OK here is a quick overview. Husband told me last week he is in love with someone else. I went to my parents house. He has said that I could come back if we could be just roomates and friends while he pursued this other woman. I have 3 children and one on the way so I said yes. Can plan A still work in this situation or am I just fooling myself? I have a session scheduled for tommorow with Jennifer but just wanting input tonight. Thank you for any help.

Please help. I need to know that I am doing the right thing. lorisue1972@yahoo.com

IMHO, yes move back. Plan A is best when the WS can see the change. Plus you have the chance few do. Involving your H in the birth of this child. Even if he does not show it, it will be very emotional for him. That may help him see through the fog.<p>How far along are you?<p>Gib

I am 13 weeks along. He started up with her after I was pregnant. I love him so much and our marriage has never been very good. We both have had a lot of problems. I was a very bad co-dependant and he is a drug and alchol abuser )sober for 4 years now) We lost our oldest son in an accident which we blamed each other for and the list goes on and on. But since reading Surviving an Affair I have been trying to put what they said to good use and we have been becoming friends which we never were. He asked me to move home so we could be friends and have sex (which has never been a problem when I was willing) Which since our son died a little over 3 1/2 years ago has gone downhill. To almost non existant. I do have a couple of questions. He has not told anyone and wants us to act like everything is fine. My friend thinks I should call his parents and let them know what is going on. If I do that I am afraid it will break down everything we have done. What do you think? Also, he says he is willing to tell me everything and let me read her letters back and forth (they email each other which is how they met). Do I do this or pretend she doesn't exist unless he brings her up? Also, last night I made a huge mistake and he hasn't talked to me again yet so I don't know if I screwed everything up or not. I was asking those what if questions. He doesn't want to even talk about working on our marriage. He wants us to be friends and raise the kids and I asked well what about when she wants a commitment? What about when the baby is born some of those things and I knew I shouldn't have it immediately put him on the deffinsive. See you are doing it I know this is what you will do when you get home. Man I am so mad at myself I can't even express it. Why can't I keep my big mouth shut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I have a session with Jennifer scheduled this afternoon also. Hopefully I haven't messed everything up.

I'm sure Jenn will help you today. Although you know it will be a long process [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I can tell you that it is VERY important to avoid LBs right now. I speak from experience. You can work at filling your H's ENs for weeks, months even and one LB can bring it all crashing down. This will be very important when you move back in.<p>IMHO, that should be your number one thing during plan A. NO LB's!<p>The alcohol thing I can relate to. See my post 'No SF from WW'. I am 4 months dry and in AA.<p>I'm plan Aing my best when I:<p>1. No LBs
2. Am cheerful no matter wait mood she is in
3. Suggest activities for us without pushing
4. 'Disappear' at times to recharge my batteries
5. Allow her distance<p>I can't say I'm good at all the above all the time, but she has notices the changes in me.<p>Hope this helps.........<p>Gib

Thanks. Still haven't heard from him. I will post when he does talk to me. I am so scarred I messed everything up.

This is our last email exchange. Is this totally sick and twisted. I am trying to do what he wants and make him feel good. Any suggestions?
My letter to him:<p>[ January 31, 2002: Message edited by: lorisue ]</p>

