My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. Last November I caught him and another woman having an affair. He told me it had been going on for 3 months and she had spent the night in our home while I was away on a vacation. He had made up a story that he was doing some house restoration work for a man in order to cover the affair. He left a notebook at home with the other woman's name and address in it and told me he was spending the night at the house where he was doing the restoration. I decided to drive to the address in the book. That's when I caught them. When he was caught he told me that he did it to get back at me for treating him badly. He went on to say that he picked the woman he did because there was no way he could fall in love with her or want to be with her for an extended period of time. He had left the address out so he would get caught. He assured me that he would break all ties and communication with the other woman. I came across this website and started following the principles. I realized the affair was partly due to my not meeting some of his emotional needs. Things were going well for awhile, and then in February I came home from work and caught him driving her out of our driveway. I followed them and he dropped her off at a local restaurant. He returned home with me and we got into an argument. He ended up leaving to go stay with her. He called me two days later to ask if he could come and get his belongings. He had a warrant out for his arrest and out of spite I called the police and informed them of his location. They picked him up and he is now incarcerated for the next 6 weeks. I know this was a bad decision on my part (big time love buster and angry outburst) and he now blames me for everything and is using this against me whenever he can. I went to visit him unannounced last Monday. When I arrived at the visitation area the other woman was there. He & I talked about this and he told me that he wanted to put our marriage back together, that he loved me very much. I asked him please not to have contact with the other woman anymore but he told me he must in order to get his possessions back after he is released, but he would phase her out. I know he has been calling her and he won't talk to me about it. There is a visitation session tonight but he told me not to come, saying he was in quarantine due to illness. I called the facility and confirmed that he is lying about the quarantine. He promised that he would not let her visit but I am almost certain that he lied to me about the quarantine so that the other woman can visit him. I am very tempted to show up at the visitation session, should I? Every time I bring the other woman up he becomes irate and threatens to leave me forever, telling me I have no "cards" and he is calling the shots since I put him in jail. He told me he cares about me but doesn't care about how I feel about the affair. I am at a total loss and don't know what to do. I love him very much and truly want this marriage to work. Please help, I'm very desperate. I can't eat or sleep and my entire life is suffering.

Wow... He is totally blaming you for the affair... I'm not even sure what advice I could give you at this point, except for - take care of yourself right now!<p>This guy is totally jerking you two around and is probably enjoying the attention of the two of you battling over him. Leave this loser in the dust if he doesn't start showing you some respect... and soon girlfriend!!<p>My heart goes out to you, I hope you find the strength to deal with this with your head held high. Don't beat yourself up about having him arrested, we sometimes do crazy things when pushed to our limits. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

What do you think about showing up unannounced at the visiting session tonight? Good idea, bad idea, stupid idea? I know the OW will be there and I don't know how to handle it.

You are his wife, and he says he wants to work it out with you. I would show up and spoil their little party, but that is what I would do. It depends on if you are ready to deal with the fact she will be there. When she was there the last time, what happened?

I don't have any problem with confronting her. She's really weak. Last time he talked to me for about an hour while she waited. Then he asked me to leave and talked to her for about 1/2 hour. I know the timing because I got a call from him at home 1/2 hour after I left. The problem I do have is do you think this will make things worse between my H and I, given that he is blaming me for absolutely everything at this point?

This is probably a bit late, but I'd stay away tonight. The guy has to be furious at you because you put him in jail (even if he was going to go there some time anyway) merely for the sake of venting anger at him. I don't think you can even start rebuilding this marriage until he's had a chance to get over that injury, which means not until he's out of jail. You may want to go because you're mad at both of them, but that's a bad reason to do it. Your showing up only reminds him of who put him there, and makes him angrier at you, especially if you're spoiling whatever compensation he feels he has in the form of his OW. You can't control this situation with the OW. I'd put it on hold until he gets out; then you can set about Plan A.<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Eddystone ]</p>

Does anyone have any advise? I have to make a decision on what to do soon. Please, I'm so confused and hurt.

Thanks EddyStone. I really appreciate your advise. It hurts like heck but it would probably cause more problems than it's worth to show up and cause a scene. He is calling me nightly so that's a start I guess. It's just incredibly hard to let someone else control the situation. But you're right, I can't do anything about the OW.

WAT/Faith, I have read tons of your posts and was wondering if either of you could lend me some advise on what is happening to me. Anything would be soooo much appreciated.

Hi,<p>My H put himself in jail (called police on me) but they picked him up since they saw him push me (spend a 2 1/2 days - Domestic charges were dropped). Still he blamed me. Hm........lots of babble on that one but I do understand what you are saying. <p>IMHO, I think you need to stay away, he needs to stew in his own mess. Yes you can count on the OW trying to be there for him and meet his every need but in reality, she just can't. However, the more you try to show him that the more he may run to her. That is what my H did. I finally had to stop and let him go wear himself out and babble till he dropped. Imagine the night when he called me and I could here the OW in the background telling me to let him come home. You know what I told him? "you really should stay there, isn't that what you always wanted?" He just cried and begged to come home. <p>Now that was turned into false recovery, he really had not learned his lesson and in a few weeks he and OW were at it again. It took a while for me to find out but when I did, he went out on his but again. Again he asked to come back. EAch time the stakes got higher. OW became more and more desparate. She went from calling the shots to now saying that she will take him at any cost. Even willing to pay his way out of the M, will even pay for a place to live since he now does not want to live with her. Hm.........?!?!?!? crazy or what? <p>Well I can't tell you what do to but I can tell you that is what happened to me. Keep the respect for yourself. If he is blaming you, then back off. You don't need to be the but of that type of blame. <p>Take Care,
L.

Hi Peanut,<p>On the bright side, you know what he's up to for a while and the situation is under control. You have a window of opportunity. I'd say you should ignore and avoid OW completely - what would you gain by confronting her? Schedule your visits to your H and get him talking. Don't react, just listen and acknowledge his feelings. IMO you cannot convince a WS of anything but if they have to listen to themselves trying to justify their actions reality might set in sooner. <p>Contrast this with what OW will be saying - she'll probably be chasing him and trying to convince him to go to her. That could be the beginning of the end for their relationship and you will already have started rebuilding yours.<p>Good luck.

I just wanted to thank everyone for helping me. This forum and all of you are absolutely incredible. What a relief to know that there is a support group like this. Just a brief update. H called last night to say he was out of quarantine and he really wanted me to come visit him. Since I know he was never in quarantine I can only assume that something happened with the OW. Anyway, I went and we had the best conversation we've had in a long time. I only pray to God that it continues like this. H did mention that he had to phase OW out since he wanted to retrieve his belongings after his release. While this hurts terribly, I just told him to do what he needed to do and left it at that. I was very supportive. He told me he loved me 100 times and that I had nothing to worry about with the OW. I sensed a lot of guilt coming through. Anyway, thanks again to all of you for your great advise and support. You are truly wonderful people.
-PNut