This weekend, I spent with my oldest (college age) & had some good talks. I was open about what was going on but without giving specifics. Oldes S surprised me when he told me that he & oldest D talked & they don't want me to stay M just for them!!!!! that they will get through it (DV) & will get the youngest ones through it!!!!!<p>They are very hurt & angry with their Dad. I have a feeling that they are not sure why i continue. I did say that I needed to have done everything that I can, that I beleive in my committment I made not only to my H but to God. That most people get DV too fast. That I am working on myself.<p>Still I'm amazed that he said that. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi WGTT Your kids sound very much like mine, very angry very hurt but oh so willing to back Mum all the way.
I hid what was going on for the first 15 months to protect mine from this hurt and anger.
And my acting skills were so good, they did not have a clue.<p>Oh they knew i was not the happy laughing person i used to be and put it down to the menopause.
They also noticed changes in Dad but just thought he was working to hard.<p>when i decided he had to go as i could not live with the strain any longer.
Boy were they angry, our son would not speak to dad and D who is fighting a heroin addiction just went to bits again.<p>All this is so hard on older kids as they know whats what and see it all in black and white.
Mine think i should just find someone else and leave him to it.<p>If only it was that easy to let it all go.
Liz

it seems surprising, but from what I have seen in others circumstances, not unusual at all. We sometimes think of our kids as little children, who can't understand these things, but they aren't. And few people think a marriage should continue just to do it, if the people are not happy, nor do most think people should "make" themself be happy just to please others. Kids of course are "people" too, and in addition they know as well as anyone the real emotional realities of the home...further they usually love both parents, and do not want to see either unhappy just for their sake.....If they are included (as they should be in appropriate ways) in the resolution of marital conflict (especially if seperation/divorce occurs) they often have very good insight into the marital dysfunctions of their parents, and can appreciate why divorce might be the right solution. <p>Mostly I think they want to see fairplay, not parents trashing or hassleing each other, they want to know they are loved, and what will happen to their relationships with both. If parents make the effort, do the work, treat each other fairly, and divorce amicably, kids will be able to deal with that a whole lot better than parents who act hatefully and hurtfully to each other, whether married or divorced.

We've been separated for almost 3 years. Oringinally WH left to take care of sick Dad, them stayed on after his death. One thing led to another. He was so mean, angry & critical up to about Christmas of this year, that the kids were gald to see him leave when he came for a visit. <p>I didn;t find out about the A's till his mom died & I went up for the funeral which was Oct 01. Since then, the kids have seen my saddness & pain.
They feel abandoned. <p>This is not an easy road. I pray for direction every day & so far don't feel like I should DV my WH.<p>SLN, you are so right, kids are people & are very perceptive. I have a friend who did DV her WH & told the D & she said she knew before Mom did. I give my kids a lot of credit - they are basically good kids (not perfect but who is?) I told my S that this could be used for the better. My dad, thier grandfather was about the greatest man on earth (he's in Heaven now). He grew up in a family with 2 alcoholic parents with lots of problems. My Dad was determined to not have us kids have a crazy life because of what he had gone through. It workded. I said be like your grandfather & use this to be abetter person.<p>Thank God for this forum. It helps me keep my sanity.