Well after 3 weeks supposedly in recovery, I find out he has been e-mailing her and talking to her. Things had been going so good, I should have knwn it wasnt'real. pardon my typing, ijust had abottle of wine. anyway all the plan ?A stuff didn't work and I want to throw him out. Tonight the OW (an 18 year old girl) told himshe found someone else. So he got tore up and has now passed out in the bed. POOOr baby. So, is it time for Plan b? I really can't stand to be around t he lying sack of you know. please help me.

You'll be fine. Remember.. you're wanting to act on your emotions right now. That isn't the best way to go. You need to take a few days to think about things.<p>It's GREAT that the OW has dumped your H!! This could be the 'natural A death' we all hope for! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And if it makes you feel any better, my H and OW#1 stayed in contact for 3 weeks into our recovery too. I acted on my emotions that night (kind of), and as calmly as I could (I really surprised myself - I did great!), I asked him to leave until he could prove to me that he would no longer have ANY CONTACT WHATSOEVER with her. Something in my tone and composure made H realize that I meant it. <p>3 weeks later, he was pretty much past his withdrawal.<p>I'll be on for another hour or so, so if you need to talk, I'll keep checking in on your post.<p>Karen<p>[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</p>

#1... DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS IN EMOTION (or under the influence).<p>#2... How long have you been in plan A? How effective have you been in plan A? The timeline for plan A varies, but 6 months is a good benchmark...<p>Many of us discover continued contact after d-day... perhaps this will be the BIG shock to him to make him 'see the light?' and, yes, depression and withdrawal on his part will be a big part of it... have you read "Surviving an Affair?" Harley discusses how to cope and what to look for...<p>Only you know what you can live with... but my suggestion is to THINK it out very carefully when you are calm and can have some distance... (also w/ no alcohol)...<p>Hugs,
Cali

Could you let me know a little more about the details of the A, I dont remember anything about your situation. Plan B time? Doesnt sound like its time yet. <p>Having the OW dump H is a good thing, it means that the A is starting to show signs of stress, its not able to live in the 'real world'.<p>Please be careful, dont do anything you will regret later on. Things are going to start changing soon.

No, I don't think it's time to Plan B. That's very good news that OW dumped him. Be prepared for withdrawal symptoms. Your H might be a bear for a while. Try to give him time to get through it, or you'll push him right out the door. hang tough for a bit, k? Don't make any decisions right now... emotions are high, and reasoning abilities are low. Vent here tonite, and tomorrow things will look different.

amh,<p>I know it hurts you to see H in this condition b/c of OW ... however, it is normal reaction when the fantasy buble poped ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Just hold it a little while, H will be fine. No LB !!!.<p>[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Well my take may be a bit different. I have lived through several soap opera episodes of who dumped who. <p>When OW claimed to have dumped him, so did I. When WS claimed to have dumped OW, so did I. Then I threw him out. Not after the first time but after this got to be a routine. <p>In our case, what we needed was time apart. Oh yea, he wanted to come home because basically he didn't have a place to stay. Hm....... oh yea except OWs place but she was starting to make demands and her promises were starting to whither. <p>If you feel you need time apart for reasons like, you really don't feel like he is ready to come back, you wre the 2nd choice, etc. You may need to keep separate for a while. Maybe he can go stay with a relative. Learn what it is like not to have anyone. <p>Of course you need to make that kind of decision with a rational clear mind. Knowing it could go either way. <p>Wait until your emotions settle down a bit. See what phase your H is in, talk with Steve or Jennifer or your counselor and then decide. <p>JMHO,
L.

i dont know how to wait. It hurts too much. Why does he get to get away with all this **** and I am the one that has to be nice and "plan A" Damit it hurts. i don't even want to see him in the morning. I snooped in his car while he was out and found another love letter and pictures. Fo those who don't know, he had an affair with an 18 year old living in our house. No relation except that I love her and consdered her a daughter. Damn him, why does he keep doing this/? Everything i though i knew the last 3 weeks has been a lie. right now , i hate him. i don't know what to do or how to do it.

Hi amh,<p>I hope you're doing okay. I know how damn hard this is, but you don't want to make any decisions about anything important while emotional or drinking, k?<p>I have a different spin on the OW dumping H for a BF. It more than likely is a really good thing, and may mean she has moved on ... THANK GOD!<p>BUT ... please be aware that mine and a few other's experience have been is the OW will try and make the MM jealous with a BF or another MM. I've seen this a few times, I thinks it's in the OW hand book or something. <GAG!><p>And unfortuntely is works some of the time. Just stay alert about that possibility, okay?<p>As far as what Plan to be in ... how long has your Plan A been? Has your H noticed the Plan A changes in you? Are you starting to truly lose love for your H? What plan you're in hinges on how your answer these questions.<p>Again, I'm really sorry for the continued contact. Please be okay .. we're here for you, hon.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Kick in the butt time: you snooped. you're hurting because of YOUR actions. Was it worth it? Not really. You know that all of the information is the same thing over and over again at this point. Why are you torturing yourself?<p>How do you wait? You do your best to find something else to do with your time. If that means staying on here to vent to your hearts content, then great. If it means rearranging your house to let out some energy, then great. Whatever you can find to do to pass the time - do it. <p>I remember your story now. It is time for your H to fall, and fall hard at that. If it's not here now, it's coming REALLY soon. <p>YOU are the one with the choices here. You can choose to LB your way to divorce court, or you can choose to support him when he needs you to continue to stay strong. YOUR choice. Any emotional move you make now will predetermine, or at least undermine, what will happen in the near future.<p>Karen

