Today my H was supposed to go and look for apartments. While he was getting ready, I asked if I could discuss some things, as a friend, that I have noticed about his OW. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I really care for him both as my H and as my best-friend and care what happens to him. I said I wasn't bashing her but some things just don't make sense to me. First, she told him he is too easily manipulated by people and he should start doing what he wants, not what other people tell him to do. That, I believe, is why he is acting the way he is by saying he isn't going to be influenced any more, he is going to do what he thinks is right from now on. Second, she said she doesn't want him to leave me for her, it has to be for his own reasons. Now, of course, he decides he isn't in love with me, etc. Then, according to her religion, she is not allowed to engaged in sexual intercourse with a man until they are married. However, as I have found other, other types of sex are just fine! Also, even though she doesn't want him to leave me for her, she also has no problem having an A with him while we are still together. I told him these statements are all so contradictory they should send up red flags! He says that he has this deep emotional/sexual connection with her that he doesn't have with me. I told him from what I have read, that type of love is called romantic love. However, romantic love always eventually turns into a mature love. He has to realize that once this stage of love goes away, can he or will he want to have a life with this person. I believe the romantic love feeling is the only thing between them. He hugged me and asked me what he should do. I was strong (or at least tried to sound like I was strong) and said I cannot tell him what to do. I, of course, hoped he would stay, but that decision is only one he can make. I asked if he wanted to leave and he said no, but it is like he doesn't want to give up the other relationship either. I told him he cannot have both, it isn't fair to either of us. If he feels he needs to move out, than that is what he should do because I cannot make him stay. I told him that was very hard to say and he said that was great, he can see I am changing and becoming stronger. He got up (crying) and said it was time for him to be a man and do what is right. He just left to talk to her. I am so hopeful, but am not holding my breath. It will take some time for me to fully believe he is ending it. I am still going to work on being stronger and maybe even a little distant to him and let him come to me when he is ready. I don't want to put any pressure on him (because I don't want him to blame me for making him end it). I can't wait until my book (Divorce Remedy) comes in the mail so I can start reading it and following those suggestions. I want to do everything possible to make my marriage work and be better than ever (even if he isn't quite there yet).<p>Well, he left 4 1/2 hours ago to meet with her to "talk" and I haven't heard from him. I know this isn't a good sign and I am really getting scared. I am trying to prepare myself for the possibility he didn't break it off. If that is the case, I realize my only option to stop this up and down (which is extremely painful) is to ask him to move out until he decides what to do and he that is to come home, he will really need to prove to me he means it and that it is over. I hoped never to have to do this, but it just seems nothing else is working. I just cannot allow him to keep putting me through this. Does anyone have any other recommendations or should I, indeed, ask him to leave? That is my last resort and it is going to kill me to do it. Please help!!!!!!!!!<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: hurtandafraid ]</p>

I am sorry you are faced with this situation...it is not fun!!<p>It sounds like your H is torn...and that is not a bad sign...at least you and your family are still in the picture.<p>Have you read all the articles on this site--especially about plan A and plan B. It sounds like you will have to establish some boundaries for yourself--so that you can survive this rollercoaster.<p>Your H. sounds like he needs to experience the loss of his family. <p>It is not an easy course to take...and I will keep you in my prayers. Take Care Patty

Okay.<p>#1: Do NOTHING tonight. Do not ask him to leave, and do not LB or fight. Way, way too emotional to be making such heavy decisions. You need time to do what is right for you.<p>#2: What truly are your boundaries? Do not do anything until you have sorted this out, for the same reasons.<p>#3: If you decide that your boundary is that you cannot have this man in your life while he is with OW, okay. But there are no in between's here. If that is it, then that is it, and you go to plan B and ask him to leave with all of the plan B stuff associated with that.<p>#4: If you are just trying to stop your pain and you really, honestly, do not have a boundary such as described in #3, then you need to take a step back and ask yourself how you are going to remain in plan A. What will you do to help yourself stay there until 1). a time limit you set has expired, 2). he passes one of your boundaries, 3). your love bank is nearly out and you need to plan B NOW.<p>I hope this helps. It is never a good idea to make such big decisions in the emotional state you will be in when he gets home tonight. If things turn south, get away, and calm yourself down, simply tell him you cannot talk about this tonight, you are too hurt/emotional/confused, etc.<p>You have alot of thinking to do. I am not familiar with your story, and for that, I do apologize. I hope this is not redundant to information you have already received.<p>Hugz,
HbH

