Okay, okay! I get it! I understand completely that this is a marriage builders site. I also realize that I seem to be one of the only people here who is the adulterer and not the "victim" so your opinions do matter as I can only conceive of what my husband would do given the opportunity to decide for himself.<p>Someone mentioned to provide this information and see what he does with it, or would I think he loved me if the situation were reversed. To start, I truly don't know what I want and if I want to tell him for fear of his reaction (leaving etc.) Clearly I am lost, otherwise I would have seen this OM months ago, written if off as a nice person to see, however I am married, rather than the route it has taken.<p>If my husband (who yes, I do love as a matter of fact) came to me with similar information, I would of course be devastated however I think that at this point I would look inward, is there something I can do or is it just gone between us? I don't know.<p>The disease thing that someone mentioned is not an issue. This OM is very hygenic and always uses a condom, I am on the pill and we use spermicidal jelly (not that it is relevant in disease fighting). Also, whomever said that the OM has not given me the committment that my spouse has given me is correct. You are right on the money. My OM has no intention of ever marrying me, nor do I have any intention of ever marrying him. This is a release for me, his house a place to escape some unhappiness and be pampered. The one friend I told about this situation to suggested I go get a massage at a spa instead. She is right.<p>Karen was right on as far as the confusion and working on me. I am a mess psychologically and I do not want it to affect my baby girl. When my husband and I are together with our daughter, things are great. We are playing with her, loving her and loving each other. I just feel like there is something missing with my husband. He is not a bad person and in fact is a very good person...he is just happy with staying the same mentally and emotionally (i.e. Peter Pan, never grow up). I on the other hand feel I am growing, am in my prime and need more (not just sex as my H loves sex with me and wnats it all of the time).<p>Thank you for your honesty. I saw my lover yesterday afternoon and cried because he is leaving (I know, I know, I am not supposed to talk about this---it does have a good point though) So I arrived back home with my daughter to greet my husband. Though ESPN was on, I asked him to please turn it off. Our daughter brought over a little picnic basket full of her tea set and asked her daddy to sit on the floor and have some tea. My husband is 6 foot 3" and he sat down on the floor and pretended to have tea with her and he mentioned to her to not forget the pickles etc. etc. and other things they had previously discussed. I began to cry just at the sight of the love between them and the love in all of us (this lttle family of mine). I related back to my afternoon activities and truly felt awful. I looked deeply into my husbands eyes hoping he could read my mind and of course he thought I was just losing it! My point is, I know what I have. I do. I don't know why I started this whole thing up again. I love the OM in a way I could never WANT to love my husband, out of respect or something. This other man is a release, a real ladies man. He knows just what to say, do, etc. etc, and I admit, I fall for it each time I see him. He is a charmer. But no, it does not add up to what my husband does for me and our daughter. He goes to work everyday. He comes home every night. He loves us and tries his best.<p>I have to figure out what is wrong with me and why can't I just let things be okay. they don't always have to be fire works and romat\ntic dinners. I did mention to my husband last night about my upcoming birthday and would he like to go up the coast and stay at a place we stay for the weekend. His face lit up like a christmas tree and said "YEAH!". I have already called up this morning and made the reservations. I am trying. I do know this is wrong. I do know that this OM will not make these type of committments to me nor does he want children. He is untouchable other than the bedroom whihc is where I usually have him.<p>My husband on the other hand will do anything I want, whenever I want. He loves me enough to put up with my moods, my *****ing at him and whatever else I do.<p>I don't want to say I am the victim by any means however those of you who are the betrayed spouse....YOU look inward and what happened in your lives before your spouse cheated on you? It takes two people in a marriage. I know what I did wrong and I could make a list of what my H did wrong. Can you? Are you truly the victim here or did things change in your relationship too? <p>I never thought in a million years that this would be me. THat I would be having an affair. I am one of the most righteous people I know. Very opinionated and feel strongly about a lot of issues. I was paranoid the entire dating relationship with my spouse (then boyfriend) that he was cheating on me. Perhaps I was projecting my own desires to cheat on him, or something along those lines.<p>I too am glad Karen, that my OM is moving away. I asked him to not provide me with his new phone number and to just make it a clean break. You are right also that there is no way I cannot see him over the next 5 weeks. I am weaning myself off of him and am thankful to see the light at the end of the tunnel (5 weeks and counting). I can't say that I am not heartbroken and won't continue to be so.....3 weeks is the time period though? I think I can manage that!<p>Yesterday my OM asked what I was going to do for a release, perhaps I should join a hiking club or something like that. I looked at him point blank and said "I have a husband, a daughter, lots of friends and family, don't worry about me, I will be just fine, if not better"> He is like an addiction I guess. I was really trying to convince myself with those words however I do know that that is the ultimate truth. That things will move on , he will move out of town and that will be that. I worry about the future, I worry if I will break down and miss him....his family is from the same city I live and work in so the odds of him coming into town for a visit are great. I also know myslef and know that when he meets the next woman, which is inevitable, I can't contine with this anyway. I am a very jealous person and could not handle that in any way. He is convinced we will see each other and I hope that I am strong enough to avoid him.<p>Thank you so much. I woke up and cried this morning for a good 45 minutes over all of this. I am in some serious pain, this is not all fun for me believe me.<p>I appreciate the opportunity to vent and I appreciate the feedback. IT is critical in my journey right now. <p>Thanks