amh,<p>You snoop to monitor your plan A and also to get ahead on any turn and twist in this mess. Do you see the date ? is it after you know if OW found another BF ?. If it does then OW is not sincere, you need to calm down and regroup here. Don't do anything tonight, get a few sips of wine and then go to sleep. If it is old news ... well, you forgive him in his A ... those are included. Focus on your plan A, by the grace of God and your love for H you will bring him back.<p>Sorry I am late, just come back from church.

( | )<p>Bending over so Topie (Karen) can kick me in the butt too. (hey I need it too, but I'm taking the fifth) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>AMH,<p>hang in there girl...so what kind of wine was it? The whole bottle? Yikes. Hey, listen to Orchid... on the breakin up thing cause its hard for them to do... or accept.

Okay, so what do i do??? He asked me this morning if I wanted him to leave. I told him I don't know because I don't. I thought I wanted him to but the kids heard him saying something to that effect and started crying. He is so deep in his little pity party right now, i just don't know what to say to him. I thought plan a was working. He noticed how much better I was looking and how much happier I was. So what do I tell him? If I am not allowed to bring any of this up, what do I say??? He knows I know about it. How many more chances do I give him before I give it up??? And yes, the OW has really dumped him, she is not playing games with him to make him jealous. I have talked to her and her boyfriend and she is very happy now. I feel like such a door mat if I just sit here and let him feel sorry for himself. I just want to yell at him "yeah, it hurts doesnt' it?????" I have read all the books. I know what i am "supposed to do", but I don't know How to do it. If it was not for the kids, I don't think I would. He has been dishonest with me so much and I hate that. How do you live with someone you have no respect for or trust? I want to do what is best, I just don't know what that is.

amh,<p>Could you answer my question on the date on that mail ?. [edited]You might not want to trust OW words ... she betrayed you once, you have to protect yourself.<p>You know what you want ... put down the terms and tell him conseling with MB or consel of your choice is a must. Don't leave any term behind. Be strong and not LB'ed (angry).<p>You could bring R up ... but you have to make the environment safe and no anger, no demand, no judgement ... only tell H the fact. What we worry and keep saying not to bring up R b/c most of BS and WS are not ready yet. Also the intent of the "talk" usually lead to huge LB ... bring R talk at the appropriate time is a must.<p>Quick Question, did he remorse about what he did ?did he ask you what to do ?.<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Redhat, the letter was from him. He just wrote it last thursday night and hadn't mailed it yet. It talked about calling her the next day and exchanging e-mails. When you ask did he remorse, when do you mean. When I first found out he was "i am so sorry. please forgive me. I will do anything. I can't lose you". A couple weeks later when I caught him in lies again it was the same thing. And know here we go again. What he said to me this morning was "do youwant me to leave? I don't blame you if you do. I am no good to anyone. She (OW) used to tell me everything and now she didn't even have the guts to tell me herself she had another boyfriend. I am happy she is happy because I know I am no good for her. But she wont even talk to me. Do you want me to leave. I'm sure no one would miss me (OH Boo Hoo ) I'll just leave and everyone will be better off." That is the gist. He says the kids don't love him like they do me. Well that is because he neverspends any time with them. He wants it all handed to him without having to work for it. He is emotionally lazy. I have called my counselor to see if we can get in earlier than our Friday appt. I am waiting to hear.

Your H said this.....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> She (OW) used to tell me everything and now she didn't even have the guts to tell me herself she had another boyfriend <hr></blockquote><p>Now.....remember how you felt when you found out about your H's A?<p>It's not an excuse.....but a reason why he's acting like he is. He has feelings too. Even though sometimes we wonder about that.<p>Don't make any dezisions out of anger. They'll just come back and bite you in the butt and you'll regret them tomorrow.<p>Let him have his little pity party.<p>There isn't anything you can do right now to help him....you probably don't even want to at this point.<p>Take care!

amh,<p>Then it is a withdrawal, a wishfull thinking .... H feels gulity alright, but you have to let him know how to ammends you. Also you have to help H through withdrawal. Assure him of your love, kid's love and tell him that he needs to work on M. You will not settle for less than caring & loving M and follow the 4 rules of recovery. Set your boundries but push the responsibilities to H. Ask your H: "If the table turned what would you do ?, If you are in my shoes, what would you do ?" ... learn to get open question and engage H in R talk. For now, it is normal for WS to waffle ... but A is dead. Set the safe environment and "talk" with H ... watch out for LB. If you think you can't then get MB conseling for both of you.<p>Hang in there and vent in here [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .