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New Challenge creates feelings that I believe helps me focus on DW true needs, feeling (?)& I have to face a hard bitter pill of reality.<p>This last year has been a financial hardship. We have just sold our home & plan to downsize into a condo. Because of our credit history, there is some question as to whether we would qualify for a new mortgage. Last night when we learned that the condo we were most interested in had been sold, my DW went into a real funk. She ended up sleeping in the other room and when I knocked on that door (same room she closes me out on when she dresses)this morning she did not answer – I went on to work. We live in an affluent community and she has expressed anxiety about not living in this upscale community. We may even have to rent something and I have a strong feeling this would make her feel really un-dignified and is causing her great stress & unhappiness.<p>This I believe is forcing us to face reality. It is making me realize that perhaps she is truly not interested in continuing our relationship unless we live in a particular neighborhood or style of house. This has me wondering if this is her top priority (along with looking good to attract attention & having sex a couple times a day) and along with my anxieties, if I am receiving a message from my higher power that now is a good time to divide the property & go our own seperate ways? Regarding the last posts & discussions about verbal/ emotional abuse. I have come to realize that I have been right that over the years she has been abusive & that I did not deserve the treatment I received. This can actually in my mind at least be tied back into my expressed anxiety about her way of dress and attitude. We have not specifically discussed this issue for months now, but I distinctly remember that at least on two separate occasions she commented to me that maybe I was too insecure with how she looked to have her as a mate. I had a sense that I wanted to protect my position and not be bullied, so to speak, so I replied on both occasions that perhaps that is true. She then dropped it & no further discussions along those lines have occurred.<p>I am thinking that as much as I have this inner self, feeling I should fight to keep this going, that perhaps I should throw in the towel & let her walk away or even initiate a separation.<p>Just another day in the jungle & I am feeling rather numb right now.<p>Thanks for your invaluable insights! Peace, HH
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WOW! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Hurrian, in all honesty, do you believe you have the nerve to go through with a separation or do you think your wife will reel you back in (act right) just enough to keep you holding on to hope that she will change? (meaning agree to encorporate MB concepts, admit to possible SA)
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
<strong>WOW! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
(act right) just enough to keep you holding on to hope that she will change? (meaning agree to encorporate MB concepts, admit to possible SA)</strong><hr></blockquote>
BINthere,
I do have lack of courage to intiate the boot, although I am developing more resolve, who knows, perhaps my DW has sensed that.
You know us -- for her to modify a bit would be her traditional approach -- With the two knights of seperate bedrooms, & in particular, not sexual advancements, she may be building her courage to walk ??
Thanks for your support!
HH
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Update: Yesterday I suggested to her that it could actually make more sense financially if we took the equity, pay off some bills & invested the rest & rent. That the equity would not be “tied up” in something non-liquid & we may end up growing the money more. She called back later & said that may make sense & that it might help her focus more on our relationship without all the stress she applies to herself about the finances. This is a major event because I cannot remember a time when she so openly agreed with something I suggested!! I guess it is pretty obvious that in our current state of flux, it does not make any sense to jump into another mortgage! I'm not sure what is happening with my DW. When she got home last night, she was definitely in a depressed kind of mood -- but respectful! This is good! We actually laughed together over a TV show -- we talked more about renting & she almost came to tears. She again stayed in the other bedroom for the evening -- I did not ask any questions or make any comments about her mood -- I have recently discovered that a codependent spends a lot of time trying to figure out the other person's feelings – UGH, that's me!<p>She is definitely stressed over the house / condo / rent & financial thing. I can understand this – it has been such a thing for her – I believe where we life is part of how she defines herself -?? I mean in the 16 years we have lived there we have had frioends over maybe three times – had two graduation parties, but she was never receptive to having friends over – it was like it was not good enough – they had better places. I always wanted to have friends over, but it became an argument every time so I gave up on it! I tried to reason with her that our friends are our friends because of who we are & not where we life.<p>We have not been intimate, if you get my nondescript meaning here, for a few days now. She was actually having some irritations down there -- it was painful for her the last time we were together that way -- I guess it was last Sunday -- long time W/O for us! -- she talked to her friend about going to the doctor -?? Don’t they have regulations that if you have an STD, you are to contact all of your partners – I can’t say for sure, but this could be quite a day of calling for her?? