What do you do when it turns out the OW is somewhat psychotic? My husband has just ended it with his OW, but she persists in pursuing him. She called him 3 times yesterday. His stuff is still over at her place and so he's afraid she's going to destroy it. He's also afraid if I go over with him to pick it up, she'll throw a brick through the windshield. He stated this morning she's "emotionally unstable". She wants him to come over and get her stuff so she can talk to him because they need to talk about "emotions". She's told him it'll never work with me, and she'll wait as long as it takes because he's the only man for her. <p>How do I deal with this? I actually don't feel too threatened -- in fact, she should probably read Divorce Busting since, as we all know, her begging, pleading, clinging, needy actions will only serve to drive him further away. (It wasn't until I let go and accepted the loss of my husband and stopped that behavior that he decided to return). I also don't feel threatened because I don't think my husband really wants her. He has a problem, he's always looking for something that's "missing" in his life, so he looks to other women and never finds it there -- he now acknowledges this and has agreed to enter counseling (something he was adamently against previously) he has also taken full responsibility for his actions and affairs (instead of somehow trying to turn it around and blame me). <p>Anyway, I know others here have been through this. How do I deal with the OWs pursuit?

Two words: Restraining Order

Hi Dedex1,<p>I think you summed it up when you said you don't feel threatened. Do nothing. Let them LB - what could be better for you. Let him know that you trust him to sort it out and give them time while you play it cool and get on as if the A was the end of your M. My guess is he'll be hating her in no time and your goal of no contact between them will be his as well. Then you should consider the restraining order, if necessary.<p>Another success?

contact the police and request they accompany you because you fear a disturbance, pick up your stuff and leave.

Been there done that. He need to have the police accompany him to get his stuff. My H's exOW did some pretty bizarre things after he broke it off. It went on for almost 3 months. My last contact with her was when I informed her that the next time she'd be dealing with the authorities. I'm not sure if that scared her off or if she coincidentlaly found antheer guy to obsess on at the same time, but that was the last we heard of her. We also had to change our phone number.

My WH OW called me 3 times to coerce and manipulate me and H into not telling her H about her sexual affair. (This being her 2nd one in their marriage). I wish I had called the police and told them this lady is threatening me. She wouldn't agree to times to call, didn't care I was working when she called. She is a psycho.

Let OW keep all his stuff and have WS chalk it up as a consequence to his actions.

I agree with Paul. I'd just go about my business and tell H that when he's done with that R, let me know. I would not connect while their drama is still going on. And how he decided to handle it would tell me an awful lot about where he's at in regard to the M.<p>There are so many acceptable ways for him to deal with this that have been mentioned here. Can't remember whether this one was mentioned, but he could write the no-contact letter enclosing the money for packing and shipping his things to him. There are also courier services that will pick up and deliver.<p>It is this lack of creative brainstorming that seems to be a hallmark of WS fog. If it's this difficult to make a choice FOR his M, he's not ready for recovery IMO. If any of that stuff is worth more than your M, he is not where he needs to be to contribute to recovery.<p>When I was ready to leave my previous M, I was done and no STUFF was worth the trouble of interacting with a person I didn't want in my life. And in that case I didn't even have another R that contact with him would be toxic to. When they're repeatedly willing to risk the M for contact with the OP in any form, then you know how little they value the M.<p>Oh yeah, and whose emotions SHOULD he be concerned about?<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

