Before i tell you all what happened today, i want to say thank you for all that you have done for me and for your kind words....but the compulsiveliar has finally come clean and this time, its the last straw....please do not shut me out bcos i truly need you all now.<p>My guilt has been stressing me out and keeping me depressed since D-Day 3 weeks ago and i am sure that most of you have followed the developments of our situation....however, as expected, the clock to healing for my H has now gone back to zero again....i have just disclosed something that i didnt think i was going to tell him....<p>All this time i led him to believe that the only OP i had sex with or had an A with was R, 3 months ago.....but today, we were at lunch and we started talking about my trip to NYC 7 months ago, when i went with a close girlfriend of mine. What happened over there was one night we went out to a club, i met this guy, danced with him and had a date the next night...2 days after, we met at a mall with my girlfriend but she left after lunch and we drove back to his apt and had sex, then he drove me back home. Since then we have had a couple of emails exchanged and that was it.....i disclosed that bit to my H only 10 mintues ago but before that when i mentioned meeting him at the mall, we came home and he made arrangements to leave me....i didnt stop him. But we have talked since and 10mins ago, i admitted to the one-night stand and he is still here....<p>I want to express something that i have not in my other threads and posts.....i am not only a compulsive liar, i am a cheat, a man hunter, i seek attention from the opposite sex, i am a flirt, i am what you would say "every other woman's worst nightmare" bcos if i want something i make sure i get it....to have power and have full control over what i want....yes, i am a bad person and i feel sick of myself and who i have been....i have no perception of the harm that lies can do, of what cheating on the one you love can do, i have never understood what love really is, i could never see the difference between whats right and whats wrong...as long as i kept doing what I wanna do, it dont matter who i hurt in the process as long as i get what i want....the "what u dont know wont hurt you" "some things are better left unsaid" bull****.<p>Well here goes my good people....i considered suicide earlier bcos why cant i rid the world of someone so dirty and condemned like me? I so wanted to do that...so damn badly....but we came home and my H showed me what true love really is....he is still here talking to me and looking at me even though i dont want him to bcos even i cannot look at myself now....i am lost now and i dont like who i am....but dont worry, i will not kill myself...i will get help for that...<p>Right now if you ask me what the next step i am going take will be, i can only say that i am lost and confused...i love my H, no doubt about that but i can also hear you saying....then why do all the things you have done if you love someone? I am only now seeing that there is such a thing as true love and he is sitting right here in my home....what i have to do now is heal myself, find my soul and heal it...work on getting better and to exorcise myself of this entity that i have known all these years....why should i want the need for someone else looking at me that way when thats how my H has been looking at me all this time? I need to know from anyone now how i can heal and how i can be better than what i have been so far....<p>I have told you all (not only to my H) the whole truth behind who i am and who i have been and i hope u do not feel that your words are all to waste....bcos they aren't. If not for your help, i dont think i will make it through this honesty thing or this ordeal....its now the beginning for us and it going to be scary bcos i dont know where this is heading....all i can see now is that my H truly loves me and i have to do something about myself fast.<p>Please respond bcos i would really love to hear what you have to say to me.....

Hi clww,
First of all, your husband knows who he is married to, he doesn't need you to tell him. You just think he doesn't know. He knows, it just hurts him because he loves you.<p>I admire your honest because you don't owe us anything. You owe that to yourself, first and foremost.<p>This is why I believe so many MBers were pointing you in the direction of the Heavenly Father because until you understand His unconditional love for you, in spite of you, you cannot come to accept yourself, in spite of your failures.<p>Somehow, all the traits you admitted seem to go along with a lot of us who have gotten involved in adultery so I'm not surprised. Neither is God. He knew you would be in this mess before you got into it. He knows how to get you out.<p>You can't give your husband something you don't have. You can't love others as you love yourself if you don't love yourself enough to carry yourself with dignity and respect. Respect yourself more. You are worth A LOT to God. Please believe that... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Give yourself a big hug. God will not use your past in order to determine your future.<p>Your husband knows who you are. He knows...