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have had this nagging rash (on my scrotum) for over a year now -- going back to when she was active with other guys [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] -- it had more or less cleared up when she was away (a year ago) -- it has again cleared up more with our recent abstinence thing. It is not always ichy, but normally a red rash kind of color. ?? it is amazing how I have gotten used to it??!! She never got the STD test I requested when we split last year. I was thinking I should get my thing checked out, huh. I know this must sound ridiculous, but I had gotten so used to this irritant that I did not notice it until today, when it was not there! Some time back, last summer, I was pressing her about MB stuff & being very direct about her lack of respect for me and was trying to get agreement on a policy of openness & honesty - I had prepared a couple letters to try & explain my positions -- she became very distressed & in talking with her C -- she came back & said I was pushing her away & he suggested a "therapeutic" separation -- separate bedroom thing -- I don't know, but she may be instituting that (for her decision making process) with the last two nights of the separate bedroom thing -- I am trying to detach, so I don't mind actually -- This may be a part of our Lords plan for me - us. Here is something I composed in an attempt to try & explain where I am coming from in this recovery thing. Like I had said before in my post, I am not sure she actually understands my feelings -- she may not care or know how to care. Let me know what you think -- should I give this to her?<p>Feelings:<p>When you have been hurt really badly and deeply, you know you don’t like these feelings and you really don’t want to experience them again. You have a very strong incentive to do what ever you can to figure out what is the best way to avoid or prevent having those feeling again. You work hard to try & figure out the best approach to protect yourself from such devastating, hopeless, sunken, lost, abandoned & lonely & betrayed feelings. <p>When you don’t know exactly what set of circumstances lead up to making the incident likely, you wonder, how did I contribute, what could I have done differently to help prevent such a dis-respectful act against me from occurring again. Did I deserve this, was I so bad that I was asking for this and had it coming?<p>It would be like if you were on the street and a good friend of yours comes up from behind you and bust you right square in the mouth & you did not see it coming and it knocks you down to the ground & your are in great pain. When you come out of the shock of what happened, one of your first questions might be, Why in the hell did they do that to me?!! Then your friend apologizes and the next day they act the same, as if nothing happened. Same patterns of interaction soon develop, but never any explanations as to why they did that. As you have interaction wouldn’t it be natural to be a little on guard and untrusting, cause you don’t know what triggered your friend’s dramatic act against you before, you are always on guard for when the next time this friend may decide to attack. The friend recognizes this uneasiness in you & chooses to not do anything differently in an attempt to re-build some trust and to help to eliminate the uneasiness in the relationship. When you ask the friend in a diplomatic fashion what might have cause them to do this and they say they just do not know. You still want to try & explore ways to protect yourself against the next attack. You may grope for some time before you find the right answers for you. But you know it will certainly take longer when it is just you & your friend offers no interest in helping.<p>Now consider this. A Different scenario. How about if this same kind of friend relationship had existed for 30 years or so and over that time your friend has punched you in the stomach on an a couple occasions. Then on another occasion your friend elbowed you in your side & stomped on your foot and that hurt a little more. Then this friend comes up & busted you square in the mouth & then kicked you in the groin and when you hit the ground kicked you in the ribs and back. Don’t you think that if this happened to you, you would have some serious questions about whether is was safe to continue this relationship with your friend??<p>It would sure help in a injured person’s recovery process if the person that caused the pain showed some strong signs of wanting to help and caring about you in your recovery process. But from the injured parties view, they have to be strong enough to heal on their own, even without help from the one that caused the pain.<p>My S-anon sponsor so to speak, has talked that in dealing with an addict it is usually best to not share our feelings in that they will use that info to turn them around against us -- ?? We shall survive! What do you think? Thanks! HH
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I am not totally healed you know!
I could not resist.
Last night I notice that her top is so tight, that from the back you could plainly see the outline of her bra & it was tight enough it caused some skin to bulge out from the sides. Remember, she is 5'5" and 130 lbs. -- not bone skinny, but very much on the thin side -- not pettite though.
As slim as she is, from the side angle, maybe this was caused by the tighness of her hip hugger jean, forcing some skin tissue up & out and over a bit -- you could clearly see some skin wrinkled up & like a couple folds of skin hangin out a little. To me this was not a particularily good look.
