I have been married for a little over 5 years, havea 2 year old little girl who I adore and about 4 months ago ran into an old lover from graduate school and now meet him 1-2 times per week for lovemaking sessions at his house and dinners out etc. etc. I just got back this morning from spending the night at his house while my in-laws were in town watching our baby overnight at their hotel (my husband went out to play cards with friends, I told them I was going out on the town with friends when I actually went to his house, made love for several hours, went out to dinner, went in the jacuzzi and made love most of the night) I love my husband and daughter however this man gives me something that my husband I think is incapable fo giving me. I feel very guilty however not guitly enough to stop.
I love my affair. It is the most exciting thing that has happened to me in years. He is a fabulous lover but most of all he listens to me and adores me. My husband upon me leaving the house Saturday night to go to my lovers house did not even ask exactly where I was going (though I had told him earlier in the week of my plans) He could barely look up from the opening night of the olympics on TV. I felt like telling him where I was going just to see if he was really listening. What is worse is on Sunday morning upon returning home he barely asked how my night was etc. only that he slept a lot better without me tapping him to roll over (he snores) !Wow! What an eye opener for me! We also used to have a fabulous sex life--even up until I began to see this other man--this other man is above and beyond my wildest expectations which is disappointing as it has since affected my physical relationship with my spouse (of course). I have tried to incorporate new things into our lovemaking however my husband is often too tired or claims he is "too turned on" and we wind up spending only minimal time together.<p>I know it is wrong, I do know that. Why am I doing this and has anyone been in this situation, what happens next? What should I do? I love them both. THe affair will never lead to marriage-ever-it is more fun than anything else plus we are from very different cultural backgrounds (jewish vs. iranian)<p>Please write and let me know what you think

Because you are here, it seems to me that you want to end the A (affair) and work on your M (marriage). Good for you!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>To be blunt, you are not being fair to your H (husband) by being with this OM (other man). True, your OM is fulfilling needs that your H is not, but does your H know what those needs are? I mean REALLY KNOW??? (no reading between the lines, beating around the bush, etc hints from you either - have you flat out told him what you need from him?).<p>To make your M fulfilling takes two. You and your H. To give it its full chance at that, you need to end things with your OM. It will be devastating at first. But you owe this to you, your H, your dd (dear daughter), and your M.<p>Read as much as you can on this website (I'm sure others will post links for you - I would, but I don't know how to do that!). There are many articles on here from all sides of an affair situation (the BS - betrayed spouse, the WS - wayward spouse, the OP - other person, etc). Read them as soon as you can.<p>And please continue posting on here for advice. There are more BS's than WS's on here, but enough of both to get a good view of both sides.<p>Take care, and welcome to MB. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Hi, <p>Welcome to MB. If you want to clear your fog and work on your marriage you have come to the right place. There are tools here that can help both you and your H. Not you and the OM. <p>Go over to the Just found out site and read the posts by OneGoing. They are designed to get you acquainted with the tools and info available here at MB. Some of it are books and questionnaires that can help you. It will take some time and energy but worth it if your intentions are for restoring your M. <p>You have been brutally honest with us and I must say what you wrote hurts and I am not even your H?!?!? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now you must digest the info here and decide how and when to face your H. His reaction may be different than you expect. I think he may already know what you are doing just not the attitude nor the degree. But read here. There are other WS' like yourself that came here and learned to heal. Healing for yourself and then your H will come if you each are willing to put forth the effort. <p>Take Care,
L.

Princess,
You said it yourself, this A will never lead to marriage. What exactly do you want out of it? Just what you have now? Do you want to stay married to your H? I know all to well the feel-ings the OM gives you. I am also a WS. It was very exciting & the sex was great! I thought to, that OM was giving me what my H never could. I was so wrong!!! I confessed to my H & we are working it out. I have completly fallen back in love with him. But, that didn't & couldn't happen as long as I was with OM. If you do want to make your marriage work, you HAVE TO give this man up. I know it will be hard, but that's what you'll need to do. You will never be able to really see your H & what you do love about him, until OM is out of your life.

