Quick history for anyone reading this, since I haven't posted very often. WS started A June/01, D-Day #1 9/29 was followed by remorse and a commitment to the M. <p>Although some contact continued up until D-Day #2 on 10/28. After this followed another comittment to the M, and a period of withdrawl for about 4-5 weeks. During this time my WS saw an attourney, looked at places to live etc. <p>Then in Dec/01, I saw a change in her, she told her friends and her C that she had decided to work on the M. Things went well over Dec, a few ups and downs, but no contact. Then at the beginning of the year my WS made contact with OM (first time I knew of anyway). He had been away in Florida, and she said that she just wanted to find out if he had a good xmas etc. This set us back (or at least me) considerably, and destroyed that trust I was trying to rebuild with my WS. <p>Finally this led to D-day #3 on 2/1. Since that time WS has gone through another period of withdrawl (she is a very angry person, and has issues dealing with that also). Last weekend, issues came to a head, we discussed D, and agreed that neither of us wanted that (we have a 4 yr old D). My WS suggested a separation, since she doesn't want to work on our M, and she doesn't want a D. This would entale me moving out to an apartment (since that is a cheaper option than her and my D moving out). As I pondered my options, it became clear that her vision of the separation was that I live close enough that I could come and look after my D, so that she can go out to work, and go out with her friends, that she would maintain her current lifestyle (ie the large house, the finances etc). My idea is that we totally separate (I would move about 30 miles away), and I come to see my D after work. I am also thinking about separating the finances. Is my WS just practising for the cake-eating Olympics, or is this a valid course of action to ensure a successful reconciliation ?<p>I should add that we were in MC last year, but WS decided that it wasn't getting us anywhere. I have been plan A-ing since July last year, yes I've slipped up and LBed a few times (especially on D-Days !) <p>We both redid the EN questionaire at the beginning of this year, WS top need is family commitment (which I do score high on), and she didn't even bother ranking Financial support (she just assumes that I support her). She does have "issues" with spending money, which has got us into some difficulities currently.<p>Should I be looking for a place to live that is close to home, cheap and short term, or should I be looking for a place where I want to live, probably more expensive, but plan on living there for a lot longer. I asked WS this Q, and she doesn't know what she wants.<p>Should I separate the finances now, so that she doesn't put us in a situation where we may loose our house?<p>I have no way of knowing how long it will take before she decides she wants to "work on the M". I moved out of the house last month while she was at work, after I discovered continued contact with OM, and she lasted 4 hours before begging me to come home, how much she loved me etc.<p>Sorry for the rambling post, anybody got any suggestions?<p>BS - 36, WS - 31, OM -27 (Student)
Married 10 Years, 1D, 4 yrs

My suggestion.<p>If SHE wants to seperate then SHE should be the one to move out.<p>She doesn't want to work on your marriage but doesn't want a D?
This sounds a bit manipulative to me.
Sounds like she's trying to have her cake and eat it to.....and by YOU moving out....that's exactly what you'll be giving her.<p>If you don't want to seperate then don't budge......she made the decision to have an A....she can make the decision to move out if she feels that she needs to be seperated from you.<p>If seperation happens and you feel the need.....make it legal so that your finances ar protected....just in case.<p>You didn't ask for any of this...and you certainly never wanted it to happen.....so let her move out if she feels the need to be seperated.<p>I don't think this has anything to do with her trying for a successful reconsiliation......I think it has more to do with the fact that she still wants to have contact with the OM....and she wants you out of the picture....just to the side...in case things don't work out with him...so she can....and just like you said....so you can be her babysitter......JMHO.

Thx for the reply, my only concern is that letting WS stay in our house would be the least disruption for my D. But I agree that it appears that my WS is wanting her cake and eating it !!!<p>wpd<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: wpd ]</p>

I think I'm n a similar position. My W stays at home and goes out with OM. She lies to me about it but knows I realise it. So she is actually lying to our boys. Our boys are innocent and currently still trust her, I think.<p>As I get over the shock I have no guilt, just a window of opportunity to improve myself. She, on the other hand, has a growing burden of guilt and doubts. As time goes by the pendulum should swing in my favour - returning to the marriage looks better all the time and the alternative causes immense pain to the children she loves. And if it goes sour with OM then so much the better. I just hope she is big enough to come back rather than run away. I must make the home a safe place.<p>Hope this helps a bit.

