I just know this is going to be so long the board will fall off the internet! I'll try to SUPER DUPER condense it.<p>I'm 30 and a half years old, LOL...(actually I'm 31 in a month). My mother was schizophrenic and wouldn't take her medicine when she was feeling good (which, from what I understand is normal). She had a successful suicide attempt when I was 4.5...she'd tried many times prior. My father decided to raise me on his own, but was very depressed and a hermit. He was a wandering soul and we moved a lot. He was also a genius and an alcoholic. I had to protect myself from the constant mind games. I moved out when I was 15 and went to live with my grandparents. I met my husband in 91 and moved in with him shortly after. He was funny and nice, never really dated anyone before, he had a house and a steady job (farming)...he offered stability. We married 1 year after. I went from moving all the time from big city to big city...to being a country gal. I loved it! I learned to bake and do crafts...I kept a pretty little house and worked part time. I even begged to have chickens and ducks and rabbits...until I realized that my H fully intended on EATING THEM! SHREEEEEK! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] So now we stick with cats...no one's ever suggested eating them yet. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] We tried having kids right away after we married. After a year of trying we started fertility treatments. If anyone here has been through that rollercoaster, you know it's tough. We tried for several years...but then my dad committed suicide in 94. We stopped for a year while I healed. In 98 we celebrated our 6th anniversary...one week after our son was born! He is adopted and is the light of our lives!(especially now that he's peeing in the BIG POTTY!, LOL!) June of 99 our sons adoption was finalized...that night at 11pm a tornado took our home, our farmstead and everything while we huddled in the basement. Not fun [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The community gathered together to help us in every way they could. We rented a small farmhouse just down the road so we could still remain in the area to clean up, rebuild and continue farming. This was the first loss my H had ever experienced. He closed down emotionally. I would try to get a hug or something and he would either pull away or just stand there. It hurt. I went into "super woman" mode and tried doing everything to be there for him. I told my friends that I'd been through this type of thing before so I'd be fine, but he needed me. Well...add all that together and I was very vulnerable. I found myself having a serious crush on a friend of ours. He was a lifetime friend of my H's and a cousin. He was/is a bachelor and had a nice big basement that he didn't even use, so he let us store anything that was salvaged there. We'd been friends for years and after the tornado we were around him a lot more. I'd always admired his generosity and kindness...things my husband was not. My husband grew up learning to take care of himself first. Anyway...he had me build him a computer and I put a chat program on. He and my H would chat sometimes, and then sometimes I would get on and talk with him for a while. We really enjoyed it and found ourselves having lots to talk about. One thing led to another and we started talking about women....since he was/is a bachelor I was giving him "tips". He said he couldn't understand why these guys (my H and his brothers) thought it was such a big deal to give flowers or spend just a little money on their wives. He said he would never take a woman for granted that way. Needless to say these were the right words at just the "right" time. Ugh. Anyway...I started falling for him very much. We started hanging out with him more and our chats became longer and later...and then secretively after my H had gone to bed. My H knew I was depressed...but did nothing about it. He said later he just thought it would pass, that I'd deal with it. I was flirting with the OM during our talks...well he took that a step further. Said that it was a very serious thing if I was thinking of ending the marriage. HUH? Honestly...it hadn't even crossed my mind at the time. Well...after that seed was planted the thought didn't leave my mind for a long time. I fell totally "in love" with him and since I had never been "in love" before I decided that in fact I must not have really ever loved my husband. I decided that I must have married him out of comfort and safety...not because of love. Well...to shorten the whole ordeal...we were an on again off again emotional affair for a year before I finally left my H. I made the decision several times to try to rebuild my marriage (we did marital counseling twice and individual for a while), but each time the obsession and the lack of understanding as to WHAT marriage and LOVE consists of...would eventually get the best of me. I moved out in Oct of 2000. The OM and I had more on again off again contact over the next year...but for the most part I used the time to learn how to take care of myself...both emotionally and financially. H and I continued to be friendly..and tried working towards reconcilliation for a short while after...but I was still very angry and hurt...although I thought I was past that. ANYWAY...I did finally file and H and I worked together to make it as smooth as possible...but it was extrememly sad. I found myself many times just wishing he'd pull his head out of his butt. A few weeks before our divorce was to be final I found out he'd been dating. It hurt like heck and I was really distraught. You would have thought that HE left ME and that HE was the betrayer. I tried to open the doors to communication yet one more time...and for the first time he stuck up for himself. He told me that he had done all that he was capable of to try to keep us a family, but that I had shut him down every time. He said that I expected everything to be by my rules or else...and that every time he would try to talk with me I'd just yell and not give him a chance to even speak. I agreed with him wholeheartedly...because he was right. I'd been a major pain in the butt and it turned out I was the one who needed to pull MY head out! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] So...we went as a family to see my relatives over thanksgiving...and we talked and utilized our "vacation" to get closer. When we got back my H and his brother moved me back in and we've been a FAMILY ever since. There was simply no more reason to remain seperated once the decision was made to FIX US.<p>So what knowledge have I gained thats allowed us to work? First of all my idea of what a realistic marriage consists of...and a realistic picture of what LOVE and COMMITMENT mean. Then I had to add a large dose of patience. I mean...the patterns we'd formed took YEARS..if not a LIFETIME...we certainly won't change them overnight. I also had to get over the "addiction" to the "in love" feeling I'd had. I had to learn how to self-soothe and not expect another to "make" me feel a certain way. Finally...I had to let go of the past. We both screwed up and no matter WHY or HOW we got together and got married...we did...and now we'll do whatever it takes to remain that way. And it does take WE to do the work. My husband has made changes, as have I. Our marriage is nothing like it was...and years from now may be different in ways I can't even imagine today. I look forward to it!

I have to go but wanted to post real quick--yes, you are amazing and RB friends have said. I replied to BurningBright's story. I hope you'll read it. <p>Glad you're here. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

H*O*P*E<p>Wonderful!<p>You did an amazing job of sharing.<p>Love to you,<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank U 4 sharing...<p>You will give many hope 4 future [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Cali

Hope4future my dear!!! It is so nice to see you here. Right now I feel like a real heel. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
Why? I don't know what happened but I never realized everything you endured in your childhood AND then losing your father!!! I must have missed that somewhere down the line.<p>WHERE HAVE I BEEN?<p>Oh boy, I feel awful! <p>You have always been such an inspiration to me. You are an incredibly strong lady and you have been there for me so many times... you just don't realize how much you have done for me.<p>Your name fits you perfectly! <p>Thank you for sharing. <p>Love,
Clear

*Bump* for Neb.

yikes...

suicides, infertility, and tornados..

and I get cranky when someone leaves the lid off the jar of Jiff...

uggghhhhh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

that's why I love this board...it grounds me and reminds me of what is really of value...

thank you for digging this one up... and Grace to you and yours as always...
(you hanging around "oldtimer"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ARK

I'm in tears. I wish more people would post their success stories. It gives me hope. Wow, you've endured a lot and come out even better. Thanks for sharing.....

Hey Hope
Thanks so much for sharing, I had been wanting to read about YOU, and I read your post with the "Far & Away" as the backdrop <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> From big city to the farm, I admire you for that, I wish I could just do it NOW..away from this big city where the pains began..to a small town like Port Townsend in WA...to begin a new life, but then again
wherever we go we are breathing the same air...if the hurt and pain stay no matter where we go,they follow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

All the very best to you both. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

H4F:

Great post! I knew, or thought I knew, most of your story. But this puts the timing all in2 perspective. Gosh! You were/are so YOUNG! (When I think really hard, I can remember some of "30") <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

One 2uestion: Since the OM is your H's cousin, do you still have contact?

best,
-2long

Great story, just one question...what finally ended it between you and the OM? When you left your H, did you leave him for the OM? Did you find out that reality wasn't like the fantasy? I just would like a little more clarification on what happened with the OM.

Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Years ago ... Hope and I used to get into our disagreements (on another infidelity board) when she was so sure her H was a hopeless man she could never love....

I love her story....

She's the BOMB!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2long - No, no contact. Although this summer we did go to the lake with friends and he was there. First time we've been anywhere around him in several years. He avoided us completely and spent most of his time out on the lake in his boat...which is name One More or something like that. I thought it seemed a little coincidental that the initials for that would be OM. HOPEFULLY coicidental. Either way...H and I had a good time despite his presence.

Sincere1 - No, I didn't technically leave my H for the OM...but I knew he was still there waiting for me in case I did leave. I left because I just couldn't see anything good coming out of our marriage anymore. I thought it was hopeless. Of course OM reinforced those thoughts every time he got the chance, too.

While we were seperated I got a nice big dose of reality. I finally saw what hubby had contributed to my life and began to appreciate the things he HAD done. With the newfound appreciation came more respect. And hubby continued to help me out and work with me as to time with our son and even some financial support (although I tried to refuse it). With the stress of the decision off, both of us were more able to be ourselves around each other again.

And yes, the OM LB'd big time in many ways, and I LB'd big time right back. Instead of being caring and generous, he was possessive and suffocating. He had NO understanding of what I was going through and thought it should just be as simple as walking out, getting a divorce, and moving on. None of those things are simple at all...if you have any kind of a concience what-so-ever.

So, I just kind of took care of myself and my life and left him behind. If I had divorced, there was no way we could have ever picked up and gone on with a good relationship. There was just too little respect left from everything that happend...and no years of good and bad times together to fall back on, like there were in my marriage.

Pepperband - Ugh, yes I remember those times. I was such a brat!!! I'll also never forget the first time you came back after having been gone for a while, and you complimented me and some changes you saw in my posting. It really encouraged me towards even more personal growth. YOU da Bomb, baby...not me!!!