Princess,
You said it yourself, this A will never lead to marriage. What exactly do you want out of it? Just what you have now? Do you want to stay married to your H? I know all to well the feel-ings the OM gives you. I am also a WS. It was very exciting & the sex was great! I thought to, that OM was giving me what my H never could. I was so wrong!!! I confessed to my H & we are working it out. I have completly fallen back in love with him. But, that didn't & couldn't happen as long as I was with OM. If you do want to make your marriage work, you HAVE TO give this man up. I know it will be hard, but that's what you'll need to do. You will never be able to really see your H & what you do love about him, until OM is out of your life. <p>Chelle

Princess,<p>You found your way here. Awesome. Great start.<p>Hope this doesn't sound too blunt, but if it starts feeling that way, come back up and read this line...<p>You owe to yourself, YOUR DAUGHTER!!!! and your husband to make this work.<p>Now, here's the step by step.
1. Write a letter to the other man (OM) ending the affair (A). No appologies, no regrets. Simply tell him it's over, your going to make your marriage work and you can never see or talk to him again in any way shape or form. Make a copy. Send the letter (DON'T HAND DELIVER IT).
2. Tell your husband (H) about the affair and give him the copy of the letter. (ask some other around here about the order, it may be best to tell H first and have him help you write the letter).
3. Go to the library, bookstore or click here to get Surviving An Affairby Drs. Harley and Chalmers. (again, this may be step 1).<p>This sounds drastic, but think about it. Would you throw yourself in front of a car for your kid? This won't hurt as much. Do it Princess. You'll be so, so glad you did. It'll take a while, but it CAN BE AWESOME!!!!! I've been there. I know.

Hi Princess,
You can find my story here. I encourage you to read it before you go on. That way you will see that I KNOW what you are talking about! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Go ahead....I'll wait...........<watching Olympics>............ [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Ok, so you can see I have a sense of humor. I also have a deep respect for anyone who wants to work on their marriage. I KNOW IT IS HARD WORK. So does my H, as he posted to you already. But the rewards are SO worth it.
Yes, I can relate to the "THIS IS FUN" attitude. For a long time I didn't want mine to end either. I was being paid attention too! He knew me better than anyone else I had ever met before. He could tell by the tone of my voice that something was wrong.....then time started to show its effects. On many things. I NEVER wanted a divorce. I wanted my cake and eat it too. I was having fun and getting my needs met with very little work. I could still be a wife and mother, was still a good employee, a friend to others...right? But how could I live with myself, knowing that I was tearing apart lives?
You see, an affair affects everyone close to you. You will alienate yourself from your friends, family, co-workers. NOT TO MENTION THE MAN YOU MARRIED! And what about that beautiful little girl that you love so dearly? She looks into your eyes and just trusts you with your whole soul. She doesn't have to work hard at it, for her it just happens. Lucky her!
We have to work at those feelings...trust, love, happiness.
You had asked if anyone knew why you were having an affair. Well, only you have the answer to that one. We can all guess, but that wouldn't be right. I can tell you why I had mine. I wasn't getting what I needed from my H nad didn't know how to make that happen. I hadn't found this site yet. You have a great advantage! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You can learn from so many folks here, who have been in your shoes, some still are.
The best piece of advise I can give you is love yourself. I don't mean pay attention to yourself, for that is precisely what you are doing now. I mean LOVE yourself. TAKE CARE OF YOU, be the person you want your daughter to look at in 20 years with that same look of trust on her face. You may very well find out that you can be happy with your H...in ALL ASPECTS!!! It is hard to feel excited about someone though if they aren't meeting your emotional needs. That is why OM is attractive to you right now.
OK, I'm just about out of steam. Read the columns and advice here. This is an amazing site! you get all this help....free!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] If you have any questions for me, please don't hesitate to ask.
Have a good night!

My husband upon me leaving the house Saturday night to go to my lovers house did not even ask exactly where I was going (though I had told him earlier in the week of my plans)
Why are you upset he didn't ask you what you were doing that night?
You told him of your plans earlier in the week and you are his wife. Why should he mistrust you?

Well, if I hadn't already read more bizarre stories than your's, I'd acccuse you of making a hoax. Alas, my own story is more bizarre.<p>Take this from someone who has lost a child AND a marriage: You'd do ANYTHING for your daughter, wouldn't you? So why not try to give her a good family?

Bump....Princess, are you there?

