O.k. for those of you that know me, you know that I've really worked hard the last year to restore my marriage. My H has been in an A for at least a year now (first d-day was 5/6/01, but I know it was going on longer). We have begun the D process at my H's insistence. We've sold our home; I am living with my kids in an apartment. <p>So here's the deal; my H calls me today (we are not supposed to be talking, but he tells me he simply MUST get this off his chest). Then he asks me to please just listen and try to believe what he's saying, even though he has NO right to ask me to believe it....then he proceeds to tell me that he's SCREWED UP HIS LIFE SO BADLY, and NOW he's lost me, his family and our home....he realizes that now that it's all gone, he never wanted things this way. He says he LOVES me, has ALWAYS loved me....he does NOT love OW, but does not know how to break the emotional bond they have. He says he's been working with his counselor over the past MONTH telling him these feelings and really trying to get his SHI@ together. He, for the first time in a YEAR, took full responsibility for his A, for the pain and suffering he caused his children and I and asked me to please wait.....give him more time....to fix things....not file the D.<p>O.K., so why, after I finally receive the words I've been PRAYING DAILY for for a year, am I so very afraid?<p>He even told me that he and OW have been fighting constantly (it seems she's paranoid that he's still in love with me and wants to go back to me)!! Couldn't all of us BS's here have told her that she SHOULD be paranoid, I mean she started a relationship with someone who was MARRIED!!! My H came here to have dinner with the kids on Valentine's day, and I guess she FLIPPED OUT!! She said that he should have done it ANYWHERE BUT AT MY HOUSE!!! I did not comment to my H on this at all, but I thought, hey, OW is FINALLY LB'ing!!!<p>The one thing that he said that meant the most to me, because I had serious anger issues that he claims led him to have the affair, was this "W, I can't even remember anymore the last time you rose your voice to me...." I'm changed, people, and he FINALLY is seeing it!!<p>O.K. - my plan is to do nothing....no encouraging...no discouraging, just nothing. I need to SEE changes. I mean the first thing is NO MORE CONTACT WITH OW, EVER AGAIN....I told him that he's GOT to figure out how to end it...He actually said that when she's saying to him (ALMOST DAILY, FOLKS) "I just KNOW you're going to go back to Kari and the Kids" that he's come so close to just saying "YOU'RE RIGHT! I STILL LOVE KARI!!" But, that he never seems to be able to do it. He says he dreads it when he see HER number on his caller i.d. This was the most my H has EVER spoken of all of this (more than he's spoken of it all the times we've talked over the past year). <p>I think this has been my longest post ever!! Quite a lot to say don't you think????<p>What do all of you think???<p>MOM

GAAHHHH! YOU GO MOM!<p>Heh, heh, heh... so encouraging... so encouraging... (for me too!)<p>You're right - take it slow, be cautious, but it's lookin' pretty good.

My "quickie" advice:
Keep your mouth shut around him and silently pray for guidance and strength. <p>"Watchful waiting" ..... a term I sometimes use at work.<p>Do some "watchful waiting" ...... and enjoy life while you're doing that. No action required on your part.<p>Best to you,<p>Pepper/Yesterday

MoM... your last post made me think this would happen... I almosted directed you to this story: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014880<p>I hope it helps.<p>Cali

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Myownme:
<strong>
O.K., so why, after I finally receive the words I've been PRAYING DAILY for for a year, am I so very afraid?<p>O.K. - my plan is to do nothing....no encouraging...no discouraging, just nothing. I need to SEE changes. I mean the first thing is NO MORE CONTACT WITH OW, EVER AGAIN....
MOM</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I think you answered your own question. You are afraid because he is just talking. So far, there is no walking the walk.<p>Are you in Plan B? And if so, did your Plan B letter say something about when he has ENDED his R with OW and is ready to follow the extraordinary precautions, etc., you would be willing to discuss your future together (as the sample letter in SAA does)?<p>If you erected boundaries, you need to maintain them. Personally, I would tell him that as long as he is having a R with OW, there is nothing to discuss. When that R is over FOR LIFE, then it would be the time to discuss a future together.<p>You don't need to go after a bone just because he throws it. Maintain your boundaries. Actions are the only thing you need to "listen" to, IMO.

