In relation to previous e-mails regarding my affair, my lover is now moving away for business. I am heartbroken and relieved at the same time. Now at least I know where I stand and can see an end to all of this. I am still so sad about losing this wonderful man (the affair) and cannot share my heartache with anyone. This may seem selfish and wrong but it is only the truth. I love him and care about him and will miss what we have shared. Though I still have no intention of telling my husband about this entire thing, it will be hard to face up to the real issues behind this affair, my unhappiness with my husband. Now I will not have this wonderful person to run to each time I need an escape. I guess that means owning up to my/our issues. The problem is my husband can barely hold a conversation with me as he is not much of a talker (though I bet I'd get his attention if I told him about all of this!) All kidding aside, I am about to be very sad over the loss of this relationship (my affair) and have not been heartbroken since I was 16 years old! I am 31 years old now and don't know how to handle this heartache at my age!!! <p>My lover asked me to write down my ideal situation regardless of anything and I wrote him 5 pages of how I would love he and I to be together, knowing full well that will never, ever in a million years ever happen. What is the point? He is leaving in 5 weeks. Sold his house today as a matter of fact, moving 4 hours away. I am just sick about this.<p>Perhaps this is the wrong place to vent this information as this is supposed to be building marriages and all I am doing is being sad over losing my lover, not even paying attention to my husband with whom I am supposed to lvoe and adore and want to make things right with. Ha! How can I want all of those things from someone who can barley look up from ESPN to hear about MY day! AAHH!!!!<p>Help me as I am clearly lost!

You will find that we all agree that you are clearly lost. <p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You cannot hide the truth from your H. Know what? You cannot hide the truth from yourself. Something is terribly wrong in your marriage. You sound disrespectful of your H. Is he really so awful or have you painted him so in order to justify your A?<p>Your H will find out. Better you tell him than anyone. Sounds like you have held out LOTS on him. <p>I don't mean to sound harsh...we here just really want you to find hope and healing for your M. <p>Having an affair is nothing to be taken lightly. Every day of my life I wish I could erase my past and not walk around knowing the way I broke my H's heart needlessly. I am in recovery now and it is hard work but well worth it.<p>Please let us help you. We honestly care. There is so much more you could have if you'll choose truth despite the pain. You will get past the pain.<p>Keep posting.

Princess,<p>The sad thing is that if your H listened to you all he would hear is lies about your day, since it is filled with thoughts and deeds with the OM and has been for quite awhile.<p>So perhaps he is better off with ESPN. You are right, we cannot offer you any help since you are not asking for any help. Just wanting to complain about OM leaving. I must say I am not very sympathetic about that, but I do feel sorry for one sooo young messing up her life as you have.<p>For that Princess, you have my deepest condolences.<p>God Bless You,<p>JL

How would you feel if you found out that your husband had cheated on you and justified his reason for the affair by using your same excuses?<p>Joe

It's clear that your H is failing to meet some important needs of yours. If you haven't done so already, one thing you could do is show your H the material on this site about emotional needs--especially, as you say, conversation. There's a chance you might get his attention when you've got the authority of professionals to back up your complaints.<p>Failing that, you certainly would get his attention by telling him about your A. Why should that proposal be a joke?

Hi Princess,<p>Two things I'd like to say:<p>1/ Thankyou for posting your feelings. I'm BS and my W probably feels as you do. It helps me to understand her emotions. I'm particularly interested in the relief you feel - can you elaborate. My wife tells lies about our relationship to help justify her A, just like many others on this site. I'm sure she truly believes they are facts. Might you be deluding yourself about the magnitude of the problems in your M.<p>2/ If my wife had proposed some marital therapy( an MB weekend perhaps ) before the A I'd have been intrigued and pleased that we would be rebuilding our tired relationship. If she suggested it now I'd love the idea. How about you? It's time to learn from your mistakes and build the life you want. Don't wallow in self pity. Get the strength that comes from doing what you know to be right.<p>Yor future is in your hands.