Princess,
I assume that by your being Iranian (I had already guessed that by your name) that you are Muslim. Being a Muslim myself, that is what finally made me end my affair. Without going totally religious here, I knew what punishment is promised in the Quran for adultery and really want no part of that. Now, I am going to stop here on this part...because while I am Muslim, I won't pretend to be a good one. Just curious, is your husband Iranian as well? I was married to an Egyptian man for 18 years. This would have some bearing on some of the things I would like to share with you. I hope that you will email me and I can tell you some things that might make a difference on how you handle this. <p>Of course, the affair is exciting...most stuff that's taboo is exciting. And great sex is wonderful...and I know that there are some things about Middle Eastern men that cannot even be discussed with them. <p>But to get down to it. I think you must end the affair. For your sake and your daughter's. God will forgive us anything (we know that) but we still can't continue to do things that we know are wrong.<p>Please, please, sister, email me. franklymydear59@yahoo.com or wndywmn559@aol.com

hello princess:<p>I have to tell you to stop affair and stop it right now. don't see this other guy because you have no idea what you are going to put yourself and your family through. <p>I know that in your culture you have not had a lot of sexual partners and now that you are married you are testing the waters and sure it may be fun and exciting but it is a WRONG. it is the greatest of pains you will ever experince once your husband finds out about this. think what you to loose not what you are getting from the other guy. Be strong and end your marriage if you are unhappy.
I hope you will do the right thing .
The choice is yours: What goes up Must come down! and when its comes to the down time .... I tell it will hurt and it will hurt bad ....
best wishes.

I won't "tell" you to end your affair, because that's a decision that is solely yours to make. None of us needs to tell you that it's very wrong, as well...you've already stated that you know this for a fact.<p>I was in much the same boat as you regarding my relationship and my A...I was a WS, as well, and I met my OM through the internet. My SO was HORRIBLY neglectful for years.<p>What makes an affair wrong...have you ever wondered about it? The main thing would probably the fact that an affair is based on secrets and lies (and withheld information is a "lie of omission").<p>For whatever reason, you aren't willing or able to communicate with your H about what you need out of a relationship that you're not getting. The assumption here is that your H would not be "big enough" to handle what you have to say in a responsible manner. <p>Your fear is a justification for withholding this information...fear that your H would leave you, or make you feel that you should leave. By holding on to the affair and continuing to withhold communicating what you need, you are able to hang on to your justifications for having the affair and able to avoid the fear of facing the repurcussions of your actions.<p>Having the affair will eventually wear away at your sense of self, though...the cost of holding in these withheld communications is a sense of our "aliveness"...you'll feel better about yourself once you confront the issues in your relationship with your H and work towards resolving them. Having an affair is only escapism, a way to have our cake and eat it, too (i.e. the steady relationship and the exciting one at the same time)...but this feeling won't last.<p>Good Luck...and we'll be here to help if you have any questions or need advice [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 13, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

Well you are definately welcome here on MB since you came here to see what you can change.. thats good. everyone's replies have been covered things, but I wanted to reitterate a BS' point of view.
Of course you make your own path, but I want you to know, if you care ANYTHING about your husband even as a human being, you *should* to tell him, before he finds out. The PAIN of being a BS dealing with this crap is unimaginable and I would not wish it on anyone. It is ONLY be magnified by the fact that he had to find out himself, that you did not trust him OR RESPECT him as a friend at least to tell him. <p>Wake up, give your H the CHANCE to deal with it.

You have received excellent information and advice from those who have walked in your shoes.<p>I was in your H's shoes, and I'd be willing to bet that what you are seeing is a man who feels the loss of his W and is terrified of facing that. I doubt that it is a lack of concern or caring. If he is like all of us here, he has been suspecting for some time and has felt in his gut that you are just not "there", and he feels helpless to know what to do about it. He may be feeling so rejected and finding it impossible to know how to approach you or the situation.<p>And he is fighting with everything in him to give you every benefit of the doubt rather than believe that you are doing exactly what you are doing. What man on earth would want to imagine his W and the mother of his child doing such a thing and then forcing him to have sloppy seconds without his knowledge or consent? You have stolen all of his dignity. Haven't you punished him enough? I have yet to meet a person who deserves this.<p>If there is anything more painful than being a BS, I would think it would be being a cognizant repentant WS. While this is the most awful thing that has ever happened to me, I think I would be in much greater pain if I was responsible for inflicting this on another human being. And this is why I have compassion for the WSs here. I hope you find your way.

