I found out my wife cheated last monday 2/18/02. I of course was very hurt, devistated, etc... I think I want to work it out, however, I have to be selfish and think about what is good for me first.<p>My wife even slept with the guy on my birthday!!She said it was a one-time thing but who know, or really who cares.<p>What should I do???

First of all TALK to her and really LISTEN to what she has to say.
That's the lesson I've learned.
Good Luck

I am a wife that cheated/is cheating (having an affair) there is a lot more to it than you may realize.<p>If you want, I'll get into it with you. I don't want to add salt to your wounds however I can certainly give you my reasonings which may help you in the long term.<p>let me know

Princess Amir, please follow-up! I am definately interested to talk to ya.<p>Thanks for your help.

First off, I'm so sorry that you are here. But now that this has affected your life, this discussion board is very educational and supportive. The shock of this is fresh for you and I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this.<p>Read all the articles in this website and take advantage of many very helpful books out there ("Torn Asunder", "Surviving and Affair", etc.). I think one of the best ways to even begin to gain some strength is by educating yourself.<p>Know this, no one deserves to be betrayed. It is gut wrenching pain that many BS's on this site will be willing to attest to. There are many dimensions to why A's occur and it is so very painful for both the BS & WS as each piece to the puzzel unfolds.<p>Counseling is also very helpful. You may not be ready for this yet, but here is another tool to get you through this. My H & I have been in IC and will be starting MC next week.<p>Is she still in contact with the OM? If so, definitely read Plan A along with the other Harley material. <p>This is the roughest road you will probably ever ride in your life. It is heartbreaking and can take time. This is not an overnight fix and the strength to get through it is extremely difficult. Welcome to the site. Reach out whenever you need a helping hand.

Hey Snoop,
I'm sorry (if I may offend Princess), but I just don't see how getting advice from another wayward spouse is going to necessarily assist you in YOUR recovery, which is your primary focus, right? In any case, whom you choose to listen to is entirely up to you.<p>In time, perhaps your own wayward spouse would be willing to communicate with you regarding her own reasons for why she chose to hurt you so personally and deeply, but for now, how about reading this article by Dr. Harley??<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dr.Harley on Handling Wayward Spouses
<strong>I hope by reading these letters, you can see the emotional turmoil that infidelity inflicts on the remaining spouse. It is without a doubt the most painful form of abuse that one spouse can inflict on another. Many have told me that they would rather have been permanently crippled than to have experienced the unfaithfulness of their spouse. And yet, if love is to be restored to the marriage, the response to this suffering must be kindness, patience and understanding. It goes against all of our instincts to respond this way, but in most cases, it works. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>What to Do With an Unfaithful Wife<p>Why not focus on being a better you (Plan A). Why not focus on figuring out what your own wife considers to be love busters on your part? (Angry outbursts? Disrespectful judgments? Dishonesty? Annoying behaviors?) Then try to minimize those and maximize filling her top 5 emotional needs, if she will share them with you and/or allow you to. If not, then try to get her to fill out the questionnaires so you can figure them out. Either way, her A must end in order for your marriage to recover. If she refuses to end the A, at least you will know that you are giving it your best shot by educating yourself. Good luck to you!<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

You can listen to what I have to say (or read what I have to say)because I know when I started the affair all I wanted to read or hear about were other people in my or my husbands situation. Just to feel "normal" I suppose. Though my husband does not know, nor do I ever plan to let him know, I think that the reason for that is because I truly love him and was merely acting (am acting) like a spoiled little girl.<p>We (my husband and I) have been together for 11 years. We met in college, blind date for my sorority, everything was great, for a very long time. We got married 6 years after meeting each other and have now been married 5.5 years. We have a 2 year old precious little girl and a house, vacations blah blah blah. Everything was seemingly going well until I ran into an old boyfriend from when I was in graduate school. The first time I saw him we met for lunch and things were very platonic then I could not stop thinking of him. After 9/11 I called him and we wound up getting together and that is when it happened. My husband though I wonderful man, was "missing" that exotic, romantic thing. Though he had it years ago (11 years is a long time) I really missed being "seduced" I guess. This other man is a ladies man, he is a total seductress. He wines and dines me, compliments me, adores my mere presence and the way my mind works etc. etc. etc. I was totally smitten by this man. I was "in love" ( I am coming off of my cloud at this point, am seeing my husband more for who he is and the other man for who is really is). At any rate, this has been going on for about 6 months. I tell my husband I am going out to dinner/movies etc. with friends and always carry my cell phone in case he needs me. My cell phone is ALWAYS with me. My husband never seemed to even care where I was going and never really asked me any details of the evening when I returned. It was like I was invisible to him. I would leave and return with this mans "aura" or whatever all over my body and my husband wouldn't even glance at me when I came into the room. I felt miserable at home and glorified by this other man. <p>Just recently in the last couple of weeks I began to notice that my other man has become critical of certain clothes I wear, the way I wear my hair, my shoes etc. etc. Each time I was with him I wound up feeling bad about myself on the drive home and then really noticed that my husband was the one who was home with our daughter, having tea parties with her, giving her baths and leaving the porch light on for me. He was the one that always wanted sex with me regardless of what I was wearing or how I looked. He is the one who always sees me as gorgeous and though not a man of very many words, the words that he does speak are meaningful, not like the other man who is like listening to a play book of how to seduce a woman. It has started to seem ingenuine to me and my husband has started to become more genuine. Sure my husbnad has lots of faults, as do I, however they are faults that I used to think were cute and for some reason after I had the baby, became irritants. Something happened to me when I had a baby and turned 30 which is not my husband fault, I just changed and the affair was me taking it out on him.....my dissatisfaction with the way things were.<p>The affair is/was exhilerating. It was the most exciting thing in my life. I am a fabulous mother and seemingly so, fabulous wife. We have a great house, nice friends and a pretty decent life. I guess I thought my husband would change with me and he didn't. He is slightly immature and lacks motivation however he is overall a great guy, a handsome guy and a great father. He is also a great lover, I was just glossed over by the "moves" this other man made which were clearly the result of a lot of practice on many other women. I was/am a mere number to this guy which is why we broke up years ago (when in grad school).<p>There are a lot more details but overall, I do love my spouse which is why this affair is now dwindling to where it belongs, in the garbage. If your wife really loves you, she will come around. If not, you are better off. I know that if I did not come around and wound up leaving my husband, he would be better off as he deserves more than what I was giving him. I am glad to have seen the light. If she truly loves you, things will work out for the best.<p>If you'd like more info, I would be happy to share. Beware of some of the self righteous folks here, I think they have been beaten down one too many times to stop and really look at the big picture rather than their own wounded egos. Remember, it takes two to make a marriage. Something was missing between the two of you to make her stray. THink long and hard as to what you think that may be. Perhaps it was her and things she missed out on or perhaps it was you who pushed her to seek comfort/sex/love from another person. <p>For me, I think I became too vain and missed being told I was sexy and beautiful, which the other man says all of the time. Then I stopped and listened to my husband who says those things to me everyday, not in so many words but enough to make me know I am the only thing that matters in his life and I am thankful that I #1 didn't tell him and #2 have him after I came to my senses. It was pretty hard (is hard) to maintain two relationships. It is no picnic. I think a one nighter is the easiest thing to forgive and forget about. It is the longer term affair that gets sticky.<p>Take it easy and write, if you want I will give you my e-mail. <p>You have come to the right place for positive and negative advise. Learn to weed through it.