I'm not sure where to post my questions/concerns in order to get some
feedback from other members in a similar situation. I'm the BS and
we're not in recovery, not divorcing, I didn't just find out, but I
guess I'm in plan A. It seems that more members use other discussion
topics than Plan A/Plan B to post their questions and I want some
feedback. I have posted a couple of questions but with little response.
I notice some threads have several hundred replies so what are they
doing that's different?<p>Here is my situation, please advise me on where to post something...<p>We were married 7/92 after 21 months of dating, she was 21 and I was 24.
She was the one for me and her family is great. We met in college but
then I took a full time job in another town and she moved with me. We
moved back to home town 8 months later and decided to get married. We
got pregnant a year later and life got busy. She worked part time at a
preschool run by her mom and went to college part time. I drove a
truck in town full time and went to school full time. Now life
was really busy! We finished school two years later and I desperately
tried to get a career started. We bought a house and got pregnant with
second child in fall of 96. I also started a lawn business with her
brother for some extra income since she didn't work in the summer. A
year later (Fall 1997) I got a new job and my career started. I was in sales in a satelite office away from corporate headquarters, but I
only used it for getting into the company and hoped I could move up.<p>This went on for three years until we got a new boss who encouraged me
to spend time with upper management so that they could get to know me.
We also decided to build a new house in a great neighborhood for our
kids. By this time (summer 2000) I was really ready to move out of my
job into the corporate offices. So I spent alot of time over the next
year with upper management as well as my biggest customers in order to
show the company what a good employee I was. Life seemed to be going
great and my wife was so proud of her new house and neighborhood.<p>Then when school started back up fall 2001, things started to change. I finally
got the job I was wanting and I didn't have to entertain customers
anymore. I thought things would finally settle down in our life. She
didn't say anything but you could tell something was different. After
two months, she finally said that something was missing in her life and
she needed to find it. We gradually started drifting apart emotionally
by her spending alot of time with her girlfriend and I was spending a
lot of time with my new boss. Then come to find out in December 2001,
she had been having an affair with my new boss since 9/11. She later
told me that 9/11 was the point where she finally told herself that she
needed to do something about her life. She didn't talk to me about it
but found my boss instead.<p>Well now it's been three months since discovery and they are still
communicating. She doesn't sleep at home anymore but comes back in the
morning to help get the kids ready for school so I can go to work. She
says that we drifted apart over the past 9 years and she's not ready to
come back to that marriage. I have completely turned my priorities
around and realized in November that I wasn't putting my family first
but rather my career. She never said anything to me that she was
unhappy, she even encouraged me to go after the better job. So I am
focused on my family, doing household chores, and trying to get the
opportunity to demonstrate to my wife that our future will be different
from our past. She says she isn't ready to come back because she is
still sorting everything out in her head and wants to make sure she
doesn't go through this again. I am encouraging her to end her
relationship with my married boss so that she can think about her own
life without that clouding her judgement. She fits the classic profile
outlined in MB's site on being addicted to the affair and blocking out what is real.<p>She is seeing a counselor and on anti-depressant medication but I don't
know if the counselor is concentrating on her real problems or just what she
tells him. She doesn't think marriage counseling with both of us
together will do any good. We are at different places in our
relationship, she says. I understand exactly what she is going through
because I have reads several books and most of MB website. She hasn't
read anything and insists on sorting out this on her own. I want to
work on our marriage together but can't get her to end her relationship
with my boss and his wife is in denial so she won't tell him to stop calling her. He tells me he will stop but hasn't yet and his wife is in denial too. She doesn't know who to believe and I think she is afraid of raising their two kids alone so she just puts up with his behavior. This is not the first affair for him, he's a pro at this.<p>I'm in a state of limbo...I can't pressure her because then she'll
retreat. If I don't say anything then she's dragging this out longer.
We have our house for sale because it just doesn't feel like home
anymore and she is basically unaffected by the reality of her actions. She threatens me with filing for divorce but hasn't done it yet. I don't want a divorce and I know once her affair is truly over she will see the damage she has caused.
Even our boys comments about our seperation and the "house for sale" sign don't
seem to break her out of her "fog."<p>Please help direct me on what to do. I want my wife back, I miss her
very much and want to move forward with our family.<p>Thank you, MT in AK

I just wanted to post and say that I am glad you found this place but sorry you had to. I am on my in to work so cant post much right now. I am sure there are others here with more expereince that can help I will be back this evening and will post then. <p>I just wanted to let you know that someone was here and you are not alone.<p>Music

Have you talked to either Jennifer or Steve? If not call & make an appointment today. They can help you make a plan.<p>I don't know how you do this at home & have to see the OM at work, you are a special person to be able to do that. Is there any hope of you changing jobs or anything?<p>Good luck and just because you don't get many responces doesn't mean any thing. <p>Read everything on this site. Have you read SAA?

First of all, bless your heart!!! I'm sorry you are in your situation, but glad you have found your way to MB, and are posting. You should get more support here in GQII. This is a busy forum, so bear with us. You will get more support as we get to know you a little bit, and as you begin "making yourself known" by asking questions, and by posting to encourage and relate to others.<p>It sounds like you have done a lot of studying, and are on track. Yay for you!!! I'm sure you know by reading on these forums a bit, that you are not alone. <p>How long do you think you've been doing a good solid Plan A? What kinds of things are you doing? Of course you know by reading, that Plan A consists of eliminating Love Busters, meeting as many Emotional Needs as your W will allow you, focusing on self-improvement, and negotiating with your W to end all contact with OM (not nagging, obviously) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Have you talked with your boss about it? Is he still your boss? I honestly don't see how you could still be working for him. I wonder if you should talk to his boss, HR, or possibly change jobs. I don't see how you can work for him.<p>Well, there's a few questions so we can learn a little more.<p>Of course, you also probably know that you should Plan A for about 6 solid months, and then think about moving to Plan B. Have you thought about calling Steve or Jennifer Harley for a counseling session? They can give you the best plan of action based on your situation. It would be well worth it - even if your W won't call in with you.<p>Keep reading and posting! We're here for ya best we can!

I know there is support out there and I feel it from my family and friends. Thank you also for responding to my post.<p>I am struggling with the plan A thing a little bit and need some help. I am in plan A but with WW sleeping at her parents every night, it is hard to show her that I can meet her needs instead of OM. I try to be supportive to her but this whole thing is taking its toll and sometimes I feel that I have to let her know that I don't approve of what she is doing and that she is accountable to me and our kids for her actions. She can't just come and go when she wants. When we or anyone, talks to her and the subject of A or OM comes up, she just sits there in silence or gets up and leaves.<p>What is hard for me is that she seems so willing to just walk away from our marriage without even considering counseling. She tells me that even if she ends it with OM that she isn't coming back. She threatens me with filing for divorce but yet hasn't done anything about it. She seems to have her cake and eat it too, but what can I do? I told her last night that since she feels we are seperated and she's emotionally and physically left this house, that maybe she should take all her clothes and move in with her parents. I'm afraid to push too hard onto plan B because she is not realistically thinking about how her actions/decisions will affect her and our kids for the rest of their lives. I think she may just walk away before the fog lifts and then when it does, it's too late. I also believe her medication is making her numb to this situation which allows her to continue what she is doing with total disregard to its consequences.<p>Any advice is greatly appreciated.