Fine. I am not going to file for D this week and I'll cancel my stupid lawyer's appointment cuz' I have to wait now...<p>My H and I talked... He says that after he visited the gravesite he got sick for an hour or two (vomiting, etc), went back to the hotel room and just did nothing and didn't want to talk to anyone and that's why he didn't call like he was supposed to.<p>Now, this is actually probably what happened if I really think about it, but since I'm still PO'd, I can't find it within myself to believe him entirely at this time, so, I just tell him "prove it" and he says he can't.<p>He also SAID that he has been thinking alot and wants to be able to tell me how sorry he feels about everything, how the guilt is affecting him, all the stuff about the baby, etc. and that he knows he will probably break down crying when he does it (this man comes from a military family and does NOT cry). He just can't put it in words yet, but he wants it to be within the next couple of weeks, just give him a little more time.<p>Fine, that's easy and it's actually the thing me, my IC and our MC have been waiting to happen, so it was actually really nice to hear him say that. <p>He also said that he wants to get a divorce so we can get re-married... So, of course, I say, that wouldn't be a good idea, we can do it symbolically if you want, but to do it legally will just be a nightmare. (sometimes I don't know what is in this man's head...)<p>Fine, he says, he really, really wants to do this because he knows for sure I am the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He actually has it sort of planned out, what kind of rings he wants, timeframe, etc. which I guess means he has really been thinking about it.<p>Fine, whatever.<p>I broke down crying and told him that I love him so much, but I cannot live with someone who treats me with such little disrespect and the lies/deceit, I have to make it stop, it's never going to end, I told him. It was pretty intense.<p>He didn't understand (of course) and when I explained, finally said he understands if I don't want to be with him. But when he talks, it's always seperation and about us getting back together one day, and he wants me to promise not to date anyone else... But, in my head, I'm like "I just want a divorce, go away!!!"<p>To see his face, it's like I can't even bring up the "D" word, I think it would devastate him. He has no clue, when I talk about all this stuff, he thinks it means seperation.<p>He also said that I shouldn't compare the stuff that happened last year with this past trip where he didn't call and follow through with our agreement. (See to him, there is no more OW, so no issue). He said that he just walled himself up with this last trip because everything hurt so much and he didn't consciously make the choice not to follow through with our agreement. He just couldn't move. (I paraphrase there a bit). Last year, was different, he was a different person and just did things without thinking.<p>Lots of "I love you's" and other really good things the BS loves to hear.<p>But he didn't actually say he was sorry (y'no kind of but not really), apparently this is supposed to come a couple of weeks from now.<p>Again whatever.<p>I heard all the words, and I know that I can't go through with the D right now. I have to wait and see if his actions follow through. It just gets me mad to waffle back and forth like this, you guys all know how it is - it sucks. But, obviously I have to wait and see now.<p>I know, you'd think I'd be happy. Yeah, yippee. At least I was finally able to cry last night about all this. For a while, I just had no emotion, just blankness, and that scared me more than anything. I re-read my post and I seem so indifferent to it all...<p>I just have to wait and see I guess. My trust has been reduced to 0% again, so up the hill we go again (maybe)... It sucks.<p>He has all these plans... Date next weekend, vacation trip in the summer, I wish I could be happy, but now I have to have my guard up...<p>We'll see what my IC says on Friday I guess.<p>Another good thing is my H is taking my daugther to the doctor tomorrow. Which is good because that was one of the people my H has been avoiding like the plague since our doctor knows about the affair.<p>And I think he's been taking some of my meds cuz' the bottle seems to be depleting slowly. Hopefully he'll talk to the doctor about it tomorrow...<p>Sigh. Thanks Jo and Orchid for talking some sense into me the other night. At least I was able to talk to my H instead of LBing, which was probably the most important thing.<p>There's probably a ton of other stuff I forgot to mention. But, it was actually a really good night. At least we didn't sleep in seperate beds, and it did feel really good to TRY and believe him (but then reality hits - y'no).<p>We'll see. It won't kill me to wait another couple of weeks. D-day #1 will be a year next week.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
HbH

Hi HbH,<p>Good to hear from you. Well this situation is behind you and now to move forward is the only thing left. <p>I wish the best for the both of you. These next few weeks will be hard but you know where this place and all our #s. <p>Take Care and hugz,
L.