I know how stressed out you must be right now, because I too was once in your shoes. Believe me. I know exactly how you feel. Once we start lying to hide things, it just gets bigger and bigger, and who knows where the lies stop and the truth begins. You have taken me back to one year ago.<p>It was one year ago that I too finally came clean. It had taken me six months to finally tell my husband about all the destruction that I had done. I too thought about killing myself, because the pain was just too great. <p>I went to a treatment center for Compulsive Sexual behavior. I was there for 5 weeks. <p>You said " seek attention from the opposite sex", now you have to find out why. That is not as easy as you think. You really, really have to dig deep down, and admit some really hard things. <p>I too based my self worth on how the opposite sex thought I was. It didn't matter what my husband told me, it was what other people thought. My husband loved me, the other people thought I was easy. Why did I go out of my way to have other people think of me as a whore? Why did I throw away a great life, when I had everything I ever wanted? Those are the questions I needed to ask myself, and I still don't have all the answers.<p>The treatment helped since I had to explore myself all the way back to childhood. I was "taught" that men only want sex, women are flirtatous, women don't trust other women, all kinds of distorted messages. I didn't know how to have a relationship with a man, that wasn't sexual. I mean, why bother? Same as drinking, why drink if your not going to get drunk?<p>But, It does get better. I was so desperate, I was at the end of my rope. But, I need to tell you that once the entire truth is out, then the real recovery can begin. It is going to be hard, but with each day, it gets better. Your husband is hurting very badly right now, and you need to be able to help him, and you also need to help yourself. Another thing that helped me with my compulsive behavior is by taking Prozac. I found that a lot of my compulsions are not that strong anymore. <p>Keep posting, it was the only thing that kept me sane in the beginning. My husband and I are still together, and we are rebuilding our life, but it is hard sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to face what I did. I did some very bad things, but we are working through it. <p>I realize that if I would run away from this relationship, that my next one would be just as disastrous. It didn't matter, my needs couldn't be met, because I didn't know what my needs were. You and I sound pretty similar, so If I can be any help, just let me know.<p>PJ

compulsive,<p>It does your soul good to come clean and expose all that - doesn't it? I bet you feel like a massive weight has just been removed from your heart. It also takes courage to face what you've done, take responsibility for your actions and be willing to accept the consequences. You've also given your H what is his, that is his right to make decisions for himself.<p>Ok, but where to now. What are your next steps... don't rush anything, take time to think, take time to gather your thoughts and take the time that you and your H needs. This doesn't have to mean D. From this you can still build a wonderful marriage. One that will be better than ever before. However, you need to planning and taking small steps. Don't set yourself up for failure, make each step count and build towards a better future.<p>One of the most important aspects that we learned during our troubles is that marriage is EXCLUSIVE. Which means it's you and your H. Nobody else. You have to promise to protect this exclusivity with your life. That's how precious it should be for you. Don't put yourself, or allow yourself to get into a position where this could be endangered.<p>With that message - with the word EXCLUSIVE firmly placed in your head, it should serve as a beacon, a lighthouse to guide you at times of darkness and temptation. Everytime you need this beacon it's there in your head. The beacon will guide your thoughts back to your H and remind you of all his love that he has for you. <p><<<< e-hugs >>>>>><p>- Freddy<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