One small step toward the future. One giant leap for family-kind. Either you had some things figured out, or you learn quick. Do keep coming back, Princess. It sounds like you have a wonderful family life and just need to learn to take care of you and them. If it's an addiction for you, do you think it may happen again? What do you think you can do to prevent that? Work the MB principles. And make a date to tell your H. I don't know if it's better before or after your Bday. If you tell before, your Bday will be a wash. Maybe wait until your 5 weeks are up so that you are strong enough to take you H's LB techniques without hating him for it and comparing him to OM. Try hard to count your blessings before that day (focusing on H). Start Plan A to him and get yourself together. Then tell him the whole story. What you think caused it, how you felt, what you did, how you feel now. What you want out of the marriage and what you want to do to make things better. Dr Harley suggests meds to help a person think clearly. You might consider that for yourself. Study the LB's and try to avoid them at all costs after DDay. And come here to vent. The folks here will help keep you straight. Ignore the extremely harsh ones. If they can't handle it, they don't have to read your posts. I'll pray for you and your family. Hang in there. Your H is 6'3"? I dated "high" guys but married a shorty--not regrets, he's easier to kiss. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Princess,<p>Well, your evidently not a stupid person. You do reconize right from wrong. We all have fantasies. There isn´t a person who does not fantasize about others who in their minds may be great lovers and emotional soul mates. You have had an opportunity to bring a fantasy to life. It´s just that and you know it. What´s more important to you, your "little family" as you say or afternoons of passion with a "man" who most likely wants just that. Your husband playing with your daughter and the tenderness he showed, the fact that he loves to make love to you. I´m sure he has alot of very good traits that many women would die for. I would love to spend an afternoon with Penelope Cruz but I keep my fantasies in their place and would not think of going any further. Look, he´s moving away, forget about him, it happened. If you truly want to be married and grow old with your husband and have grandchildren, put this affair behind you. Take this secret to your grave and make your marriage and life work. If not let your husband go. I´m sure he will remake his life and will find someone capable of putting up with him and playing with their grandchildren.<p>Another note:
Look I´m here giving advice but don´t think I do not have my own problems. I have a wife who also says she loves me but does not believe in fidelity. At the end of the day it´s all about values and morals.<p>Take care Princess

You are right when you said he's like an addiction, actually this IS an addiction. And you can't get over it until you get OUT of it. My h's affair was also an obsession, one that now he can't believe he engaged in. He admits he couldn't think straight or work on anything until she was completely out of his life. This even meant finding her another job in another town as she was his employee also. So good luck. I hope that you will be honest with your husband, he probably knows something whether you think he does or not. The not knowing and being lied to for 5 years was by far the worst part for me. Believe me it hurts like **** but even more so when you're lied to.

