I need to vent here today. Those following my posts can probably see that I have moved from the hopelessness and sobbing hysteria right after D-Day, into the acceptance of my situation and the commitment to work at improvement and Plan A. Now I'm in the impatient, frustrated, often angry stage. One thing that gets me angry is that my wife refuses to allow me to do certain things. If I do them, major LB, and she shuts down or attacks. But I can't share it with WW w/o LB'ing so I'll share it here. Feel free to add to the list with your own items.<p>10. Show affection in public places. My WW says this is immature and embarassing (of course it's probably OK with OM).<p>9. Tell her I missed her when I get home from work (She says it confuses the DD's since I never said it before).<p>8. Call her from work during the day (I'm supposedly checking up on her).<p>7. Take long loving looks at her from across room (it makes her feel uncomfortable).<p>6. Watch her applying her makeup (I was never interested before so why now?)<p>5. See her naked or in various stages of undress (she changes in closet or bathroom now to avoid it).<p>4. Ask her what she did today or what she'll do tomorrow (I never cared before so I must be checking up on her).<p>3. Read her Bible Study answers (never bothered her before but I guess she wants to keep her thoughts to herself).<p>2. Ask her anything about OM or A (she is "not ready" to talk about it) NOTE: A still going on though has cooled considerably.<p>1. Touch her anywhere considered an erogenous zone (remember no SF for almost 8 months).<p>Many of these things are my way of trying to meet her EN of affection, but I guess that is one need she puts limits on.<p>Biggest problem I have is knowing that OM has and probably still is able to do any of the things on my "forbidden" list.<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

Boppo,
I'm sure there will be some that disagree with me but those things are NOT LBs! It sounds like she is looking for an excuse anytime you do anything that a lot of people would simple accept as loving and nurturing. I don't know about reading her Bible Study questions and answers, that could be personal. But calling her from work?! I disagree with her responses.<p>I have not followed every one of your posts. So I am not sure if she is still seeing the OM but it sounds like you are.<p>I said this to someone else earlier today and I will repost it here. It is imperative and critical to a HEALTHY relationship for each partner to be recognized as an equal partner AND for each partner to be able to openly and honeslty communicate his/her feelings. If not, the marriage will NEVER work. NEVER. It is doomed without the doors of communication. I am upset at some of her responses. Her responses seem angry and selfish. You must feel that way also. <p>I am glad you came here to vent. I hope you will think about some of the things I have said. You should be able to communicate with her and it cannot be one sided. Relationships consists of TWO people (not just her).<p>Just MHO of course. Hang in there!<p>Love, Clear

Correction, it sounds like SHE is still seeing the OM. If so, where is this going? Is there going to be an end soon?<p>How can you MB with another man in the picture?

She is still seeing OM. Not sure when or how often, but can't be more than once a week for a few hours. All PC contact ended on or about February 5. I am with her all weekend and one weekday. She has other activities she is doing (Bible study on Thursdays, walking 5 miles with GF's on Fridays) and OM is 2 hours away so seeing him is limited. Since PC contact stopped I have been unable to snoop but it has been a blessing. It was hurting me more than anything else. What a relief since I've stopped.<p>As far as MB'ing with OM in the picture, that is what probably 50% or more of us are doing here at this site. I am in Plan A waiting for spouse to re-commit to marrriage. She is slowly but surely coming back. But she doesn't trust me enough to go all the way (that's what she says).

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>But whenever one spouse is the cause of the other's unhappiness, one thing's for sure -- Love Bank withdrawals are taking place.
<hr></blockquote><p>From here... the MB page about Love Busters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html<p>Boppo,
I know this is a vent. And it's GREAT that you're coming here to do it, instead of your WW!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I can certainly relate to most of your list there, and can probably add 100 things to it. Truth is, as long as the A is going on, and even after its over (during withdrawal and/or guilt)many many things are annoying to the WS, especially things that make them feel smothered, or being "checked up on". Plan A is meeting as many EN's as the WS will allow. If they annoy her, you'd better back off a bit. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>11. Talking to WS's family about anything.
12. Being sad.<p>Hang in there!! Keep venting here instead of to W!

10. Show affection in public places. My WW says this is immature and embarassing (of course it's probably OK with OM).
Answer: This is an excuse to avoid intimacy.<p>9. Tell her I missed her when I get home from work (She says it confuses the DD's since I never said it before).<p>Answer: Any sign of intimacy makes her uncomfortable and when you don't share the same in love feelings with the person telling you this stuff it seems sappy.<p>8. Call her from work during the day (I'm supposedly checking up on her).<p>Answer: It's annoying when your not thinking about that person.<p>7. Take long loving looks at her from across room (it makes her feel uncomfortable).<p>Answer: You answered that yourself,it makes her uncomfortable.<p>6. Watch her applying her makeup (I was never interested before so why now?)<p>Answer: Your crowding her, making her uncomfortable.<p>5. See her naked or in various stages of undress (she changes in closet or bathroom now to avoid it).<p>Answer: This is a biggy! Especially if the two of you are not intimate, or not very often. To her, your looking at her excites you and that's the last thing she wants if she's avoiding you this way. This makes her the MOST uncomfortable.<p>4. Ask her what she did today or what she'll do tomorrow (I never cared before so I must be checking up on her).<p>3. Read her Bible Study answers (never bothered her before but I guess she wants to keep her thoughts to herself).<p>2. Ask her anything about OM or A (she is "not ready" to talk about it) NOTE: A still going on though has cooled considerably.<p>1. Touch her anywhere considered an erogenous zone (remember no SF for almost 8 months).
Answer: Go back to number 5. Same answer. Careful on this one, the more you push for intimacy.<p>Many of these things are my way of trying to meet her EN of affection, but I guess that is one need she puts limits on.

The hardest part of this is realising that the WS is the one who decides what love busters are. These seem like normal things any couple in a healthy loving relationship would do,and appreciate. But, our relationships are not healthy. So, when we know something we are doing is a love buster, we have to stop. I had to stop telling my WH that I loved him. It made him uncomfortable and angry. He knows I love him, but hearing it from me was a love buster so I've stopped.

you know each of us (bs or ws or no infidelity) determines what is a love buster or not, the other has 2 choices...don't do it, or leave the relationship....<p>In your case the observation is pretty straigtforward, these are all about YOU, and what YOU want, the best advice is given all the time, work on yourself, and respect your wifes boundaries.