What do I think? Classic Harley Text Book!<p>As you say, say nothing, be there, listen, no LBs and CALL STEVE HARLEY on MONDAY! I feel this turn he's taken is pivitol.<p>Not to put a downer on anything, MoM ... but H may wain just a bit, altho I doubt it as long as OW is LBing. <p>I'm praying for you. Stay strong.<p>And, oh, the "being afraid" thingie is natural. You had no expectations and now you are feeling some.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

MOM,<p>Wow, the FOG is finally lifting. That is progress!!! I am happy for you....it is only natural that this if frightening too. You don't want to get your hopes up and get hurt again.<p>He has to break off contact with OW. You are right to be cautious. Dr. Dobson says that until the affair is over--you can't recover. Then you can address the problems that led to this situation through counseling and marriage building. Only then can you work on recovering your marriage.<p>BUT difinitely, it is a step in the right direction [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] That's neat!!!

MOM<p>Keeping my fingers crossed for you!! I hope H will drop D proceedings and prove by his actions that he is serious. You are right to take a wait and see attitude. This sounds do promising, but be patient. You have come so far.!<p>Best wishes,
Estes

MOM,<p>I am so happy for you. I think you deserve a pat on the back for all of your efforts. I also think you have exactly the right attitude. Be happy about the results you're seeing, but don't let your expectations get too high.<p>It is so encouraging to hear that sometimes the fog does actually lift. I will pray that in your case, it is lifting for good.<p>Thanks for sharing your story and giving hope to all of us!<p>BP

Thank you ALL SO MUCH FOR THE QUICK RESPONSES. The one thing I DID say to him is that I have spent the past 2 months getting to the "acceptance" stage and ready for the D. I said, I don't know if I CAN go back to the possible "recovery" stage. I thought it was really nice that he said to me "I don't expect an answer....I'm truly just asking you to think about things...if you still need time where I don't talk to you...I understand." I think that I SHOULD have told him that it HAS to be over with OW before I can think about anything. I mean almost a year in Plan A is LONG ENOUGH. And if he KNOWS he doesn't love her, that he loves me, then he needs to MAKE THAT CLEAR TO HER no matter how hard it will be for him (or on her, LIKE I CARE if it's HARD on HER!!!!)<p>Thank you all so MUCH!!!!<p>MOM [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm logging off for now, but will definitely check back in so KEEP THE ADVICE COMING PLEASE!!

MOM,<p>Well that's a positive change. However, you are very right to be cautious. For all you know he's had a fight with OW and was feeling uncertain about things. As others have said, he should break all contact off with the OW, for life. I think of it this way - if he loves you so much, why is he not putting YOU first and dumping the OW right now? The way he's going he's just trying to keep his options open. While he's still with the OW he's still in the fog, and that only lifts properly if he withdraws from her completely. Words mean nothing in cases like this, it's actions that count.<p>My WH has been living with the OW for 6 months, we've had no contact. If he phoned me and said what your husband said to you, this is what I would do. (can you tell I've thought this through??). I would tell him to dump the OW, go through withdrawal by himself, and come talk to me again when it's all properly over. You see, I don't want to go through the emotional agony of seeing all that in him. But that's just me. :-) If my husband was serious, that is what he would do to show me he is. I'm not sure that I would take him back though, I too have reached the acceptance stage.<p>Evensong

Oh please please please play this right and don't give in too fast and too easy! Don't let it be because he is sick of the OW but because he truly is remorseful, wants to change and wants you back. MAKE HIM WORK FOR IT! PLEASE!<p>Will you please take a close look at CarolK's thread about she made her WS wait a YEAR to prove himself to her again? She felt like if she had givin in too soon that he would not have appreciated it and it would have been a total failure. But making him wait and WORK for it, completely cinched his love for her. She said he loves her more NOW since he had to work for it, than he ever did! Just please be careful and cautious right now and MOVE SLOW so that this turns out RIGHT. <p>And I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! YIPPEEE!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Myownme:
<strong> I think that I SHOULD have told him that it HAS to be over with OW before I can think about anything.
MOM [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Oh yes! When he calls back tell him that you are VERY UNCERTAIN and can't even BEGIN to consider such a thing until ALL CONTACT is ended with the OW.