Hi Paul,<p>Well after reading the bashing I just received, your e-mail was a delight! I apologize for my lack of severity in my attitude...I guess I need to find a new site to vent all of this. <p>You said this:<p>Might you be deluding yourself about the magnitude of the problems in your M.<p>My response is "no". My husband and I met on a blind date in college 11 years ago (we were both 20 years old) and have been together ever since. When we first met and for several years our chemistry was incredible. Fabulous, insatiable sex, blah blah blah. Then I turned 28, became pregnant on purpose, had a gorgeous wonderful daughter two years ago and it was as if on my 30th birthday I was hit by lightening. All of the sudden my education, career, everything, did not matter as much as being with my baby. I was making well into the 6 figures and my husband was not. Well at 26, 27, 28 years old I felt like a queen! I felt like I could make all of this money, have a great husband who didn't make as much money as me, was still a really great guy. I turned 30 and my whole world turned upside down. All I wanted was to be home with the baby and all my husband wanted to do was take naps, hang out with his buddies, etc. etc. It was as if I grew up and he remained the same. That is when I began to pull back from my career and try and motivate my husband to "be a man", take over the finances, have pride in our newly purchased house, etc. etc. Nothing worked. I quit my job and did not work until recently, now I work part time, took a 75% cut in pay as well as a 75% cut in the hours I worked. I am able to spend more time with my daughter which is really the most important person/thing in my life.<p>My husband has not stepped up to the plate, so to speak, he has a great job however we are always now tight for money and are relying on savings to get us through some months. I am so resentful that he does not take control of things. I am so angry with him for being so lazy. Granted he works everyday at a great job. He has his degrees and is content with just sliding by each month. I grew up with a lot of money. I am not used to this type of life (granted we own a home in a very expensive part of Southern California) however my resentment builds each time I see my H lounging around, not taking care of things in the house, in my perception, not being a man.<p>Things muddled along until this past September when I ran into this man I dated while in graduate school. He was, and still is, the most fabulous lover and friend I have ever had! He listens to me, he takes care of me, he anticipates my needs before I even realize them. It is not all sex, not at all. He is incredibly smart, articulate and sensitive to my feelings. My H is not that in touch with his emotions and has a hard time expressing himself and knowing his own needs/wants let alone anticipate mine. Sexually my H is a receiver and my lover is a giver. 11 years is a long time to give to someone, in my humble opinion.<p>Of course I have tried weekends, books, therapy etc. My husband is satisfied with things being sort of stagnant. He is not a mover and a shaker and this other person is (much, much like my father).<p>I know I am a horrible person for all of this. I am wracked with guilt. Beleive me, this is no picnic for me by any means. <p>I am sorry for your pain which is why I would never, ever tell my spouse about this affair as the only reason I would tell him would be to relieve my own guilt and it would ONLY cause him heartache. He knows exactly how I feel about everything to do with our relationship. I truly think this is all that he is capable of giving to me and the objective now is to determine whether this is something I can live with, or not. The affair is clearly a bandaid to so many other things.<p>He makes me feel fabulous and I haven't felt fabulous in a very, very long time. Selfish? Maybe but I know that life is short and I truly do not have regrets about this....mostly regrets about marrying at 26. What you want at 31 is much different than what you want at 21 and who knows what 41 will bring! <p>The whole thing is probably a moot subject at this point as my lover is moving away. I am very sad. I will not continue once he moves away because then we are talking about long distance, phone calls, hotels etc etc. SO far this has been an "in town" thing, meeting at his house a couple of times a week (I am supposed to be working when we are together, I always carry a cell phone with me and everyone knows to call me there, not my office---that may be a hint to anyone who suspects their spouse.....if you can't call them on their work phone when they are at work, there is an issue).<p>At any rate, I really do appreciate your input. I can honestly tell you that if I were you and my spouse were having an affair, I would look inward and see what it is that I can do to make things better and no, I do not think that is what my H would do. He would just leave and I guess I am just not ready for that, or ever will be. <p>Write, back Paul, I like your style. I really don't need the negative ****. I give that to myself every moment of the day!<p>Thanks

Wow! As a former WS myself I could understand what you were saying in regards to your changing with age and your husband not. My ex was the same way. He got use to me taking care of everything until I felt and acted like his mother instead of his wife. The man I was seeing could not only take care of his family but me too. Your description of the other man reminded me of how I felt. I guess I don't have a lot of advice but I wanted you to know that I understand how your feeling. I do think that the best thing for you to do is to sit down with your husband and point blank tell him that your unhappy in your marriage. No hints...point blank. Most likely he feels like he is being a devoted and responsible father and husband.