Wow!! Thumbs up to you Princess!!! You REALLY made me smile when reading your post. I am so happy to hear that things are sinking in with you. A suggestion for you: print out a copy of your last post (not necessarily this entire thread - although the changes in YOU are obvious), and read it whenever you're feeling down. You've pointed out so many wonderful things about your H and your 'little family'. If you focus on that as your goal, it may make it easier for you to get through all of this.<p>Kudos to you on requesting that the OM not give you his new phone number!!! Do your M a favour and do NOT back down on YOUR request. It is for the best, and I think you know that. Mostly, I hope that OM will respect your wishes. IMO, if he chooses to give you that information anyways, then he really doesn't give a 'hoot' about your happiness.<p>As far as it taking only 3 weeks to get through withdrawal - that is only an average. Do not get your hopes up that once you hit the 3 week mark of no contact with OM that you'll be back to your old self again. It's still a process. But it tends to be a much easier process once that time frame passes. (btw, the 3 week mark was almost right to the day for my H before I could see the changes in him).<p>Karen

Hi Princess,<p>I loved your last post. It seems that something is still missing from your M which you haven't identified. I'm stil a new boy here, hoping that this MB stuff works. Have you studied the emotional needs part. If you can identify what's missing you can ask your H directly to provide it. I wish my wife would do that for me. If you can build a fulfilling M It will be a great boost for us all. ( And I need all the boosting I can get ).

Good for you princess. You are finally on the right track and remember that even us BS appreciate a WS that is trying really hard to do the right thing.<p>As for us BS, if you've read about MB and it's principles, you'd realize that you are right in that we BS contributed to the environment that made it possible for an affair to happen. We take full responsability for our mistakes in our marriages, but even though we made our mistakes (angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, etc) our spouses chose to betray us and our marriages by committing adultery.<p>When you said that you are a righteous person who never imagined in a million years of committing adultery, you proved a point that the founder of MB (Willard Harley) made and it is that all of us are capable of committing adultery, and those that beleive they are not are the ones most vulnerable. I guess you learned that truth the hard way, didn't you?<p>You have again stated that you do not see your husband maturing (Peter Pan, Never never land)but I disagree with your statement. Lack of ambition does not equate with maturity because there are plenty of ambitious people that are emotionally adoslescents. He HAS demonstrated maturity by beign a responsable husband and loving father to your daughter. No, I'm afraid that the one that has yet to mature is YOU. Forgive me for being blunt but it is you that has acted like a spoiled little girl that instead of working inside your marriage for the things that you want, decided that she was going to go elsewhere. Your past (and I hope that it is past) selfish actions are the height of immaturity. But the good thing is that you seem to acknowledge your mistake in starting this affair and are taking responsability for the damage you've caused and that in itself shows that you are maturing.<p>Don't be afraid to continue to post because there are some people that seem more willing to attack you than to help you. These people are a minority in the MB forums, because the vast majority will try to help support you when you are finally ready to do the right thing for you, your husband and your child.<p>God bless.<p>Joe

