First let me preempt this as I have posted this on another board. However most responses were from OW. I am curious to hear how the BS's POV. Mind you if I disclose said info, it is not to hurt her - it is so she doesn't ask me later how I could work w/ her etc. and not tell her.<p>Hi all. For those of you who are familliar w/ my story I am in a relationship w/ MM #2 that emotionally began in April and became physical on June 20, 2001. MM #1 affair emoionally began in September or so and became physical January 23, 2001. These are my only 2 EMRS and will for sure be the LAST!!! Anyway, once I became involved w/ MM#2, I broke off all physical intimacy w/ MM#1. In fact, I told MM#1 I loved MM#2, before I told MM #2.
Last night I was in the tub getting ready for work. As I had worked a double that day I was very tired and tryibg to wake up SLOWLY. I had all the lights off and had the candles lit. I have a huge tub surrounded by mirrors. As I was coming out of the water I saw a shadow in mirror. I knew it was too big to be my son. Turns out it was MM#1. My son had took the garbage out earlier and apparently left the front door unlocked. This was around 11 p.m. MM#1 was standing there holding my daughter just watching me. I screamed (natural reaction, not fear per say). This woke my 8-year-old daughter. She adores MM#1 as he took up a lot of time w/ her throughout the relationship. I asked him how he got in and why was he there? He states he misses me and wanted to "check on me". Mind you he sees me almost daily as he, his W, my new MM and I all work together although he (MM#1) is on a different shift than the 3 of us. Less than 2 weeks ago I had a huge fight w/ MM#1 about MM#2 and other things. I told him (for the umpteenth time) NOT to ever come back or I'd tell his wife all. MM#1 says he can't accept my new relationship as the man is married. So were you I say. He states yes, but I love you and will leave. Over the last year he did this on 4 occassions. I always sent him home as I was never in love w/ MM#2. Could it be that he wants me to tell his wife so she'll throw him out or what? Several people suggested taking a police report or restaraining order out. However, we all work at a prison and to do so would jeopardize all our carreers. MM#2 was initially against me telling #1's Wife. Last night he said to go ahead. However, if I do this it will be tension filled at work not to mention wife may take info to Warden. I just bought this place 5 months ago, short of moving, what can I do??? Should I fear MM#1 as MM#2 says??? What is it MM#1 wants? Please advise.
I have been going over this situation for many months in my mind. If you recall my story I am w/ a new MM (only second EMR, not a pattern, and will be my LAST). XMM still comes to house etc. and we remain close on an emotional level. In fact, he spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night here - he was off and I called in. XMM's wife also works at same place I do. She works same shift as I do but we have different cards. So, Friday night she had to work but was off rest of the weekend as was her H. I have no idea what he tells her when he is off like he was this past weekend. I know for a fact he did not call her once. I told him he should. We go to stores, out to eat, etc. As I said I work w/ wife. Had not worked w/ her prior to our involvement. She has not indicated she knows about us. He, XMM, said she does know. My Lt. says she knows. Everyone at work knew he and I were involved. I don't see how she couldn't know. Except she is ultra nice to me. No cattiness at all.
When she first came to shift I avoided her like the plague. This was kind of hard though as I am her supervisor on occasssion when she is in my unit. Her first night on our shift was back when I was still intimate w/ her H. He made me several hours late to work that night. The Central Officer advised me she had kept calling her house. He wasn't home as he was w/ me. I'll never forget walking down the hall and runining in to her. I was wondering if she knew etc. I felt guilty and ashamed. Shortly thereafter, I became involved w/ new MM and broke off physical relationship w/ her husband. He still comes over etc. I let him as new MM doesn't have nearly as much time. XMM bonded w/ my kids and I feel they need him, esp. my daughter.
Sometimes I feel so guilty. When XMM"s wife and I work together she is nice. We are friendly, we talk, and we share a lot of the same views. We have even ate out together. I don't want to hurt her. Yet, I am not willing to keep XMM from coming over. At one point I made this effort but he wasn't abiding by my rule. The only reason I asked him to stop coming over was to appease new MM. I have now decided that new MM can not dictate my life and I will have company when and if I get ready. I am not callous, cruel, or out to hurt XMM"s wife. Sometimes though I want to tell her. This may seem strange. I want to tell her not to break her and XMM up - because the only reason he is not w/ me is because I send him home etc. I just feel she doesn't deserve the treatment he gives her. I also think that if and when the truth comes out she is going to look at me and feel doubly betrayed. I know if it was me I'd want to know and I wouldn't care who it was that told me. I don't try to be around her, but our job makes it inevitable. We work third shift so there is a lot of time to talk etc. Maybe I have gotten really good at compartmentalizing, but I don't want to stop her husband from coming around, but I also enjoy her and our talks. Like I said I keep thinking how will she feel if she finds out. I have told XMM if she were to ever ask I would tell her the truth, the whole truth. I don't know why he cheats. I feel she is a nice person.
What is your opinion. Right or wrong as I have said I am not going to stop him from coming over. He satisfies many needs my kids and I have. Is it wrong for me not to tell her or make him tell her. He won't tell her because she will throw him out and he knows he can't live here. I just feel she is going to look at me one day and say why didn't I tell her. She has to know something. I can't imagine where he tells her he goes. This has not been the first weekend he has spent here. I never ask him what he tells her. I don't go out of my way to be around her, but we spend a lot of time together at work. If I were her I'd want to know. I don't want to break them up at all. All contact is initiated by him. I don't phone him or email him. In a weird way I am hoping to actually help their relationship, or at least absolve myself of part of the responcibility of the failure of their relationship. I just want to avoid her looking at me one day and asking why?
I keep imagining a scene where I give her full disclosure and we are sitting there chatting amicably. I am giving her advice etc. She is thanking me for being honest. And in the end we all end up friends. He still is there for my kids, I babysit for them so they can have dates to improve their relationship, we all still work together etc. I know, I'm dreaming. Unsure if this makes any sense. What do you think? Please let me know.
My XMM always took his off (never asked him why) when he was with me. XMM still spends time w/ me. Two weeks ago he came over complaining about my current MM - how he wasn't good enough for me etc. etc. I said well you are married too. He took off his ring and threw it in my yard and said f@@@ my marriage and f@@@ my wife. He then left. My little girl found the ring and gave it to me. I made him wait several days to get it back. XMM spent this past Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night at my house. No ring. I have never paid any attention if new MM wears his ring or not. I know he has left his watch at my house before. The wearing of the ring isn't an issue to me. If they valued their marriage that much they wouldn't be cheating. The ring is just that a circular piece of metal.
Is it just married men who are careless, or is it all men??? Good thing I am not one of those women who is interested in breaking up their relationships. They leave so much evidence behind. For example, XMM as I said stayed the weekend w/ us. He had no clothes w/ him and would not trust me to leave the house w/out him. So as I washed his clothes he was wearing one of my nightgowns. We had the music blaring and he and I were dancing w/ the kids. My little girl began taking pictures. I have since had them developed. How would he ever explain this to his wife??? Not to mention his missing ring. I work w/ his wife. I could have given it to her. How would he explain that? Are they that trusting of us, that naive', or do they just not give a damn if the affair is discovered? Or is it only my MM who behaves like this? Not to mention the gifts, cards (in their handwriting), phone calls, etc. <p>To all Bs on this board. I come in peace. I am really just curious on your take on this situation. If you were my MM#1's W would you want me to tell you???