Your story has intrigued me enough to stop lurking and start talking. I have followed you and your husbands posts quite frequently of late, and it really seems that there is hope for both you and your H. <p>BTW I am also a BS and can relate to everything your husband feels. My wife committed an EA with sexual overtones - there was no actual PA but only because I caught her in time. <p>So, is that everything? Are there any more hidden past indiscretions that you should let him know? At this point you have nothing to lose in telling him and everything to gain. Your complete honesty now will galvanize his healing himself, and your failure in this arena will hurt him now beyond belief. Now that you have given him this truth you must be sure there is nothing more to tell, nothing more to hide. <p>I applaud you ..... being such an open book to your H has to tell him that you care, that you would suffer whatever consequences to be honest. In my opinion you are sincere about wanting to rid yourself of these stifling behavioural flaws. Perhaps your motivation is him? Whatever the reason it is long overdue for you in your life. If he leaves now at least you know you are capable of the honesty your life has been missing. If he leaves you now DO NOT go back to this lifestyle, move ahead CLWW ..... evolve your emotional self so your next relationship will not suffer these hits. <p>You must seek out councelling!!! Even anti-depressants will help in your case. What you are dealing with is not just an affair(s) but a lifestyle of self destruction and sexual addiction. Your H should help you with this..... but he may be too wrapped up in these nightmares to do so. It is SO important that you agressively seek out proffesional help NOW. DO NOT WAIT or your patterns will creep up behind you and you will manufacture reasons to revert back to the you that is not you. <p>I am not sure that what I suggest is MB savvy stuff, but I do know that it has worked for me when my world crashed in. You have a few things to begin to understand. The first is that you are one of the luckiest people in the world to have a man like that. There are not many out there who would understand things you have told your H and it seems that he is prepared full well to take everything you throw at him now. Let me explain what this is ..... LOVE. This is a man truly bound to you .....for whatever reason that is sweety, you have his devotion. You must be a very special woman. <p>So what I would suggest you understand now is that your man has probably suffered a huge hit in the self esteem department. He also has suffered a massive hit to his sexual self. MB principles and the Surviving and Affair book are wonderful tools for you to use for long run solutions and should be followed to the letter ..... but for me they did little to try and combat the feelings a BS has right after the affair. Your honesty is very helpful to his pain diminishing but there is more to it than that. <p>I caught my wife having internet sex with a man she works with, and it devestated me. Being a man that has great pride in my sexual self I suffered horribly knowing she let another man into our world. My wife understood this as well.... I think instinctively. In her own way ... with no books or manuals... she did so much to strip away the inadaquete feelings I had. What my WS did for me in the days and weeks after discovery of her affair made me understand that she still loved me, that her cyberaffair was a mistake and that I was her one and only. We are stronger now and more in touch with each other..... and I feel that it is because of MB and things she did for me only days after my finding out. <p>If he starts obsessing - ask him for a time out. Tell him what my wife told me... "I want do do this for you to show you how much I truly love you". It will be easy for him to slip into his mind, to dwell on these new revelations and heartaches. Stop his triggers using any means necesary CLWW!!! If you can, make him KNOW that it wasn't about sex.... that it was about your personality conflicts. How? Well If he likes taking baths make him a bath full of bubbles..... play music he likes..... you know the routine ... candles.... all good love. If he likes the ocean find a beach and surprise him there with your bikini and a sexy massage. If he likes dancing put on your sexiest get up and give him the lap dance of his life!  If he likes wine and conversation ..... give him all enthusiastically and much more. You need to be to your husband now what a paramedic is to a man having a heart attack. Be creative, be bold, and BE REAL, but BE for him what you think and know he needs. If he is a sexual person and enjoys that one ...or that one zillion special things you do, do it all for him six times a day ...  let him know it is him you have always wanted, it is him that really cranks you up. Make him feel like a Superman, only you really know how to do that, right? Be everything he needs spiritually, emotionally, and sexually..... if he is ready to let you in again. Try it out and see if you and H feel better. Your motivation where the H is concerned is not trying to repair the damage, but to allow him to see that you are truly his 150%. He will never trust you if he feels he can't be the object of your desire and the reason for your emotional repair in yourself. Let's face it CLWW, up and until now you have not been his exclusively, and for any person that can be a devastating blow to esteem and pride. This I know from EXPERIENCE, not a degree in therapy. <p>It sounds to me like he is well worth the effort, I know my wife had actually gone through with one PA I would have gathered the kids and left. <p>Get creative and get real with showing him who you can be for him during the worst time of his life .... and show him who you are now that you have turned the other cheek. <p>Martin

flyonthewall/Martin<p>your advice enlightened me and gave me new hope...thank you....i will keep you posted on our developments and recovery stages....<p>my heart is much lighter now knowing that i have come clean with my H....i hope for my sake and my H's that this is the end of all my lies and deceit too...<p>take care

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by compulsiveliarww:
<strong>...i hope for my sake and my H's that this is the end of all my lies and deceit too...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, that is entirely up to you! The ball is in your hands! I'm sure you will do the right thing.

