Well since d-day #3 I have pretty much stopped wearing my wedding ring, or any kind of ring at all.<p>I have thought of many ways to get rid of it. I just don't see what use it has anymore. I fantasize with throwing it in a lake, the sea, wherever so it can never come back to me.<p>But... still... my H wears his all the time. He never takes it off. He says he doesn't because I gave my love to him and I never let him down. But that he understands I don't want to ever wear mine again. The damn thing even gives me instant headaches the moment I try to put it on.<p>I somehow crave having my ring back on, but it is no good for me, makes me feel kind of stupid when I wear it. I know, sounds weird, but I feel really stupid. If we go out and I wear it I feel weird, like I am setting up a charade for everybody. For my WH and for the people around us. If I don't wear it I feel the empty space it leaves on my finger and I feel insecure.<p>It is kind of weird. It does trouble me sometimes to the point of tears. I wish I could wear my wedding band with pride and demostrate that yes, my M is good, and that I am happy. But I am not sure what to do.<p>Did any of you BS ever have a problem like this?
How can I start wearing my ring again?<p>I think I need to in order to continue moving on.

Not wierd at all.<p>A possible solution: Have a rededication ceremony with new rings for both of you. Have it in church, with new, relevant vows. If you want to keep the stones from the old ring, do so. Simply replacing the band can perhaps make it feel like a new ring. I am considering asking my wife to do the same. She wore her's during the A and such has "tarnished" in my opinion.

I will tell you my ring story if you promise not to let it reflect on the person I am now. <p>I wore my ring from d-day until our anniversary which was about 3 1/2 months after d-day. I was in Plan B on our anniversary but still deeply depressed and expected him to call me even though in the Plan B letter it stated no contact with me unless OW was out of the picture and he wanted to discuss reconciliation. But we all know how depressed people feel right? I did not want to talk to him but I was very upset that he did not call. I was on vacation in another state that day and when I didn't hear from him I threw my ring in one of my bags and actually forgot where it was for several months. When I got home from that trip I did not clean everything out of that bag, I just threw it in the closet. One night a few months later I was looking for something in the closet and I saw the bag. I looked inside and there was my ring. <p>I have not had the ring back on even though I would love to wear it again. However, until WH decides to recommit to the marriage, it will stay in the box I put it in that day I found it again.

Longing,
That is a good idea and in an ideal world I'd like to do that. He bought me a temporary crystal ring. And I wore it, but it is fragile, I am an artist and also work with computers. I open them tear them apart, and then a bit of programming, so I'd most likely chip it or break it. I sculpt and do pottery so off that one :-p I need a titanium ring I tell ya!
I want to wear my old ring, if my H is I want to too. He is so very wonderful lately and I know it hurts him that i don't but he won't tell. *sigh*<p>Sinking,<p>Yup mine is a box too, my H bought a softcover copy of the book that brought us together, (long story), drilled a hole on it the size of the cyrstal ring he got me, and delivered it all on a tibetan paper box. I put the old ring in there, glew the pages together and it's been there ever since.<p>I just want sometimes to get over there and put the ring back on and for it to feel right. AAAGH!

I am afraid at this point that my WH would see me wearing the ring as pressure regarding his decision. He is at a place that having two women in his life is becoming uncomfortable and he knows he needs to decide. <p>When I took the ring off I was at a place that I had no hope left for the marriage. I was not coming here as I should have been and I was letting things that others were saying get in the way of trying to save the marriage. I really thought it was over. I took it off out of pain and once it was off and WH noticed that I was no longer wearing it I did not feel right putting it back on. <p>I have been thinking about your situation and tried to come up with some ideas. The only thing I can think of is for you to take it to a store in the mall and have it cleaned along with his ring. Then have him put yours on you and you put his on him and see how that feels. Maybe cleaning them both in the machines they use will be like a cleasing ritual. Just one of my hairbrain ideas.

lost wife, I am suggesting you get BRAND NEW RINGS. Sell your old ones if necessary. Take them back if possible (I know with our rings, we can exchange them at any time and upgrade for a more expensive variety). You can get a decent white gold or even platinum band for under a grand. Keep the stone, get rid of the band - it may feel like an entire new ring.