Hello Princess: I wish my wife would speak to you some of the things you say are exactly what she has said to me. I will apologize for the people who have been mean to you on this post. They do not understand it takes 2 people to have a bad marriage. I will not say that you are wrong or right in your dicission making but I will tell you how I feel. My wife had a affair 8 years ago because she was missing something in our marriage. Since then she has had two others because she was still missing that something. She loves me and has always loved me more than any of them. She adores our daughter and is a good mother. Does this all sound firmiliar. All ot this has just come out and our problem has been 1. I did not listen well enough or take what she said serious. It is hard to know how to change. 2. she has been searching for what I was not giving her. I was not meeting her most emotional needs. How I finally found out about all of this is because she asked for a divorce this last August. The reason was because I deserved better and she could not love me the way I needed love. Now how you see me is up to you but I will admit to begging her to stay , crying, total depression this sounds all to soft for how I felt. Total devisation death might have been easier. Anyhow I have been reading. Dr. Harley's stuff Surviving the Affair is good. Now the most important thing for you to do is do the emothional needs questionire and have your husband do it too. I do not know how he will take any of this and it is up to you what to tell him but some honest truth about you and him is a good place to start. I would not wish the pain of a affair on either of you. So telling him is up to you. Can you just have a start like our marriage is not all I hoped it would be. something is missing. We need to talk and work this out for our daughter sake. Something to get his attention. The funny thing is my wife is still with me and we are doing well (great my marriage builders principles) we have problems I will not tell you they are gone. We went to a Marriage Builders weekend together in Sept. we have done the homework on the coarse sort of. She hates Dr. Harley she hates his approach she hates his answers she hates doing the homework so she quit but even with all these hates in there Dr. Harley stuff works. We have changed some she still works with one of these guys she had a affair with. You need to be honest about what you need and you need to let your husband know. When you are not in love with the person there is alot of things that are not great. Dr. Harley has a test you take to determine where you are. Instead of hiding from yur feelings fix the problem. You have to try for your daughter sake. Try if you fail so be it but do you not owe it to your little girl and yourself to try as hard as you can. I will let a little bit of my anger show here towards men who have affairs with married women. How can you say this other man is loving and caring when he is just using you for sex. You say he is such a giver well did he give you a beautiful little girl. Does he stay home and love her when you are out. I know you will hate hearing these things and if your husband said them they would be major love buster but I am a stranger. so think. You are a Princess treat yourself and your family with the respect they deserve. I wish you the best of luck and if you want to ask more question without being yelled at feel free to e-mail me afstahl@ecr.net please for your family and your daughter save your marriage. Have a nice day

How Should Affairs End<p>The Policy of Radical Honesty<p>Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity: How to Avoid An Affair<p>Hi Princess,
Your affair was not about your unmet needs, it was about your inability to protect yourself from your own weaknesses. Good luck in rebuilding your marriage and protecting yourself from another affair!

Wow! Thanks so much for the encouraging words! I truly do not know what happened to me over the last week or so. I actually have not contacted the OM since last week, though he has left a few messages I feel sickened when I hear his voice and dread seeing him. He is by no means a "stalker" and will not reveal anything, he just thinks that things are the way they have always been. I saw him last week and told him not to give me his number when he moves and that will be that. He claimed he wants to continue to see me periodically and I said no way. He then said "suit yourself". We were out to lunch and with that statement I walked out of the restaurant, into my car and went home. We have spoken since but his words really hit home to me. What is best for me and my family is not this relationship with this other man. Someone wrote that I was able to fulfill a fantasy and to put it behind me and to move on, take it to the grave. That is the right place for me. Thank you.<p>This past weekend I then decided to focus on my family and we went hiking and took our daughter to her first movie at the theater and played on her swingset and took her on a pony ride etc. etc. It was wonderful and I guess I never really looked at my husband in the same way. I also realized that though I love sex, it is by far not the only thing in the world and my husband is fabulous too and when I stopped to think about it, wants me as much if not more than the OM. My husband saw me gain 75 pounds when I was pregnant and still wanted to make love to me. He saw me at my very worst and my very best and always loves me. What the hell am I doing?? <p>I am a spoiled brat, I admit it. I was lost and am now found I suppose. I am looking forward to the day the OM leaves town so he can leave my mind as well. <p>Thank you thank you thank you for your kind words. I never really minded the mean people either, I figure they have their own demons and issues and I know what that is all about! <p>I will likely write again as this is now scarred onto my life and I am certain other issues will surface. I must learn to not be so hard on my husband and appreciate what we do have which is something that most would want I suppose. <p>One more thing, my H and I were talking this weekend and the issue of infidelity came up (as we watched an old "Sex and The City" episode when Carrie tells Aidan of her affair. My H said "why tell him? What is he going to do with the information and she still wants to be with him, chalk it up to a mistake". Then we talked about what if one of us cheated. My husband first of all said "honey, you do not have a mean bone in your body and you would never do something like that to us". I said "oh come on, in college? Or how about this and that......(details of other times in our lives)" amd he said "you talk a good talk but I know you and know you are not capable of something like that, you are a good girl". <p>WOW! Should I be flattered that I am on such a pedistal or insulted that he really doesn't know me? (not not know of the affair, I mean what I am actually capable of) I guess I will remain flattered.<p>Thanks again