Princess,
I know this will be a long post but I really can't help that. I am not trying to bash you in any way, so please don't feel as so. I am a BS and and am somewhat happy that you are here. This lets me know that you are feeling somewhat convicted about the things you are doing. If this was not the case I don't think you would be trying to justify your actions the way you did in your post. I have inclosed her a letter written by a WS to a WS that was posted here. I hope it helps.
HARD2WAKEUP<p>
Good morning everyone...been gone for the weekend!! I have been reading posts this morning...wow...pretty active weekend. I wanted to share with you, if you dont mind, a letter that I posted for Orchid in Plan A/Plan B forum to WS, hoping to maybe help someone...there are many more things I could have said, but felt I said too much anyway. I was just trying to help maybe burn off some fog for some WS and to let them know they are welcome and understood more than they know...I hope you all had a good weekend and have an even better Monday!! Keep the faith...
Trueheart<p>Orchid...Sorry this took so long! I had a busy weekend, but you guys were all in my thoughts and prayers!!! Here goes...I hope it helps someone out there that reads it...
Dear WS's everywhere,<p>Thank you for taking the time and effort to read this letter. I am writing this in hopes that your BS has brought you here in order that you might understand you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. It is intended to give you a measure of comfort and hope that you can feel safe as you come out the fog that has enveloped you so tightly over the past weeks, months, or years. <p>I do not know m any of you by name, nor do I know of all the details or circumstances surrounding your life, or your affair(s). What I do know is that we share two very important things in our lives and makes us somewhat connected as a WS. I am hoping that I can help you come back to the light, so that you can come back to the light that has, for so long, shielded you with that dense fog you may still be in. <p>The first thing that we share is the love of a person that totally, completely, and unconditionally stand by our side. Through thick and thin, for better or worse, in our darkest hours, we have someone that has always believed in us, and still does. They have put up with our lies, our anger, our accusations, and maybe in some cases verbal and/or physical abusiveness. They have watched us trash us the things they believed in more than anything in the world...our marriage, our vows, our trust and our love. In spite of it all, they see in us their hopes, their dreams, and their futures. They can't, nor do they want to, see themselves without us for the rest of their lives. They accept our imperfections and our infidelity as we have strayed from that which we know is wrong. They have continued to believe in us and want to help us right the ship and stay the course. They are willing to forgive us, grant us our mistakes, and come home to rebuild that life and make it better. They know they are not perfect, as well. They know they have made mistakes. They need us to open up, talk to them and give them answers so that they can learn, heal, and help repair the damage. They will accept their responsibility in these things. Can you? We, most of us, alsoe have children that look at us, and see only the love of a Mom or a Dad. They don't see us as imperfect, scared, or angry. They see us as a shelter, a safe haven where they can laugh, cry, hurt, be silly or serious, and tell us their fears or fantasies. We are their safety net when they fall. They look to us for answers in life, no matter how big or small the answers are. Our life changed, no matter much we didn't want it to when we helped create that life. We owe our children the best chance to learn from us. We owe them our unconditional, total, and complete love, so that they can start on the journey with as few bumps and bruises as possible. They look to you for truth in their lives. To deny them that chance, is a travesty. You took an oath, in your heart and mind, to protect and defend and teach YOUR child, as soon as they were created. So, you see, you have people in your life that believe in you, love you, accept you, want you, need you, cherish you, and the list goes on and on. <p>I know for a fact, that many of you, when with the OP, badmouth your spouse. You tell the OP how they do all the right things, fill you up, make you feel alive, do all the things your spouse does not, or used to do. You tell this person they are everything you ever wanted. They arouse you, they make you happy...interesting how you told your spouse that at one time too. And, the truth is, if you were to search your heart, you are not letting them do that now. They want to, they beg you to let them try...you justify your A, by telling them "I just don't feel that for you anymore", "I don't know if I want to be married anymore", "I dont know what I want", and a myriad of other flimsy reasons and excuses to buy time to spend with the OP. You give justifications that are so superficial they can't hold water. We even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to cheat and find a reason to say it is ok. What we should be doing is finding every reason for our BS to forgive us. We should be finding every reason to stay together, to come home, to make it right, to be a family...loving and supportive, forgiving and trusting. And you know what? Those reasons are there...everyday...the smile, the laugh, the tears, the love....they are there each and everyday!! Just look!!!