For all the BS out there whose WS is living with the OP, would you take them back now or are you done?<p>I would like to say I am done but if my STBX wanted to come back (it will be cold day in july here in TX before that would happen)<p>I have to think very hard but because of our 10 yr old son if the STBX met certain conditions I be willing to try<p>So what would the rest of you?

Wow, thats a tough one, I am still very vulnerable at this point. I know taking him back would not be the right thing right now, but if he got some pyschogocial help I might consider a trial reconciliation. But my STBX needs much help.<p> Sally

Yes I would take him back, if he's willing and demonstrates the necessary steps. (no contact, complete honesty/openness, lots of counseling) I feel like I will be open to reconciliation until I am remarried. But the more time that goes by, will require more action on his part to get his foot in the door.

This is something I really battle with. He's been with the OW for 6 months now. My human side says 'no, I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than have to live with someone who betrayed me like this'. My Christian self wonders if God would expect me to try reconcilliation, should my WH offer. I want to please God, so I really need the answer to what God would want of me. I believe that I cannot remarry until my husband is dead, regardless of what he does - so when I say I'd rather be alone, that really does mean alone.<p>Having read so much on this site of what reconcilliation involves, the years of hard work and anguish, I just feel I cannot do it. It seems easier for me to just go on alone and grieve over my loss, than to have to be faced daily with a man who crushed me so completely.<p>There is no way that my husband could regain my trust, because until his affair he already was totally trustworthy. There is nothing beyond that behaviour he used to have that could bring back trust. He started his affair almost overnight, he literally was his wonderful self one day, evil alien the next. I can't see how he could do or say anything to prevent that happening again.<p>Sorry to sound so negative, I've been through so much agony already, how can I possibly take more years of it if he wants to reconcile?<p>Evensong<p>[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: Evensong ]</p>

i would tell him to go to h--l

I have struggled with this one a lot lately. last week H asked to come back, but it was for all the wrong reasons. He missed the kids, was miserable, etc., etc. (plus I told him that morning that I had filed for divorce). He never once said he loved me or missed me. He is still living next door with OW and he expects me to just say OK honey come on home. Well, too much has happened, too many lies, too little remorse. I would rather kive by myself and with my kids than to live with someone I have no respect for and would never be able to fully trust again.

My initial raction is no...not this time. I would have to consider what he has done not only to me, but to my kids.<p>He would really have to change alot...and admit his mistakes and work on fixing them.<p>I will no longer take the blame for his extra marital experiences....I did before...but not this time.

I hope to take him back someday.....after we've been through counseling, he's sent the no contact letter, and apologised to me and his family.<p>Is that going to happen.....it does when I close my eyes and go to sleep at night......but then morning comes and the light of day!!!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Well my H left me last spring to live with OW for a few months and then I did let him move back home. Now its a year later and I sometimes question whether I did the right thing. His emotional withdrawal phase from OW was horrific to live thru and then we went to counseling for 6 mo but I felt the counselor we were seeing didnt do enough to deal with the underlying marital issues that led up to the A- instead it was more like damage control as I was in a huge anger phase for months after H moved back home. ( all that repressed anger from Plan A came back to haunt me!)H did come to take responsibility and express regret for what he did but that doesnt replace 15 yrs of trusting him. I look at him and wonder how I can ever trust him again- a man who dropped me and our 3 kids off from church each wk and then went over to single OW's condo to fool around with her ( he said he was going to the gym). We are now switching to a Christian psychologist who told me that my main issue is not setting firm boundaries of behavior with H right from the beginning of our marriage 15 yrs ago. H is going to see her alone next. Because he was not willing to work on his 'stuff' with our last counselor I have made it clear to him that he had better participate fully this time or I intend to separate from him. That is finally getting his attention.I am tired of doing all the fixing and the emotional work in our relationship. I am learning slowly not to be the needy desperate wife I had been when he first confessed his A and learn to think about my own needs now.It's a slow process. lifeismessy

I couldn't even let her go with him and wish her well, and I wonder about people who can. I know love is powerful, but shouldn't people stop the cycle somewhere and better their own lives? Should we not protect ourselves from people who hurt us?<p>FROM ANOTHER POST:
Would I let her go and wish her well with him? HELL NO!!! I love my wife because she loves me, because she is there for me as I am for her. I love her in a symbiotic way, in a manner condusive to us growing together and from each other. If she wanted to leave me for him she is not worth my love and in my book not deserving of the respect I would give anyone else on the street. Call it a defence mechanism I have developed. She will have rewritten the equation that made us and thus there would be a different answer. That is the difference between me and this belief of turning the other cheek. <p>I cannot ascribe to the notion that letting go as friends and wishing WS well as a person whom wronged you so badly is any benefit to anything or anyone. It enables WS destructive behaviour to continue - hurting themselves and those they touch. It keeps your own pain close to you as you pine away at old pictures, momentos - wonderring, wishing. The end result of you expressing love to someone whom doesn't love you back is a pointless time consuming and silly exersize. I am sorry for being so blunt but in some cases I have read about on this site, I wish they would come to this conclusion as well for their own benefit. I have red posts that are obviously door mat cases, and feel so horrible for these women and men.