I think you've got this situation sized up fairly well, Dedex. What is it each person wants out of it? Let's summarize.<p>What your H wants is his property back. He also wants it back intact. In addition, he wants to retrieve it with a minimum of hassle. He doesn't want to hurt his XOW, but neither does he want her whining and clinging on the one hand, or raging at him on the other, and possibly wrecking his prized possessions into the bargain. He doesn't want to deal with her emotional stuff any more than he has to. He just wants to avoid all that and do a nice clean extraction operation. Along with that, he may feel better being able to handle that by himself, man-fashion. There's also a time factor. The longer he leaves his property there, the greater the risk that XOW will have a hissy fit all on her own and start junking it. So the operation is better done quickly.<p>What you want is to get him detached from her entirely, property and all, leaving no loose ends on his part. And the sooner the better. You also want to stay in his good books, plan A style. If XOW can be in his bad books, that's a bonus, but it isn't essential. And you want to avoid the risk that if he does the extraction operation by himself, XOW may get her claws into him again; but I can't tell whether or not that's a significant risk.<p>You may also feel like venting at XOW, both for the sake of unloading your own feelings, and also trying to intimidate or guilt her into staying away from your H. But the chances are that won't work on her, and will only cause you more trouble than it's worth. And how much is it really worth to satisfy curiosity about her?<p>And XOW? She just wants him back, though luckily she seems to be going the wrong way about it as you said. And if not, she wants to unload a bunch of her own emotions, which she might do by wrecking his property if he's not there. Watch out for people who say, as she did, that "they 'need' to talk about 'emotions.'" Some people talk this way, as if another person's need is the same as their own, when it isn't. She's the one who wants to talk to him about 'emotions'--her emotions. I'll bet he doesn't want to talk to her about her emotions in the least! Quite the opposite! I'd say he just wants to grab his stuff and get out of there. That might be why he avoided taking his guitar. Perhaps he didn't want to take one item that might trigger a rage, leaving other items behind to bear the brunt of that rage. Best to rescue it all in one fell swoop.<p>So what are the options? I'd rule out any option that didn't include him going to her place in person. If I were in his position I wouldn't trust anyone else to do the job for me, to know what property I'd left there and where it was and make sure I'd got everything of importance. You don't want him to blame you for getting in the way of this goal. If there is any damage or loss, you want him to blame that entirely on XOW, not on your intervention. On the whole it's best if he can get out cleanly, while continuing to see XOW as a "threat" to be avoided like the plague.<p>If he goes to get it on his own, that is a good option. The only risk is that XOW might sweet-talk him into something. I can't be sure how big this risk is. So if he does that, you might give him a pep talk to remind him how ruthless some women can be. If this is her "last chance," she might try to lure him into sex and get herself pregnant just to keep him in her clutches. Tell him to keep his pants zippered at all costs and stay out of her web.<p>If you go with him, that hazard is ruled out, but then your presence risks triggering more anger on her part, and possible property damage as well--his or yours (vehicle for instance). You don't want to get into trouble. Even if it only ends up with XOW being carted off to the precinct station as some maniac on the rampage, then he might start "feeling sorry for her." All entanglements are best avoided. If there is any trouble, you don't want him to blame you for contributing to it by insisting on being there against his wishes. If she's going to rage, let her do it all on her own and take the entire blame for creating any bad memories in his mind, while you stay aloof from it all and keep your image untarnished. If you do go anyway, you might sling a camera casually around your neck as a silent deterrent to any crazy behavior.<p>Take the police with him instead? It's a possibility, but it sounds like overkill to me. Then he ends up feeling "inadequate" to handle his own business (and blames you if you pushed it on him), and perhaps guilty toward XOW that he used this sledgehammer on her to crack a nut.<p>But if he does have a male friend who could go with him, preferably on some excuse ("I needed Jack's truck to pile all my stuff in," if that one will fly), that could be an ideal solution. It doesn't matter if it's a thin excuse. Another man is a neutral person, not a female "rival" who might provoke jealousy. The friend is also waiting out there because he's "got to go somewhere afterwards," so "I'm sorry we don't have time to talk much" (let alone get lured into sex). It's worth suggesting to your H. Good luck with the operation!<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: Eddystone ]</p>

Thanks for all your advice.<p>After all the hoopla, the solution turned out to be rather simple. Last night she worked late and so we went over then. I'm not sure why he didn't see this immediately -- I had told him yesterday morning that we just needed to go over and get the stuff that night and he said that wouldn't work since he thought that was her late night. So I just said -- there's your answer, we'll go tonight while she's working. So we did.<p>He was horribly worked up on the ride over -- very nervous and upset. I have to say I'm very proud of myself, and supported him in his anxiety even though I was just as anxious and seeing the place he'd been living with another woman just about killed me. I did not go in and he ran in and out gathering his stuff -- it took less than 20 minutes. He left the stereo, which bothers me a little since it was a gift from me, but I want a new stereo anyway and we had decided it didn't matter if we got that back. Still, I had told him if she wasn't there to get everything. He also forgot a couple of beer steins which have sentimental value, but he accepts the loss of them. Although I suggested if there's someone at work who knows her, perhaps they would be willing to extract the steins for him.<p>So that problem is solved. We'll see if she ignores the no contact letter and tries to call him.

I'm glad that worked out fairly well for you. Yes, I would a bit upset about that stereo. I wonder what happened. Did he run out of time? Misunderstand the priorities when you said "let's get a new one anyway"? Well, let's see how things go from here...

Regarding the stereo -- I don't know why he left it, and I keep telling myself I need to stop analyzing what I think he feels, because I don't know, but I do it anyway! It could be since I want a new stereo anyway (although I had told him we could use this one in our room and he even went on and on about how he could hook it up to his PA system), he didn't feel it was worth it. I know the whole "getting the stuff" was rather frantic on his part -- he was worried that she would show up and I think maybe he thought she would hurt me (he gave me the keys and locked the truck door when he got out. I asked him why and he said "in case she shows up".) He had also made a comment when we were discussing the stereo and if we had to leave it, we would, which was a bit strange -- he said "it's almost like giving her a consolation prize". Probably he just didn't want to take the time to unhook everything and cart it out to the truck, like I said he was anxious to get out of there and was actually acting giddy when we did leave.<p>I'm glad it's over, but I find now that this crisis has passed, I'm starting to feel depressed again.