Hello everyone,
I'm engaged to be married in a few months and can't decide whether to move forward with the wedding or not. I had been having an affair w/my fiance's ("A") friend (who I'll call "B") for the last 6 months. A, B, and I have been friends for many years. B and I called things off just this past weekend and agreed that the right thing to do is to no longer act upon our feelings and allow me to focus on my relationship with A. B said it was going to be difficult for him to get over but that was something he had to do because that's how the cards were dealt. I have had doubts about getting married for some time now but am terrified of ending the relationship because of the wedding plans made, the house that we already built, and most of all, the pain and disappointment it would cause everyone involved, especially A. A has no idea of what's been going on and would be devastated if I admitted to having an affair (especially w/ one of his closest friends)and called off the wedding. I can't bear the thought of hurting him more than I already have (even though he doesn't know).<p>What doesn't help is that B and I have been friends for a long time and at one time, were very interested in each other (A knows this). I still love A and think of him as my best friend, but can't handle all this lying anymore. Do I owe it to A to try to make this work? Would this marriage be doomed before it even started? Should I tell him?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!! <p>I know what I have done is the most awful thing I could ever do, but there are/were things lacking in my relationship with A that B so easily took care of. HELP!!

ohio,
check out the premarriage/early years board here. I would have to say that if you are cheating now, there is a good chance the marriage is not going to be a good one. <p>Take the ENQ and see what needs you have that aren't being met by A and think about how that can be fixed.<p>If you love A, then you can make it work.

ok, simple decision, some embarrassment and cost in stopping the wedding now....or trying to build a lifetime based on what? That you love him enought to have an affair with someone else? Why do you think that could ever work... you DO NOT solve problems by marrying someone, you solve them before you marry....whatever relationship you had that led to marriage died when you had the affair, you are starting over, so would you marry someone you just started dating? You don't know enough about yourself to marry anyone, and that is where you need to go now...BY YOURSELF...good luck.

Cancel the wedding. <p>First, you say your fiance is not doing a good job meeting your emotional needs...and whatever is missing now, will be an even more glaring gap in 5 to 10 years. This is a relationship issue.<p>Second, regardless of what needs are unmet, having an affair is not a good way of dealing with the problem. Really, its a way of avoiding dealing with it, by getting thse needs met elsewhere. Until you are willing and able to confront problems and work them out (versus try to sweep them under the rug), you will likely have difficulty in any relationship...bcs there are always problems of some kind. This is a personal growth issue.<p>Good luck--<p>Kathi

You've answered your own question.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I know what I have done is the most awful thing I could ever do, but there are/were things lacking in my relationship with A that B so easily took care of. HELP!! <hr></blockquote><p>If there are things lacking in your relationship already then how do you think it will be 10 years from now?

Take it from me, someone who after 5 years of marriage started an affair with an old friend, don't get married. I think now that I knew the day of our wedding that this was not the greatest idea. I couldn't conceive of not going through with it as I was 26, parents had spent a fortune on everything, I was standing at the alter and could not look at my husband in the eyes for fear he would "see it" in me.<p>Now we have a 2 year old and I am having an affair. It is not pretty. THings are complicated however my husband does not know of this affair. If I could do it all over again, I would not have married my husband and now there is way too much at stake, property, money, child etc. Get out while you still can and when you don't need an attorney to validate your reasonings.<p>Good luck! Follow your gut, it is usually right.

Ohiogirl,
I would say if you are having these doubts, it's time to postpone the wedding until you KNOW. If you have to question it, you're not ready.<p>Good luck!!!

Ohiogirl LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD.
My wife had an affair that stared when we were engaged. It started 6 months before we were married also.<p>My wife never told me she apparently tried to stop seeing him hoping things would just work out.<p>She couldnt she tried to hide it all and stop seeing him. she couldnt. she started seeing him about a week after we returned from our honeymoon. Our relationship was getting rougher. I could tell something was wrong but I thought it was just normal and we had our whole lives to work out the kinks in our relationship.<p>It doesnt work like that.<p>5 months into our marriage she tells me she doesnt love me. It crushes me. she says she needs time to think about it. We seperate. I add things up in my head and continue to ask while she continues to deny till one day I find out. Not to my face, not over the phone. over instant messenger is where she finally told me.<p>DO NOT WAIT. IF YOU CARE ANYTHING ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT THIS MAN TELL HIM GODDAMNIT. even if he is just a friend to you. You dont cause your friends this kind of unimaginable pain and the humiliation of CONTINUING to lie. if you go through with this marriage as is, you are making the biggest mistake of HIS and YOUR life. <p>I think he has the RIGHT to know if you respect him even the LEAST FRICKEN bit.<p>sorry this hits a little too close to home.<p>-HI

HELL YES i wish my wife would have told me before we got married. I cant say 100% I would call it off, definately postponed it till all was worked out if it was possible.<p>You are worried about a little embarassment now? Consider HIS feelings. It WILL come out eventually. You have no idea the pain that it will cause. it is the worst kind of agony and betrayal finding out AFTER we are married. Its 100 times worse that she could not tell me to my face.
Knowing my wife was in love with someone when we were married. <p>thinking what the hellw as she thinging saying those GODDAMN HOLLOW LIES that were the vows. Knowing if this doesnt work out we will be stuck with the badge of a failed marriage for our lives.
TELL HIM NOW<p>
dont let this get further PLEASE.<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

look I found out about this almost 4 months ago. I am still a basketcase. spare him this.
as screwed up as I seem now, I am not normally this emotional or frantic. <p>trust me it will hurt both of you.<p>Im sorry if I am over doing this but I am not kidding in the least.<p>there is absolutly no doubt what you need to do.
if you cant tell him and let him decide at least cancel the wedding.

Ohiogirl,
OK, the good news is that you aren't married. The bad news? CANCEL that wedding ASAP! So what if you lose deposits etc...? It will be a hell of a lot cheaper than getting a divorce. Mine has cost more than most big weddings! If you have to question one teeny, tiny thing about getting married then you aren't ready. Not to mention the fact that you have already cheated on your "intended". How would you like to find yourself married with children five or so years from now and totally miserable because you realize that you truly did marry the wrong person? That would only make the pain worse for all involved.<p>Trust me! The above mentioned is my story. My husband had doubts about marrying me and sure enough, 5 years, two kids and a new house later he had an affair and left. Absolutely devastating! That was two years ago and I have days where I am still in so much pain. Listen to what people here are telling you because many of them have experienced just this.<p>Good luck! Life is too short to put yourself through unecessary grief.<p>Much love,
BurningBright