hi Hurt ~<p>Guess what? Read the TOW boards and you'll see LOTS of them feel absolved from any guilt because their MM "didn't leave for them".<p>They just seem to ignore the fact that the marriage can't be repaired while they are hanging around waiting for their MM to "leave for his own reasons, not for me".<p>And if your H is serious about ending with the OW, he shouldn't be doing it by going to talk to her. If its really his intention, then there really is nothing to say other than: "I've hurt my wife and family terribly, I'm going to fix my life, please never contact me again."<p>Going to talk to her face to face means that its not over and he'll be sucked right back into it.<p>It's not over. <p>
So now the ball is in your court. What are you going to do? You have the right to ask him to move...I did. You have the right to ask for a divorce too. If you want to save your marriage, you have several different tactics to take.<p>Have you read the material on this site? How about a call to Steve Harley?<p>Btw, it's been my experience, and also the experience of other people I've talked to from these boards, that Steve can read and predict the situation so accurately its almost uncanny [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Its worth the money to find out what he thinks you should do.

Well, unfortunately my husband didn't come home for almost 10 hours! And this was to tell OW it was over! When he got home, he said he had met her at her friend's house. The couple decided to take them out to dinner in the city and then for drinks. I am not stupid and don't believe you do this when you go the end a relationship. Of course,when he got home he was very defiant and said I was not his keeper. He said he is sticking with his original plan to move out. This morning he was circling some apartments in the newspaper. He then left, without saying goodbye or telling me where he was going or when he would be back. I spoke to a couple of my friends and my sister and they all recommended I ask him to leave soon because it is becoming too difficult for me to deal with this up and down process. He has "ended" it almost 6 or 8 times in the last 4 months with her only to start back up again. Unfortunately she is a coworker so contact is unavoidable. When he got home I asked if he had found place. He said he hadn't yet. I told him that I think it is time he really needs to look and find a place soon. He said he needed $800 for the first months rent and a finder's fee to a realtor. He asked me why I felt this way and I said it was because the tension is becoming unbearable and it is apparent he is not willing to stop his contact with her and that is not fair to me. He asked me to come sit with him and he tried to make me see his point of view. He says it is not a fling and that his feelings are real for her. He says everyone tells him he should end his relationship with her and work on our marriage, but he says who is to say that he shouldn't end the marriage and work on a relationship with her? I told him, of course, I couldn't tell him what to do, but would hope that after 16 years, he thought a little more about me and our marriage than to just throw it away for an uncertain future. I told him I couldn't believe the one person in my life that I trusted to love me and take care of me, is now hurting me the most. He said he felt bad about that and it wasn't intentional. I told him despite whether it was intentional or not, he is still doing it over and over again and that is why he needs to leave and decide what he wants instead of dragging me deeper and deeper into depression. He said I shouldn't give up hope, that this separation might just be what he needs to see what is important in life. I told him I will always pray that will happen, but cannot get too much hope up. I have done that too many times already only to be hurt.<p>I am so scared he will leave and not come back. I know he loves me (although not in the way he says he wants to) and he says I am his very best friend. I only hope that will be enough to make him come back. My friend told me if you love someone, you need to set them free (and hope they come back) because if you don't set them free they may never come back.

I don't understand what the problem is. Everyone is giving you advice to not do anything, let him be, give him his space. What is wrong here? I don't mean to be so frank but stop being so nice about it!!! If you found out that your other is having an affair and they refuse to end it, then end it with them! When I had an affair and my boyfriend found out, I immediately ended it with the other man because I knew who i really loved. We are trying to work it out...as I have had NO contact with the other man. It was hard for me but it is possible, if you know what's at stake and who really counts.
I know that you are married and that you have children and I furthermore know that that does make a difference in these situations, but you have to lay down the line for him, or lose him and move on to find someone else.
Sincerely,
Spiders

I think the best thing you could do for yourself...and in the long run for any possibility of a relationship...would be to back off and take care of yourself. I did to my H what your husband is doing to you...not intentionally, but out of confusion. The best thing my H did was to gain personal strength and get on with his life. It offered me the time and freedom from guilt to clear my head. It's time to make some choices FOR YOU and not leave this all up to him. Give him a time frame (a SHORT one) and tell him to leave. Tell him that although you still love him and wish things could be different..that he needs to figure out his life and not drag you through this. And if/when he does leave...don't make things easy for him. Don't be there for him as a friend and listen to his troubles. He is a big boy...he can take care of himself. He needs to realize that he can't have his cake and eat it too. This all may seem harsh...but it's what it took for me to see the light. Good luck!