I can understand not wearing your ring. I have not worn my ring since about 11 months after d-day. After 10 months of continued contact and an extremely reluctant WS who was not ready to take responsibility for his conduct, I took my wedding ring off. Not only had H broken his vows, his Fogged actions all but flaunted his having an A and being the recipient of plan A for nearly a year. I could simply not wear the ring; it made me cry just to look at it; it felt so heavy on my finger; and it reminded me of the losses to our M and to me.<p>In the months after that, H and I separated, then reconciled, and we are still living together trying to recover our M (at least for the time being). I have still not put my ring back on, and I don't plan to, not ever. Maybe if we actually do recover our M, I would consider a new wedding band.<p>For H's part, he has never taken his wedding ring off. Sometimes he will even say to me "I have never, not even for part of a day, taken my ring off since our wedding day." Frankly, I would have rather he took is ring off and kept his pants on. But, hey, that's just me.<p>Hugs to all,<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

OneDay,
I wear mine when I feel lonely, not sure why. Sometimes when I go to bed as well. Security blanket???<p>I just had to tell you you made me laugh for the first time in awhile with your last post! Certainly not at you or what you've gone through, just the way you said it. I wish my W had kept her you know what on too [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
I couldn't have said it better.
God Bless

Ok, I'll vent and say it. Her PANTS! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

since Dday, I rarely wear my ring. It kind of makes me sick to wear it bcos I don't feel good about my M. WH has never worn his ring (or any ring for that matter) He lost his about 10 years ago & it wasn't replaced. <p>My Mom & some family were visiting recently (they don't know specifics) so I wore ring. It felt really strange. I couldn't wait to get it off. I'm not sure what I'll do in the future, depends on where our M ends up (or not)

We renewed our wedding vows (15 years) as her EA was beginning.<p>After D-day (3 years ago), I gave the ring back and never want to see it again. She wears her ring still - what the ring represented to me is broken and forever lost.<p>New rings and new vows would ring hollow with D-day of the affair 3 months after renewing our vows. She has shown new rings she would like for us to have and renew our vows, but I freeze up mentally and emotionally. <p>I will not wear and do not want my ring back or a new one.

Last year, around this time, I was still wearing my wedding band. I was just learning about plan A, and I couldn't bear the thought of taking it off.<p>Suddenly, on the first day of spring (March 20th), I decided to take it off. Since spring signifies a new beginning, and that's where I was at, it was perfect!<p>But alas, I was in plan A! What did I do? Whenever my H was around (to visit the kids or talk to me, whatever..), I would wear my band on a necklace. And I would make sure he could see it! The symbolism for me was that it was something I wasn't prepared to let go of, and being on a necklace, it was still close to my heart.<p>I do agree with the suggestions on getting a new ring (but I also understand that sometimes cost is a factor - it sure is in my house! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] My H and I need to get new rings as well... but the cost factor is too much for our budget right now, so it will have to wait). So perhaps wearing them on a necklace would work for you?<p>Karen

Thanks everybody for your responses.<p>Sinking, your idea of the cleaning machines made me smile, maybe I ought to try that.<p>Longing. I'd love a new band, but money is the issue and the store where we bought them has since gone out of business.<p>OneDay, I feel the same way sometimes, but as hurting and lonely, maybe I crave to wear it as a security blanket. Before Id HATE to forget it when i ran out of the house to the point I'd make my H turn back around just to get it. I guess it is sad for me to now be so scared of it. And yes I'd have much rather he had kept the ring off and be a real man and tell me the truth but oh well lol.<p>WillGetThroughThis, I feel the same way when I wear mine. It is a kind of contradictory feeling. I WANT to wear it, but when I wear it it just won't feel right.<p>losingmymind, That is a part of my issue too. We renewed vows with those rings after not 1 but 2 d-days. He kept on with his lies, and he would swear solemnly each time that he was telling the truth and so since he had come clean we could renew vows for a clean start [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] so much for that one!<p>Topie, I think I like that idea. Will try, see how it works for me. Necklaces always end up braking on my neck though, I guess I have the bad luck on that one lol.<p>((((hugglez to everybody))))<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: Alostwife ]</p>