Woah ~<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>...i hope for my sake and my H's that this is the end of all my lies and deceit too...
<hr></blockquote><p>What do you mean by this??????<p>I've been reading your posts, and honestly, my gut reaction said that even though you were making all the right noises...that you weren't really taking responsiblity for your behavior.<p>And this statement above confirms my instinct.<p>What do you mean? You HOPE that this is the end of your lies??? This implies that you don't really consider yourself in control of your own behavior - like it is something that "just happens". You are hoping that you don't lie again? Are you HOPING that you don't cheat on your H again?<p>You are hoping that you have finally told all the truth? Don't you KNOW if you have? And how about making a decision? Why not say: I have a serious problem. I choose not to live this way anymore so I am choosing to get help/treatment etc. I will not lie to my H anymore no matter how small?<p>You see, compulsive, I think your H is finished with you. I think that his gut is probably telling him exactly the same thing - that you aren't willing to take responsiblity in doing what it takes to change...you are HOPING that your lies will stop.<p>If my H had said that to me...I'd have been out the door too.

Hi there. I could have written some of your post. I am trying to follow your experience, I'm sure I have missed some. <p>This is my point of view. I too craved attention from men. I believed that having a man is what would fix all my problems. It took several years and a lot of boyfriends to realize that no one else would fix my problems. I would go from man to man to man. And when I realized HE wasn't making me happy, I'd happily move on to the next. Well, that is not the solution.<p>I too became extremely depressed. I considered - no I PLANNED - to commit suicide. I had thought of several different ways to do it and it got to the point where I didn't care if my family hurt after I was gone. To make a long story short, I'm still here and I've been in therapy for over a year.<p>What I learned is that none of these men will EVER make me happy. The only person that can do that is ME. ME ME ME. And I suspect you could have some of the same feelings that I had before I started therapy. It's like you WANT to do what's right and what's best but you really don't know how. Sometimes we just need help re-learning our behavior patterns and thought processess and decision making processes. And that's OK. <p>I know that after lying so many times you feel like you are in so deep that you start to believe that if you tell the truth, it will ruin everything. But that isn't so. Coming clean is very hard, but OMG very liberating and absolutely essential to rebuilding your marriage. It's also essential to your own personal growth. The longer you keep the negative things inside, it will just destroy you.<p>Are you in or have you considered counseling? Individual counseling may help guide you in a positive direction. I believe that a lot of times when people cheat, it's because of how they feel about themselves. <p>Have faith in yourself. Realize that you made a mistake, but also know that those mistakes don't make you a horrible person. You are confused and have made bad decisions. But you can change that. It will take a lot of hard work and commitment (commitment to your marriage and yourself) but it is possible and darned well worth it in the end.<p>Hang in there!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
What do you mean? You HOPE that this is the end of your lies??? This implies that you don't really consider yourself in control of your own behavior - like it is something that "just happens". You are hoping that you don't lie again? Are you HOPING that you don't cheat on your H again?<p>You are hoping that you have finally told all the truth? Don't you KNOW if you have? And how about making a decision? Why not say: I have a serious problem. I choose not to live this way anymore so I am choosing to get help/treatment etc. I will not lie to my H anymore no matter how small?
<hr></blockquote><p>Whoa! BrambleRose.<p>While I agree with you that a person needs to take responsability for his/her actions before they can proceed to change their lives, do you really beleive that somebody with an addiction like drugs or alcohol or lying, can just simply say to themselves I will not use drugs or alcohol or lies anymore no matter what? .<p>No human beign has total control of their behavior all of the time. Have you ever lashed out verbally to another human beign and later realized that it was totally uncalled for? Have you ever eaten something that you knew you shouldn't have? <p>I hope that you never become addicted to anything because you will find how simple minded and unproductive that statement of yours really is.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