I cannot believe what I just read. Please delete all the names in your post because it may come to haunt you later. Just a recommendation to a newbie...<p>Where is your self respect? Are you okay with him being with two woman at the same time and you with two men? Is that arrangement okay with you and do you honestly think you can live like that?<p>It is a BAD idea for you to go out and have your own affair and try to love two men at once. When you start playing with people's hearts like that, people get hurt - very badly.<p>Your husband is totally demoralizing you and treating you like you are nothing. <p>You ARE something. YOU are a wonderful person who is NOT having an affair. YOU want to save your marriage. Am I right?<p>I no longer feel that you moving back in and having this arrangement is the best thing for you. I did not realize things were like this. Talk to Jenn and see what she says.<p>This man is torturing you and you are accepting it and letting him do it. I cannot believe the way he treats you, it is absolutely horrendous.<p>What do you care if you asked him those questions? So what??? They are honest questions that one would ask any friend. Now, if you were in an argument and were saying things to hurt him, well now, that's an LB. But it sounds like you were just talking and he got upset.<p>If he's asked you not to talk about it, okay, stop, but don't apologize profusely like you just kicked him in the balls or something.<p>
The only way I can see this working for you is if you walk up to your H and say "I love you. I want our marriage to work. I want to move back in with you, become great friends, and see where this leads us. I understand that you say you love D right now, and although I do not like it, I accept it. I am not interesting in pursuing another relationship with G, what I want is a monogamous relationship with you. I realize this is not possible for now, and for now, I accept it, but please know, I do not like it.<p>Perhaps one day, IF we are back together and you wish to pursue a swingers lifestyle, perhaps I will be open to this (ONLY IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, BY YOUR LETTER IT SEEMS YOU PROBABLY ARE, BUT DON'T DO IT TO APPEASE HIM!!). But not now, too many emotions are being thrown around and I don't want to find myself in love with another man while I am still married to you.<p>I will be here for you, I will love you, and I will be your best friend. I plan to be totally honest with you and I hope you will do the same. However, for my own sanity, I would ask that you please refrain from speaking about how wonderful and great D is in front of me. It hurts too much, just the facts, please."<p>Now, please don't go cut and pasting this into a letter. Do it in your own words, what you want to say, but by all means, GET YOUR SELF RESPECT back.<p>You do not have to do everything this man says or totally appease him, it will not get you anywhere.<p>IN FACT, I am willing to bet the opposite may even be true...<p>It is one thing to accept his decision, tell him you are not giving up on the marriage, and that you want to work things out if he ever chooses to. Then you find the things he likes, you become friends, you don't yell or LB, excellent. And you can do this while he is with OW and still keep your self-respect.<p>You are not doing that. You are letting this man walk all over you and treat you like shi*. You are accepting that his behavior is okay and almost like you deserve it.<p>What he is asking is that you AGREE to let him "have his cake and eat it too". Now, many of us live this situation, but I don't know of any here on MB that actually say they want it that way, or they are okay with it.<p>He needs to know that you are NOT okay with him being with her. Otherwise, why the HEL* would he ever leave her for you??<p>He has everything he wants if you give in to him. What would motivate the change? It won't matter if you are plan Aing cuz' he'll just get happier that he is able to have you both, that you are okay and may even like it, and that you are becoming a better person.<p>Now, the whole idea behind this is that plan A will help him realize how much BETTER than OW you are, how much he does really love you, and that the affair will die a natural death when OW starts LBing or your H realize what he is doing. He has no motivation to do that if you tell him it's okay that he has both of you.<p>You can even put some kind of time limit on it. Tell him that you will go along with not telling anyone and pretending things are okay, for a while, but you do not want to live the rest of your life this way.<p>You want a husband, lover, and friend who honors and respects you for who you are inside. You've been reading alot, found this awesome website, and you feel like, with the right help, he can love you the way he used to, and better than the way he loves D now. If he is ever willing to do this, you are too.<p>Or something like that.<p>Please, please, go get into IC to help build up your self esteem. This man has bashed it into the ground and it is your job to get it back. <p>You can plan A and still respect yourself. Learn how.<p>Please let us know what Jenn says. <p>I am going to post to Zorweb and ask her to come post to you. She understands this and hopefully will agree with me...<p>HbH

I also withdraw my original opinion to move back. Both of you are seriously disturbed. How can you bring children into this kind of home and expect them to be normal?<p>I'm sorry, but reading those emails made me sick.<p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Gibby, please don't jab Lorisue if you don't agree with that lifestyle.<p>Comments like that will scare her away and she needs our help.<p>I understand it is your opinion, but it is quite harsh and worded very inappropriately. You can find better words to express what you mean that are not so hurtful.<p>Lorisue, I do believe you can rebuild your marriage, but it has to be done in the right way, and giving up your self esteem to do it is absolutely not going to work.<p>I am alot more understanding than alot of folks here when it comes to sexual matters. My H and I have alot of friends that are swingers and I respect them very much as people who live a different lifestyle from me.<p>I am not saying you are swingers nor do I mean to categorize you, it is just the closest thing that I can think of to describe what your H is asking of you.<p>There are alot of other things which I would be happy to talk about over email if you'd like. My email keeps getting screwed up at hotmail, but if you post yours, I will reply.<p>Just saw your email - one's a comin' your way.<p>HbH<p>[ January 31, 2002: Message edited by: hurtbyhubby ]</p>