Do you realize that you just emasculated your husband to everyone on this board? I say that with the most concern. I live in a run-down trailer with three kids. I have holes in my ceiling and in the walls. I don't think you have a clue about "just sliding by." I have sympathy for both you and your husband. Are you a Christian? I would like to recommend the book "The Power of the Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. I also want my H to take better care of the money. I can't because he spends it out from under me or gets mad, and then I snap at the kids, get anxiety attacks and palpitations. Anyway, I think you should be truthful with your H. Yes, that will get his attention and that's exactly what you need to do. Then, you need to pray (pray before you tell him.) If you are afraid, have a mediator present (not OM!). If your marriage has been so wonderful until recently, why have you had an affair? A man wants to be a man. It sounds like your H needs some admiration and affirmation, "no hesitation, but demonstration, so let's go." (just kidding) Find the smallest thing and praise him on it. Tell him you're proud of his degrees. Tell him he makes a decent living. Tell him that you think he works hard to do what needs to get done (at work.) If he helps you, thank him and tell him you really appreciate it when he helps. Ask him if he can do without the tv because you need him to be with you for an hour a night, and then he can have tv. I hope this can get you started. But, you need to get the affair out of the way. He may already know. And to build your marriage and then tell him would hurt more. It's his choice whether or not to be with you. To make that decision yourself is to be selfish and untruthful. Besides, if your marriage is in bad shape, then he may not want to be married and it may be better for the two of you to be apart.

Princess,<p>I believe you just posted on another thread that you didn't love your H the day you married him. This of course means he never had a chance. It also means it is very likely you haven't spent much time appreciating his good points just his bad. Even in this thread you gripe about how lazy he is, but he goes to work everyday.<p>In another words, what is the truth and how much of this is your rationalization. Frankly, I don't care, but if there is to be any hope for you to have a happy life YOU need to start sorting out the lies you tell yourself and the reality of your feelings.<p>You can divorce your H, you claim to be able to make 6 figures no problem, you claim to madly in love with OM and were since graduate school, which if my memory serves was before you married your H.<p>Now either your the dumbest thing on the planet, or your are deluding yourself about many things. I don't think you are dumb, so my guess is delusion. You even got pregnant with a man you claim to have never really loved and certainly didn't compare to the OM.<p>Hello, these are your problems, created by you via you lack of honesty and integrity. Stop, and think. Be honest with yourself for once and do the right thing. What is the right thing???<p>That is for you to decide but you know the affair is the wrong thing.<p>Please think about this.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Princess it is not our intention to hurt you with some our apparently harsh comments, no our intention is to help you get out of the selfish mode you have fallen into and see the harm it has caused you, your husband, and your child.<p>You are not a horrible person just another human beign that has made extremely poor choices in her relationship with her husband.<p>Like all wayward spouses that get addicted to their lovers, you show all the typical symptoms. You idealized your lover but if you were to leave your husband and go live with your lover on a permanent basis, you will probably be very disillusioned after a time because he also will not meet the emotional needs that your husband is satisfying for you presently. Want proof? read this paragraph, especially the last line, you wrote:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
At any rate, I really do appreciate your input. I can honestly tell you that if I were you and my spouse were having an affair, I would look inward and see what it is that I can do to make things better and no, I do not think that is what my H would do. He would just leave and I guess I am just not ready for that, or ever will be.<hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
My husband has not stepped up to the plate, so to speak, he has a great job however we are always now tight for money and are relying on savings to get us through some months. I am so resentful that he does not take control of things. I am so angry with him for being so lazy. Granted he works everyday at a great job. He has his degrees and is content with just sliding by each month. I grew up with a lot of money. I am not used to this type of life (granted we own a home in a very expensive part of Southern California) however my resentment builds each time I see my H lounging around, not taking care of things in the house, in my perception, not being a man.<p>Things muddled along until this past September when I ran into this man I dated while in graduate school. He was, and still is, the most fabulous lover and friend I have ever had! He listens to me, he takes care of me, he anticipates my needs before I even realize them. It is not all sex, not at all. He is incredibly smart, articulate and sensitive to my feelings. My H is not that in touch with his emotions and has a hard time expressing himself and knowing his own needs/wants let alone anticipate mine. Sexually my H is a receiver and my lover is a giver. 11 years is a long time to give to someone, in my humble opinion.
<hr></blockquote><p>It seems that you resent your husband for not meeting your financial needs but you don't say whether your lover was meeting them either.<p>Stop and think about this. If your lover was so wonderful a companion, why didn't you go with him?
Did he try to convince you to leave and divorce your husband and marry him?<p>I agree with you that your husband has not been meeting many of your important emotional needs, but unlike your lover, he hasn't left you after he has had his fun with you.<p>And one last thing, don't make the mistake that a lot of unfaithful spouses make when they say that their faithful spouses would never cheat on them. He just might be having or have already had an affair or two. I say this because I remember you saying that one time when you came back home after being overnight with your lover, you were shocked when he told you that it felt great not having you in bed with him and kicking him because he was snoring. There are many people here that have been both betrayed and wayward spouses.<p>Best of luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Joe has a point. If you are so incredibly happy, why can't you tell H the truth?<p>And why is OM moving away without you?<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Unless you are now ready to do some serious work on yourself, you'd probably be better off posting at gloryb.com. I'm afraid you won't find any "sympathy" at this site.

