away the addiction but there is no such luck. Everything she plans involves going out with people and drinking. Everytime out she talks about smoking up when she is out. I am tired of beating my head against the wall. Does anyone want to come shake my wife a little or knock her off the fence?
In my best way I have tried for the most part to let all of this go. I am doing ok with all of it. It just bothers me because I am concerned for her health and care about her. Nobody likes to just sit back and let someone else they love wash themself up. I know it has to happen. My wife called in sick today for work and I will bet she will be smoking up awhile I am gone.
Sometimes I wish I could video tape my wife for what she says and what she does so some day in the future she can see what I did during all of this. I told her yesterday I am staying out of this conversation (pot). I told her one day if that be five years from now that I will tell her how I felt and that is why I was doing what I was doing (Plan A).<p>This is hard, real hard. Thanks for the help, advice, and support...

Dear Confused Guy,<p>I can see that you have gone through the MB site and understand all about plan A and LB`s. The problem is that (and Dr. Harley spells this out) the MB method does not work when there is an addiction present. The addiction has to be dealt with first. <p>You can plan A and avoid LB`s till the cows come home but you are not going to reap the benefits. Your W cannot see nor accept what you are doing. <p>Have you heard of tough love? Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to pull the rug out from underneath them. <p>You and your W sound so much like my H and I. I also had given up hope that he was ever going to change. I had resigned myself to a miserable existence. The A was the last straw. We went round and round just like you are doing with your W about pot. I was also told by my H that he was only smoking once in awhile. After a couple of years I saw the signs of his addiction but since I had no proof there wasn`t much I could do about it (or so I thought) NOW he admits that yes he was smoking alot he did stretches that he was smoking everyday. He admits to so many things now that he spent years denying. He had me almost convinced that I was crazy. Pot did that to him.

You may want to look into modifying your Plan A the way I did with the Last Resort Technique from The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. I wrote about what I'm doing these threads on the Recovery board: New and Improved Plan A, and Update on LRT modification of Plan A. You can do a search on my member number and find them pretty easily.<p>I have found that it is pointless to try to get through to someone in this state. I think it's better to detach and let the natural consequences unfold. You truly are powerless over her substance abuse, and you may want to try Al-Anon or similar groups. However, I also have concern about possible legal consequences to you as a result of drugs in your house.<p>BTW, I (and many women) LOVE hairy men !!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Very masculine IMO.

what sensible advice all round just one thing that wasnt mentioned that maybe worth a thought .She sounds like she needs professional help, it looks to me as if she has unresolved issues from earlier times.

<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: H2O ]</p>

please look up and try alanon in your city, there are free meetings daily, it really helps. I too, have a drinking and pot smoking spouse, and am working to get him to stop... I know how hard it is... there are lots of people in your boat... please try at least 6 alanon meetings. I understand, loving someone so much you can put up with it... but while they do this... you can plan a and detach... you need alanon... I hope you find a meeting today, there is an online meeting(s) if you search on the net for it... you will find it... <p>I am sorry you are in this situation, feel free to email me anytime... lisaannsmail@yahoo.com I know how difficult this is. IT is heartbreaking to watch someone you love destroy themselves and your marriage through escapism... which depresses them more.. Research pot and alcohol more.<p>Hugs, HONEY

I take exception to the WS being thought of as some temporarily insane person who has joined the ranks of society's lowest form of life. <p>Confused Guy...your wife sounds like she has issues. Think about it...what reasonable, emotionally healthy person enjoys drinking until they throw-up and wants to get high all the time...sounds like she is trying to escape. It has been my experience that when people try to escape by numbing themselves...they most likely are unhappy. Often times unhappy and depressed people do silly things to themselves because they don't care what happens to them. Anything is better than the emptiness they feel inside.<p>I often felt like that in my marriage. I was desperately unhappy, tried many times to tell my ex, but it fell on deaf ears. I didn't smoke pot, I just because so busy with work and community stuff I had no time left to face the emptiness of my own life. After awhile I just couldn't pretend anymore...I started writing to someone online who told me I was a person worthy of love and affection. No, I didn't engage in an A with this person, but it got me thinking. Some would say I was the WS...because at that moment I decided I didn't want the marriage I had. My ex used to really annoy me if he made refrences that I was reckless, having a MLC, etc. The only reckless thing I did was stand up for myself after 16 years...