<p>The second thing we share is the fact that we are all weak!! I know full well the pain, anger, frustration, fear, embarrassment, passion, fun, laughter, love, fear, and all the rest of the wide range of emotions of having an A. I know what is like to have that OP fill up your senses...so full and so fast you wonder how you ever made it without them. The sex is great, the passion is overwhelming, you can't wait to see them, touch them, hear them...all the while drifting further and further from your marriage...lost in the fog. NO matter how we justify it, that other person...is a cheater, as well. They know we are married and they choose to cheat with us. And in many cases, probably have before, and have told the other person they are with, all the same, exact things they tell us. "You are my soulmate" "you are the only one for me" etc etc. We have heard em all and said em all. We have been told they can make us happy "for the rest of our lives". WE have been so blinded by it all, that we give up family and friends we have had for years, in order for this OP to feel safe with us and convince them how we feel. We take all the energies that we don't use at home, and give them to someone "new". We spend money, time, and energy to build something with someone exciting, instead of spending that with someone that knows us and truly loves us. You see, the truth is, that we, both members of the affair, are very good at one thing....telling each other exactly what we want to hear. We put together elaborate speeches, write poetry, find mushy cards, send the "perfect" gifts, say the right things...all for this other person. Both of us continue to hone our "cheating" skills to the point of perfection. What ever happened to doing that to your spouse, instead of leaving them at the side of the road with a flat tire? We have derailed their entire life and emotionally checked out...in order to make us feel better about the affair. That simply isn't right. We took years to build something. We may have taken several years to weaken the foundation of it. But in one simple night of lust, and that is what it is, lust, we tried to destroy it. If we truly "loved" this person, if we truly believed what we were doing is right, true, and good, there would be no indecision on our part. There would be no hesitancy at all. The bottom line is that, you can trust the person you are cheating with less than you can trust yourself. It is a proven fact that only 25% of all affairs ever make it. Deep down in your heart, you still love your spouse, and you know it. You don't want to give up the excitement and passion you have found. The truth is that your marriage will never again go back to what it was. The blind faith in each other is gone....it is replaced with doubt and fear. The wonderful thing is that you now have a chance to "rediscover" your spouse, your marriage, and your family. It is not as hard as you may think, but will take some dedication on your part. But the beauty of the whole thing is you will be stronger and more in love than you ever thought you could be. You create new memories, new routines, a new life. You re-commit, reinvest your time and energies in that which truly loves you. The truth is most affairs end when the OP either gets what they thought they needed from you, and even more of them end when the OP finds another WS. Oddly enough, you weren't enough for them either. In the end you are left with no loving spouse, no children, no family, no friends.....and your OP that was so steadfastly dedicated to you is off romping with "the love of their life". I know from whence I speak, my friends. I know of the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, the look in my childrens eyes when I left the house. I hear the sounds of my W crying, begging, pleading, and hurting. I now see what a fool I was. I now spend everyday, more happy than I ever thought I could be. If the world were to end tomorrow, she would know I loved her as no other. No, she won't ever forget about the A, and along the way, there will be things that will trigger her mind, but, she has forgiven. You need to talk to your spouse to help them. YOU are the only one that can help them. They need you, much more now than ever before. You have to swallow that pride of yours, for them to heal. You have to open your life up to them, and hide nothing. You have to make it about them. The affair was making it about you, so now you owe it to them, no matter how embarrassed you are, no matter how much you don't wnat to talk about it, to make it about them. Their piece of mind, their feelings are all that matter. They know, from being here, what they need to do in order to help meet your needs. It is now up to you, to learn what you need to do in order to meet theirs. And make no mistake about it, it will be hard work, but it is oh so worth it!! This person you married, is willing to work with you in order to show you the love you deserve!! Are you willing to work to show them how much you truly love them?? By being here, at Marriage Builders, they have shown that they are willing to adopt the principles that it takes to put their marriage back together. They have pledged their love, and even their support, to your recovery, as well as theirs. They have accepted the crumbs you have offered them, while knowing full well you were at the buffet with the other person in your life. You have one of the strongest, most committed, most wonderful, loving, and caring people in the world on your side. Don't expect them not be angry from time to time. Don't expect them to be perfect, let you off the hook, and not talk about it with you. They need and want to understand you and all the things surrounding what happened. It is part of the healing process. What you can expect is love, honesty, and the rebuilding of your marriage. They know what it takes to make things work now. They also know that they, as well as you, have to be stronger than ever before in their life, if this is going to work. That is why they are still here...they understand. They even know, that you may backslide in the beginning, but are willing to deal with that, in order to preserve and protect that which they believe in ......YOU. I implore you, WS, burn off the fog. See the sand that is your foundation for the affair. There is no solid basis for this relationship..it is all smoke and mirrors that reflects this "love" you have found. Run, do not walk, back home and give your marriage all the energy, gifts, poems, cards, and love that you have given to the affair. The results are remarkable. But you have to be willing to be honest with yourself, first of all. You have to admit there is a problem, and you have to be willing to fix it, with your spouse, a counselor, whatever or whoever it takes to fix it. You have to be willing to want to be there in mind, body, and spirit. You will find a love more wonderful than anything you knew before. <p>I hope this helps, in some way, to show you what life can be after an affair. I know that I am blessed with the most wonderful person. I was given the opportunity to feel what life was like without her, and it was not what I wanted. I found the answers I sought...I found them both here, and in her arms. I can only hope, that in some small way, you find the same thing, and that I helped the fog to lift. If you ever wish to talk to someone who understands what we WS go through, then feel free to write me...trueheart42@hotmail.com. There is a path back home. You need only choose it! Keep the faith!<p>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<p>Trueheart<p>