Not to get into whether this is provocative or not, don't you think it would be a good fashion tip to not have the top quite so tight??
This morning as I passed her bedroom I notice the top & I checked out the label -- Gap, stretchy material, but a size SMALL -- ??? I don't get it??
When she sits down, many times these tops ride up in the back & expose 3 to 4 inches of her lower back, hip area -- is this supposed to be stylish??? It is starting to make me sick to my stomoch!!
Just a curious mind wondering -- Please don't be alarmed, I won't dare say a thing to her!! This is her world & right now I am staying the hell out!
I continue to try & focus on me!
Thanks!
HH
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HH, you are doing great! Tight top and jeans with bulging and folded skin showing... a good look? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Of course not, but you did the right thing, focus on you and don't say a word about the "fashion" statements. Ladysing
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Ladysing58: <strong>Tight top and jeans with bulging and folded skin showing... a good look? :eekstatements. Ladysing</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks for hangin in there with me! You know that I am a needy person and enjoy trying to figure this out -- this is my sickness though & I do need to try & show self-constraint!<p>Wiffle told me over on the emotional channel that tight jeans can be contributing factor to yeast infections! Anyone else have info about that?<p>I wonder if tight jeans & thong undies are a combinantions that grows those germs as well? She is definately pre-menapasual of course, so the dryness down there help thise things grow as well I assume. Anyone can jmup in here as I get in touch with my femine side! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks! HH
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Frankly HH your wife should carry a government health warning.
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by olderandwiser: <strong>Frankly HH your wife should carry a government health warning.</strong><hr></blockquote> Older& Wiser: [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks for sharing & empathising!!<p>She has been in different mood for the last three days, third night in a row in seperate bedroom, which I have not questioned as I have been practicing my "De-tachment" mode -- she told me today in a pleasant tone that she wanted to go to the Couples S-anon meeting tomorrow night! I asked why and she started to get defensive, so I backed off & said fine, great! I discovered this morning that I inadvertantly left a folder out & it was on our desk. It had S-anaon stuff, an article about how to resist sexual tempataion in a marriage, emotional boundaries & a script I gave our Pastor outlininng in general the stuff she did & how she had called these guys -- all stuff the Pastor knew, but I made a point that I did not see how anyone could see her as a victim, like he was protraying to us after he & her had an hour and half meeting, back in December. Can't say if she read through; but if she did I would imagine it would have upset her, but also perhaps it could have forced her to be realistic & draw her out of her little "Fantasy" world where all is well & she is the center of the universe & is entiltled to what ever she wishes or feels is fair for her w/o much reagrds to me & my feelings. <p>All of this is pure specualtion on my part, but in the last three days, we have been traveling a different road, with a diferent dance, that is for sure! Stayed tuned & fasten your seat belts, it could get rather bumpy before landing! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks to all who care! HH
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HH -- have you checked out the links that Cali posted on Narcissism?
It might be of interest to you.
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lexxxy: <strong>HH -- have you checked out the links that Cali posted on Narcissism? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Lexxxy, No, could you hook me up or give me the title of post? Hope all is well for you & thank you very, very much for checking in! Peace to you & yours! HH
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I ain't no "Fashion Police"......however you have just described my Daughters latest fashion trend.
Then again, she is slim, pretty, 22 yrs old and single! I am sure by the time she is 50, got a bit of middle aged spread and has been married for 30 yrs she will have more sense!
JMHO.
I wish you luck, she seems stubborn and selfish to me.
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mtheart, I'm curious why you pulled up this post from 2 years ago? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Hurrian has moved on after finally splitting up with his W. I hope and pray that he is finally happy.
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Hi LS.......I did not notice the date on this post, I have no idea how I managed to pull it up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , I don't usually browse old posts so I don't know how I managed it. I will hide behind these nice cool sunnies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> and slink off into the distance, I feel like a right twit now lol. I too am glad that hurrian has moved on and I prey that he is now happy in life.
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mtheart,
I certainly did not mean to make you feel funny about posting. I happened to see Hurrian's name and hoped that he was not back with his W and having trouble again. He really went through the wringer with her and I hope it's long behind him!
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