I think that you need are headed towards personal disaster for both yourself and your kids.<p>I am completely appalled by your story - not because I am sitting in judgement, but because you so obviously do not have any self-respect or self-love. <p>I would urge you to seek counseling and/or help from a local minister or pastor to sort out all of your issues and to help guide you in future life choices.

BrambleRose,
First, thank you for you response but it does not answer the ? Would you want to know?<p>Second,
but because you so obviously do not have any self-respect or self-love.
I have a lot of self love and respect. I know I am an educated, intelligent, compassionate, and loving individual.

OMG..... I feel very badly for the wives' of both of the MM'en. You are involved in two affairs right now. An emotional one and a physical one. One of these days, one of the MM is going to blow and the entire sorted story is going to become public. It sounds like things are getting very tense. All three of you may very well loose your jobs as well as anyone who conspired to help you pull this off. <p>As for MM#1 coming over.. you are giving a mixed message. You don't want him too, you've told him not to, but you want him to be involved with you and your kids. No wonder he's confused.<p>"I am not callous, cruel, or out to hurt XMM"s wife."<p>Really? You could have fooled me. You have already hurt her beyond belief. She may or may not know the particulars but you can bet she is wondering what is going on in her marriage and no one has the character to tell her. My heart breaks for her. Not only is her husband cheating on her, but her 'friend' and her supervisor is too. Since you are her supervisor, even if she does know, she has to keep a 'friendly' face towards you. After all you've already taken her husband, you are in a position to take her job (her only independence) too.<p>As for should you tell her? Someone should tell her. If I were she I'd want to know, no matter who it comes from. She is going to hate you no matter who it comes from. Not only is her husband lying to her, but just about everyone she knows is helping to keep the lie.<p>As for your fairlytail about helping MM#1's marriage recover. I'll tell you the same thing I told one of my H's XOW... "I see no benefit to my marriage coming from the very person who had an affair with my H. Your motives would be less then pure. You have already caused enough damage. Please leave us alone."<p>As for you job. It sounds to me like this entire thing is about to blow sky high. If I were you I'd find another job post haste.<p>Someone should tell your MM#2's wife too.<p>By the way, 2 does make a pattern. <p>I fear that you are going to take this a me flaming you. I am not, this is the tip of my honest reaction to the story you just told.<p>I am curious.. why do you think your relationships with these men is ok? Why do you think they are healthy for your kids?

.... you so obviously do not have any self-respect or self-love. <p>I see this too. Why? Because you have set yourself up to be used by at least these two men. And you have set your self up for a terrible fall on your job. What is your position relative to these two men? Are they your supervisors? coworkers? or subordinates? <p>If/when this breaks, you will probably loose all that you have worked for. If I were one of the wives, I'd be at an attorney's office the day I found out about this. Why? Because everyone at the facility knows what is going on but me. The circumstance has made it impossible for me to make a living in my chosen field at my chosen employer. Once the law suite hit the courts, you'd be black listed by many potetial employers. Not only that, but you, as a woman, are more likely to take the fall on this. It's just the way society works.<p>
...I am a.... compassionate,and loving individual.<p>To whom? The men who will show you attention and your children? What about the wives and families of these men. A compassionate and loving individual strives first to do no harm to ANYONE.<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

I come in peace too, and I have a question: Why are you telling this story on a site that has betrayed spouses with their hearts and lives in shreads??? This is MARRIAGE BUILDERS. Are you building a marriage??<p>Since you asked a question, I will answer it for you:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SOW22MM:
<strong> If you were my MM#1's W would you want me to tell you???</strong><hr></blockquote><p>TELL! In fact, do everyone a favor and tell BOTH wives (as in ex-MM and current-MM).

Yes tell her.... tell both wives. They both deserve to know and to make their own choices in this mess.<p>
-----quoted from SOW22MM <p>First let me preempt this as I have posted this on another board. However most responses were from OW. I am curious to hear how the BS's POV. Mind you if I disclose said info, it is not to hurt her - it is so she doesn't ask me later how I could work w/ her etc. and not tell her.<p>Hi all. For those of you who are familliar w/ my story I am in a relationship w/ MM #2 that emotionally began in April and became physical on June 20, 2001. MM #1 affair emoionally began in September or so and became physical January 23, 2001. These are my only 2 EMRS and will for sure be the LAST!!! Anyway, once I became involved w/ MM#2, I broke off all physical intimacy w/ MM#1. In fact, I told MM#1 I loved MM#2, before I told MM #2.<p>Last night I was in the tub getting ready for work. As I had worked a double that day I was very tired and tryibg to wake up SLOWLY. I had all the lights off and had the candles lit. I have a huge tub surrounded by mirrors. As I was coming out of the water I saw a shadow in mirror. I knew it was too big to be my son. Turns out it was MM#1. My son had took the garbage out earlier and apparently left the front door unlocked. This was around 11 p.m.<p>MM#1 was standing there holding my daughter just watching me. I screamed (natural reaction, not fear per say). This woke my 8-year-old daughter. She adores MM#1 as he took up a lot of time w/ her throughout the relationship. I asked him how he got in and why was he there? He states he misses me and wanted to "check on me". Mind you he sees me almost daily as he, his W, my new MM and I all work together although he (MM#1) is on a different shift than the 3 of us. Less than 2 weeks ago I had a huge fight w/ MM#1 about MM#2 and other things. I told him (for the umpteenth time) NOT to ever come back or I'd tell his wife all. MM#1 says he can't accept my new relationship as the man is married. So were you I say. He states yes, but I love you and will leave. Over the last year he did this on 4 occassions. I always sent him home as I was never in love w/ MM#2. Could it be that he wants me to tell his wife so she'll throw him out or what? Several people suggested taking a police report or restaraining order out. However, we all work at a prison and to do so would jeopardize all our carreers. MM#2 was initially against me telling #1's Wife. Last night he said to go ahead. However, if I do this it will be tension filled at work not to mention wife may take info to Warden. I just bought this place 5 months ago, short of moving, what can I do??? Should I fear MM#1 as MM#2 says??? What is it MM#1 wants?<p>Please advise. <p>I have been going over this situation for many months in my mind. If you recall my story I am w/ a new MM (only second EMR, not a pattern, and will be my LAST). XMM still comes to house etc. and we remain close on an emotional level. In fact, he spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night here - he was off and I called in. XMM's wife also works at same place I do. She works same shift as I do but we have different cards. So, Friday night she had to work but was off rest of the weekend as was her H. I have no idea what he tells her when he is off like he was this past weekend. I know for a fact he did not call her once. I told him he should. We go to stores, out to eat, etc. As I said I work w/ wife. Had not worked w/ her prior to our involvement. She has not indicated she knows about us. He, XMM, said she does know. My Lt. says she knows. Everyone at work knew he and I were involved. I don't see how she couldn't know. Except she is ultra nice to me. No cattiness at all. <p>When she first came to shift I avoided her like the plague. This was kind of hard though as I am her supervisor on occasssion when she is in my unit. Her first night on our shift was back when I was still intimate w/ her H. He made me several hours late to work that night. The Central Officer advised me she had kept calling her house. He wasn't home as he was w/ me. I'll never forget walking down the hall and runining in to her. I was wondering if she knew etc. I felt guilty and ashamed. Shortly thereafter, I became involved w/ new MM and broke off physical relationship w/ her husband. He still comes over etc. I let him as new
MM doesn't have nearly as much time. XMM bonded w/ my kids and I feel they need him, esp. my daughter.