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

L,<p>Please take what hurtbyhubby and Hanora seriously. They know what they are talking about.<p>If you do what you told your H you are willing to do, you will be seriously jeapordizing your self esteem, your marriage and your children.<p>Please share those emails with Jenn. Please.... you need some very solid advice on how to proceed here. <p>Plan A is done for a short period of time while you negotiate with your WS to have no contact with the OW. Then, if after a period of a few weeks, they will not do this, then move on to Plan B. <p>And there is an aspect of Plan A in which we strive to be the best we can be... for life. <p>I'll respond later, in more detail to some of the issues you have raised.

No I don't want to have an affair. I don't want to let him have his cake and eat it to. I don't want any of that. What I want is for him to love me and want to be with me. What am I supposed to do? This is the only way he will let me come back. I feel like if I can hang in there for awhile this will die down. Won't it? If I am meeting his needs won't he change his mind about her?

Sorry lorisue. HbH was right. I jabbed when I should have taken a breath first. You are getting good advice here about self esteem. Please listen.<p>Sorry again......<p>Gib

Lorisue, I walked in your shoes 9 years ago. I don't know if what I did is what kept us together or reality slapped in the face but here is my story:
WE were married for 18.5 years, and he started an affair with younger woman, 23 to his 39. I knew nothing until I learned I was pregnant with our 5th child. I was 4 mos along when I learned about the OW. She got pregnant 3 mos after he "tried" to end it telling her of my pregnancy. However, he still wasn't sure he wanted to stay.
I talked to a lawyer who told me in Ky where we lived at the time, NO judge would grant a divorce until the baby was born, my baby. We could go thru a separation but if we did this do two things, 1. Go big financially, divorce is about money not love. If you have children you need to get as much as you can, raising them alone will not be easy.
2. If you share a domicile, the wife cannot do anything "wifely" for him.
I told him this but was not ready to go thru separation, he could stay, but if he did he would have to meet MY needs. We would have sex when I wanted it not him. He would use a condom because I didn't want to get anything from his OW. Lord knew what he had already exposed me to or the baby by sleeping with another. (This was a dig)
I had a right to my conjugal rights as a wife, a faithful wife.
Then I told him everything I would demand in the divorce including the children. They ranged in age from 5 yrs to 16 yrs. The two older were boys, 15 and 16. They were very angry with us when we told them that we might be getting a divorce, esp the oldest. I told my H that he would have to take the oldest beacause I would not be able to cope with two angry male teenagers with an infant. I also asked if he really wanted someone else raising his new son? Because I would be moving to TX after a divorce and he would never see him or our daughters.<p> I don't want to make this too long, but we are still together, and he regrets to this day his past actions regarding the OW. If I were in your shoes I would see a lawyer, tell his parents, tell his best friend if you think this man will tell him what a jerk he is being. It is time to play by your rules and play hardball. He has already had his cake, if he doesn't wise up you probably didn't need him any way.<p>Good luck, Texasgirl

I am back home. We talked and I told him I didn't like what he was doing and I wanted it to end but if he would let me come home and be a wife to him I would like that. We had the best weekend we have ever had. He said he loves me more now then ever but still loves her. If I keep meeting his needs and things are this good between us won't it die out? I may just be kidding myself. Please let me know any thoughts you have. Any advise on how to react when he talks about her would be great. I am having a hard time dealing with that. I told him it hurt me when he talked about her and I would appreciate him not doing that.

I had anoher question. Do I ask him if he has talked to her? I know the answer will always be yes but should I anyway? Also, he said I could read their emails. Do I do this? It will be hard for me to do those things but will it help him see what he is doing?

Please help. I just stuck my foot in my mouth again! I told him that I wished he would someday give her up and that errupted into a big love busting fight! I have got to learn how to keep my mouth shut! What do I do?

bump. I'll email you in a little bit.<p>HbH