Thanks for sharing your update. I am so happy that you are seeing your M for what it is and can be now. Good for you! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please continue coming on here as often as you need to. No question is a stupid or silly one. We're always here to help you if you need it, and of course, your input to others would be a great asset as well.<p>Take care,<p>Karen

Princess,<p>I cheated a bit and skipped a bunch so sorry if I missed anything, I didn't have time to read everything. Sorry for the bitterness comming from some here, I to feel a bit bitter reading your story. You must understand many hear see what you wrote and feel it is very hurtful, and the <to the point> approach you took when writing, drives the dagger in the wound, if ya know what I mean. So, don't take the bashing personally.<p>Ok, to my point..
You are pretty clear in that you don't want to tell your husband about the A. You also mention that you don't know if you can live with "it", I assume it being the guilt or the knowledge of what has happened.<p>I can tell you from experience that having learned of my wifes affairs 4 years after the fact, damaged our marriage to a degree that had I not learned when I did, I am sure the marriage woulndn't have survived much longer, and it was much more difficult putting the pieces together of just what did go wrong in the marriage to result in her affairs. Also it took its tool on my W who became very depressed and even suicidal over the years because the guilt was a huge part of her life. You sound like you are dealing with a lot of guilt. Do you think you can carry that the rest of your life? Do you think if your husband really loves you he would want you to carry that burden? Also if he had had an affair as well, would you want to live the rest of your life with him and learn years down the road he had lived a lie for so many years?<p>Immagine that you truely decide to work on your marriage and chose not to tell your husband the trueth, and things do improve. Your marriage begins to do better over the years and you are very happy with your husband. Do you not think that you will remember this affair, you will. Can you immagine a happy time and looking at your husband and the guilt that will come over you when and if the memory of the affair comes to mind. What about every night on the news or on a movie when the subject of infidelity comes up, it will remind you of the affair. Do you want to live like that? My wife did, and as I said, she became very depressed and wasn't happy because she let her affairs haunt her for four years. In those four years good things happened in our marriage, we were happier but the happier we were together the more guilt my wife felt. <p>Ok I think I'm done with my thought [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . I just figured I could give you some insight as to why you should tell your husband. I am sure your different than my wife, but unless you have no conscience I am sure you are experiencing guilt, and I am sure it won't just pass, it could fade with time or it could "snowball" over the years, either way it will affect you and your marriage. <p>I can tell you this has been the most devastating and hurtfull event in my life, yet it isn't half as bad as knowing she lied to me for four years. Also remember the longer you go without telling him the harder it will be to tell him down the road, if you change your mind.
Good luck, hope things work out for ya. E