Hello, HbH, <p>You're right not to rush into D. There is always time for that. It appears that your H is finally feeling the need to open up some. That is good. But his behavior shows that he still has a lot of issues to deal with.<p>I wouldn't listen to the get divorced then remarry business. It doesn't make sense in any way. Fogese.<p>Don't give up on H yet. You still love him very much, and he may be opening up. Plus, he needs to get over this setback which he has not dealt with very well.<p>What do you plan for the anniversary of d-day? Are you going to do something together to get the date out of your mind, or are you going to try to make it an ordinary day? Your H acts like he is sorry, but doesn't know how to handle himself (which your comment about his background would explain). I hope that there is progress soon.<p>Be patient, hopeful. Best wishes to you,
Estes

Thanks Orchid... We shall see.<p>Estes, yeah, you are right on the $$ with most of that stuff. I don't actually know the date of my first D-day. I know the occasion and what happened that day, so I could do some research and find out - but I'm not really interested in that. Besides, it was D-day #2 that was the real heartache (the 2nd OW, the one he eventually went PA with), the first one was just a preview of what was to come. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So, no real plans this time. In April, May, June and July I will need to do something (D-day's or close D-day's about once a month and those dates are ingrained in my memory).<p>And, no, my H is not dealing with any of this really well. But, I guess I am sort of hopeful even though I don't want to admit it. We have to go through this in order to recover, my H HAS to go through this. I have been waiting for this for months... Our MC stopped BECAUSE my H was not taking responsibility or dealing with the issues. I just wish it didn't take OC to get the ball rolling because that just adds more complexity, pain, triggers, and fear.<p>We'll see... My H is one that tends to take a LONG time to put actions behind his words, although, honestly, I guess he usually does do them eventually.<p>I guess i have sort of calmed down now. But, I still refuse to believe until I see the actions and get the truth.<p>HbH

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>not much to say I suppose. I'm glad you posted an update for us. I've been wondering. Hang in there. Don't give up yet... it's GOT to be hard what he's dealing with. He's lucky to have you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Give him time to realize that and reciprocate. I hope he'll pull through.

Thanks BTDT.<p>Hi Faith. I know. Isn't it so horrible that the WS puts the BS through so much that I can barely even be there for him? <p>I mean, any other time in our lives, or if something similar was to happen that wasn't affair related - BAM, I'd be right there.<p>I mean, I did okay, but not nearly as supportive as I would have been otherwise. <p>All the lies, dishonesty, questioning of motives, etc. it just gets to you, y'no?<p>It's just sad, that's all. You try to find it in your heart to be as supportive and understanding as you can, but geesh, already, when does it stop?<p>GOOD NEWS!!! My H did start the Wellbutrin last week before his trip...<p>It shows me that he has accepted at least he needs help in that area, and that is huge for him.<p>He's no longer physically ill from OC, AND....<p>He is looking into how he makes his career a 9-5 job WITH LITTLE/NO TRAVEL!!!!!!<p>Which means we may have to re-locate once he's done his masters in a year or two, but at least it's not "I'm doing this and you have to live with it" (no options).<p>If you remember, H and I had huge arguments in like November over this cuz' he changed the aspect of his studies / career which meant he would now be traveling weeks at a time and not even be with his family 30-40% of the year when he finished school.<p>I HIGHLY disproved of this, was even ready to call it quits over it because that is not the type of life I want to live, but my H said "live with it cuz' that's my decision (paraphrase)". Our MC said to table it for now... So, my final personal decision was just that it hadn't happened yet, and I would deal with it when it came. I would probably hate it and need to divorce if my H refused to work with me, but I'd wait and see...<p>Now, it seems at least my H is thinking about my needs and his family's needs and working together on our future plans.<p>I was real happy when he started talking like this, he's finally taking my feelings in to consideration and not trying to run away (which y'all know was really what that whole traveling career was to begin with).<p>So, I guess I am starting to have hope again.<p>Guess I shouldn't pick on him about popping his "joy pills" like he did with me when I started on meds last June, huh? LOL<p>HbH

HbH,<p>The road really is crooked isn't it? And we just don't know where it is leading us. I hate it too.<p>Your H taking meds is good. That is responsibility taking. So is looking for other job options. So is facing people who 'know'.<p>Still there is a lot of road ahead of you both, and this additional damage that you really did not need or want. So, how is your health and how are your resources? Can you manage the bumps ahead?<p>Keep us posted.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay