From Orchid:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The acceptance I am referring to is a stage when the mind and the heart together come to an understanding not to fight or try to change the inevitable. <p> <hr></blockquote><p>How does one know when the outcome is inevitable? I understand acceptance of the current reality (for example, WS is still seeing OM.)and realizing that there is nothing to be done - therefore you accept it. And I think I understand that if the outcome is not obvious, it is not yet inevitable. So you keep trying. Right?? <p>Is it that each person has to reach his/her own realization? For example, my DIL's affair began a year ago this month. (She still contends that they can be "friends" - HS sweetheart.) Friends and family have said for months that it is obvious that it is inevitable that the M will fail and that son should count his losses, put her out of his life, and build a new life without the frustration. He doesn't see it that way. So, does he just have to keep going until the time it is obvious to HIM that it is inevitable that they can't save their M?<p>Orchid, thanks for the thoughtful threads you have started.
Estes

Hi, <p>Sad dad voiced a lot of my sentiments. The acceptance is within the BS' mind and heart. <p>Regardless of there the WS is at, the BS can accept the current circumstance (not condone it) and move forward. That movement will cause change. <p>Estes, I hope your son will reach that soon. If he continues to stay in the relationship as is, he will destroy himself. It is a demeaning position. But he probably feels for now he must give it a try. When he reaches the acceptance stage, he will no longer need to try. If your DIL makes an effort it will require more work on her part to win back your son. Not visa versa. <p>That is my point........the WS' return should not be easier but harder. My H went out there over 4 times. The lastest was quite recent but I did not fall apart. Nope, the requirements for his return got higher. We are able to clearly discuss them so the room for misunderstanding is less. Way less. <p>My dear Faith-n-hope,<p>You are getting there. The journey is hard and wrought with pain. But life does move forward, with or without us. Think of how hard it was for Lot to leave his W. According to the Biblical account, she turned into a pillar of salt. Whether one believes that account or not, some of our spouses have acted the same. Cold as stone and untouchable. What do we do? For the preservation of the family we move forward. <p>It takes time to come to that understanding but it will come. No one has the right to treat you as a doormat. Not even yourself. Plan A does not advocate that but many implement it as such. <p>The other side of the coin is that we can not rush the WS and ourselves. So I put this out there to give hope and help many in current stage of feeling despair to know that this is a temporary set back and is recoverable. Our outlook may need to be adjusted some but it is recoverable. <p>Take Care,
L.

Thank you for your words. They mean alot. I feel that my husband will come home AGAIN...but like you, I am going to very clearly express what is needed for him to come home and our marriage to work. I still have doubts, but there will be boundaries set BEFORE he steps foot in this house. If they are crossed he will know the conseqences and will pay them. I cannot let him come back home only with the intent of leaving again. D is already angry, confused and isn't able to express others. THAT is unaceptable. He has yet to call her...there should be con. for that but what?
Sorry for rambling on your thread Orchid.

I may have gotten to the point of acceptance, but I REALLY want to call him. He wouldn't answer...but I do. Somebody stop me, my heart says do it, but my nice rational mind say no!!! it will push him further. GRRRRRR...acceptance with frustration maybe...I may not be able to control him, I accept that, but I may not be able to control myself...I just can't accept that. LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Faith-n-hope,<p>You are not rambling. If this helps in any way, then it is worth all the time and effort. <p>For you right now, instead of giving in, post vent and help here. Focus on your daughter. Divert your attention away from your H until you can feel it pass. That's a plan B way. <p>Take Care,
L.

This thread is truly an omen! I would like to add my story of acceptance. I have been and felt as all of you have for far too long. Much longer than was healthy but my marriage was a long one and my H played me for more than two years. Yesterday I had a court date for my divorce. Although it's not over yet it is now very close. My biggest fear and heartbreak was that he would never come back and that divorce would become a reality but I had no choice but to do this because he has never given her up since I found out 3 years ago and he has never had any remorse at all. Even with this I would still hope and pray that he would "come out of it". Well, yesterday when the attorneys met for a pretrial he finally got the message that he will not always get his way. He walked by me with an ugly look on his face and said "I hope you're happy now!" He is still mad at me! And although I have known that his "sickness", "fog" or whatever is causing this, I realized how much better off I am. I have survived - I have thrived - and I am finally excited about the prospect of my future. I honestly have to agree with some of the posts here that I too would never have become or maybe that's not the right word - I never would have believed myself to be the woman that I know I am and that everyone else has seen. I guess it is this person that my H saw and became afraid of and bullied me down - but I let him!! Because I loved him? (but not myself) I will never let him or anyone else make me feel less of a person anymore. And as for the OW who has him - she now has a very angry man to deal with - he has so much anger to deal with and I think he now knows that he can no longer affect me with it. I know you don't know me or my story because I have mostly read all of your threads and have not posted much - but please believe me when I tell you that you have all helped me get there - and I really never thought I would - I wanted to share my feelings of pride with you and hope that someone out there who thinks that their situation is different and that their H or W is different - I want you to know that you aren't, they aren't, it isn't - we are all the same - people are people are people - and you can take this pain and let it bury you or you can rise above it and become the person you were meant to be!! Good luck to you all - I have a feeling that I will visit this site from time to time but I need to move on now - I hope that I gave hope to at least one person out there - because I really believe that all of this is meant for a reason! GOD BLESS! carebear