Okay everybody, I need your help with this one. If you have all read the turn of events with me and my husband, then you will understand why I need help. Remember, my husband has always viewed counseling as something he would never in a million years do. Well, he has finally realised that he needs to get counseling and has already taken the steps to do that. Now that he has been approved and all for counseling, we are at our next hurdle.<p>Should he see a man or woman counselor?<p>My husbands issues go way back to childhood. Dealing with being raised watching his dad hit his mother, things he did as a teenager that he now regrets and is hurting over, why he is so angry at everybody and how to rebuild our marriage.<p>He is very, very scared and I am scared for him too. I want to be able to help him the best I can to choose the right counselor for him. I have already told him that the first counselor he sees may not be the right one for him and only he can determine that. I have also told him that he will need to find someone that can help with all of his past issues but also believes in the rebuilding of marriage. Now we just need to figure out if he will be more comfortable dealing with all of these pains and emotions with a man or a woman.<p>Any help any of you can offer would be great.<p>Thank you in advance.<p>Michele<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: sballplyr ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sballplyr:
<strong><p>Should he see a man or woman counselor?<p>My husbands issues go way back to childhood. Dealing with being raised watching his dad hit his mother, things he did as a teenager that he now regrets and is hurting over, why he is so angry at everybody and how to rebuild our marriage.
Michele<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: sballplyr ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p> More important than the sex of the counselor is how the counselor feels about saving marriages. Some don't necessarily lean that way. I went to a female counselor when my H first left and all she wanted to do was prepare for in her words "the eventual end of the marriage and help you come to grips with that eventuality". That wasn't what I was looking for. I then sought counseling with a minister and a friend's church. He was wonderful. Helpful, comforting AND pro marriage. Counseling can be a double edged sword, so you have to choose carefully.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by fairydust:
<strong>
Counseling can be a double edged sword, so you have to choose carefully.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This is what my fears have been the last couple of days is that he will end up with a counselor that isn't for saving marriages and that I will end up the big loser in the end. I know that sounds pretty selfish but it is truly a fear of mine. He and I have discussed this a lot in detail and he agrees that he needs to find one that believes in marriage.<p>Thanks for the help.<p>Michele

We are using a female as MC who told us BTW that any MC who tells you how to feel and what choices you should make shouldn't be practicing.<p>WH wants a male counselor for IC though.

You need to ask them before the first visit. On the phone, just ask, Are you familiar with Dr. Harleys books and the Marriage Builders principles.<p>I would tend to lean towards having your husband see a male councelor. When my H and I were in individual counceling, I started first and when my H was ready he did not want to go to the same guy as me. My councelor at the time explained to me about transference (sp?). This is where a client can transfer their feelings to a councelor, they see that councelor as meeting thier emotional needs and develop an attraction. A good councelor, male or female will recognise this right away, but you are safer with a same sex individual councelor. Mariiage counceling tends to be different because you are both involved.<p>Anyway, thats my opinion.<p>Needing

regarding the sex of the counselor, did you ask you H what he would prefer. if it makes no differance to him than dont worry about that.<p>One suggestion on finding a decent one is you can try to call MB and ask them if they have any they recomment in your area. or if you like do telephone counseling with the harley's themselves.<p>Check out the "counsel" section of this website for that info and there is also an article about what to look for in one or quesitons to ask I believe.<p>here is the contact info for MB counseling:
Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639
or
e-mail counsel@marriagebuilders.com

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by weRtrying:
<strong>We are using a female as MC who told us BTW that any MC who tells you how to feel and what choices you should make shouldn't be practicing.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p> True, but a counselor can sort of lean the other way (not towards rebuilding marriage) without actually telling the person how to feel or what choices to make. It's hard to explain, but it happened to me. Take a WS who is still unsure if they want to be in the marriage, mix in a counselor who isn't of the marriage builders type and it could drive another nail into the coffin. When I went to counseling with the minister he definitely leaned towards mending the marriage, without ever telling me how I felt or what to do. But if I had been a WS who was considering leaving I'll bet it wouldn't have be hard to find a counselor who would subtlely make me feel that was A-ok if that's what I wanted to do. If I had it to do again I'd definitely go either with a religious counselor or someone who was familiar with Marriage Builders. And then there are plenty of just plain bad counselors out there. So you have to choose carefully.

sball,<p>Congrats! Your H is taking a huge step. My opinion would be for you to heap huge amounts of praise on him for facing what is obviously a big fear of his. Let him pick whoever he wants to see and don't be afraid if he switches a few times. Someone that he's comfortable with is the best option for him and therefore your M. I made the mistake of dragging W to C a few times when I shouldn't have. Praise... Praise... Praise...<p>
who

Thank you all for your guidance and support. You have all touched on the fears my H and I have been having since his big turning point. I have been doing nothing but praising him since he has decided to go to counseling and he is asking me for so much help that I want to be able to help him as much as I can without being pushy.<p>Michele

Contact a referral system and ask for someone who has specialized in dealing with adult issues which come from childhood trama and anger management therapy. Also, explain that there is a need for addressing those issues involving affairs and REBUILDING of marriages.<p>It doesn't matter what sex the counselor is...what does matter is that you or your H connect to the counselor and trust their guidence. Once you have a referral...call and ask questions! Find out as much as possible their position on marriage, affairs, and anything else that you feel would be important to your H or you. IF....they are not willing to answer your questions...keep looking. A good counselor is worth gold...a bad one is worst then no counselor at all. Good Luck!