You see, compulsive, I think your H is finished with you. I think that his gut is probably telling him exactly the same thing - that you aren't willing to take responsiblity in doing what it takes to change...you are HOPING that your lies will stop.
<hr></blockquote><p>I do not agree with you. She has probably shown more willingness to change than your H did when you were pregnant with your 3rd child.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
If my H had said that to me...I'd have been out the door too.
<hr></blockquote><p>Remember the old warning 'pride goeth before a fall'?. I beleive that just recently there was an xOW with OC from a MM who said that she is used to look down on people that committed adultery but that was before SHE fell into the sin of adultery.<p>Please let's have a little bit of humility here. Because even us BS's are far from being perfect.<p> <p>Joe<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>While I agree with you that a person needs to take responsability for his/her actions before they can proceed to change their lives, do you really beleive that somebody with an addiction like drugs or alcohol or lying, can just simply say to themselves I will not use drugs or alcohol or lies anymore no matter what? .<hr></blockquote><p>I am sure that you aren't aware of my story. I come from a long history of alcoholic relatives and am married to an active alcoholic. I've spent 4 years in Al-Anon, and while it doesn't make me an expert, I do have a little experience with addictions and what they do to people.<p>No I don't think they can simply say "I will not do XYZ." Did you miss the part where I said to compulsive that she needs to say: "I have a serious problem. I choose not to live this way anymore so I am choosing to get help/treatment etc. "<p>You see Joe....I suffered from a completely horrible disabling depression for 2 years. It nearly ripped my family apart. My children are still showing signs of that neglect in 1995 and 1996, and the ensuing dysfunction afterwards. Did I choose my "disease" anymore than an alcoholic chooses their affliction? No. But I can tell you that everyone around me begged me to get help, to do better, to fix myself...and none of it matter until I CHOSE TO FIX ME.<p>I woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to live like that anymore (I hit bottom). And then I chose to get help for myself. Did I simply choose not to be depressed? Yes. Did it mean that I wasn't depressed after that? No. It meant that I went to a doctor and got meds. I went to therapists and Al-Anon meetings and I got a sponsor and I worked the 12 steps.<p>I didn't sit around "hoping" that I would get better. I took responsiblity for my problem by taking actions that made sure that I would not allow my depression to harm myself or my family ever again.<p>I don't HOPE that I wont ever experience depression like that again. I know that I won't because it IS a choice, now that I accept that I have weaknesses that make me vulnerable to depression and I have the tools to help myself. Using those tools is a choice. I can choose to use my tools (the 12 steps, medication, therapy) or I can choose depression. Nothing here involves "hoping". If I were to do that, I would be refusing responsiblity for my choices.<p>JUST as an alcoholic can't control their drinking...or control that they have a disease...they can choose to get help. And while they are not responsible for being an alcoholic, they ARE responsible for not protecting themselves and others from their disease.<p>I can't sit around HOPING that I will not love bust my husband. I take actions to make sure that I do not. This basically hits the crux of the Harley "Rule of Protection". As a spouse, we are responsible for protecting our partners from our own weaknesses. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>No human beign has total control of their behavior all of the time. Have you ever lashed out verbally to another human beign and later realized that it was totally uncalled for? Have you ever eaten something that you knew you shouldn't have?<hr></blockquote><p>No human being chooses to control their behavior all of the time.<p>Sometimes I choose to do things that harm me or others. By saying that I have no control simply means that I do not take responsiblity for my choices. I choose to lash out, I choose to eat things that are bad for me. I choose not to take actions that protect me and others from my weaknesses.<p>I am not speaking from inexperience and pride. I am speaking from my own experience of my own failings. I tend to be blunt with my opinions . . . because the people in my life who helped me the most were NOT those who felt sorry for me, and validated my feelings. They were those who were not afraid to call me on my own BS every step of the way.

