H & I have been in recovery for 21 months.<p>First let me say that I met my H's former OW about the time they were at the flirting, possibly the EA stage...coffees, going out for midmorning breakfast, they'd been on the same bar-pool team. I met her at a party and she verbally sniped at me and was in my face--and very obviously attracted to my H. He seemed oblivious, so I didn't bring it to his attention or talk to him about her.. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . That was about 6 months before the PA started, 10 months before our first separation & 14 months before my H would stop denying the A.<p>So, flash forward to last night. We were at a concert, it was between sets & my H was up talking to people. Soon, I saw another blonde female co-worker (like the FOW). I know that when we were separated that this woman was among those who emailed, offered him "comfort" & "if you need someone to talk to". <p>I really do wonder about these female co-workers who schmoozed my H, I mean he was already in an affair with a co-worker, had left his wife & kids, not divorced...exactly the kind of guy a single women wants to get involved with???? I'm just realizing I don't particularly like the environment...or hardly any of the females my H works with [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>And, though I've met the woman from last night several times, if I'm not with my H, she doesn't acknowledge my greeting. So, her past behavior has set off a couple red flags.<p>There was a concrete balustrade in between them, but because of the noise, their heads were close. Another red flag.<p>I'm sitting 10 feet away, full view of her face, H's back to me. She's rather waifish and looking wistfully at him, lots of shoulder, head & hand movement, eyelashes fluttering as she talks. I now have an entire bouquet of red flags spronging.<p>My discomfort level reached, I walked over and put my arm around my H, kissed his cheek & rounded the end of the balustrade so I was in her body space, "Well Hi! Diane, It is Diane, right?" Smiling big, showing plenty of teeth [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . She steps back.<p>Well, golly, this time she acknowledges me, asks me how my store is going, tells me she's moved to a neighboring town, works somewhere new. (My H told me later she was "catching him up on her life". I said, "Oh. I didn't realize you knew enough about her to need to catch up." He laughed & said the perfect thing "I love you Lor".) H's last job position change transferred him out of the building where she had worked, so he likely didn't know she moved.<p>Anyway, I gave another hug to H & I told him I was going to the restroom and left them.<p>When I got back, he was re-seated. He gestured back to where he had been standing & said "Did you come over there to mark your territory?" I said, "Absolutely. No more skinny blondes for you." He said, "You're the one I'm here with and going home with. You're the one I love. And you can mark me anytime you need to." [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I remember a time when, if I had done something intrusive, like that, he would have been either angry or frustrated. Last night, he seemed kind of...surprised & flattered? I've told him I feel very possessive of him...he always says there is no reason for me to be jealous about him.<p>I've often wondered what would have happened if I had had the confidence long ago at that party to not be cowed by the soon-to-be OW. I doubt it would have made any actual difference whether that A escalated or not, but I hate thinking she might have thought I appeared to be no threat to her having my H. I was a timid little mouse that night, I didn't feel like I was dressed right (don't you hate it when your clothes make you feel like you are Quasimodo? The villagers running and screaming...), I barely knew anyone there besides my H, I felt stranded alone in a chair and then had this flashy woman (OW) saying things like "Oh, you didn't know (H) & I went out for breakfast together this morning? He didn't TELL you?" Gack. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I want to go back in time and pummel her. <p>I actually got so bummed at that party, when I was ready to go & H didn't want to leave, I left him there and walked the few blocks home. He stayed about 3 more hours. Anybody else realize much later that they left their WS with the potential OP at a party? Not a great feeling to know that she seemed so "fun" and I seemed like a nagging drag.<p>Anyway, "Diane" hopefully saw the "back off" warning I gave her. Since she also attended our church--where she ignores me--I asked, "Do you still come to our church?" Blessedly, she has a new church home [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>And... I didn't throw either of them down the stairs.<p>I feel pretty good about my actions. Proactive. I didn't just sit there and stew or mope, nor did I join them and glare. H's reaction was good-humored and reassuring. For most of the second band's set he kept his hand on my leg & was affectionate (high EN for me).<p>As none of us can, I can't go back in time to that party and be a better me, or at least a little fun! But I think I can lay that regret to rest now. It's discouraging sometimes to have had so many issues develop through the bad times that sometimes I don't even know what else is lurking in my spirit until a situation brings it to the fore. But, I can say there are far fewer things that trigger or bother me on a regular basis.<p>So, I see my relationship with my H still improving, even minor what-could-be glitches, being handled & passed by without the struggle/fights we had for so long.<p>If you've stuck with this post this long...my answer the age-old troubled-marriage question, "Can it get better?" is: yes, it can.

Lor...<p>again... you give all of us in the early stages hope...<p>AND, you help us see that there will be bumps along the way...<p>BUT, we can and will deal w/ them...<p>FURTHER, we will be stronger for it and so will our marriages... should they survive... but we will surely...<p>Thanks for sharing,
Cali

LMAO....literally!<p>YOU GO GIRL!<p>I also remember a time when my H would have been totally pi**ed off if I would have done that. Now sometimes I think he actually likes it when I do something like that.<p>How true about us having the confidence back then to do something like this.....if only.....but then again....we might not be where we are now.....I'd rather be where I am now. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for sharing. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!<p>
you are right in looking back, I wish I had gone to my then H's office, over the yrs & then when I knew something was going on I wish I had gone, to remind the tramp he WAS MARRIED, but must not bother her she has been living with him for almost 10 mths now & he still is married. When I have called STBX's office now, he works for himself but it is in the same suite with her dad [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] or floor or something, I keep hoping I will get anyone but him or his voice mail, so I can say this his wife, have him call ..... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>but again YOU GO GILR! Stake out your claim. Your H's reaction brought tears to my eyes. It was so sweet.

