It was my DD's 3rd birthday yesterday. WS did not phone or ask what we were going to do - this after promising me that he wants to be part of birthday parties etc.......<p>I went ahead with party and took DD and friends to an entertainment centre. Took photo's and will will send it to WS. It was very sad because she kept on asking when her daddy was coming.<p>At one stage during the day I wanted to phone him but kept myself from doing that. I have reached the stage where I feel I have extended enough and now it is up to him.<p>WS spoke to eldest D this morning whilst birthday girl was still sleeping. No excuse for not phoning. Also dicussed with 9yo DD finances regarding schooling and told her to tell me. I've given him a list about a month ago regarding their requirements now two days before school starts he want to send the money and then I must run around to find uniforms etc......<p>I am feeling miserable and depressed. I cannot take off from work as I am too busy. Sometimes I feel like just running away from everything.<p>How do I deal with this - must I phone him and ask for money (then it is me phoning again)or do I just ignore everything and carry on.

Ginny -- I must say that from your posts that both you and your husband are doing a poor job of keeping your children protected from the effects of your separation.<p>A nine year old CHILD should not be made to convey financial messages between parents. A nine year old CHILD should not be asked to lie or hide informtion. You both must STOP putting her in the middle.<p>It sounds as if you are in Plan B Ginny -- but your CHILD should not be your intermediary. Find a responsible ADULT to act as your third party. And if that is not possible, then YOU will have to work out a system of Voice mail/E-mail/or written communications.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Ginny -- I must say that from your posts that both you and your husband are doing a poor job of keeping your children protected from the effects of your separation. <hr></blockquote><p>Lexxy, I must stand up for Ginny here! My x does the same thing all the time...he simply refuses to discuss things with me like an adult (because he's not man enough to face any objections I might have) and always makes the kids go betweens. I have asked over and over, even telling my d that she should refer him to me but then that puts her in the middle again. It's an ugly situation.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> How do I deal with this - must I phone him and ask for money (then it is me phoning again)or do I just ignore everything and carry on <hr></blockquote>Well, of course, he wants you to call and beg...it just pisses me off when they hold US financial hostages over THEIR obligations. Since he feels the 9yr old is old enough to be involved in the financial business, I'd have her call him and tell him she needs the money. My x actually pawned my d's playstation and was not happy when she called him out on it. I hate that she was in that but she was being lied to about its whereabouts and wanted to bring it home. (my new h bought it for her as a gift). I tell ya, they have some balls sometimes. He finally had to admit to her that yes, he had taken her belongings and misused them for his own benefit and then lied to her about it. I loved it.

GinnyF --<p>Yes, it hurts to have your WS ignore the birthday; it hurts you and your DD and the family unit...and it really hurts him too (he just doesn't realize it yet). <p>I'm sorry that your relationship continues to cause you and your daughters pain. There aren't any quick or easy answers here; you've just got to get through it in the best way you can, for your children and for yourself. You need to be a real survivor with your strength ("I have extended enough") and determination and staying power. <p>Of course you have times when you feel "like just running away from everything." I certainly share those times with you and have felt that way myself; but you haven't acted on them and you won't, for all the right and good reasons. <p>"Must I phone and ask for money?" -- IMHO, if it's not forthcoming, I see nothing wrong to phone a reminder--or email--or letter. I know you feel as though you shouldn't HAVE to remind him but it may be necessary--make the call short and sweet, no chit-chat, a business contact only. Besides, you need it for school stuff and uniforms.<p>BTW, I agree with Lexxxy: keep the children out of the middle, especially with financial issues. That's not where they should be at all and it's not the kind of contact that gives them anything substantial. <p>Ginny, you have to hang in and get through this. What can you do to help yourself the most right now? What can you do to help you to feel better? One thing is to post often on this BB and keep us informed. We do care about you and we really want to help you all that we can. Our support and suggestions are here for you whenever you need them--use us!<p>Ammon

Thanks for the response:-<p>I have asked my WS on many occasions not to discuss any matters with our D. This is falling on deaf ears. Because he is in daily contact with them via cell phone he automatically convey messages regarding visitation rights and money matters to them. To protect my D, I have gone to the extend of communicating through my attorneys. (Very expensive) - Regarding school fees etc, attorneys notified him about all expenses a month in advance.<p>I've decided to phone him today and ask him about the money. <p>Plan B is being forced on me by my WS as he is the one that don't want to have any contact with me. "to protect his privacy" . I've started Plan A about two weeks ago. Changed my attitude, showing respect towards him which I have lost. I have also apologized to him for all angry outburst, defamation of character etc..... I think he is now at the stage where he is waiting to see if I meant what I said. <p>Since discovering MB I am also getting insight into what is happening on his side. I have let go and let God. For now I am concentrating on myself and what I want and also taking steps towards healing myself. Through healing myself, I can help with the healing of my children. The only thing I give them now is lots of love, affection and understanding.

GinnyF --<p>Just checking in on you to see how you're doing. Thanks for your update! You've done more than a few strong and solid things recently to move this along and to protect and help yourself and your daughters. <p>You are doing good things for your family, sound things and caring things and what's right and smart. You're learning, reading, searching for answers and understanding, and you're continuing to post here so that we can stay involved with you. You are not alone in this mess; we are here for you. You seem to have your head on straight through it all.<p>"Let go and let God" is a wonderful philosophy-- words to live by! It acknowledges that we really can't do this by ourselves; it's way too big, and it speaks to acceptance and releasing and living in the moment. <p>What was your H's response when you phoned him? That call took some courage but probably was necessary to jump-start the finances.<p>Keep up with your Plan "A" work and continue following that script--no LB's, etc. See what happens with it. If you think that he's waiting to see if you can sustain it, show him that you can!<p>Your daughters and you deserve extra portions of "love, affection, and understanding" for all you're going through. Hang in there and know that we're with you. Please post again and keep in touch.<p>Ammon

sounds like h is deep in fog... it is great if there is anyway.. you can find to mke enough money without him and use what he sends as extra on top... it can be for shcool uniforms, but buy them first and save his money... i know it is hard, and you may not be there yet...but try and you might find a way. HONEY