I'm glad you replied BrambleRose.<p>Your reply is more informative than your previous one. And yes I did seem to miss your statement "I have a serious problem. I choose not to live this way anymore so I am choosing to get help/treatment etc. "

Yes the key word is choice. We all have the freedom to choose what we do with our lives. And clww is no exception.<p>What I object though is that many time's we BS's, seem to forget that one of the marriage vows is to be there in sickness and in health for our S's. <p>Sure you can't do a damn thing if the sick S does not acknowledge his/her sickness and the willingness to get treatment for it, but I beleive that in this case she is willing to seek treatment. Of course that still remains to be seen.<p>She (clww),BrambleRose, IMNSHO, is far better than those other WS's that are 'in the fog' who are still far away from coming out of their fantasy and realizing the horrible damage they cause to their S's and C's. While in the meantime their suffering BS's wait either in plan A or plan B until they're WS's come out and committ to their M's.<p>My xW never accepted that she was and is a compulsive liar with a sexual addiction who needed treatment for her sickeness. And even today that we are divorced, she will not acknowledge she has a serious problem that in the end will cause her to self destruct. But like you said, we choose our actions and she has chosen hers. Our daughters (ages 11 and 14) are in psychological counseling to deal with their mother's behavior and their emotional turmoil caused by her behavior. <p>The beauty of your followup reply is that it is more constructive and informative than preachy and unsubstantial.<p>I hope clww that you are reading this because I agree that the time is NOW for you to seek serious medical treatment. If you do, then your H may decide to stay and help you thru your treatment and subsequent recovery.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

quote:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by compulsiveliarww:
...i hope for my sake and my H's that this is the end of all my lies and deceit too...
------------------------------------------------------------------------<p>ok everyone....i used a wrong choice of word...i didnt mean to use the word hope...i truly didnt and after posting that i knew that i would have reactions and replies to what i said above....<p>My H and i are having a tough time tonight but we are into our 2nd bottle of wine now and are hanging out with each other. We are trying and i know that i am....i really didnt mean to use the word hope.<p>justanotherjoe, thank you for your support and BrambleRose, please dont give up on me....

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
My H and i are having a tough time tonight but we are into our 2nd bottle of wine now and are hanging out with each other. We are trying and i know that i am....i really didnt mean to use the word hope.
<hr></blockquote><p>Clww, I beleive that it would be a more productive use of time for you and your H to look for a treatment center that specializes in your kind of problem than to wallow away the time on booze. This would infinetely help you and your H on your way to recovery.<p>Remember that time is not on your side (it really isn't on anybody's to begin with) and the longer you procrastinate, the chances of your H leaving you become greater.<p>Keep doing what is right and you'll always have my support.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

btw, Clearview, if you get this thread, would u like to email me so that we can communicate through emails? I feel like we are similiar in some ways too and i would like for us to keep in touch some more bcos it would help me too....let me know<p>my email address is
genevieve_monteiro@hotmail.com

BrambleRose:
(I love your user name, BTW)
I also am a sufferer of depression. In my case, I believe it is due to chemical upset but don't yet know the cause. I am learning to deal with the depression, but that doesn't mean I am always in control. I don't choose to have heart palpitations and I avoid caffiene and other things that contribute, but I still get them. I can choose a lot of things, but I can't choose everything. People aren't always in control. Sometimes a revelation comes even in the midst of acting out. You didn't choose to act out, you just did. But now you're aware of it and need to reconcile with those whom you've affected. I think much of what you said was correct. We do have a lot of choices. But we don't always choose to do something. What she's saying is that she hopes that there is nothing else to remember. (At least that's how I took it.) If you think you will never have another depression (apart from the lingering episodes, I mean a whole new reaction to things), I think you may be mistaken. That's not to say that you will most certainly have another attack of the full-blown depression. But you might. Now, you have the tools. Yes, and it may not be as severe. But, without your consent, your mind might rebel again. You, at that point, would start all over with the things you learned the first time. As my user name suggests, hoping is something I do quite a bit. However, I believe you are misinformed about the meaning of "hope". Hope is not a wish for something to come about. Hope is putting faith is something or someone to do that which you want to occur. Sometimes we hope in ourselves. Hope can also be described as a belief that something will occur. Now, maybe that's not what Genevieve meant, but that's what she said. Maybe she thinks about hope the same way you do. That's okay and means that your response was appropriate. I am hoping that Genevieve will come to the place that she knows she's done with that lying stuff and is ready to rebuild herself and her marriage.
And, I am also glad you are all here. You have a wealth of info that I have wondered about and I thank you for sharing your experiences. Has any of you worked throught "The Search for Significance"? It helped me immensely.

