I have been lurking on this message board for quite some time now and finally feel comfortable enough to post my lurid story. I want you all to know that I have cried with you, laughed with you, sympathized with you and prayed with you. <p>One year ago today my world came to an earth shattering halt. I was sent into a downward spiral of pain, hurt, confusion and disgust. I thought we were working on our marriage after initially finding out about my husbands affair a few months prior. I was plan A'ing my heart out with minor LB's. But something continued to gnaw at me, and that was his behavior. He was neither remorseful nor repentant and after being with this man for 30 years I knew that if he was truly remorseful he would have cried and begged for forgiveness. If it were really over he would have been devoting himself to me instead of trying to ignore me or be apart from me. Sure I brought these and many other items up for discussion only to hear him say that it was "over." How could it be over if he spoke of her in the present tense? He told me not to hang on every word that came out of his mouth. They still worked together up until a few weeks before this all came out in the open the second time and now he works no where near that area. He had all the pieces and I was trying to put the puzzle together without many of the pieces fitting well and missing quite a few. <p>For those few months I was trying to forgive him for his "mistake" and move on with our lives making our marriage better than it ever was. And in some ways I was succeeding. However, since the affair never really ended it made it very difficult to move forward. One year ago today he said (via phone) he had something to tell me. He said, "It's over as of today." I screamed as I felt an empty pit in my stomach and my heart and soul leave my body. How could he have done this to me not only once, but twice? I can tell you that even though I knew in my soul that the affair had continued it didn't lessen the pain when the truth finally came to the surface, again. One year ago this mistake took on a higher level of gravity.<p>This affair took place during his official mid-life-crisis. He lost weight and was obsessed with working out. Got himself a sporty new car (not red), new more stylish clothes for work and even changed his hair. Our counselor says that he was narcissistic and on an ego gratification kick. He went after this other woman because she was an easy mark due to her known reputation of sleeping with many of the men from the company. Does this make it any easier for me to accept? No. Do I realize that he was still in the fog for those few months? Yes. How do you move on? At times something will be bothering me and I try not to say anything but I feel as though it festers inside me until I talk to him about it.<p>I have put up a wall so high and so strong that no one has been able to penetrate because I am protecting myself from any further pain that I may incur. We are together and he is trying to make amends. He is trying to build up some level of trust by filling me in on his whereabouts and passwords but I find that I have a very difficult time allowing my guard down. He swears that he hasn't seen/heard from her in a year and that if he ever does it will be too soon. I still have my suspicions that perhaps they are talking and I am hoping it's my own paranoia. He is disgusted by his behavior during the affair and after the initial discovery. He cannot believe what he has done to me and our marriage and tells me constantly that I did not deserve all the pain he has caused. In the past year my husband has cried rivers. I know that he is truly remorseful and repentant and he begs me to continue to fight through the hard days and the triggers (abounding right now).<p>Aside from the wall I believe that our recovery is going well. The reason I believe that is because compared to one year ago we are able to talk without screaming. We are able to argue without tears (most of the time). We do spend more time together doing things we enjoy and there are even times when the affair is not brought up at all. We actually plan our weekends and what we are going to do together each day. THAT was nothing we had ever done in our married lives. That is progress I would say. I just have to find a way of allowing him back into my heart and taking the wall down brick by brick.<p>If you've made it thus far reading I thank you,
Scarlet Letter

Hi,<p>I can relate to what you wrote. My H is similar except he is emotionaless (is that word???!). Anyway, he too acts like he just wants to forget it and move on. Right. Like forget Sept 11, 2001? Not possible. H commented that me is upset that he does not feel the sorry he knows he should be feeling. Like a piece of him died back in the A. Well I believe a piece did die. He can either let it infect the rest of him and kill the entire being and family or remove the bad part of our lives, work on the good and move forward. Not on but forward. <p>It is soo hard. Trust is more difficult to restore than anything. Yet it is what we want and need first. I don't have the answers just a bunch of thoughts. <p>Hugz,
L.