[img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you so much for all of your advice. By the way, I am the Jew and my affair is with an Iranian man. Prior to marriage I had other lovers so the curiosity thing was not a factor at all. I have expressed to my husband many times what my needs are. I have written them, spoken them, cried them etc. He always says "okay, I'll work on it" and then the issues gets glossed over by affectionate behavior or helping around the house or something of that nature. I am beginning to believe that perhaps my expectations of my spouse are too high for him to ever achieve. I come from a very wealthy family and though my husband has a good job, it is nowhere near the money I have known my whole life. I do not think ultimatley this is the issue however my affair has money and provides me with a sense of "being taken care of" which is such a huge thing for me. I hold a Masters degree, have a great job and am by no means helpless however now with our child, I want to have my husband be the provider and I want to be the mom and wife.<p>My parents are also not too thrilled with my spouse lately for not taking control of things financially. This is a huge influence on me. This week I actually wrote my spouse a letter which stated that if things did not change between us I was not sure if I wanted to be married anymore. I left the letter in his car at night and he leaves before we wake up so called me from work in the morning. He was very upset and asked me to come and meet him. I did. He said that he loves me and does not want to not be married to me however I must understand from his perspective that he can never live up to my family's expectations and that he will never be a millionaire or a high achiever. These are factors that I have already known as we have been together for 11 years. I think what it gets down to is that what you want at 20 vs. what you want at 30 is vastly different and hopefully your spouse will ebb and flow with those changes. At 20 the only thing I wanted was a cool guy and great sex. Now at 30 I want more stability, more drive etc. in my husband. My affair is very successful, takes care of things for me and when we are together he insists that I relax and allow his house to be my sanctuary. This is like a dream to me. I know this is hurtful should my husband ever discover this whole thing however I honestly think my husband is one of the most unobservant person in the world. I pay all of our bills so phone calls would never be an issue. THough I never pay for anything when I am with my affair, if I did, it would go unnoticed. My affair bought me a ring which I wore on my right hand for several weeks and not one time did my husband even notice it! <p>Perhaps I am doing all of this for some attention from my husband--who knows. My affair actually went out on a date last night. I don't know how I feel about this, we have no legal ties (not that seems to be an issue lately) however he is a "free agent" and has every right to date, he is not the married one and has his own needs I suppose.<p>These issues lately with my parents and my spouse have also been a topic with my affair as well. He and I discuss in detail things I should say to my husband to make things better, my affair wants my marriage to work and knows that a lot of our relationship (the affair) is basically an escape from reality for me. <p>My affair and I went to graduate school together back in 1993. We had kept in touch over the years via e-mail and random phone calls however it wasn't until 1998 that I saw him again for dinner (didn't tell me husband then either) and we would up kissing that night and I felt horrible about it and did not talk to him again until this past year after the 9/11 attacks (he is Iranian and I called him to see how he was doing etc. etc.) and that is when this whole thing started up again.<p>I think perhaps I am demented in some way for not feeling as guilty as I should. I know I should however I feel like I ask my husband for things (needs to be met) and he basically does not or cannot meet them so I am seeking them elsewhere. <p>I don't want to get too much into sexual specifics as we all know this is not about sex per se, however my husband does not like oral sex (on me, BJ's for him are another story!) this man I am seeing is obsessed with "going down" on me which is incredible! I can't imagine my husband going months without a BJ, why should I? Yes, I have asked why, showered etc. etc. it is a control thing I think.<p>Whew! I am exhausted and developed carpal tunnel as well! One last point is that my affair is moving away soon (May sometime) for business. I am relieved however he is planning to get an apartment at the half way point and wants to meet me on a regular basis. Now we are getting into a weird area and something I am not comfortable with. It is all too much for me sometimes. <p>I am a good person, I come from a great family, am highly educated and love, love , love my daughter. I also love, love ,love my husband! I just don't get my needs met! Isn't life too short not to get what you need???? Am I the most selfish person in the world or what?? WHo do I think I am????<p>I am so tired of beating myself up. Someone else take over for me, okay? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The person who wrote I Should write my affair a letter and then tell my spouse, let me tell you, I have no intention of EVER exposing this to my husband-EVER. No way.<p>Someone wrote about having their cake and eating it too. I guess that is me. I have spent my whole life taking care of everyone around me and I deserve to be taken care of as well. DOn't I?

