Anyone who could help me, please do so. D-day was in November...I only found out because the A produced a child who is now 5 and the OW decided she needed CS. Their original agreement was that if she decided to keep the child she would be TOTALLY responsible and ask for nothing.<p>The A was over basically when she became pregnant. My H was devastated at what he'd done and called it quits then. He continued however to lie and have a secret life by visiting the OC 2-3 times a year.<p>Anyway, my H has been wonderful...doing all the right things. Listening to me, talking to me, spending lots of time with me, helping around the house, etc. I couldn't ask for more.<p>But I can't get out of this sadness cycle. In fact, I seem to be getting worse. It's all I ever think about and it just goes round and round in my head. I don't understand how this happened. We had just moved to a new state for my H's new job, we were SO happy!!! He started this A just a couple of months after we moved here on some business trip they were together on. He hardly knew her, but they got drunk and decided why not? But then he continued to "visit" her about once a month for about 6 months, then she got pregnant.<p>Everything is suddenly too much for me. I can't deal with all of this. It should never have happened and I don't know what to do to get over it. We have talked to our pastor (each individually one time) and we had planned to continue counseling with him, but now my H says he really doesn't want to. He just wants to move past this. I don't think I can heal on my own, or even with H's tremendous support. I don't think I can get past it until I have dealt with the past!!!<p>My H says there was nothing missing, he wasn't looking for anything that I wasn't giving him, that in no way was it my fault, it was just a stupid mistake on his part.<p>Please help me...I was doing so well in the first six weeks and now it's come crashing down on me!!!

You have a lot to deal with. I would strongly suggest that you continue counseling on your own, even tho H isn't willing. <p>Hang in there--<p>Kathi

Hello mariachimom,<p>I can feel your distress in your post. I suspect that the continuing stress has caused you to develop clinical depression. What you said is symptomatic of depression.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>But I can't get out of this sadness cycle. In fact, I seem to be getting worse. It's all I ever think about and it just goes round and round in my head. <hr></blockquote>
Have you seen your doctor? If you tell him your situation, he can prescribe medication to help. The meds will be temporary. They don't dope you up at all. They just balance out your brain chemistry (the imbalance is caused by continued stress) and let you put things in better perspective.<p>It makes it harder that your H does not want to see a C, but I think you should definitely see an IC yourself. From what you say it's clear that your H loves you and wants to be married to you and avoid xOW. It is to his credit that he acknowledges OC even though it is hurtful.<p>IMO, with help from your doctor and counseling, you will come to terms with your situation. I wish your H could understand that although he wants to move past this, the shock is brand new to you and that you need time and support to adjust to this new hurtful reality.<p>Let us know what you decide. Your H loves you, and you will feel better. Maybe the MBers on Pregnancy/Child can give you advice.<p>Take care,
Estes<p>[ January 27, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

Thanks Cam and Estes for your advice. Yes, I do plan to continue counseling and maybe my H will decide to join me. As I said, he's been great and I've never felt so loved.<p>I had a pretty good night last night. I prayed specifically for peace and strength and I actually slept through the night without even thinking about it! I feel very rested this morning.<p>Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. And thanks again.<p>MM

Hi Mariachimom,<p>We all know your pain, sweetie and are here for you. You do what is best for you and I would definitely continue with IC on your own, if only just for the purpose of healing your pain. <p>It will take time and patience, darlin, but we've all been there. You have an added advantage in that your H loves you and wants to help you. Excellent! Take it and give it back, but most importantly, do what you need to do to feel better!<p>I will keep you in my prayers!<p>love,
VE

Thanks for responding. So far my day has gone really well. That doesn't mean I haven't thought about it, I just haven't allowed myself to dwell on it. I guess maybe that's the key, right? I mean, it's not going to go away, it's not going to be changed...it happened and it's over. My H is so in love with me and has been so supportive and loving to me that I should just accept that with open arms and work with him on our marriage. When I read some of the truly awful things that happen to people on this board it makes me almost feel guilty for thinking it's so bad in my situation. At least my H is with me and always has been and he is coming around to being the attentive and affectionate H I have always longed for. So let's just call his A a little detour off the right path and praise God that he's back on track. I'll just keep counting my blessings and praying for those of you who may not be as fortunate as I am at this point.<p>Good luck to all of you! Don't give up!

mariachimom<p>Hi sweetie!! I'm so sorry I am just now seeing your post.<p>All I can say is...I think everyone goes through a lot of the same emotions just sometimes in different cycles and sometimes it goes away sometimes it comes back in such a way that it makes you feel like you can't handle it.<p>But I know you and I know you have an awesome relationship with God and you CAN make it through this and you WILL!!! Believe in yourself, your H and most importantly GOD! You are such a strong woman and I believe you will overcome this and come out even stronger. You are in my thoughts daily remember that! <p>Love ya!!<p>Jules

Hey Jules!<p>Thanks for posting...it was a long weekend. H was great, but I kept going through things in my head. You know, the usual.<p>Anyway, tonight was good. We had a little chat and even though H is putting it behind him and helping me to do the same, sometimes it just comes back to bite really hard!<p>I told H tonight that he could tell me or ask me anything...I said, honestly, ask me something that you really want to know about me or my past...it was a great tension reliever because H knows that my past is pretty clean and we both got a good chuckle out of it.<p>Thanks for reminding me of my relationship with God. Sometimes I forget to just let Him have it and there I go again trying to fix everything myself. God and my H have been awesome and it's going to be great! <p>Thanks for being there. You know how much I love you! I'll e-mail you later.<p>MM