Sometimes I feel so guilty. When XMM"s wife and I work together she is nice. We are friendly, we talk, and we share a lot of the same views. We have even ate out together. I don't want to hurt her. Yet, I am not willing to keep XMM from coming over. At one point I made this effort but he wasn't abiding by my rule. The only reason I asked him to stop coming over was to appease new MM. I have now decided that new MM can not dictate my life and I will have company when and if I get ready. I am not callous, cruel, or out to hurt XMM"s wife. Sometimes though I want to tell her. This may seem strange. I want to tell her not to break her and XMM up - because the only reason he is not w/ me is because I send him home etc. I just feel she doesn't deserve the treatment he gives her. I also think that if and when the truth comes out she is going to look at me and feel doubly betrayed. I know if it was me I'd want to know and I wouldn't care who it was that told me. I don't try to be around her, but our job makes it inevitable. We work third shift so there is a lot of time to talk etc. Maybe I have gotten really good at compartmentalizing, but I don't want to stop her husband from coming around, but I also enjoy her and our talks. Like I said I keep thinking how will she feel if she finds out. I have told XMM if she were to ever ask I would tell her the truth, the whole truth. I don't know why he cheats. I feel she is a nice person. What is your opinion. Right or wrong as I have said I am not going to stop him from coming over. He satisfies many needs my kids and I have. Is it wrong for me not to tell her or make him tell her. He won't tell her because she will throw him out and he knows he can't live here. I just feel she is going to look at me one day and say why didn't I tell her. She has to know something. I can't imagine where he tells her he goes. This has not been the first weekend he has spent here. I never ask him what he tells her. I don't go out of my way to be around her, but we spend a lot of time together at work. If I were her I'd want to know. I don't want to break them up at all. All contact is initiated by him. I don't phone him or email him. In a weird way I am hoping to actually help their relationship, or at least absolve myself of part of the responcibility of the failure of their relationship. I just want to avoid her looking at me one day and asking why?<p>I keep imagining a scene where I give her full disclosure and we are sitting there chatting amicably. I am giving her advice etc. She is thanking me for being honest. And in the end we all end up friends. He still is there for my kids, I babysit for them so they can have dates to improve their relationship, we all still work together etc. I know, I'm dreaming. Unsure if this makes any sense. What do you think? Please let me know. <p>My XMM always took his off (never asked him why) when he was with me. XMM still spends time w/ me. Two weeks ago he came over complaining about my current MM - how he wasn't good enough for me etc. etc. I said well you are married too. He took off his ring and threw it in my yard and said f@@@ my marriage and f@@@ my wife. He then left. My little girl found the ring and gave it to me. I made him wait several days to get it back. XMM spent this past Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night at my house. No ring. I have never paid any attention if new MM wears his ring or not. I know he has left his watch at my house before. The wearing of the ring isn't an issue to me. If they valued their marriage that much they wouldn't be cheating. The ring is just that a circular piece of metal.<p>Is it just married men who are careless, or is it all men??? Good thing I am not one of those women who is interested in breaking up their relationships. They leave so much evidence behind. For example, XMM as I said stayed the weekend w/ us. He had no clothes w/ him and would not trust me to leave the house w/out him. So as I washed his clothes he was wearing one of my nightgowns. We had the music blaring and he and I were dancing w/ the kids. My little girl began taking pictures. I have since had them developed. How would he ever explain this to his wife??? Not to mention his missing ring. I work w/ his wife. I could have given it to her. How would he explain that? Are they that trusting of us, that naive', or do they just not give a damn if the affair is discovered? Or is it only my MM who behaves like this? Not to mention the gifts, cards (in their handwriting), phone calls, etc. <p> To all Bs on this board. I come in peace. I am really just curious on your take on this situation. If you were my MM#1's W would you want me to tell you???