I'm glad this topic came up. I wore my rings after the first D day. This was the time that H actually put his back on. What is it about the ring getting caught while taking off the pants? Anyway, I took mine off last week on Dday 2. (continued contact) have not put it back on. But also noticed that H had taken his off. Guess he is making me feel guilty? I told him that my ring symbolizes commitment and loyalty and that is not what I got. I really don't know if or when I can put it back on. We are in limbo right now so it may be never or it may be next week.

hurtandlonely,<p>I am glad I made you laugh. I had a good laugh, too, after I had written that sentence.<p>The funny thing is, so many times when H has talked about always wearing his ring (which is, strangely, a lot) I have wanted to scream I WOULD HAVE RATHER THAT YOU TOOK THE RING OFF AND KEPT YOUR PANTS ON! Of course, I have never said it or even made faces at H while he says these things, but, boy, have I ever wanted to.<p>
AlostWife,<p>Thanks for starting this thread. I have been wanting to say that sentence for so long. Now that I have written it here for all to share in, I think I can resist the urge to scream it at H.<p>I will also share this with everyone. Just a few days ago, I brought up his ring in the context of home improvements. H said he always wears it, except when painting or using corrosive substances. H then went on to say that not only does wears his ring all the time, he makes a point of referring to me and the children a lot when he first meets people and that he uses many anecdotes with me in them in his workplace. Well, FOW and H first met at his workplace; she saw the ring, knew about me and the kids, and heard all the cute anecdotes about me (in addition to knowing me personally); and that did not stop the A from happening. So, I had the strong urge to say "all of that is fine, dear, but it would have been more effective to keep your pants on!". Once again, I bit my tongue.<p>Hugs to you all,<p>OneDay

Well, after the first d-day, during an extremely heated argument, I tried to give my husband my wedding band and he *begged* me not to do that. On the second d-day I took my wedding band off and handed it to him. It sits on his night table next to our bed. I am not sure I could ever wear that ring again. Why should I? In my mind they don't represent what they once did. It is tarnished for life. He took what we had ONLY between the two of us (we were both virgins when we married) and threw it away like yesterdays garbage. We are in recovery but it is slow and long. Maybe someday we will be in a better place and get new rings for each other.<p>~OneDay...<p>Unlike your husband, my husband took his wedding band off when he took his pants off. I, of course, would have preferred he left both on at any given time. Maybe taking the ring off with the pants lessens the guilt?<p>LIKE you, my husband would also proclaim his love, affection, admiration and tell stories to those at work. Everyone there knew ME and my children. She would hear all the little anecdotes about our family and knew me personally. Nothing stopped this affair from happening between the two of them. I asked him once if she removed her wedding rings before climbing into bed with him. He said, "No." But why would a serial cheater bother to remove them? Climbing into bed with another woman's husband was like driving the kids to school on a daily basis for her. After all, she climbed the corporate ladder at work and ended with the boss...my husband. Lucky me.<p>Continues to be ringless,
Scarlet<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: Scarlet Letter ]</p>

((((((One Day))))))))
((((((Scarlet Letter)))))<p>I am sorry your WS's dragged you into this. Some OW really seem to have no brains, and if they do they sure make a nice job on ignoring whatever they say.

If I was only able to renew vows that were intact (rather than in my heart making new ones); were we to be in-love rather than loving eachother; if we could feel the love and joy in our hearts the day we were married - I would wear a new ring made of tin-foil. <p>From before, a ring has INCREDIBLE emotional symbolism to me. <p>The new wedding rings my wife shows me are beautiful pieces of jewelry. I die inside EVERYTIME she shows an ad with a new ring to me. Why? Providing attention, love, simple romantic picnics, conversation, were free and what she needed & desired - and had to find outside our marriage. <p>I would die to feel the love between us at the altar as we held each others hands exchanging rings and when I kissed the bride. <p>While very symbolic and romantic to me, the ring I do not and will not wear boils down to self-hatred, -criticism, and -judgement over losing what I cherished more than life, her being in love with me. She (WS) has guilt over her actions; I (BS) have guilt over my inaction - and I'm reminded every day by my empty left ring-finger. A skeleton back out...