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Joined: Mar 2002
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I just have to know..did anyone tell the WS's husband or wife about the A?My H said the OW H will kill him 'cause he is a real redneck.Or is this that what they all say? Married 23y BS45 WS46 3kids age 21,17,13<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: LindaMaryland ]</p>

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hi LindaM - here's the link to one thread where this oft question was pretty well aired out:<p>On informing OP's spouse of the affair<p>You need to be the judge of whether OW's H will bop your H. If he's really that afraid he will, I'd bet he wouldn't have got involved.<p>Are you in Maryland? I'm near Gaithersburg. There are a few other crab eaters around this forum.<p>Good luck,

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I think it depends on whether the affair has ended or not. If there is continued contact, obviously he's not that afraid of OW's husband.

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Yes I live near New Market,H was sure he would never get caught,so I don't think he ever thought about what if...As far as I know the A is over but...she still works with him.OW told H that he OW'husband used to beat her early in marriage,this made my H feel very sorry for her..

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LindaMaryland:
<strong>OW told H that he OW'husband used to beat her early in marriage,this made my H feel very sorry for her..</strong><hr></blockquote><p>How many of us have heard this same thing about the OW? Seems like a standard OW line.<p>Do you know the OW's H at all? Does your H? Or are both of you just getting the OW's version of what her H is like? If the OW is your only source of information, I would find that information suspect at best, pure fabrication at worst. I'd give the other BS the benefit of the doubt.<p>All of the BS here have been similarly villainized by our WS, and we're a pretty decent bunch of people. Some of us have even been abused and managed not to have an A with another person's spouse.

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Welcome to MB, LindaMD. I, too, live in the land of pleasant living. I reside on the outskirts of Bal-tee-more, hon...in the lower SouthEast. BTW, I'm NOT from Dundalk......just a whiff away, though....LOL!<p>To tell or not to tell...that is the question!! And a rather difficult one at that. I truly believe that informing anyone, be it the spouse of the OP, the family, etc., should be a personal choice that should be weighed with consideration. This is something that you, alone, need to decide. Can you live with not telling and or can you live with the repercussions that telling may create? All in all, you must do what feels comfortable to you. There is good and bad in either choice that you decide. Do what is right for you.<p>Again.........a mighty, hearty welcome [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

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Okay, I want to tell the OM's W about my W and her H's affair. But, the OM's W just had a cancerous tumour removed (while the affair was going on) and is in remission now. So this makes things difficult for me (otherwise, I'd tell her in an instant). She is sick and recoverying (Chemo treatments I assume.. I don't know) and I want to wait until she is better to tell her as I don't want to be the person who creates a severe emotional breakdown that could ultimately lead to her death. That, I could not live with. But... How do I know when she is healthy enough to know? They have 2 kids together, and she is living in a 'fantasy' world that he is a good husband even though I know my wife was the SECOND recent affair he's had (she got called by ow#1 and yelled at to back off).<p>This guy is scum. He slept with my W while his own wife was dying and having a cancerous tumour removed. He 'initiated' the affair in every way (he initiated the first kiss, he initiated the 'lets take it to the next step' request, he booked the hotel rooms, etc). He knew my wife was married with two small kids prior to initiating anything. He also has two small kids. He is my wife's boss and had a 'employer' responsibilty that he went against by getting involved with a MARRIED subordinate. I am so pissed at this guy that I want to destroy his life. I want to expose what a bottom feeder he really is to his wife and the people he works with (as soon as my wife finds another job.. which she is actively trying to do). Damn, I can't wait. Part of me wants to tell her cause that is what I would expect her to do for me if it was she who found out first, and the other part of me wants to tell her out of revenge and ruin this guys 'perfect' little life.

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No, I have never met the OW husband.I have been told that is is older in his 60's.My husband had PA with a woman 10 years older than him.And is ugly! I saw her one time.So it really does matter what the other women looks like..just as long as she has met some emotional need.She the OW is a grandmother who just lives with her husband,no love,or so she said..this is so hard!!!

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LindaMD,<p>IMHO someone needs to tell him. Everyone has the right to know when their lives are being torn apart. <p>So yes tell him.

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I sure wouldn't take your WS word on whether or not the OWH will kill him. Your WS's credibility is not too shiny. I think that you would be doing him a huge favor by giving him information that he has a RIGHT TO KNOW that is being wrongfully withheld from him. If folks were plotting to undermine and harm me [or had done so!] I would sure appreciate being told about it!

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I've used this analogy before on this question: If you knew someone was slowly being poisoned by their spouse, would you tell them?<p>I would even seriously consider telling the W with cancer. I've never had cancer, but I was going through terrible grief when my H decided to destroy my world. It really hurts to know now that when I needed him the most, he was stabbing me in the back. I would rather have known then what he was doing to me. It would have at least put an end to the backstabbing, and I have family who could have helped me during that time instead of depending on someone who was so mean to my face and unbelievably cruel behind my back.<p>Maybe someone who's been through both cancer and being a BS can shed a better light on it.<p>As Dr. Harley says, it isn't the truth that hurts, it's the infidelity, so the unknowing BS is still being hurt and only has the ILLUSION of fidelity.<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

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Yes please... Anyone that can offer me advice whether to tell or not would be GREATLY APPRECIATED! I know that there is a HUGE potential LB if I do as my wife still works with OM... and fears for her job (although I'm sure if I tell the other wife that my wife's job will be secure till she finds something else).

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I would like opinions too. My H wants so badly to tell the OM's W also. I have no problem with it, if it makes him feel better. He has been trying so hard to let it go, but I feel it would give him closure. We had a long conversation about it this weekend and I told him to do what he needs to do. I hope I am doing the right thing by telling him to go ahead.
1step

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This may sound harsh, but as a man, your husband knew and understood what some of the consequences could be if he messed around with a married woman. He knew and understood that one of the consequences could be having to deal with another angry man. He knew and understood this before he entered into the affair, and yet he proceeded anyway, your husband is a big boy who understood the ramifications. I say tell the OW's husband, he deserves to know.

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I was afraid of telling OW H too. Afraid of him coming after my H. So I never did.<p>But, he called me, and I was gratefull. <p>I had threatened my H that I would call OW H. He became very afraid, and told OW to watch out. So, she told her H that I was a very angry deceitful manipulative perseon, and not to believe anything I say. And my H told me if I called him he would come after my H.<p>IF you love me you wont call him, my H said.<p>Turns out, her H gave me more info than I knew. He told me what she said about me, and commented that I was nothing of the sorts. He is a psychiatrist as well. He never came after my H.<p>So, tell him. Your H is manipoulating you by saying OWH will come after him.<p>Did he think of that before the affair?<p>Dara

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I still have not told OW's Husband.When it feels right and I am sure, I will. I am afraid to "play God" with this persons life. But thank you so much for all the support!


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