S,<p>I actually feel some empathy for my H's OW because he used and abused her as well. He misled her about his marital status and played her, but he also managed to convince her to continue the R after she found out he was married, so if she had any qualms about contributing to the destruction of a family, they obviously weren't that bothersome to her.<p>I was once single myself with MM hitting on me, most of them trying to hide that they were married. They tried every trick in the book to be my "friend" when I refused their advances. As soon as I found out that any man I came in contact with was married, I dropped him like a hot potato, so I know it can be done. They disgusted me, and it enraged me that they would dare to try to make ME an accomplice to their cruelty.<p>You are not doing anything positive for your children by continuing these toxic Rs. Neither MM#1 nor MM#2 are good role models for your children, and right now, neither are you. Don't they deserve the very best from you?<p>Since you asked, I'm going to give you my best advice as a former single mother:<p>Immediately end all contact with both MM.<p>An experienced correctional officer can probably get a job anywhere in the country. Secure a new job as far from where you are now as you can get and move your family there ASAP. And DO NOT let either MM know you are leaving or where you are going.<p>As you are leaving town, call both BSs and tell them everything you know and that you are leaving, never to return. Apologize for your part in the betrayal process and answer ALL of their questions. You can tell them you want a clean start and want to start your new life with a clear conscience.<p>I think most BSs would appreciate at least that much, especially if it was sincere. I know I wouldn't mind if my H's OW even now would call me and apologize and tell me her side of the story if she truly was remorseful. I wouldn't mind giving her an opportunity to make amends.<p>Adultery hurts EVERYONE involved--you, your children, the BSs, their children, and even the WSs. No good thing can come of it for anyone.<p>S, you are on a dead-end road to misery, and you are taking your children with you. It is not too late to make a U-turn and have the serenity and peace of doing the right thing for you and your children and even your fellow man. Get yourself and your children out of there before all the bombs go off, and as a final gesture of consideration for those you have hurt beyond belief, call and tell them everything you know about the minefield they are standing in.<p>If you believe in God, turn to Him, and let Him be the man in your life. No one will ever love you more.