RE: WOW! Should I be flattered that I am on such a pedestal or insulted that he really doesn't know me? (not know of the affair, I mean what I am actually capable of) I guess I will remain flattered.<p>Be flattered. He obviously loves you. You are a lucky woman. Many, many men would walk out on a woman who gained 75 lbs, childbirth or not. Though I think a man who would do this is not worth one moment of a woman’s time, many men are like that. <p>How could he ‘really know’ you when you have hidden the real you from him? Chuck it up to the fact that you’ve done a great job not being real with him. And in the future strive to live up to the standards he believes you possess.<p>The reason Dr. Harley believes that the BS must know about the affair is two fold, so that both parties can face the depth of their marital problems and there by deal with them. And so that there are no secretes between the spouses (radical honesty). The odd thing is that though many WS try to hide the affair from the BS the BS very often finds out anyway. And another thing in that most (50%-80%) of the BS eventually have a secondary or revenge affair. <p>Now you have a problem. It’s very clear in your above statement. Your H is clueless about how unhappy you have been in your marriage. He is clueless of the depth of the problems in his marriage. He really cannot be held responsible for this because you’ve made a great point of not telling him and hiding it from him. Dr. Viscott says that people use affairs as a release valve much like that on a pressure cooker. Your affair made it so that you did not have to deal with the problems and your H. <p>The OM asked you what are you going to do for release in the future. I’m going to ask you that same question. Right now you are in a ‘honeymoon’ stage with him. But things will settle down. If great changes are not made, then your marriage will be back to where it was or worse. <p>IMHO you need a plan to recover your marriage and to affair proof it. From personal experience I suggest that read the MB books (Surviving an Affair; Love Busters; His Needs, Her Needs at the very least). Then the [url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/sample.html Divorce Busting [/url] books. The MB and DB concepts dove tail very well.
Hope this is of some help.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dr.Harley:
<strong>We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm... I think your H has a right to know who he is really married to. IF the detail(s) of your affair rise to the surface some day, he will be wondering how much of his marriage was a lie and how much of it was real... BS's have been known to discover WS's affairs in the strangest ways. Be careful if this is your choice (NOT to be honest with your H). For some reason, I saw your TV show conversation as an opportunity for you to come clean once and for all. But you saw it as your escape from the truth... Then again, do you suppose your H has ever had an affair?!?! Could that be why he is so understanding and lenient????? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

I agree that your H really does deserve to know. He obviously loves and trusts you. If he finds out thru somebody or something else, it will be much harder. Do it now while it's current, not years later. You may think that will soften the blow, but it only hurts more. You need to make some decisions here, and think of his feelings too. Not just yours. And if you are capable of having an affair, so is he.

Thanks again for the thoughtful words. I have no intention, regardless, of ever telling my husband. That may go against what this site is all about however I truly think that this was a fleeting moment (which lasted 6 months) and it is certainly dwindling. It would be pointless as most of the issues (I feel) are within me and I was merely projecting them onto my husband...blaming him for my own unhappiness. At any rate, someone mentioned that most men would have left had their wife gained 75 pounds (which I have lost thank you very much) and I truly value that quality in my husband. Up until a few days before giving birth to our daughter he still wanted me physically (though it was an impossibility at the time!) My point is that I know that he loves me and I am learning through all of these thoughtful words the effect I have had/am having on my marriage and my focus now is to look at the brighter side of things and focus on making things great again between us. I just fell off of my horse I guess and must venture back up. <p>Last night my H went to sleep very early as he felt sick and I checked my voice mail on my cell phone and the OM had called. I did call him back and we talked for a while. He began to only talk about sex with me (which is normal for us I suppose) and then it hit me....what else do he and I have besides his adoring me and great sex? That is not much to base a relationship on. As I looked around the room I was in and appreciated how nice it was and how comforting it was knowing my husband was snoring away in the other room I blatantly said to the OM "You know what, this is it for me. I can't consciously do this anymore, don't call me again, please". and I hung up! WOW! I was stunned and of course could not sleep at all last night. <p>This site gave me the insight to know what I was doing (have been doing) is wrong and selfish and I have a great man, my husband, who is the one who made the committments and who sees me more than a good lay. Right??????<p>Thanks again!