I do hope you will stay on this board. Although there are many bitter responses to some of your postings, I do hope that you can understand that it's because of the similarities in your A (as in any A), that trigger past and present emotions to BS's. I only hope that you will be able to turn your experiences to good on this board. To share your views of 'enlightenment' (so to speak), once you become more aware of yourself, your actions, the people they have (and will) hurt, and the consequences of those behaviours.<p>As a BS, I am celebrating the fact that your OM is moving away. I am NOT cheering for your hurt the loss of the OM will cause you, but for the gain in your M.<p>This is the perfect opportunity for you to work towards closure of the A. You have a deadline (5 weeks). Once that date has arrived, you can begin going through your withdrawal of your OM. It would be fabulous if you could do it sooner of course, but I don't see you doing that, because you want to hang on. <p>The average length of withdrawal lasts about 3 weeks. It can be more, or less, but you won't know until you cease ALL contact with your OM. That means no emails, no phone calls, no meeting face to face, etc.<p>It is so true that you need to focus on YOU. Not by being selfish and doing things that 'feel' good, but by learning about yourself, your H, and your M. And then working on issues, one at a time if necessary, to make YOU happy, FROM YOU.<p>Please continue to post on here, but as requested by others, try and focus on restoring your M, and not on the loss of the OM. Call it a mind over matter issue. If you think about it long enough, you'll start to believe it. And if you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for your daughter. You say that she's the most important thing in your life right now. How do you think her respect towards you would change if she knew of your A? (I know she's very young now, but she understands more than you think. And she's getting older everyday, and learning and understanding more everyday.). Don't teach her what a miserable M is. Teach her how wonderful it can be if you work at it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

I feel you sould of titled your thread with for only WS's to answer. As I am a BS, and my H had a sexual affair. What you are doing is so wrong. Why do you want to stay and be a big liar to your Husband? Why do you want to be a pretend wife, tell your husband all that you did, all the sexual affair you had, tell him everything. As long as you continue with not telling, you are a liar to him and to yourself and to GOD!<p>This is my H's OW theory in life too. She doesn't want to tell her H about this sexual affair with my husband. For one she has already had another sexual affair in her 28 years of marriage to the same man. She is a liar, deceiving her husband, also, the sex is a lie. How do you know that you are not contaminated with STD? Then you have sex with your H and contaminate him with the disease? I asked my H the same thing, he didn't tell me about the sexual affair until 6 months after I knew about the EA. I asked him, what if she had AIDS, you got the AIDS and passed the AIDS on to me? How are you going to tell my parents (parent) dad just died recently and our children that your mother will not be around much longer, and has AIDS and is dieing. Because I had sex with another woman, who was contaminated with AIDS? This is a scary thought, because my H didn't get tested for any disease before we had sex. He doesn't know what this wh*ore has, and with her being so promiscous, he doesn't know who else she has slept with.<p>You are to be honest with your husband, tell all, you are living a deceiving life, a lie and you will not beable to sustain a normal life with all this stress. Also, with all this stress, you could have a heart attack. Please be responsible and tell your husband now.