First, I am not trying to interpert any responses as flames.<p>Second, the first MM got involved w/ my kids because he presented himself as single, we worked separate shifts (initially(, and I had no reason to doubt him. He had ample time - always at my house, I could call him at home - he always answered etc. His initial lies are the main reason I will not allow him to be w/ me on a full-time basis.<p>Third, yes I can understand why XMM may feel I sent mixed signals. I did tell him to stop coming around (per new MM's request). I have since changed my mind and explained this to him.<p>Fourth, in the beginning as I said she did not work there or w/ me. This is recent. I would never hold it against her or treat her different on the job. <p>Fifth, the other 2 MM are both of equal rank as I.<p>Sixth, I have no reason to tell new MM's W. I do not know her. I have no intention of ever coming in contact w/ her.<p>Seventh, the only reason I have considered telling MM#1's W is as I said we do come in contact and I don't want her to look at me later and question why I didn't tell her.<p>Eight, I came here for the same reason BS come to the site I am primarily on - to get a different perspective. I know if I had a cheating H I would want to know. I figured you guys could give an opinion from a different perspective. As I stated:<p>First let me preempt this as I have posted this on another board. However most responses were from OW. I am curious to hear how the BS's POV.

I answered the way I did because I don't want you to feel that I am flaming you.<p>But if you want my honest opinion, which is very blunt and direct, here goes:<p>No, you don't love yourself. If you did, you would not be seeking love from men who can not enter fully into a mature, enduring relationship.<p>What is it about yourself that you don't think you deserve that?<p>Secondly, your self love and self esteem is so very low that you seem to be getting a boost from 1. taking another woman's man (you must be the better woman if he'll f^&* you right?)
2. having more than one married man coming after you...(he's good for my kids is an excuse and completely false)
3. needing to brag about it through a thinly disguised plea for help and opinions.<p>I don't think you care one iota about either wife. I think you need the ego boost of making sure they know that you stole their men.<p>I think that you don't know how to love yourself and that THIS is how you are building your self esteem.<p>Should you tell?<p>Well, if this is the ONLY way that you'll tell them, then sure go ahead.<p>But my thought was that if you REALLY DO CARE about those women, then you should take this story to a pastor or a counselor and ask for guidance in how inform them.<p>But you see, I think your real motive is to brag to them.<p>And on another note, your story about MM#1 entering your home unbeknownst to you, and holding your baby daughter in his arms just sent chills down my back. Why do I get the feeling that you are in danger from this man?<p>What self-respecting woman needs the attraction of a sick man (which he clearly is)? <p>I do think you might want to talk to a woman's shelter about this situation and find out what the warning signs are....because this makes my gut turn. As much as I completely disagree with your moral life choices, I certainly would never wish harm on you or your children, and I sense that you are in danger.<p>I do think everything Zorweb said was right on. You need to be extracting yourself from this job, and from this situation, because you are going to lose everything. No one in this situation stands to lose more than you will.

Please realize that I am not flaming you. Actually no one here has flames you. You are getting some very honest input. It may not be what you want to hear... but good friends and people who truly care about you will not tell you what you want to hear. Instead they will tell you what they truly feel and believe.<p>Your story has the hair on the back of my neck standing on end....shivers. There is something really wrong going on. Not just the affairs. <p>I agree with BrambleRose. You and your children are the ones who stand to loose the most from this entire situation.<p>I forgot to mention my reaction to MM#1 walking into your house unannounced, getting your young daughter out of her bed while she was still sleeping, and coming into your bathroom carrying the child. My counselor is teaching me to look very closely at peoples actions.... to block out their words and read the actions.<p>He entere your house unannounced... the message is I can get to you any time I want to. You cannot keep me out.<p>Getting your daughter out of her bed... I can do anything I want to your children and you cannot protect them. She is asleep.. I could have taken her and you would hvae never known it was me. this is a direct threat to your child.<p>Going into your bathroom while you are bathing... I can come into your most private of places and you cannot stop me.<p>These are terrible messages. No wonder you feel uneasy about it. <p>Also.... If any man, went into my child's bedroom with out my giving them permission first, I'd kick him out and he would never, ever enter my home again. His picking her up out of her sleep is even more terrible. What was his reason for doing this? <p>This man is not your children's father. He has no business going into their bedrooms. This man does not understand decent boundaries. Your children are at risk around him. I know you are going to think i'm over reacting but for some reason I've been 'blessed' with a 6th sense about this type of situation. My 'gut feelings' have proven to be correct several times and I've never had these feelings when the situation did not warrent them.<p>You say that he is good for your children then you say he got access to you and your children by lying. How is a man who is a lier a good example for your kids. What they are being taught is that as long as a person presents a 'happy, friendly face' they can do anything they want to you.<p>A person who lies on the magnitude this man did is not a good example for your children. Sure, people can be forgive under certain circumstances. But it would take me a very long time to let someone who did this to me near my children.<p>
Please take very good care of yourself and your children.