Kick butt story Lor!<p>I can't say if I saw the OM or someone flirting with my wife now I wouldnt go balistic. I hope I can be like you some day =)
-HI

well I could add a bunch of philosophic stuff to support my opinion (but I won't [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ), I will just say IMO I think you did exactly the right thing....good for you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:
<strong>well I could add a bunch of philosophic stuff to support my opinion (but I won't [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .</strong><hr></blockquote><p>SNL, couldn't help but laugh [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Cali--even a year ago I don't know if I would have coped very well with this combination of trigger & "danger Will Robinson" fresh threat. As time passes from the Just Found Out phase to making decisions, whether those decisions ultimately lead to recovery or not, growth happens. After our rough times, I probably expect the bumps more than I expect the good moments [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] , and this past year I've worked on seeing positives instead of the "what ifs" that nearly made me crazy. And, if anything else, we're an example of a much less than smooth road to recovery, but it is still recovery.<p>Miss Priss--once that fog lifts for the WS and they do see the BS efforts and we see the spouse we married, hopefully a little wiser, it is a good feeling. Just like normal folk [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . If you get triggers, be aware that is what they are...and go a bit further and figure out what exactly is the cause. Present or past or fear for the future.<p>Sing--My H is sweet. It was one of the qualities I first loved about him, and one that was missing in the bad times. Sometimes I feel like an unravelled sweater that someone is knitting back together.<p>HangingIn--be like me? Be careful what you wish for [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . I think the best thing I did in that scenario last night was walk away from them. Because that wasn't the "old me". That was the Lor that knows if my H is going to flirt...or cheat, there is not one thing I can do about it but choose between Plan A & kicking his butt to the curb. I learned to let go and walk away instead of clinging, which generally induced my H to shake me off.<p>SNL--aw c'mon, surely if you wrote a long post I could find something to argue with you! Like how long in marital recovery it is to stand the test of time? (I've got a memory like a steel rat...er trap) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Bygones, I'm feisty today. My learning curve has been a steep one, and I appreciate that hearing from your viewpoint my behavior was the right thing.

Well Lor finally a post today that not only made me smile but made me laugh. Good for you! <p>I feel much like you do on the matter of what are these single women thinking. Are they so desperate for a man that a married man is better than no man at all? Grrr!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for sharing your awesome story and thanks for the much needed laugh today. God bless [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I think you did great.<p>I know that if we ever reach recovery I will be a common sight in my H's office. Everyone will know who his wife is and see us together. I will introduce myself to every new hire and attend every office happy hour or other function that I can. And I will be happy to do it, because in reality, I miss him and I miss being a part of his life.<p>Needing<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: needing ]</p>

Well, Lor, your confidence is showing. Good job!<p>I can identify with the "look back at what we missed" stuff. The lessons, they are learned.<p>All the best to you and your H.

Tiny Dancer--I'm glad I made a little bright spot in your day. I rarely start a thread anymore, and if I do, it's usually on the Recovery Board. But today I thought, since this is a good outcome story, and it seemed like GQII was the place for it.<p>needing--there was about a 2-3 year period when my H didn't invite me to anything for his work. I stopped by his office...but at that point he worked in a maze of cubicles, so I didn't always see anyone else. Now, he invites me to the social stuff and it is becoming much easier as I become acquainted with people.<p>WAT--thanks for the good wishes. Sometimes we learn even when we don't particularly want to!

HI Lor,
Great job!!! It sounds like the perfect night out. You are wonderful!!! <p>snl, I was looking forward to your post! What happened??? <p>aloha, cl

cl, you mean here? I was sorta serious, I did ruminate some over why lors action was correct (IMO), all this stuff (human mating behaviour) has "rules" it follows, and those rules are what I am using when I comment on stuff...what lor did was important on many levels....not doing anything would have been a very bad choice (but so would many of the possible confrontations she coulda chose from).... it was how she did it that was so cool, many would sense sorta a need to intervene (basic instincts we all have)...but lor knew how to intervene, and did it so well.<p>Or were you referring to another post somewheres?<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

" You can mark me anytime you need to"<p>That's beautiful! Good job Guard!<p>You really are special Lor. I think he's really got it!

I am definitely looking forward to the day when I can act and react in a similar fashion to you. I'm certainly nowhere near that - YET!!! (key word! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>Thanks for sharing your story. I got worried at the title - but I can bet EVERYONE who knows a bit of your story and saw the title felt the same way! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Lor--<p>To quote Jack Palance:<p>"Confidence is very sexy; don't you think?""<p>Good for you... <p> [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>E

I'm glad this thread was received so positively, I love you guys!<p>cl--good to see you post. You are one of my heros, y'know. I'll never forget how you & Wassi helped me through the first weekend of the 3rd separation. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>snl-- [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Thank you.<p>Mthrrhbard--another oldtimer! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Guard is doing really good. He's come a long way in his own healing.<p>Topie--you're doing good, it takes time to put the pieces together and form new patterns. For me, no real worries. And the thread title, well, I might have intended for it to be eye-catching. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Elad--to quote one of one of Mike Meyer's Austin Power characters, Fat Bas* "I'm dead sexy." [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . Thanks.

Hi Lor,<p> That is awesome!!!.....I'm so glad to hear your proactive stance!...<p>I was the same as you...very timid and housewifey ,I went to the hospital parties and never felt like I could compete with those young nurses, techs etc....no more! I am there , standing my ground and better dressed(!), whoever wants to make a move will have to go through me first!!! Great Job! LU

Lu--hi sweetie, you were on the long roller coaster too, you know how nice it is to hop off. I was dressed right the concert night, I hardly ever make the Quasimodo clothes choices anymore [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . Men have no idea...!