Just wanna say that I agree with Miss Priss, the person who wants the seperation is the person who leaves the family. That means she leaves the home and you KEEP your child. <p>As far as finances go, Dr Harley would tell you that if she wants to leave the marriage, you do NOT support her financially. She has to figure out how to do that on her own. That is an emotional need, financial support, that she is used to you providing. If she wants to leave you, you should not be supporting her emotional needs. She needs to see what it would be like for you NOT to be meeting her needs. <p>So, if I were you, I would tell her in as non LB way as possible. I understand that you feel that you want to seperate, that is not what I want, I want to try and rebuild our marriage and feel that we can do that best by living together as a family. However, if you aboslutly cannot do that right now I will not stop you from leaving. You can go whenever you want. And let her know you will not be paying her rent. She's not a prisoner, but it is your home too and you should not leave. Let her try and get OM to pay her rent. That will be a huge LB on both their parts. (Don't say that to her though)<p>Needing

Well had a discussion last night, it appears that she is going to move out, with my D, but she wants me to co-sign a lease with her! Not sure what lease length she is looking at, and if I know my WS she won't be looking at the most affordable place!

wpd,<p>
If you sign (or co-sign), she won't have to take full responsibility for HER actions. Asking you to sign is her way of opting out of her choices. So, I wouldn't sign a damn thing - it's her choice, her business, you aren't her fix-anything-for-me person anymore.<p>good luck,<p>- Freddy

wpd-<p>As many others have stated, you should not support her in any way during this time. This is a time for you to become strong - to regain your self-respect (I know I lost mine during this time and I allowed my WW to manipulate me into not breaking contact).<p>Your wife really needs to KNOW what it will be like without your help in any manner. This will be unpleasant for your daughter as well but hopefully that will be temporary. Provide limited monitary support for your daughter as this is not her fault but make sure any contribution you make for your Daughter goes directly to her care. Be careful not to play the game of good parent - bad parent with your child.<p>My wife moved into a tiny furnished studio apartment. Her bed was a wall pull-down unit. She had limited hot water, no real freezer and a street light shined into her apartment every night and made it difficult for her to sleep. SHe was also very lonely. She very much wanted to come home. When she did, we designed expectations for each other to make that happen. I had regained my respect and some of the balance of power in the relationship. I think this is an opportunity for you to do the same as well.

wpd,<p>Please listen to what these people are saying. You have no responsibility to co sign a lease. If she can't afford it on her own, than she can't have it. And I still feel your child should stay in the family home. That is what is least disruptive to your daughters life.

dup post<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: needing ]</p>

Thanks for the responses, she can get a limited lease for 3 months that would give us some much needed space. She says that she loves me, but that she is not in a position to work on the M at this time (I know, Fog). But she is still my W, and although I don't want her to have all the benefits associated with the financial support I give her, I can't throw her on the street. <p>She clearly cannot afford the rent on her own, and she doesn't earn enough to qualify for the rent. I think her father may be helping her out, certainly with the deposit and the first month's rent so that we can execute this quickly (he's in another country so he can't co-sign)

WPD,
I think your wife and my wife (WS) are in the same cake eating olympics. I don't have all the answers for you but just wanted to let you know I am in the same boat with you. My wife and I don't have any kids but I am in the same situation. My wife doesn't want a divorce nor does she want to work on the marriage. Right now my wife wants her own space and her own independence (eating her cake). She wants to be able to go out with her friends and just do whatever she wants. Don't, whatever you do put yourself in a situation to be a doormat. I did that in the beginning and trust me it sucks/hurts. Do what is best for you and your daughter. Maybe we can't stop them from eating their own cake but we can make it harder for them to do it on their own.
Good luck...
I think being in the "fog" is the only qualification for being in the cake eating olympics...

Your not throwing her out into the street. She is CHOOSING to leave the home. That is her CHOICE. She has to face the consequences of those actions. She has to make it work for HER. You do not have to help her break up your marriage.

Well, discovered that we certainly couldn't afford her to move out. The real option I have is to stay with a friend for a few weeks and visit after work. Any suggestions? I feel OM is actually out of the picture (WS watched Dr Phil with me yesterday and the aftershow on the web), but as I said before, she has so much anger inside her that she has bottled up (not just about me, her parents etc), and she just won't let it go.<p>I'm feeling that we need time apart just so that she can calm down.

What sort of ultimatums should I give (if any) associated with this move. I was thinking of leaving for about 5 weeks, returning and then making a decision to either work on the M, or to D. I can't live like this anymore.

I think by you leaving house for 5 weeks while still supporting your wife is her idea of HEAVEN. She get's to take no responsibility for her actions, and all the freedom to do what she wants at your expense. I think if you are to leave a NO CONTACT should be issued, so wife would get a glimpse of what life would really be like without you in it.