Princess,<p>I have a question. Your last statement just really struck me. You claim that you have spent your whole life taking care of people. But earlier you claim to be from a very wealthy family that pretty much indulged you. You claim you like what the OM is doing and alluded to the fact that you were used to it with your family.<p>In all of your writings you claim your H is less than adequate in most every way. Your family thinks he is less than adequate, but you won't tell him of your affair. You won't give him a chance. Why??? <p>You claim you love your H, but dear lady you don't love him, if you did you won't be doing this. You wouldn't have had an attraction to OM since 1998. You would not be so cavalier threatening the stability of your family.<p>What I want to know, is what do you want from the people here? You don't want help your OM is too perfect. You don't want your marriage, your H meets absolutely none of your needs according to you. What do you need? <p>If it is approval and a pat on the head that you are really a good woman and justified in your actions, although very very young at 30, then you are in the wrong place. Let us know and then we'll see if we can help.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Yes, you do deserve to be taken care of, we all do. But according to the MB beliefs, you are not going about it the right, honourable and true way.<p>The basic idea that we want to drum into your system (pardon the wording [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) is that you should do your damnedest to work on your marriage, and step one to doing that is to end your affair.<p>Working on the M takes two. And, if over time, by using the MB principles, your needs are still not being met by your H, then by all means, seek a separation or a divorce from him. If it reaches that stage, then you could look to seeking out a relationship that fills your needs.<p>As a BS, I can see myself in your H's shoes. I too was told many times by my H what he needed (he didn't come right out and say things often, but he did give me obvious hints). I shrugged it off. But when things turned for the worse, and he ended up having affairs, that was the kick in the butt I needed to meet his needs. It shouldn't have been that way. But that is how it was. In that respect, it may be to your advantage to tell your H about your A. At least ask him hypothetically what he would do, or talk to him in 3rd person "I have a friend who is having an affair". <p>Why are you afraid to tell your H? Have you considered how he would react if he found out about it through another source?<p>Karen

"What I want to know, is what do you want from the people here? You don't want help your OM is too perfect. You don't want your marriage, your H meets absolutely none of your needs according to you. What do you need? "<p>"If it is approval and a pat on the head that you are really a good woman and justified in your actions, although very very young at 30, then you are in the wrong place. Let us know and then we'll see if we can help."<p>I guess you hit the nail on the head. I have no idea what I need. You are right, I don't want to not be married, however my mate meets none of my needs (hello, fear?) My affair is too perfect, you are right again. I guess perhaps this is something I must figure out on my own. THough I appreciate all of the input, I really have no clue of what to do and at this point, coming "clean" is not going to happen.<p>I did ask my husband recently if he had the opportunity to sleep with someone he found attractive, would he, if there was no way to be "caught" and he said "No way". I challenged him and mentioned several celebrities and he still said "no way". He is too good for me I suppose.<p>Also, just because I came from a wealthy family does not mean that I have not taken care of my husband for the last 11 years of our relationship. In college I wrote his papers, took his exams, etc. et.c paid his bills, registered his cars etc, etc, I suppose I have infantalized him and now I am resentful that he cannot handle anything. I have created a monster, so to speak, in him as well as myself.<p>Thank you again for your advise and opinions, they mean a lot.