Oh my, you know this is very hard to read. You see you are pinning for a man who you say is so wonderful yet he is not willing to stick around and be with you. He is not willing to do even as much as your H is.<p>I am afraid that if you stay with your H, you are going to have to tell him of your affair. The idea that telling is only a way to help with your own guilt is a popular one. But if you read the MB material, you will find that not telling means that you will always have a secret. And that the secret will eat a way at you and your marriage. True recovery will never be possible until you are both aware of the marital problems and the depth of them. <p>In addition you really do not have the right to do the things you did… you exposed your H to the possibility of STD’s, he has the right to make that choice for himself. Your are deciding to keep him in a marriage that he might otherwise choose to leave if he knew the truth. It is his right to make that choice not yours. You made a choice to have you affair and to stay with your H of your own free will. Don’t you think your H has the same rights for himself?<p>Everything you say about our H and your actions show gross disrespect and contempt. I hope he wakes up to the reality of his marriage. How sad for him.<p>Your H does not support you financially the way you would like to be so you have contempt for him. Yet the OM does not support you financially at all. I'd be interested in knowing why you have such contempt for a man who loves you enough to stay and be supportive of you, yet you have such admiration for a man who does not do even as much as your H does.<p>I would love to hear your H’s side of he story. I’ll bet he has very real feelings that are hurt too. And for good reason. You can bet that your feelings for him come through loud and clear. You are not his champion in any way. I know that that feels like, my ex-H was like that towards me. It’s very hurtful. My point is that both you and your H have your story. If told they would probably sound like the were not even about the same marriage. <p>Right now you are not capable of working on your marriage. But I would suggest that you read the material and books on this web site. Then that you read the book Divorce Busting <p>If you stay here on MB please realize that this is a marriage building site and a tough love site. People here have a tendency to tell exactly what they think/feel. There are many people here who are in a lot of pain trying to recover from the pain that has been inflicted on them. From the pain they had no choice in. So please be careful about rubbing salt into their wounds. I know that you will say that you are in pain too. But your pain is of your own choosing. A BS had the pain forced on them.. no one asked them if they wanted to be involved as a BS.<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

What an interesting thread this is turning out to be. I'd like to make a couple of points about it.<p>1/ As a BS I am very interested in Princess' feelings. However deluded or immoral they may be they are genuine. I'm sure my wife has similar feelings about me( and I think she is wrong ).<p>2/ To repeat the standard MB advice in the way it appears here seems a bit like disrespectful judgement. We would not accept that in a M and should not offer it here. If people post honest thoughts they surely deserve a sympathetic response. If I were to express my opinions to my W as they are expressed here I wouldn't see her for dust.<p>3/ I sense that there is a possible future for Princess' M. Underlying all the pain and deceit there seem to be some genuine feelings. I'm ready to step up to the plate for my W - but she doesn't recognise it. If we can get this relationship back on the rails we may all learn some pragmatic lessons about marriage building for all our benefit. I want to learn those lessons and try something that works, not just whats right.<p>Good luck everybody.

Princess, Princess,<p>You really need to get a grip on things. It really sounds like your marriage is not a marriage and with the attitude and feelings you have for your husband why remain married to him? You know this site is for those who want to try to make their marriages work even though the circumstances may be difficult. You sound love struck by this Iranian guy who is now leaving. You have not lived with him and have not had the experience of day to day life. In time the sex may not be so great and you know what....he may find another married women to give all his fabulous love and kindness. He is obviously a person who doesn´t give a hoot if your married or not so count on him repeating his actions. Look I really don´t want to sermon you on the virtues of the amazing man. The issue here is YOU. What to YOU really want. If you want the best of both worlds tell your husband and give him the opportunity to decide if HE wants to stay with you. If there really is a way for you both to be happily married even better, but you really do not sound like your very willing to accept even part of his shortcomings. You said in one of your posts that you love him if I recall. If the situation was reversed would you believe he loves you. Come on!!! You live in a nice house, between the two of you there´s is enough money to be very comfortable. Maybe you need to consider being a divorced women in an apartment, scratching by. And think deeply, would the amazing Iranian still be interested?<p>Wake up and I really do wish you the best possible.
Rich

You owe it to yourself and husband to try and sort this out. If you truly don't love your spouse than leave. It is wrong to continue committing adultery. Who is to say that your unhappiness will continue and that you and your lover will find a way to be toghter. Perhaps you won't be able to see him as often, but four hours isn't impossible. Eventually, your husband will find out. You should realize from reading the posts that when he does, life will change and not in a good way. <p>If you are confused, stop seeing the OM and think about what it is that you need. He may only be the product of your unhappiness with your spouse. If the OM goes, and you don't resolve your issues with your husband, chances are you will find someone else who will give you what you aren't getting at home. Your emptiness is not going to go away unless you do something about it with the person who is causing it. Talk to him. Ask yourself if this OM is really what you want. You know what they say, careful what you wish for, you just may get it.