bump

wow what a story! Thanks for sharing...<p>Q: Do you guys use the MB concepts for negotiating and working through the conflicts that arise nowadays?<p>Maybe the policy of joint agreement could help you work through some of the things that trigger your emotions into the brick wall state where you won't come out?<p>I'm just wondering what happens if one day he decides he is tired of trying making it up when you won't let him back in your heart??? Is his track record better? Are you sure he's done with his MLC acting out? Can you trust God with your H's actions? Can you trust God to protect your heart?<p>No one can blame you for building that wall. On the other hand, we do have to be honest and frank and vulnerable in order to achieve intimacy. Can you guys pray together? That could help?<p>I'm so sorry for what you went through. I can only imagine as I am not a BS, but an xOW... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>However, I do know that infidelity causes permanent pain in innocent lives and I have a son (OC) who reminds me of my role in causing someone like you pain - every day of his life. I love him with all my heart and even tho he is in his late teens, he still gives me hugs and kisses and squeezes and tells me he loves me. I feel so blessed to have him in my life. He has meant so many changes in my life for the better.<p>But sort of like you, I just have this stinging in my heart of wishing his innocent life could have been untainted by infidelity... (I am in no way comparing your pain to mine, just identifying YOUR innocence in the whole mess--with my son's innocence.)

Dear Orchid:<p>The trust is so hard to get back and I am not sure I will ever totally trust my husband again. I suppose the best we can expect is to be able to trust them enough that we won't have to be like a prison warden but be totally aware of any changes that might signify another affair. <p>You are completely correct, we will NEVER forget this ever happened. And there will be days or triggers that will set us off but from what I hear the pain lessens. <p>Thanks,
Scarlet

Dear BTDN:<p>I think my husband probably does a better job of adapting the guidelines for successful negotiation. Not to say that I don't abide by any just that sometimes it is tough for me to be pleasant and cheery while discussing something that may be bothering me. However, I do feel that we always come to a solution that is mutually beneficial. <p>As for the POJA, we have been able to discuss and come to decisions together. The thing that usually throws us is something unexpected. I don't mean something unexpected between the two of us but by outside influences. Recently we had an outside influence really send us, particularly me, for a loop. It could have all been avoided it he or I had opened our mouths but we are both too passive. That is something else we are working on lately.

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"I'm just wondering what happens if one day he decides he is tired of trying making it up when you won't let him back in your heart??? Is his track record better? Are you sure he's done with his MLC acting out? Can you trust God with your H's actions? Can you trust God to protect your heart?"<p>One thing I fear is that he will tire of trying to reconnect with me if the wall remains in place. His track record is better, although, I guess you would have to define that little more for me to be certain. His MLC is over, he no longer is obsessed with working out and has gained 60 pounds back since the second discovery. As far as God goes I have pulled away a bit since this all happened. I know that that is another wall I need to take down for my own benefit. My husband on the other hand has completely turned himself over to God. He prays constantly, reciting the rosary any time he is in the car which could be up to six rosaries a day. He goes to mass one additional day during the week and says some novenas. He is always apologizing to me for losing his focus in what was/is important to him and that is his wife, marriage and family. <p>One of the biggest things that I have found difficult is that the innocent one seems to have the most work to do to make this work.<p>Thanks for listening,
Scarlet<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: Scarlet Letter ]<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: Scarlet Letter ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Scarlet Letter:
<strong>...One of the biggest things that I have found difficult is that the innocent one seems to have the most work to do to make this work.<p>Thanks for listening,
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Of course, I'm listening. Like your husband, I feel I too have a lot of "making up" to do... I think that what has helped my OC recover from my affair is his relationship with God. While he doesn't have a relationship with his bio father, I did introduce him to his Heavenly Father early on--something I didn't have as a young one. At least I was able to give him that--imagine, me, with my past!? God is amazing how He can use fragments of our lives to create something magnificent.<p>I believe the Lord can help you get past your resentment before it takes a root of bitterness inside of you. Next thing you know, you will be criticizing your H's relationship with God, whether or not it's heartfelt or meaningful...<p>Like you said, I believe your H is trying his best to make up for his wrongdoing. At some point, we do need to realize that Jesus' Blood covers our sins, past, present, and future and there is nothing we can really do to earn it, just accept it. What a price that was paid for us to be in right-standing with God. Huh? How could we top that? I don't know about you but I'm far from being willing to die for my enemies at this point! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now, I ask you, if God paid the price to forgive those who have hurt us, why can't we? I'm not judging you, I have to ask myself this same question.<p>I think you are right not to trust your H or any human being. Only trust God. He's the only one who deserves all our trust and our whole heart because He is the only one who can really and truly protect us from harm.