Compulsive,<p>I understand the need to "unwind", but I also understand that alcohol is a depressant. Given the situation of your marriage, I would like to suggest that you two use it in moderation. Sounds like Grandfatherly advice doesn't it? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But, seriously do realize that getting together and doing something else besides "talking" about the situation is good. However, also realize that for awhile that is probably all you two will do.<p>Your H, who I did post to, is going to be going up and down about the marriage for quite awhile. He will stress whenever you are not near him, and then he will turn around and wish you weren't near him. <p>Both of you have many decisions to make. And you need to make sure that you are at your best when making them. This is very very tough stuff you are facing Compulsive. It will make you or break you. It is my fondest hope that it makes you into a woman that can handle the real world without having to be deceptive.<p>I also hope your H can survive it.<p>In any event, keep talking with him. Do some reading, and begin to see if you can find some help. I hope you consider the path that PlainJane took. It apparently helped her and yes even David her H, to handle things.<p>Oh! and Joe, Bramble does have some idea what she is doing. Occasionally, people on this site need to hear and be reminded of the unvarnished truth. It isn't pleasant but more necessary than you might think. We only have words to deal with here ( part of phrase from a BGee's song, Words, by the way [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ), but it is also often true that people say one thing but do something altogether different. Occasionally, a stern sanity check is useful to all concerned.<p>
One last question Compulsive. Do you pronounce your name the "english" or "french" way? Not that I can spell it correctly in any case. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Just a bit of curiosity.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

its bedtime now and i am going to sleep but not without posting this.....i am glad that many of you are so supportive but as i write this, my H is crying in bed and i feel so helpless bcos all i know to do now is hold him and hold him tight.....i may be a slow learner but i am learning what pain is and how much i have caused him.<p>you all are wonderful people and i wish you all the best in your good lives....i want our to be good too and i know that i have to show him that he can trust me again....i am just lost now but i am getting help, believe me.<p>JL, everyone here in Singapore pronounces my name normally, not the French way....never knew why....<p>keep posting me guys....i await your voices

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Oh! and Joe, Bramble does have some idea what she is doing. Occasionally, people on this site need to hear and be reminded of the unvarnished truth. It isn't pleasant but more necessary than you might think. We only have words to deal with here ( part of phrase from a BGee's song, Words, by the way ), but it is also often true that people say one thing but do something altogether different. Occasionally, a stern sanity check is useful to all concerned.
<hr></blockquote><p>JL you are right about BrambleRose. But it took her follow up reply to make me realize that.<p>Genevieve your H's crying is a natural part of his healing from the pain caused by your betrayal. He will get better trust me on this because I was in his same shoes some years ago and I cried like a baby, but unlike him I did not have my W by my side to comfort me.<p>The next two weeks, if your H does not leave you, will be the toughest two weeks of his life. I would like to make a suggestion or two, to help you stay focused on him and your committment to rebuild your M when you are at work, away from him and exposed to OM and enabling 'friends'. Look at your wedding ring constantly and, if you have a photo of your H, look at it constantly. And if you bump into the OM and so called friends of yours remmember the pain your H and you are going thru thanks in part to them. <p>Geneveive NOW is the time for action. Don't wait for things to get better on their own, they seldom ever do. Find the medical treatment you need NOW. Because doing so will be the strongest message you can send to your H that you are serious about your love for him and dead serious about your M.<p>If my xW had acknowledged her compulsive lying and sexual addiction during our M and sought medical treatment. I'd probably be still married to her and our daughters would not be going right now for psychological counseling.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>