Hey MOM ~ <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He even told me that he and OW have been fighting constantly (it seems she's paranoid that he's still in love with me and wants to go back to me)!! <hr></blockquote><p>Yep, this happened in my situation too [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] She had fits that he spent time in OUR home with is WIFE! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Ok, so he's talking. I wouldn't take any action on your part until you see his actions matching the words. <p>Call Steve ASAP - my H said EVERYTHING I wanted to hear several times before recovery actually happened.<p>Sounds like you might be headed in the right direction...but be careful and guard your heart until Steve says OK [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In fact, I can already hear Steve telling you that if your H really wants to reconcile, that he can call him (Steve) and convince Steve that he means it [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>((hugs)) See...its not over til its over!

MOM,<p>Wow!<p>I was going to say exactly what BR said. Have him call Steve H. If he's serious, he's going to need to follow a Plan. Steve is the best one to tell him what he's going to have to do. <p>He's probably going to have regrets and backslide and you certainly don't need to have a front row seat for that cr*p. That's why you're in Plan B.<p>He's got to do a lot of stuff on his own first, before you ever get to the recovery stuff you do together. He needs another coach for this part, not you!<p>Boy, where is that Churchill quote when you need it. Something about never, never giving up?<p>Jeffers

The others have given you good (and textbook) advice, all I have to say is it sounds like you are the consolation prize...that is a recurring theme in recovery, and it bothers me alot, I could even see myself doing it for that reason (but I won't)....You have little kids, and that dictates an agenda, but think long and hard mom, and make very very sure he earns his way back, and that you really want him...I think that ws who only come back after bs moves on and op doesn't work out, are very shakey marriage material, and is only a matter of time before their self-centered orientation rears it's ugly head again....it is sooooooo easy to get a bs back, and every ws knows how to do it....remember that.

HI MoM,
It is pretty scarey, but it is the good kind of exciting scarey! You have worked so hard and finally are seeing that H does have it in him!
I am so very very happy for you.
GO GIRL!!!
Listen, be gentle, no judgements, no 'i told ya so'.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))) cl

Alright!!! Maybe it's not too late... <p>If he's playing you again I'm going to fly there and kick him where it counts, k?<p>No matter where you go from here, I am SO, SO happy that you got to hear these words before/if you divorce.<p>Doesn't it mean so much, just to hear it? I mean, obviously it doesn't mean jack about you two being able to seriously work it out (just words), but doesn't it just feel good?<p>I am happy that you finally got some resolution from him and peace of mind. He has noticed your plan A, you have changed, and he is a dik. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You have a very, very good plan, you know the routine. You've done this before, it won't kill you to delay the divorce for a few months, just to see what happens.<p>I know you are strong and I've seen what you have been through. I know you will not give in too easily again. You've done it before (I have, most BS's have) and we were wrong cuz' we got too excited and lost site of what was important (proof of no contact, time for you to heal and see his changes, etc).<p>You can do this. He can't hurt you anymore than he has already, unless you let him. If you stay strong and wait for the actions before letting him back into your heart, you can't get hurt, k? After that, it's your CHOICE whether or not to act, but you don't have to make any choices right now other than to sit and wait...<p>HbH

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:
....it is sooooooo easy to get a bs back, and every ws knows how to do it....remember that.<hr></blockquote><p>SnL?<p>Is this statement true??? Honestly?<p>Jo<p>[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>