And btw:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know I am an educated, intelligent, compassionate, and loving individual.<hr></blockquote><p>compassion and love never gain at someone else's expense. <p>What you are describing is selfishness, and self-loathing.

I am trying very hard not to flame you either, but I'll tell you, the last post you made says some pretty upsetting things:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Sixth, I have no reason to tell new MM's W. I do not know her. I have no intention of ever coming in contact w/ her.<hr></blockquote><p>You don't know her, and that's why you won't tell? The point *I* was making is that you need to END this relationship and since you're wondering if you should tell the first MM's wife, I thought that maybe you'd do the second MM's wife a favor and tell her too.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Eight, I came here for the same reason BS come to the site I am primarily on - to get a different perspective. I know if I had a cheating H I would want to know. I figured you guys could give an opinion from a different perspective. <hr></blockquote><p>BS's come to the OW site knowing full well that they will be confronted with unimaginable pain to themselves by reading what OW are going through. They are not BRINGING YOU PAIN.
You're being here, trying to figure out something (and having no desire to end your EA) is CAUSING PAIN. Do you see a difference?<p>Look, I have been here for years... and I have been a WS (and BS too)... I knew full-well when I came to a place called MARRIAGE BUILDERS it would be a place where people are BUILDING MARRIAGES.

I agree with bramble and zorweb, you may have come here honestly seeking an answer to the question you posed, but that question is trivial to the real question....that being why are you choosing such destructive behaviour. I too find your story appaling, not as a value judgement on you, but as an observation of the tremendous risk you are putting yourself and your children at....why on earth would you do this? Not to mention that you work in a pressure cooker enviroment, and you really don't know these men at all, you don't live with them, this thing could blow really ugly at any time. The best thing you can do is find another job, and leave town (if this is feasible), date no one until you figure yourself out (you have a tremendous amount of work to do re that), and focus on being a good mom, and good role model (do you really want your daughter to grow up and make choices like you have?). Good luck.

Let me begin by saying that this is not a flame, but an honest response.<p>You ask if you should tell the wife/wives.<p>Personally, if I were the wife of either of these men, the ONLY thing I would care about is you getting put of the picture altogether, and leaving my H alone.<p>You obviously don't have a problem attracting men, go find someone single..........far less trauma for everyone involved.

Yes, SOW22MM. What Nina said. Why in the heck Married Men, why don't you want a single man of your own?<p>Jo [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

SOW22MM,<p>Yes, BS would want to know. Their Hs should be the ones to tell them. IMO, they probably already know. Ditto the advice to move and get a job somewhere else. Nothing positive will come to you from these relationships. You are being taken advantage of by two selfish, immoral men.<p>Am I the only one here who is very uneasy to learn that our corrections facilities are staffed by people with values like these? These are the "good guys"? <p>Do the right thing, SOW22MM. Quit your job, move, then tell the BSs-if you are doing so in order to apologize.<p>Estes

OMG<p>I won't say that this isn't a flame, because, I know that you will think otherwise. Your an ow and I'm a BS.<p>STOP! worrying about the MM in your life and their wives. Worry about you children! What the hell are you teaching your daughter? At the very least, take your MM to a motel or closet. Show your children that you respect them and that you don't just think about your needs. I am angry at your behaviour. Your daughter is a child, damn it! Teach your children well.

She posts at gloryB under the name female sergeant.<p>http://216.23.79.22/cgi/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=1&t=001968<p>She is really a sad case. She hasn't posted the whole story here.<p>What a sick environment to raise her kids in. They don't have a chance...<p>I was hoping that you people might be able to get thru to her because the OW's over there don't believe in telling the wife. They know that once the wife knows, they are dropped like a hot potato.<p>At least you tried...<p>Good luck to all of you, as you try to heal your heart and your marriage.<p>Kira

Dearest Sow: By all means, tell the wife/wives. Peace, ~Marie<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: ohmy_marie ]</p>